The Not-So-Great Bank Robbery

Randall was wearing a ski mask. Normally, this would have been unremarkable, as it was a very unremarkable ski mask. But it was the month of Hunting, and it was so hot out that baby Pteris were urged to stay indoors in order to avoid hard-boiling. Obviously, Randall was not going skiing.

     He was sitting on one of the many marble tables inside the National Neopian Bank, one hand fiddling with one of the shiny gold pens chained to the tabletop, the other hand holding a cork gun. The brown Meerca had hoped to go swimming at Kiko Lake today, but instead, he had ended up robbing a bank. It was a small scheduling error.

     “All right, listen up, as long as you give me all the money in the safe, we’ll leave and nobody gets hurt,” yelled the other masked neopet in the room, a yellow Aisha named Kevin who was wearing a black mask and ski hat. Randall’s partner, or rather, his slightly crazy friend, had dragged him here under the pretense of taking the free donuts from the coffee table. Instead, he had been stuffed into a ski mask, thrown a cork gun, and told to look as intimidating as possible, despite his flowery island shirt and his purple swim trunks.

     “Sir, I’ve told you, I don’t have access to the safe! I just started working here yesterday and let me tell you, you’re putting a bit of a damper on the whole ‘earning my own way’ deal.” The teller, a pink Xweetok that wasn’t terribly amused by the whole business of being held up at cork-gun-point, pointed to a small silver placard on her teller’s station, reading “Hi! My name is Emma, I’m a new employee, so please be patient as I learn my way around the bank!”

     “Well, don’t you have somebody else I can talk to? A manager or a supervisor or something?” Kevin asked, looking around impatiently. “I’m kind of running on a busy schedule here, and I don’t really have time for this.”

     “Well, you’re the one who chose to rob a bank during lunch hour,” Emma reprimanded him, “so I’m the only one here. You could wait for my manager to get back, but I think that would also entail you being taken into custody by the Chia Police, the Defenders of Neopia, and quite possibly the crazy kadoatie lady who comes in at three. She doesn’t like to be held up. I was waiting for the pizza delivery man, and he might have a few choice words for you as well.”

     “Can we just go then?” Randall requested, “I’m getting really bored with this. I wanted to go to the lake today! You said we’d be in and out and then we’d go swimming!”

     “I told you, we’ll go to the lake once we have money for the ferry ride. I can’t fly you there, you know!” Kevin replied.

     “Well, can I go then? Because I’d much rather be at the lake than here right now,” a striped Eyrie, the only patron of the bank legally withdrawing money at the time, piped up. “And as I am fully capable of flying, I don’t really see a need for me to stay here.”

     “That’s a great idea! She can take me to the lake, and you can deal with this whole business of holding up the bank teller!” Randall exclaimed.

     “No! Nobody’s going anywhere!” Kevin yelled. “This is my hold up, and I want to do this properly! Nobody’s leaving until I get my money! Have you ever heard of a bank robber leaving before he gets his money?”

     “Well, sir, if it was your money, then I could give it to you,” the bank teller replied, “but it isn’t, is it? I think that’s where the problem is. If you would just withdraw money from your account like a normal person, then we wouldn’t be having this argument!”

     Randall agreed, “That’s what I told him! But apparently the inflation in Kiko Lake has just gotten so out of hand that we have to resort to this to buy a few sticks of rock candy. We could have packed our own lunches, I said, but apparently that just ruins the point of going out to the lake for a day.”

     “That’s ridiculous!” The Eyrie chimed in, “The food over there is way overpriced; why couldn’t you just pick up some hotdogs at Hubert’s? Everybody knows that the rock candy isn’t nearly as important as the boat tour, and that’s practically free!”

     “Well, when you go to the lake, then that’s what you’ll do!” Kevin huffed, “but I want to do this vacation properly, and that means that I have to do this robbery properly. Are you sure you don’t even have a thousand neopoints lying around back there?” Randall peered over the teller’s shoulder, scanning the countertop beneath the wall of windows behind the telling stations.

     “Yes, as a bank teller, I leave money sitting around in the back room, just in case somebody wants to come rob me while my boss is out.” Emma rolled her eyes. “Why on earth would I just leave money lying around like that? My job is to keep the money safe, not make your job easier.”

     “You know what, Kevin, I think I might just pop out for one of those hotdogs while we wait. Do you want anything, a smoothie or a neocola maybe?” Randall asked.

     “No!”

     “Alright, be back in a bit then.”

     “No! I mean, no, you aren’t going anywhere, and no, I don’t want anything! Can’t everybody just stay still for a minute?!” Kevin paced the marble floor angrily, glaring at the Xweetok teller behind the wooden desk. Kevin contemplated writing up a bad performance review on one of the little comment cards, but decided against it. She’d probably just tear up the card anyway.

     “Are you sure you don’t have any money? Either of you?” Kevin directed this at Emma and the Eyrie, who was sitting on one of the little striped upholstered couches examining her nails.

     “I told you, I just started working yesterday, I don’t get paid until Thursday.” Emma glared at him.

     The Eyrie retorted, “If I had money, I wouldn’t be here to withdraw, would I? I’ve got some lipstick and a pack of gum if you’re interested.” She was losing her wariness of the cork gun, and was getting rather fed up with Kevin.

     “Well, this was a waste of time, wasn’t it?” Kevin muttered.

     “Can we leave now? I’ve been dying to get this mask off,” Randall asked, perking up a bit.

     “We’ve got nothing better to do.” Kevin sighed.

     “Wonderful! I think if we leave now we can probably still catch the three o’clock tour, but that still leaves lunch up in the air.” Randall pulled the ski mask off, shaking his head as the cool air of the bank hit his face. He tossed the cork gun in the trash can. It was an old toy, and he really didn’t have any use for it.

     Kevin eyed the white-clothed coffee table sitting against the wall. “Erm, Emma, was it?” Kevin asked sheepishly. “Can I maybe grab a few of those free donuts before I go?”

The End