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An Interview with King Skarl

by impellent


Welcome, everyone! Today I'm back to give you another interview and this time with no less than King Skarl himself, the ruler of Meridell! Like the subject of my last interview, Bart, the guy who runs the apple bobbing booth in Neovia, King Skarl has received a lot of bad press over the years, namely, for being a "grumpy old king" and would like to set the record straight. The following is a transcript of what took place during the interview:

"I always start my interviews by asking for my subject to go on record about their name. Could you tell those who might read this later what your name is?" I ask, hoping to get the infamously angry king to open up to me.

"Don't you know?! My name is King Skarl! First name, King! Last name, Skarl!" roars the King.

"Wait, you must be joking! Did your parents really name you King?" I ask, thinking that the King was trying to pull a fast one on me.

"Of course! King was the most king-like name my parents could think of!" replies the King, seemingly unaware of the humor behind his name. I laughed, trying to imagine what the King's parents must have really been thinking when they named him, King Skarl.

"So it sounds like humor must run in the family then?" I ask.

"What do you mean? What's so funny about my name?" replies King Skarl. At this point, it was already starting to become obvious why so many Neopians have trouble making him laugh. King Skarl doesn't understand humor!

"Never mind that, let's move on. Some Neopians claim that you never laugh at their jokes, even when they try really hard to think up funny ones. What do you have to say about that?" I ask, hoping to get to the truth.

"What is there to say about that? People are not as funny as they think they are! What people have to remember here is that it's not what makes them laugh, it's what makes me laugh!" shouts King Skarl with a bit of a temper.

"But King! That's a very grumpy thing to say! Can you at least tell us about your obsession with fierce Peophins eating too much... " I say.

Before I can finish my thought though, King Skarl interrupts by shouting, "Peophins?! Where?"

"Wait? What?" I ask, "There aren't any Peophins anywhere. What I was going to ask before you interrupted me is why you're obsessed with what you would do if fierce peophins has eaten too much tin of olives? That's not even grammatically correct."

Recovering a bit, King Skarl responds, "Peophins scare me more than Jhudora, Esophagor, and the Brain Tree combined! Why shouldn't I be obsessed? I love olives and Peophins terrify me. What if they has eaten too much tin of olives? I need to know what to do!"

"I think you mean, 'eat too many tins of olives'," I reply, attempting to correct King Skarl.

King Skarl replies, "No, I'm pretty sure I'm right. I'm scared too now, thinking about all those poor olives."

Accepting that King Skarl clearly doesn't get some things, I forget about trying to correct his grammar and instead respond, "See! I knew that there was more to you than what most Neopians think. Is there any advice you could give to Neopians looking to get a trophy or avatar from talking with you?"

"Sure! Bring me food!" replies King Skarl, loudly.

"Wow! Is it really that simple?" I ask, hoping to confirm what seems like an easy way for Neopians to get a trophy or avatar.

"No! Of course not!" replies King Skarl. I start to laugh, thinking that King Skarl is being sarcastic; however, my laughing only seems to enrage King Skarl like before when he didn't understand the joke about his name.

"What's so funny?" King Skarl demands.

"You were joking right? About that not working?" I ask.

"Of course not! A king could never take bribes, especially from the commoners!" replies King Skarl in a very dignified tone, "that would be an insult to the crown!"

"But you just, you just... " I reply.

Before I can finish, King Skarl interrupts yet again, saying, "Just nothing boy. You can't bribe the king! It doesn't work that way!" Taking the hint, I back off the subject, again confused at King Skarl's sense of humor.

"Do you think I could ask you a couple of questions from some of my fans?" I ask, hoping to cheer up King Skarl.

"Sure!" replies the King, enthusiastically.

"My first question comes from a fan who wants to know: do you have a high score on Extreme Potato Counter?" I ask.

"Of course! The King has high scores on all the games he plays! On Extreme Potato Counter, I counted eight potatoes," replies the King in a dignified manner.

"Really?" I respond, trying to pick my words carefully, "why such a... not large score?"

"Uhh... " replies King Skarl, clearly hesitating, "I may have gotten hungry and started to eat them. Give me your next question!"

"Alright," I reply.

Hoping to distract King Skarl from his embarrassment, I ask, "My next question comes from a fan who wants to know: have you ever been able to guess the weight of the marrow in Meridell?"

"Can I ask the audience?" replies King Skarl, nervously.

"King, that's not the way this works. And, there's no audience either! Can you not just answer the question," I ask King Skarl, getting a little impatient.

"Well," replies King Skarl, adjusting his crown, "I may have mistakenly feasted on one or two marrow back in the day, and they were just awful! So no, I've never guessed the weight of one and why should I? They taste worse than the very stinky cheese from the Cheeseroller stand!" replies King Skarl.

Sensing that King Skarl might only dig himself into a deeper hole if I continued to grill him, I decide to cut the interview short and respond with, "Well, that's about all the time I have for our interview today! I think we've made some significant breakthroughs in helping Neopians get to know you better. In fact, after learning about your crippling fear of Peophins, how could Neopians not learn to have a soft spot in their heart for you, even if you don't have one in yours for their jokes?"

After that, King Skarl agrees with me, gets up and starts to walk away. As he walks down the hall, I hear him say something about how he couldn't believe he missed his second lunch of the day for this, although, I'm sure I misheard him! Well, that's about it folks! Hopefully you'll all go a little easier on King Skarl and who knows, maybe he'll start to lighten up a bit! That's all for now!

Send me a neomail if you have suggestions on who to interview next, or what questions to ask! :)

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