Misadventures of a Neopian Times Reporter XVI

"Kristy, is that who I think it is standing at your balcony door?" Chloe's voice intruded on my thoughts, asking a question in a tone I knew signaled something ominous.

     I looked up from the article I was writing, which was proving difficult. Finneus was a wonderful Lenny, but he was so long winded. Deciphering the conversations we'd had about current Altadorian politics and economy were difficult in that he'd gone off on so many unrelated tangents that the actual facts of the story were buried among my notes about the life cycles of various petpetpets, proper planting times, and the proper way to arrange the archives.

     Chloe had been sitting in my chair in front of the fireplace, providing silent company while I worked. I looked over at the doors to the balcony and saw a yellow Grundo standing there. I had a moment of deja vu, remembering a day only a few weeks ago when that same Grundo had suddenly appeared at my door and coerced me into going to a Valentines Day dance with Dr. Sloth.

     "By Fyora's magical socks, it is him," I said, flabbergasted. "You'd think he'd know better than to come back here."

     Chloe got up and opened the door. 605 barely had time to open his mouth before the Faerie Kougra hauled him off his feet and shoved her glaring face into his.

     "Give me one good reason why I shouldn't feed you to Turmy, 605," Chloe said in a low tone.

     "You're a confirmed hero, given your occupation of working for the Defenders of Neopia. Despite my status as a minion of an evil overlord, feeding me to Turmy while I'm defenseless is against your code," 605 said coolly.

     Chloe gave a frustrated scream. She turned to glare at me. "You'll feed him to Turmy, won't you? You're also a minion. I don't think feeding someone to Turmy is against your code."

     "We have codes?" I asked, wondering what rulebook I'd forgotten to read when I'd been forced into becoming a minion to the Meepits several years ago.

     "If you don't have one, I'd like to suggest making not feeding other overlords' minions to the Turmaculus as yours," 605 said.

     "Shut up, you conniving Mortog!" Chloe cried. "How dare you show your face here again?"

     "Look, I didn't want to intrude on your mother again either. I know I crossed some lines in our last encounter, but I didn't have much of a choice. I'm here to deliver a message. After I do that, I'll make myself scarce fast, I promise," 605 said.

     Chloe dropped him with a disgusted sigh. 605 got up and dusted himself off before reaching into his pocket and pulling out an envelope. I quickly snatched it from him before Chloe decided to take it and burn it, which it occurred to me might not be a bad thing.

     "Will I regret opening this?" I asked.

     "How should I know? I was just told to deliver it. I don't open Dr. Sloth's private correspondence," 605 said, looking like he was wondering just how stupid I was. "Now, I'll be leaving like promised."

     I frowned as I let him out, glad to see him go without having been roped into anything uncomfortable, but knowing that there could still be something uncomfortable in the letter that was now in my possession. I turned back to Chloe after 605 had flown off with his jetpacks.

     "You should burn it unopened, Kristy," Chloe advised me.

     "Why?" I asked.

     "Because you're unfortunately kindhearted, even to people like Buzz Johnson and Frank Sloth, who seem to go out of their way to make your life miserable. If he wants some new favor from you, you know you'll tell yourself you'll just tell him no, and then tomorrow, you'll be doing whatever it is that he wants. Save yourself the headache, embarrassment, or whatever it is that this will cause you, and just burn it," Chloe said.

     "Oh, come on, I'm not that nice. I only gave in on the Valentines Day thing because Inna got mad at me when 605 broke down," I protested.

     "If you throw that letter in the fire, you can keep telling yourself that. I do happen to know the truth behind the time Sloth showed up here with the morphing potion," Chloe told me.

     I could feel my face getting hot, that was an embarrassing scene I desperately did not want to remember. Chloe gave me a sweet smile that was laced with a poisonous insinuation, but I just returned the smile, mine laced with a bit of defiance. We stood like the for a moment, only to be interrupted by Yanli flying into the room chasing Ella.

     The Faellie leapt up my leg and crawled up onto my shoulder, hiding herself in my hair. I caught my Christmas Zafara by the shoulders to stop her.

