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A Guide To Neopian Longevity

by lancebismine


As Neopia edges ever closer to entering its illustrious Y13, one thing sticks out in this Neopian’s mind – the future. As a long-time resident of Neopia, I’ve seen it come from its rather demure beginnings and been with it while it evolved and changed over the years. But one must wonder where Neopia will be as a whole when the near year rings in. Where will it be in another five years, ten years, or even another twelve? No one can say for sure what the future will hold for Neopia (though I think we all can easily imagine what we would want it to be like!), but there is one constant that is inevitable: getting older.

It may not be the happiest of subjects for some, but the fact remains that no owner or Neopet can escape the reality of aging. Some do so gracefully and look no different after a decade of life than they did when they were first created. Some try to escape the idea of aging by permanently masquerading as an infant form of their former self. But no matter what we do, unfortunately, nothing can change that we are always aging.

Every hour, every minute, every second, every moment of the day, we are getting older. And sometimes, it is best to simply embrace the inevitable rather than attempt to fight it!

As a seasoned Neopian (which is my own personal preferred term), I have compiled a list of important information every Neopet out there should be aware of. Because as Neopia gets older, so in turn do her inhabitants, and planning for the future is the best bet for living a relaxed and happy existence without any unfortunate surprises!

Step One:

Look the Part

The first thing one might notice upon realizing one isn’t as young as one used to be is one’s appearance. A few extra grey hairs, more whiskers where there hadn’t been any previously, a droopy tail – all of these are sure signs of getting up there in age.

So why not get a jump on things and take the plunge before it’s noticeable?

One of the most fashionable colors in paint brushes actually helps in this vein. Taking on the lovely color of Grey can mask the effects of aging rather nicely by coloring all fur grey before it has the chance to fade that shade on its own. There’s also an added bonus for certain species as well: Elephantes and Kyrii, for example, automatically adopt circles under the eye, while Lupes grow longer whiskers on their muzzles for that extra addition of elderly flair.

But don’t despair over Grey; there are more affordable changes are available! Grey isn’t the only paint brush color to mask the appearance of a dimming pelt. Silver can pass from a distance if one stays out of direct sunlight (for how many ancient Neopets do you know that shine in such a way?) and White can leave a pet looking very distinguished while bleaching away any trace of their former hue, removing the need to be embarrassed when a stray hair turns prematurely white.

Step Two:

Age Old Accessories

One surefire way to look the part of an older Neopian is to accessorize properly. With age, apparently comes wisdom as well, and a wise Neopet would know that merely changing their coat color isn’t all that can be done!

Eyeglasses can add a distinct and knowledgeable charm to the overall look while still appearing old in age. After all, an aged Neopet’s sight wouldn’t be as clear as it once was! Scorchio Scholar Glasses are perfect for this, as their thick dark rims suggest a classic taste in accessories, while Lennies and Pteris can slip on Librarian Glasses for an additional pop of educated venerability.

If wearing glasses on both eyes aren’t ideal, then settling a monocle over just one eye will have the same effect only much more refined. Shoyrus can sport their own Dapper Monocle, while any species of pet can wear the Smarmy version. And pairing a monocle with, perhaps, another prominent accessory can really amp up the aging process...

...A beard. That’s right, facial hair is an increasingly important aspect of not only looking regal, but in looking aged as well. Long and white is preferred, such as the Xweetok Wizard Beard or even the Bori Gnome Beard. Both could work quite well in this situation, but displaying such facial hair while painted Christmas is not recommended. Other options can include the Royal treatment when picking paint brush colors: male Bruces, Nimmo, and Tuskaninny, just to name a few, seem to mysteriously grow facial hair once painted Royal. Even Pirate for Kaus can ensure the hair phenomenon grows on the end of the muzzle, thus assuring a true sign of age is ever present.

Step Three:

Correct Accommodations

Once your desired and elderly look is achieved, the next logical step would be to outfit your Neohome appropriately as well. No discerning and aged Neopet would be caught dead in a home full of Disco themes. Or, Fyora forbid, a home decorated with playpens and toys. If one wishes to appear older, one must also live in surroundings applicable for an older pet, and decorating the home is the next task to tackle.

