Sanity is forbidden Circulation: 177,350,918 Issue: 426 | 15th day of Sleeping, Y12
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

The Neocola Conspiracy

by dandelioncupcake


In Kreludor, a machine stands between the Kreludan Mining Corporation and Kreludan Homes. Every day, Neopians shove Neocola tokens into its slot, only to find items of doom instead of refreshing drinks. However, who could be behind this evil contraption? Dr. Sloth? The Grundo population? Fyora? (Hey, who said it couldn’t be possible?) And, even if we don’t find out who built this machine, what purpose is it supposed to serve? Was it once a good machine, gone bad by lack of oxygen and gravity? It is my purpose to speculate and accuse all in this article: The Neocola Conspiracy.

Theory Number One: Grundos

Is it just me, or does it seem a bit odd that a Neocola machine would be on a barren moon, where the only inhabitants are Grundos? It only makes sense that the species to live near the Neocola machine would have built it in the first place. The only things that aren’t Grundos on Kreludor are the S750 Kreludan Defender Robots that live in the mine, but I couldn’t get a straight answer out of them. All they said was that I didn’t have authorization and then they tried to shoot me with lasers. Yikes.

Plausible: There’s so many of them, and they all have diabolical little minds.

Theory Number Two: S750 Kreludan Defender Robots

True, these strange beings live on Kreludor as well. Plus, they seem willing to obey their leader, Dr. Sloth, which means being violent and rash. When I tried to interview them, they seemed to have a secret to cover up. On the other hand, they’re only programmed to do two things: mine and protect the mines. I don’t think they’re smart enough to build a weapon of doom.

Rejected: Not smart enough.

Theory Number Three: Dr. Sloth

Well, TNT does suggest on the page of the Neocola Machine that it ‘dispenses items of such immense doom and destruction that only Sloth himself could be behind such a dastardly contraption’. However, that’s pretty much where the lead runs dry. Dr. Sloth is a very busy evil villain. I don’t think he’d have enough time, what with trying to rule Neopia and all, to build a machine that dispenses Baby Space Fungus and T-Shirts.

Plausible: Dr. Sloth is evil, after all.

Theory Number Four: Portal

It had been suggested that the Neocola Machine, when its buttons are pressed in the right fashion, can beam you to any place in Neopia. That’s right, my fellow Conspiracy Theorists, Jelly World. Can this contraption of doom really send you to a place so wonderful? Of course, (*backpedals*) Jelly World doesn’t exist, right? Right?!

Rejected: Jelly World isn’t real.

Theory Number Five: Good Gone Bad

Another theory is that this machine used to be owned by the faeries when it actually dispensed Neocola. Dr. Sloth, of course, stole it, and shipped it up to Kreludor, where it was changed into the Doom Dispenser 3000, then ‘changed’ into the Neocola Machine by slapping on a cheap poster that reads: ‘Drink it or Perish!’

Rejected: The faeries? Come on! Fyora won’t admit it anyway, so there’s no proof.

Theory Number Six: Not a Machine

Another theory is that this is really an elaborate Safety Deposit Box, which beams Baby Space Fungus and other Sloth items from a random person’s SDB, therefore stealing and handing it out to random people who just happen to push a token into the slot.

Rejected: No proof. Besides, nothing can be stolen from your SDB by the Pant Devil or any other special event.

Theory Number Seven: Pant Devil

The Neocola Machine could really be a stash for the Pant Devil’s items. I mean, where else is he gonna keep them? He’s too greedy to put them up on the Money Tree. Does he even have a house?

Rejected: Not a large enough range in items for the Pant Devil.

Theory Number Eight: Trashcan

The Neocola Machine used to be an elaborate trashcan, and only a variety of Sloth-approved items have been left behind. I said elaborate, and I mean it, too; you actually would have to pay someone to take their garbage out! Literally!

Rejected: In the good old days, some of these items didn’t exist. At least, I don’t think they did.

Theory Number Nine: Doesn’t Exist

The Neocola Machine is just a figment of our imagination. Why else would it be so ridiculous and outlandish if we weren’t making it up as we go along? Of course, then that would be like the whole population of Neopia going to sleep at night and having the exact same dream as you. *shiver*

Rejected: Like I said, everyone with the same dream as you. Or the same nightmare. *diabolical laugh*

Theory Number Ten: Prototype

The Neocola Machine is really just a small model for one of Dr. Sloth’s later plans. The plan, dear reader? A dispenser of doom as large as the Lost Desert. Adult Space Fungus larger than ten people stacked on top of each other. Sloth T-Shirts able to fit an Elephante! *more diabolical laughter*

Rejected: Sloth may be evil, but where’s the proof? We need proof!

On the boards, these theories (and many more that are even more outlandish) have been argued, questioned, pondered, killed, smitten, agreed upon, loved, laughed at, snorted at, sneezed at, used as weapons, used as excuses, used to battle with, tormented, eaten, lapped up, stolen, pointed at, accused, pooh-poohed, gargled at, tossed to the floor, stomped on, smashed, broken, envied, stapled, glued together, ripped, forgotten, accused of being ridiculous, buffeted, slapped, punched, kicked, bitten, smacked, clashed, trusted, thrust upon, knocked out, crashed, popped, thrashed about, floundered, assumed, fancied, envisioned, projected, supposed, understood, sensed, and imagined. Dr. Sloth may have fooled us, or the Grundos may have fooled us, or even our own imaginations, but we don’t care. You see, we don’t need to know the answer to the Neocola machine. We just need to be entertained by the very thought of conspiracy.

The very thought of conspiracy, yes... and the fights, the battles, the intrigue that goes with it. Who cares if there’s a conspiracy? Isn’t the real fun pretending if there is?

Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


Grundos, Rocks, and Other Things
He was loaded into the orange Grundo's slingshot, and suddenly found himself airborne. If he had had eyes, he would have closed them, very tightly.

by crazy_holly_ii


Battle Potatoes: The Sweet Life of Faeries
Persistance is the motto of any good moocher- I mean Faerie!!

Idea by megaamark

by ivie_outrage


Long Nights
So with nowhere else to turn... I worked for Dr. Sloth. And sometimes... things just went wrong.

by child_dragon


Hearts of Fire: Part One
She crept into one of the narrow corridors of the Virtupets Space Station. The only light came from the intermittent blinks of the status buttons...

by saphira_27

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.