     "Yanli, how much perfume have you gotten your hands on this time?" I asked.

     "I was only gonna spray her once, I promise. She'll smell so good, like Star of Paradise Flowers!" Yanli said.

     "Yanli, you promised Ella you would never again spray her with perfume after the incident. Do you remember how many baths we had to give her last time to remove all the scent? She's very nice that she usually lets you play dress up with her, but perfume crosses a line. No perfume," I said firmly.

     "Oh, all right. I just thought she'd like this perfume," Yanli sighed. "I'm sorry, Ella."

     I could feel the Faellie's grip on my neck loosen, so I reached up and removed her. Ella willingly returned to Yanli, and my daughter skipped out telling the long-suffering petpet about all the pretty bows she had for her fur.

     "I sometimes wish I had half the patience and forgiveness that Faellie is capable of," Chloe commented. "Oh, well, I've got to go now. I need some new workout tops, and Princess has begged me to save her from having to leave her room by picking up her tea. Do you need me to pick up anything?"

     "Lots and lots of petpet shampoo. If Yanli can't use that perfume on Ella, she'll probably bathe Orion in it when Molly isn't looking. Also, try and find out who gave Yanli perfume so I can feed them baby mush later," I said.

     "You got it, chief," Chloe said, giving me a little salute as she walked out.

     Now alone, my mind returned to the letter in my hand. For a moment, I almost had the determination to simply chuck it in the fire and save myself whatever headache it contained. Curiosity got the better of me, and I opened it.

     On a sheet of stationery inside was a simple handwritten note from Dr. Sloth asking me to come up to the Virtupets Space Station early tomorrow. Nothing else. It was polite in tone, which was something I wasn't used to in my dealings with the Virtupets Overlord, but it didn't feel suspiciously like a trap. I considered the options. Whatever he wanted could relate to some of the Weekly World's investigations rather than the unfortunate dance of a few weeks ago. He might be willing to throw me some information on one of my stories as repayment for suffering through that.

     That, or maybe he'd just done something big and he was giving me a scoop. Despite our initial rocky relationship due to my blind oversight of press assistants, he actually had allowed me quite a bit of journalistic access into his organization. Nothing sensitive, but decent stories none the less.

     Telling myself these lies, I decided to go.

     ***

     "Where are you going?" Yanli asked me as she followed me down the front path the next morning.

     "Why are you asking?" I asked.

     "Because Chloe told me to spy on you," Yanli informed me.

     "Yanli, when your sisters tell you to spy on Mommy, you're supposed to say no," I told her.

     "Why?" Yanli asked.

     "Because I keep you stocked on bubblegum," I reminded her.

     "Chloe said she'd give me cookies if I spied on you. That's better than bubblegum!" Yanli cried.

     I groaned, my girls were always one step ahead of me.

     "I'm going shopping, Yanli," I said. It wasn't fully a lie, I had planned to stop and get some groceries on my way back.

     "Will you get me some bubblegum?" Yanli asked.

     I just smiled and ruffled her already disheveled hair. "Of course, honey. I'll see you later."

     She waved goodbye to me from the final step as I walked down the street, into the heart of Neopia Central. I got on board a shuttle bound for the Space Station and strapped in, waiting for the shuttle to depart.

     ***

     605 led me through the hallways deep in the Virtupets Space Station. It was weird to be in the depths of the station again. My mind kept flashing back to the few weeks I'd spent undercover there. It was odd to think that only a few years ago I hadn't know these places existed, and now I could have navigated them unaided. 605 and I weren't really on speaking terms, so the walk to Sloth's office was made in silence.

     He let me into Sloth's office right away this time, none of the usual waiting. Sloth was sitting at his desk, working on something on his computer. He looked up at me when I entered.

     "You came promptly, I expected a little more delaying while you argued with yourself on all the reasons why you should and shouldn't come here," Sloth said with a smirk. "You must really like me after all."

     "Your minions are sloppy, I got here with a weapon on me," I replied.

     "Oh, really?" he asked. "What is it, a spork?"

     I unhooked my Foreman Cudgel from its harness on my back under my coat and showed it to him. He reached under his desk and pulled out his blaster.