So imagine that you are sitting by the Red Brick Fireplace with a strong mug of Spiced Pomegranate Tea in hand (or paw), looking over an Ancient Map of Neopia while the Grandfather Clock chimes in the background. Where might you be sitting?

In a rocking chair, of course! Whether it’s the Pink Lace Rocking Chair or the Tyrannian Rocking Chair, the place to rest your weary bones is in a chair that leisurely rocks back and forth. Never ever rock too fast or too much, but rather at a decently slow pace. An older Neopet would know that there is no reason to topple the chair over and hurt oneself, after all.

Stopping by Chesterdrawers’ Antiques in Neovia would be a recommended shopping spot for furnishings as well. Nothing really says “old” as clearly as owning lots of dusty antiques. The Golden Claw Bath Tub (for soaking aching joints) and the Antique Glass Bookcase (for housing the rare and expensive books only an aged Neopet would own) are a must for any pet looking to add distinction as well as the charade of age to their Neohome.

Final touches are key here as well, so don’t be afraid to go overboard. Placing a Neohome Heater in every room, even if it’s not turned on, can help propagate the ruse. As can having a Rolltop Desk, Hat Stand, or a Phonograph. Use your imagination and fill the rooms with as much as you can – then pretend as though everything has simply always been there.

Step Four:

Ancient Cuisines

One of the last, and certainly the most crucial step to upping one’s age, is to merely act old. Once you’ve grown a beard, have a pair of glasses settled on your nose, and are covered in dust like the decorations in your Neohome, the worst thing you can do is run around like a spry and youthful Baby Kougra!

It is incredibly important to keep this thought in your head: When in Tyrannia, do as the Tyrannians do. If you appear to be aged and decrepit, then you must be sure that you act this way as well!

One of the easiest ways to pull this part off is to eat with an elderly palette in mind. Keep as many Musho Mushy Peas as you can stand, stacked high in the pantry. Serve Cucumber Tea Sandwiches at your next soirée. Stock up on Acara Bran Muffins the next time you hobble past the Bakery. Always have a Can of Prune Juice within sight. And never eat Crispy Crunchy Cookies Cereal for breakfast; always opt for Plain Oatmeal instead. The more bland your food, the better you’re off.

Losing one’s teeth is an unfortunate but true aspect of getting older. Now, I don’t advise pulling teeth before they are ready, though that would show an exceptional amount of dedication (and would probably make the Tooth Faerie quite happy, too)! Instead, purely give the illusion of having to wear dentures. Having a set or two of Luperus Teeth sitting on the sink board will surely add to the overall appearance of being aged, but practicing the mime of pretending to slide them into the mouth just before sitting down to a meal is even better.

Also, it should be noted that taking daily vitamins to supplement your newfound diet would also be a good idea. Vitamin A, B and C Tablets should be on hand at all times to be taken when necessary, preferably ingested as early in the morning as you can. Stocking the medicine cabinet with Flat-u-Less Tablets, Peppermint Stomach Medicine, Sporkle Syrup and especially Aching Lotion is also advised. Being deficient in vitamins is a sure sign of old age, but so is being prone to a myriad of other ailments. The wider array of medications you can produce at the drop of a hat will only aid in appearing much, much older.

Step Five:

The Waiting Game

Now that you’ve accomplished and fulfilled all of the previous steps, you are in for a treat. The last and final step to the process is to wait. With Neopia closing in on Y13, the population as a whole is getting older, but that doesn’t mean that younger pets have to be out of the loop. Waiting for the years to pass and tack one more onto your own age is by far the easiest step to accept. It just takes time and patience, but luckily it takes little effort.

With these tips, you are sure to fit in with the aging crowd of Neopia in record time. Being puerile, vibrant and exuberant will be a thing of the past if you follow this guide down to every last detail. No longer will you have to fear becoming older if you simply age yourself before it can happen!

But if all else fails, do as the truly old do: sit on your Neohome lawn with a Coconut Cocktail and shake your Blue Tonu Tuxedo Cane at all the youngsters as they scamper by.

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