Where there's a Weewoo, there's a way Circulation: 191,058,652 Issue: 595 | 17th day of Hunting, Y15
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Interview with Neopia; Sloth Edition

by peronalodis


Some people think Neopia is a boring place; that it just sits there, spinning around and around, with nothing of interest to say. I am here to prove this wrong, and ask Neopia itself a few questions.

     A revolutionary leap in Neopian technology has allowed me to communicate with the planet itself, plugging directly into the center of it from the bottom of The Bubbling Pit. I got this wonderful piece of equipment from, uh, TNT themselves. Nice people. (That sounded convincing right? Sloth: Yes, move on.)

     So now we move on to the interview.

Neopia: This is awesome, I get to talk to people!

Me: Yes. Yes you do. Now, I would personally like to ask you something.

Neopia: Ask away!

Me: What are those other places on you called? I mean, not everything has been discovered yet, I mean there are those little islands all over the place, and plenty of unexplored land...

Neopia: Well, Neopets have named everything...

Me: Then name those other places yourself.

Neopia: No, I mean everything. There's nothing else.

Me: ...nothing?

Neopia: Nothing.

Me: ...Okay... Well, then, let's go on to questions from my own pets, and really begin!

* *

Sharllette the Starry Xweetok walks in.

* *

Sharllette: Wow! I get to talk to Neopia itself!

...Hey, Mom? Why is Slo--

Me: OKAY on to your question. *smiles nervously*

Sharllette: Oh, okay. Well, for people who've never been to many places in Neopia, I was wondering where you might suggest to go if one would like to have an ice cream cone on the beach, in the heat of the sun, and go swimming. (After waiting an hour of course.)

Neopia: Oh, well those activities are actually separated on me. If you want a frozen treat then you'd have to go to the freezing tundra of Terror Mountain. The only beach I can think of is on the edge of Kiko Lake, and the best swimming spot is in the underwater land of Maraqua. And the heat of the sun? That's reserved for the Lost Dessert.

(Sharllette: Um, Mom, you spelled that wrong. Me: Oh, crud. *scribbles over an S*)

Me: Well... that's nice to know. Thank you, Neopia.

Now, I have another question for you. An important one: What is the Obelisk that everyone's been fighting over? Where did it come from? You ought to know.

Neopia: ...

Me: Neopia?

Neopia: ...*cough*

Me: Are you going to tell us?

Neopia: Well, um...

Sharllette: Spit it out already!

Neopia: I'm not allowed to tell.

Me: Why?

Neopia: Because...she won't let me. *ground tremors*

Me: Who?

Neopia: ...Nevermind. ANY OTHER QUESTIONS?

* *

Jurgis the Electric Eyrie walks in.

* *

Jurgis: Can't you say I'm Maractite?

Me: Why?

Jurgis: Because I'm going to be, and I don't want people to look at me later and wonder why you got my color wrong.

Me: But you're not...*sigh* fine. *scribbles over 'Electric' and writes over it*

Now, Jurgis, you want to ask Neopia a question?

Neopia: I'm waiting.

Jurgis: Are you a boy or a girl? 'Cause your voice sounds really deep, but there's that thing about Mother Earth and all...

Neopia: What's earth?


Neopia: ...

Me: *cough* Continue.

Neopia: Oh, well... I don't... really... know...

* *

Awkward moment persists.

* *

Me: Uh, well, I guess it's time for my other pets' questions...

Sharllette: *tugs shirt* Mom, Ragstar and Xiandras aren't coming.

Me: What!? How come??

Jurgis: Ragstar is too shy, and Xiandras is Xiandras.

Me: But I didn't plan any more questions! How am I going to get to a thousand words for my article?

Mysterious Figure in the Shadows: Improvise.

Jurgis & Neopia: Who's that!?

Me: Um, just my, uh, sponsor.

Neopia: You have a sponsor? Why didn't you say?

(Sharllette: Mom--. Me: I know. *scribbles*)

Me: *chuckles nervously* Didn't I say at the beginning? TNT gave me the equipment to talk to you with. *forced smile*

Sharllette: Mom..?

Me: Okay now! Jurgis, why don't you take your little sister home?

Jurgis: Uh... okay.

* *

My two Neopets walk away, Sharllette protesting something about (*scribbled over "Sloth" here*).

* *

Me: Okay, now that we're alone again... Uh, what's your favorite color--no, where would you live if you were a Neopet instead of yourself?

Neopia: Ooh, tough one. I think... Wait, what Neopet am I?

Me: What does it matter?

Neopia: Different Neopets like different things!

Me: *sigh* Fine. You're a... Wocky.

Neopia: What color?

Mysterious Figure: Mutant. *chuckles evilly*

Me: Um, there is no Mutant Wocky.

Figure: You sure?

Me: Yeah, sorry.

Figure: Faerie wings.

Neopia: Did he mean that as a curse?

Me: I think so.

Neopia: ...

Me: Anyway, on with the interview.







Maybe I could just grab some random person to talk to you.

Neopia: Good idea. And I would live on Mystery Island.

Me: Okay.

* *

So I leave The Bubbling Pit -- with some difficulty -- and, with my air helmet (Sorry, I forgot to mention I had one) I swim to Maraqua and searched out a random Neopet. Then I return.

* *

Me: Found someone!

Maraquan Aisha in Bag: LET ME OUT OF HERE!

Me: Uh, hehe. *lets her out*

Neopia: What's her name then?

Aisha: Milly, and you have NO RIGHT TO--

Me: I'm having an interview with Neopia, and I need people to ask questions.


Me: It's going in an article. Everything you say, I'm writing it down.

Milly: ...you, wrote...

Me: Yes.

Milly: Get rid of it!

Me: Sorry, can't. I've already scribbled over too much.

Now, why don't you ask Neopia a question before embarrassing yourself further? I'll pay you.

Milly (now more interested): Oh, really? Okay then... Neopia... what's your name?

Neopia: My name? Well, I've never thought about it. Can I have a name other than Neopi--?

Milly: EEK! It's actually alive! O_O

Me: Duh it's alive. I told you, we're having an interview with it.

Milly: O_O

Me: Uh, Milly? You okay?

Milly: O-o

Me: Okay... I guess you can go now then. Neopia is Neopia's name, so...

Milly: Oh-Okay.

* *

Milly leaves, and I count the words on my paper. "Yes, a thousand words!" Then the Mysterious Figure steps closer to the edge of the Pit where the cord goes down.

* *

Figure: Neopia, I have a question for you as well.

Neopia: Okay, shoot.

Figure: Would you not protest if I poured this liquid into your heart? *Holds a bottle over the Pit*

Neopia: ...What?

* *

The figure steps forward to reveal himself to be the notorious Dr. Frank Sloth! He laughs evilly and dumps the liquid into the Pit, causing the bubbles to turn even greener than before.

* *

Me: Uh boy.

Sloth: Soon, EVERYONE IN NEOPIA WILL BE MUTANTS!! *Evil Laugh* *cough*

Neopia: You fiend!

Sloth: ...in about three years.

Me: Really? So that gives me time to get me and my pets off the planet?

Sloth: No. But here's your house keys. *tosses keys*

Me: Yes! I can get into my house now!

Neopia: ...You doomed all of me for your house keys?

Me: Do you know how horrible it is to sleep outside where I live? Petpetpets are everywhere!

Neopia: Then move.

Me: I CAN'T!

Neopia: WHY NOT!?


Sloth: I'll... be going now. *slips away*

* *

     So that's how I doomed Neopia.

     Oh, wait... I was supposed to be doing an interview for an article... Well, I guess the news about the world ending in three years works too. :D

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