     "Only an idiot brings a cudgel to a blaster fight," Sloth informed me.

     "Point taken," I said as I put my cudgel back in its harness.

     He put his blaster back and waved me to a seat in front of the desk. It was one of those horrid chairs that managed to be more uncomfortable to sit in than they looked. I sat down, complaining or asking to stand was simply too much trouble, and waited for him to tell me why he had asked me to come.

     "I'll get straight to the point, since you're already aware of the situation," Sloth started.

     "Oh, that sounds good. I should have burned the letter unopened," I thought to myself while nodding politely for him to go on.

     "It's Jhudora's birthday in a few days," he told me.

     "But, Jhudora Day was a couple of weeks ago," I said.

     "Jhudora Day doesn't fall on her birthday," Sloth informed me.

     "Okay," I said slowly. "I'm about to regret having come here, aren't I? What do you need from me? Do you want another article so I can scope out what things she likes so you can send her an appropriate gift?"

     "No, but that would have been a sound idea. There is probably not enough time for that now. Also, she would likely be suspicious as to why you'd want to write another article about her. She hasn't done anything publicly noteworthy since then, and it's been too long since the fall of Faerieland to use that as an excuse," Sloth mused.

     "So, I'm here why?"

     "Because I have no idea what to buy her for her birthday. There are only so many times I can send her transmogrification potions before it becomes tacky. Conventional wisdom seems to be that in a situation like this, you consult another woman about what to buy," Sloth told me. "I've come to you for the same reason 605 did about the dance. You're a sap and you wouldn't let me down on this."

     I couldn't help the spasming my frustration caused. Yet again, one of my girls had been right. I knew there was no way I was going to be able to say no. I like Jhudora, I don't dislike Sloth, but I really wanted as little to do with them, particularly in this manner, as possible. Still, I couldn't turn down Sloth's plea for help like this. He was right about that.

     Sloth clearly understood my spasming to be my acceptance of the situation, because I heard him open a desk drawer and pull something out. I was too busy facepalming to see what he was doing, so when he asked me if I was ready to go, I got a surprise that caused my brain to have yet another spasm. He was wearing a Smiling Spinacles Mask.

     "That's worse than the bowtie you wore on Valentines Day. I swear, you live to cause me suffering. I must have done something truly horrible as a child and I'm being punished for it," I whimpered.

     "You were the one who jinxed Faerieland, weren't you?" Sloth said, his voice muffled from the mask.

     I thought back to the time I told Taelia I'd interview her if Faerieland fell from the sky, and then interviewed her. Sure, it had been years after that incident that it actually fell, but I always wondered. I got up reluctantly and went to the door, letting him go out first.

     "Where were you thinking?" I asked.

     "Neopia Central, of course. It's the shopping capitol of the world," Sloth pointed out.

     "Right, and my home half the year. Chloe better be at work," I muttered under my breath.

     ***

     I was glad to get off the shuttle when it landed in Neopia Central. Apparently Sloth wanted to do this as low-key as possible, which meant not taking his personal ship. He was dressed fairly normally, black pants, grey coat, grey hat, and black gloves, but the smiley face mask totally ruined the otherwise low-key outfit. People kept giving us weird looks. I looked straight forward the whole time, hoping that none of them knew anyone I knew.

     We got off and Sloth turned to me expectantly.

     "Have anything particular in mind, Frank?" I asked.

     "Of course not, that's why I asked you to come along. What do girls like?" he said.

     "Have you ever known any girls?" I asked.

     "I've had female minions and soldiers, I paid them as much attention as I did the male ones. Which was avoiding having any contact with them whenever possible except to bark threats and orders at them," he told me. "Honestly, if I can't send them the newest model blaster, body armor, or transmogrification potion, I don't know what to buy for anyone, regardless of gender. Thankfully, most of the the upper echelon of my organization are only interested in such things, so I've never had this difficultly before."

     "Great, just great," I said. "Okay, how about we look at jewelry? Her favorite colors seem to be purple and green, so lets go with that. And, just so we're clear, this is a one time thing. I'm not about to become your personal gift picker."

