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A Mutant Easter


by mamasimios

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As a mutant Draik myself, I, Cavillace, am considered to be a leading expert on all things mutant: the grotesque, the aberrant, the weird. Sure, we mutants may look different from the rest of you, but I’d like to let you in on a little secret: within the chest of each two-headed Hissi, four-armed Krawk and six-eyed Flotsam lies a heart that beats in time with those of all Neopians. We appreciate the arts and love our families, we enjoy a good meal, we cry as we sing along to sappy love songs, and just like everyone else, we look forward to celebrating the holidays. I understand it can be daunting to select gifts for mutant friends, so with Easter approaching, I thought I would share a list of appropriate items.

1. Reject Usuki Spring Basket

This is a must-have for every mutant Neopian. Not only is this basket a handy receptacle for Neggs while on an Easter Negg hunt, but it also gives mutants a place to store the other Easter gifts they may receive. Appropriately themed for Spring, the fact that there is something “not quite right” about this basket will make any mutant feel comfortable draping it over a mottled arm or clutching it in a clawed fist, paw or fin.

2. Mutated Negg

What mutant would not enjoy skipping (or slithering, dragging, creeping, whatever) through a spring meadow, searching for Neggs? I assure you, the annual Neopian Easter Negg Hunt is an event we all look forward to. We also appreciate being gifted Neggs, with one caveat: we are mutants, not dung or snot or rotten. Therefore, we can become quite insulted when given a Dung Negg or a Slimy Negg or a Rotten (Jhudora or otherwise) Negg. Be aware, we see no harm in returning such insulting and unwanted gifts, usually at high velocity toward the back of the retreating gifter’s head.

3. Chocolate Dr. Sloth

While other Neopians might well enjoy chocolate treats shaped like adorable Cybunnies, I assure you mutants would prefer their chocolate to assume the form of their benefactor, Dr. Sloth. Whether an individual mutant appreciates or curses the gift of transmogrification, the opportunity to munch on the mad doctor’s form is indeed enjoyed by all.

4. Sludge Filled Jelly Beans

Jelly Beans are a traditional treat to find in an Easter basket, and mutants enjoy these tasty candies as much as anyone else. You will find, however, that mutant tongues have a taste for the unusual and in this case, sludge is our absolute favourite flavour. As an aside, it should be noted that we love sludge treats all year round: Eliv Thade Sludge Shakes, Sludge Pies, Sludge Iced Coffee, even Toxic Sludge Haggis. The sludgier the better, I say.

5. Tasty Bag of Mutant Grundo Marshmallows

You can keep your little boxes of sunny yellow Kacheeps; they freak me out, personally, those tidy rows of smiling, friendly forms like a benevolent army at the ready. When a mutant is looking for a pet-shaped marshmallow snack, these mutant Grundos are the preferred choice. The sneers on their sickly green faces are openly menacing and promise to not be hiding ulterior motives at their mushy cores. And they are delicious.

6. Mix and Match Mutant Puzzle

Just as with Faerie and Darigan pets, a mutant appreciates more than just sweets at Easter time. A puzzle like this one would make a thoughtful gift; it says, “I like you just the way you are, but wouldn’t it be neat to see what you would look like with a Techo body and a Grundo head?” This is a very interesting exercise for mutant pets.

7. Bearog

Bearogs are known as “friendly freaks” and make wonderful companions (even though a Bearog can be a bit indecisive). Although live petpets are not usually recommended as Easter gifts, they can make a lonely mutant feel loved at this time of year. But please be warned: mutant Bearogs, with their single heads, are considered an abomination and are subject to banishment and castigation. Please make the appropriate decision when choosing a Bearog for a mutant friend.

8. Sloth Spring Scented Perfume

As is widely known, mutants are prevented from wearing seasonal, and indeed all, clothing, and as such cannot sport festive headwear and flowery bonnets in the Spring Parade. As a result of this fact, mutants have long felt unwelcome as participants in the Parade. Finally, our benefactor, Dr. Sloth, has solved this injustice for us by releasing a Spring scented perfume. One walk through a cloud of this fragrance, and the smell of Spring will ooze out of us, befitting mutants to join in with other Neopians in the annual Parade.

9. Corrupted Pond

Ah, Springtime! As the sun begins to shine warmer, penetrating the extra-thick and spiky hides of mutant pets, our thoughts turn to our gardens and our plans for their mutated glory come the summer. For those seeking an extravagant gift for their mutant friends, a Corrupted Pond would be a most appreciated and thoughtful present at this time of year.

10. The Beautiful Shoyru

Even we mutants who have embraced the challenges of transmogrification enjoy the uplifting stories of our grotesque brethren who have overcome the prejudices of others to gain acceptance in this world of superficiality. At this time of melting snows and blooming flowers, this time of the renewal of the whole of our wondrous planet, this book would make a truly special gift; the gift of understanding, acceptance and love.

If there is one present that mutants would like for other Neopians to buy for themselves at this, or any, time of year, it would be:

Darigan Hand Mirror

In this enchanted mirror, the holder can view what he or she would look like as a mutant. Perhaps if everyone in all of Neopia could have this experience, it would become more widely accepted that our insides and outsides don’t always match; a menacing form can conceal a trembling spirit.

I do hope that this guide can be of some help to those of you who avoid giving gifts to your mutant friends at Easter because of a fear of offending. Remember to listen to your own hearts; in it echoes the beat of your transmogrified companions, more like you than not. There is no need to fear those who are different from you; we may as a rule have enlarged claws and horns and teeth, but we don’t bite. Much.

 
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