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Gift Ideas For Your AntiValentine

by drobit


Also by bha288

Valentine's Day is traditionally a day for showing your loved ones how much you care, showering them with thoughtful gifts and attention. But what if you need a way to show someone how unappreciative you are of them? We've managed to find some rather peculiar items to show your special someone how unappreciative you are of them this Valentine's Day.

Single Grey Flower

If you would like to add a little more bite to this gift, you could include a note in which you state how that you simply could not resist sending this sad little flower because it reminded you of the recipient so much. You know, because the person in question is so sad and pathetic. Do not send more than one flower; part of the appeal of this gift idea is that it is solitary! It's quite poetic, really.

Stack of Tax Return Forms

On any day, this would be an awful present to give to anyone, even an accountant. But that's the point, isn't it? This gift would be a rather passive aggressive way to send the message that you should get started on your tax returns! Especially if you have nothing better to do on Valentine's Day. No further explanation is needed.

Stinky Haze

If you need a way to consistently remind someone how much they stink, then Sticky Haze is the perfect gift. There's no better way to show someone that they smell than a cloud of pure stink that follows them around wherever they go. This even gives you the perfect excuse to avoid being anywhere near them and their odor.

Being Stinky

If sending a Stinky Haze is not enough, then this book is a great way to send the blunt message that you are stinking up the place. It's a worthwhile read for anyone struggling to understand why nobody will go within a ten foot radius of them. From what we've heard, it's full of lovely tips on dealing with your stinky nature.

Smelly Dung Muffin

Speaking of treats for your olfactory system…who doesn't like a good muffin? It may be a little difficult for someone to accept this delicacy, so you may have to be a little more creative with this one. For example, you could strategically place this muffin into a muffin basket filled with normal muffins, if you would like to be a bit more surreptitious. If you don't care for subtlety, you could simply fill a basket full of these muffins. Regardless of how you choose to present it, we would suggest having the basket delivered to the recipient's workplace, to maximize the humiliation factor.

Molten Pile of Dung

If you feel the need to ruin someone's day, you could simply place this pile of dung on their doorstep. Ring the doorbell and sprint away to a safe distance so you can watch them stomp it out. Just imagine how awful it will be for them to clean it all up!

Dung Heart

Oh look, it's another dung item! You can present this to your AntiValentine, as a symbol of what their heart means to you. For added effect, you might also consider throwing it to the ground and stomping on it emphatically. It'll be hilarious, we promise! At least, as long as you don't particularly care about the shoes you're wearing. And, you know, try to make sure you're outdoors if you choose to go this route. And wearing gloves.

Broken Heart Keyring

This keyring is an old classic for those who don't really want to put much thought into a present. It is pretty direct to the point that you don't want to be someone's Valentine this year. As an added bonus, it won't break the bank!

Displeased Slorg Plushie

Have you ever looked at a displeased slorg before? (They're pretty intimidating.) This plushie is another classic way to express your displeasure with someone. Nothing is worse than having a menacing looking plushie stare directly at you. Additionally, this is another gift that won't have you living out of a cardboard box for the next year, so if you're feeling extra generous, we recommend sending lots of them to show your true feelings of displeasure.

Flaming Evil Coconut

If you have money to burn, you can buy this coconut to leave in the bushes of the object of your disaffection. The flaming eyes are sure to freak anyone out. If you're lucky, your target's bushes will even catch fire! You should probably avoid setting fire to someone's property though; that might be frowned upon.


Our test subjects found that these chocolates won't cause major damage to your UnValentine's well being. But they would come in handy if you want them to get a nasty surprise. These deceptively harmless chocolates are perfect for making them think you care—at least until they learn the terrifying truth. Alternatively, you could throw them at your AntiValentine, and watch them scurry away in fear.

Suspicious Shovel

Something about this shovel gives off an eerie feeling just by looking at it. What is this shovel trying to accomplish by sitting there, looking suspicious? It's rather unsettling. If you want to give someone a feeling of unease this Valentine's Day, then just leave a Suspicious Shovel in front of their Neohome, and the rest should take care of itself.

Fruit Cake Brick

As if getting one of these isn't bad enough around the holidays, just imagine how awful it would be to receive one on Valentine's Day. If the smell doesn't scare them away, then they're in for a surprise when their teeth crumble trying to take a bite of this stale delicacy. If they refuse to take it, than you can always throw it at them as they try to run away (they're pretty heavy!).

Jar of Spiders

Most people are seriously afraid of spiders, so if you'd like to hear your special someone shriek in fear, empty this jar over his or her head. Sixty percent of the time, it works every time!

Scary Spider

However, if you're on a bit of a budget, we would suggest sending them a single spider instead. You could even send them several of these spiders--you'll get a little more bang for your buck. Because the jar that the spiders come in is fairly overpriced.

Can of Prune Juice

First of all, nobody enjoys prune juice. As such, it is basically guaranteed that your UnValentine won't be happy to receive this. Secondly, similar to the Broken Heart Keyring, this gift sends the message that you truly couldn't be bothered with putting any thought into your Valentine's Day present. After all, you could have received this as a booby prize from Tombola, right?

We hope that we have helped you come up with some good ideas for Valentine's Day surprises! Surely this will be a day to remember for both your AntiValentine and yourself. Just remember have fun, be creative, and get ready to run!

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