     "Fair enough," Sloth replied. "Lead on."

     I decided we should start at Uni's Clothing. We got weird looks all the way there, but it occurred to me that the faster we got through this, the less mental trauma I'd have to endure. I was sure we would find something at Uni's, which was worth being subjected to more weird looks than scrounging shops in the more obscure areas of the Marketplace would have gotten us.

     We got there and started browsing the selection. The Uni who ran the store glanced over at us a few times, like she was considering asking if we needed any help, but seemed too reluctant to deal with Smiley Face to do it.

     "How about a black jeweled collar?" Sloth asked, holding it up.

     "Yeah, no. I don't think that's her style," I said with a shake of my head.

     "Brightvale Glazier Wings? They are green," he tried.

     "She's got functioning wings. Those are for pets who don't," I explained.

     I saw him eying a gaudy sombrero and told him not even to think about it.

     "Kristy, is that you?"

     I turned to face the familiar voice, embarrassed to the ultimate degree. My friend Cassie was standing there with her Robot Ogrin. I tried to act natural, like this wasn't weird at all.

     "Hi, Cassie. Fancy meeting you here. Whatcha shopping for?" I asked, hoping I sounded calm and easy.

     "Um, just stuff," she said vaguely, looking over my shoulder at Sloth. "What's with your friend and his, uh," she made a movement with her hand in front of her face.

     "Oh, that! You know how people have bad hair days and they wear hats to hide it? Well, he has bad face days, so he wears a mask on those days. I'm helping him shop for a present for a mutual friend's birthday," I said, trying to laugh it off.

     "Oh, uh, okay. That makes sense, I guess," Cassie said.

     "No it doesn't," her Ogrin said. "Kristy just keeps weird friends."

     "Yes, Protector, I do. Get used to it," I snapped.

     "I'm Kristy's friend," Cassie pointed out and Protector busied himself looking at a rack of wigs.

     "I'll catch up with you later," I told Cassie and she nodded.

     I walked back over to Sloth and he said in a hushed tone, "Bad face days?"

     "I did my best on short notice. You could have gotten a better mask, or have decided to do this back on a day when wearing masks wouldn't have been weird," I retorted.

     "Too embarrassed to tell your friends that you're shopping with the illustrious Dr. Sloth?" he ribbed.

     "You're the one in the dumb mask. Do you want everyone knowing you went around Neopia Central like that?" I asked.

     "You've got a reputation for being weird. I doubt that girl would have taken you seriously had you told her the truth. You overestimate your credibility. The only reason why anyone takes your articles seriously is because they don't know you," Sloth said.

     "I'm doing you a favor!" I cried, flabbergasted at his audacity under the circumstances.

     "And I'm being honest. The two don't have to be mutually exclusive," Sloth said with a shrug.

     "Let's just get this over with," I groaned. "Before someone more likely to have contact with my children shows up."

     ***

     We finally picked out a pair of amethyst earrings that were lovely but understated. I was fairly sure Jhudora wouldn't hate them, which ensured I wouldn't have to deal with Dr. Sloth again for hopefully the rest of the year. We parted ways outside of the clothing shop, and I felt like a great shadow had lifted, a great smiley faced shadow.

     I went shopping for the groceries, I had to cement my alibi, even though I had spent most of the day out shopping, because, despite her short memory, Yanli would be sure to remember if I came home without her bubblegum.

     Once home, I put the groceries away, gave my Zafara her coveted treat, and then settled myself on the sofa in the family room to read and forget the day. I knew when Chloe got home, because I heard Yanli shout from the foyer that she had spied on me, I had gone shopping, and asked for her cookies in return for a job well done.

     Chloe walked into the family room and leaned over the back of the sofa.

     "So, Yanli tells me you went shopping today," Chloe said, her tone clearly insinuating that she wasn't buying it.

     "Yes, I went shopping. That is the honest truth," I said firmly through gritted teeth.

     Chloe just chuckled and patted me on the head. "There, there, Kristy. Next time, don't open the letter."

     "Good advice; I should take it. Don't expect me to listen next time either."

The End