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Greg's Intervention

by 2dancers2robots


“Colfer... this is an intervention,” the teenage owner said, standing with her arms crossed underneath a banner that read INTERVENTION in large, red block letters. Lex the yellow Acara stood next to her with her paws on her hips and Wesson the green Kougra stood on her other side, clutching an Altachuck close to his chest. Lex and Shannon both held letters in their hands (or paws, depending on who you were looking at) and Weslie the Altachuck was gripping Wesson’s note tightly. All three of them wore concerned expressions and exchanged worried glances.

     The red Gelert in question was standing in the entrance to the room, holding a little plastic bag in front of him and looking quite confused. “What’s this about? Did I spill juice on the carpet again? Are you tired of my Twisted Roses CD? Did I track too much snow through the house after visiting Happy Valley?”

     “Colfer, it’s the Petpet,” Lex said bluntly, her eyes travelling to the bag in Colfer’s paws.

     “What’s wrong with him?” Colfer snapped. He opened the pouch and poured the contents, a pile of soot, onto the Neohome rug. His owner cringed at the mess it left, and two little eyes popped out of the top of the soot, turning this ordinary pile of soot into a Pile of Soot- a Petpet.

     “Greg is a perfectly adequate pet,” the Gelert continued, scooping Greg into his paws. About a fifth of Greg remained, slowly working itself into the plush carpet with every passing second. Shannon swayed a little bit and Wesson put a paw on her hip to stop her from passing out.

     “Colfer, Greg has got to GO,” groaned the Kougra, keeping one paw on his owner and the other around Weslie, who made a little squeaking noise. Luckily, this wasn’t too difficult for him: the Secret Lab was boosting his stats with each passing day. Sure, it messed with his mind sometimes, but at least it was making him really strong.

     “I have to agree with your siblings, C,” Shannon said kindly, regaining her balance. “Weslie, Pippin and Mason are great petpets... but Greg is just a pile of soot.”

     “That’s a Pile of Soot to you,” snapped Colfer, hugging Greg protectively, then brushing some of him off of his fur and placing him back on the carpet. “It’s not his fault the Petpet Lab Ray wasn’t being too kind that day. You had absolutely no problems with him when he was a Spardel! Or when he zapped into a Disco Feepit!”

     “Yeah, but that’s because he was GROOVY!” cackled Lex. Her expression turned serious very quickly as she added, “and he was... you know... living.”

     “Greg is too living! Come here, boy! Come here!” Colfer encouraged the sooty mess. Greg merely blinked his eyes twice and stayed still.

     “This is just pathetic,” observed Wesson, watching the Gelert encourage the little pile.

     “As part of this Intervention, we all wrote letters to read to you about this little problem,” Lex said. “I’ll start, if you don’t mind.”

     “Dear Colfer,

     You are a stupid Meepit for thinking your Pile of Soot is alive. You should get a pretty petpet like Mason or a new Petpet for zapping like Pippin before our owner has a heart attack from all of the soot being ground into the carpet every single day. You’re also a nerd.

     Love, AcademyJalexis the first.”

     “That last part was both unrelated and unnecessary,” Colfer said, rolling his eyes.

     “But everything I wrote was 100% true!” cheered the Acara. “Especially about little Mason!”

     Lex scooped the Snicklebeast into her arms and rubbed her face into his fur. Mason purred for a while, and suddenly bit Lex’s finger before running away. Pip the Melton just floated idly by Lex’s side, chattering away.

     “Well, they’re still better than that pile of dirt!” she exclaimed.

     “Pile of SOOT!”Colfer yelled.

     “Potato, potahto,” Lex muttered.

     “Me next!” Wesson shouted. “Weslie, if you’d do the honors.”

     The Altachuck, instead of opening the letter like Wesson wanted, took a giant bite out of the letter, shreds of paper falling out of her mouth as she babbled to herself. Wesson giggled, put the black and white creature on the ground, and, after prying the letter from her grasp and replacing it with a cookie (Weslie wasn’t ever happy unless she was eating something), began to read.

     “Dear Colfer (and Greg too)

     As a Lab Ray pet, I have a lot of sympathy for little Greg. I know how it can play tricks on people; I lost three movement points yesterday, and I could very well be turned into a girl, or worse, a Meerca any day. However, if I were to be unfortunately zapped, I would continue to zap until I turn into something worth spending all of these Neopoints for! And if that Lab Ray scientist cannot arrange a worthwhile colouring, I will go into the Battledome with him and unspeakable things will happen! Mark my words, Mr. Lab Ray, I WILL BE AVENGED!

     Oh, and also, Greg is a pointless Petpet. Sure, Weslie eats everything in sight, but at least she’s cuddly.

     Love, Wesson.”

     “That wasn’t even about Greg, mostly. It was about how you’re bitter over your lack of good zaps.” Colfer sighed. “And he is too a cuddly guy!”

     Colfer scooped up the Pile of Soot and began snuggling it against his cheek. Most of the soot dropped onto the carpet, the Petpet’s eyes once again poking out of the top and looking extremely disgusted.

     “I think you dropped your Greg,” observed Lex.

     “I don’t understand how you think Greg isn’t as good of a Petpet as that Melton is,” Colfer said, gesturing to the flaming creature drifting through the room. “He can’t cuddle either! He’d burn you!”

     “Yeah, but can Greg do this?” Lex exclaimed, snapping her fingers at Pippin. The flaming petpet soared through the air, flipped upside down, and hovered there, cackling excitedly.

     “Big deal, so he can fly upside down,” Colfer snapped.

     “My letter next,” Shannon said.

     “Dear Colfer;

     I know this whole situation is mostly my fault, since I was the one who bought the Secret Lab Map and I guess, in hindsight it wasn’t a very good investment (so far). However, your attachment to that Pile of Soot is seriously messing with my head. First of all, he leaves dirt EVERYWHERE. My vacuum, carpet cleaner, and dust-mop haven’t gotten this much use since Wesson went through his phase when he wanted to play in the Altador Cup and played Yooyuball in the dirt for hours every day. Besides, he’s extremely inconvenient to take anywhere. I understand if you want to keep Greg, but why don’t you just unattach him and reattach him so he turns back into your Spardel?

     Love, Shannon.”

     “You guys just don’t understand anything, do you? So what if Greg’s not the normal kind of Petpet, and if he gets dirt all over the house? He’s my petpet and I love him! I don’t care if he zaps into a stalk of Asparagus!”

     “I’d actually love that,” Lex interrupted.

     “The point is, he’s MY decision and I’m going to keep him if I want to!” Colfer shouted. He picked up Greg and ran out of the room. The Acara, Kougra and girl all listened to hear his bedroom door slam shut.

     “Well, that failed,” Shannon observed. She moved towards the INTERVENTION banner and began to detach it from the wall. Pippin flew up to the wall to help.

     “So, should we introduce Plan B?” Wesson asked, supplying Weslie with another cookie.

     “I think Plan B’s pretty harsh, Wesson. And I also think it’s probably illegal,” Shannon replied.

     “Desperate times call for desperate measures,” Wesson pointed out.

     “Excellent,” Lex said, rubbing her paws together evilly, before continuing.

     “I’ll go get the vacuum.”

The End

Author's Note: I don't know if it was his incessant complaining or just good luck, but about a week after the Intervention, Wesson finally got his dream zap of Island. To all you fellow labbers waiting for your dream zap: we're proof that it can happen. Good luck!

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