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The Finest Moustache in Neopia: A Monologue

by sadinei


Fade in.

The setting is a high-class sitting room. An Elegant Neopia Central Sofa sits in the centre of the stage, a Weewoo Clock to one side and a Fancy Perfume Shelf to the other (though it contains books, not perfume). An aging grey Kyrii walks in from stage left, stroking a rather large brown moustache. The Kyrii repeats this action throughout the performance. He is wearing spectacles, a bowler hat, argyle shirt and black slacks. He stops in front of the sofa before turning to address the audience. He speaks regally, perhaps with an aristocratic accent.

She’s a beauty, isn’t she? I haven’t seen a finer moustache in all of Neopia! Believe me; I’ve seen and admired plenty of them, from the scarce upper lip hair of Hubrid Nox to the full-blown white ‘stache that adorns Anshu’s face. None of them can compare to my moustache, though; she’s perfect.

He plops down on the sofa, all the while stroking his moustache. He tilts his head to look right, as if reminiscing.

I first started growing my beauty... what was it... when I was twenty? No, I think it was just after my twenty-first birthday. Anyhow, they were all the fashion then! Just ask King Hagan, it’s true that I knew him back in the day, we attended the same neoschool and even visited Goldrun together. Ah, they were the good ol’ days. The days we shared before growing moustaches together were fine too, but now I wouldn’t know how to live without one! They make life so much better... I would say moustaches put a smile on your face, but as they hang downwards that would probably be a lie. They look more like frowns. Anyhow, they do make you smile.

He stands, looking around the room. He spots the shelf and walks over to it. He pulls out an ancient copy of Taming The Hair from the shelf and blows the dust off its faded blue cover.

I would have never have made it without this book. Every time I open its blue cover, I’m reminded of the long days during the Faerie Wars that I spent combing and caring for my moustache. Just secretly, I’ve never read this book completely. Doing so would cause it to ‘poof’ away in coloured smoke, never for me to delight in again! I can’t allow that to happen, so I always stop before the last chapter.

He flicks through the book, pausing at a page near the back.

The last chapter is on growing the perfect beard. I was never really interested in having one of my own, but with age it just... appeared on my chin.

The Kyrii pauses to stroke his beard.

It goes quite well with my moustache, some people say. That’s not what I think, though; I think it complements my moustache. My beard isn’t there to look good on its own; no, it’s just there to make my moustache look even better!

He places the blue book back on the shelf and pulls out another, Kyrii Hair Styles. It looks just as old.

When I was younger, I considered becoming a barber. In those days, my lip hair wasn’t quite as important to me as that upon my head, and indeed, down my spine! Kyrii are quite well known for their grooming obsessions, you know. I was no exception to that rule, cutting and cropping my hair style continuously to keep ‘in fashion’. I can’t believe I ever let myself have a mullet! Those things are positively vile to me now. Terrible, terrible I say! He shakes his fist. I would have never got to where I am now with a mullet, that much is certain.

He sighs, replaces the book on the shelf and walks to the front of the stage.

My moustache has been with me throughout the good and the bad, the dire and the uneventful. She was with me when I took part in the first Meridell war, and she was with me when I won my first game of Cheat! against my relative, Capara. I hope she will always be with me, but for some there comes a time when one’s hair begins to fall out. Mine... He reaches for his bowler hat and removes it, revealing a balding head. ...has already started to go. Luckily, my moustache is special. I know she’ll never go. We couldn’t bear to be apart, so we never will be.

He opens his mouth to say something but closes it again. He raises a finger, then snaps them when he remembers.

Meepits, the Pant Devil, Grundos... what do they have in common?

He pauses, waiting for a reply. When he gets none, he continues.

In the past, they’ve all tried to take my glorious moustache at one time or another! The Meepits were first; I think they knew its secret. They snuck into my neohome one night, and I woke just as they were grabbing her! I shooed them with a smack of my hand, angry that any creature; petpet or neopet, should even try to take my glorious beauty away from her proper place with me!

The moustache wiggles, but the Kyrii seems unfazed by this unnatural facial hair movement.

The Pant Devil was next; I’m not completely sure why he came. Maybe my moustache had some undefined value I was unaware of, or perhaps he was just tired of stealing mundane things like Bagguss. Either way, his attempt was futile as I would not let anyone take her away!

The moustache wiggles again.

The last attempt was a Grundo, pink with unnerving wings. He said he was gathering items for some ‘Master’, but I’m not sure what type of master would want another’s moustache... unless he couldn’t grow one of his own?

The Kyrii sniggers. The look looks unnatural on his regal face.

There is a saying that goes; ‘A man is not truly a man unless he can grow a moustache’! But alas, that means I am not a man, for I have never succeeded in growing one of my own.

He reaches for his lip hair. It quivers.

I am sorry for deceiving you all this time, but I could not see another way for me to be considered a true ‘man’! I did not want to be seen as a boy my whole life. I was so vain, and oh the lies I’ve told! No, I wasn’t lying when I said I ‘grew’ my moustache back when I was twenty-one. However, it was not hair that was growing, but...

He pulls the ‘moustache’ from his lip and holds it out in his hands. It slowly uncurls, revealing that it is actually a Tyrannian Spyder!

...my darling petpet, Beauty! Yes, she was such a tiny little Spyder when I first got her, now she’s the perfect size to pose as a moustache! I wasn’t lying when I said Beauty was the finest moustache in all of Neopia; no pet has ever had a better friend.

He laughs before placing the Spyder back above his lip, where she curls up in a way that conceals her distinguishing Spyder features. Stroking her fondly, he exits stage right.

Fade out.

The End

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