50 New Year's Resoloutions for You

DISCLAIMER: dogzruleyeah330 does not approve of attempting to keep 50 resolutions at once, and is not liable for any serious damage, illness, or therapy bills that may result.

1. Resolve to finally cut off your pet's Neonip supply. This will be the year that those puppy-dog eyes don't get you. Really. Are you calling me a liar?

2. Vow to never again let your pet drink a mega slushie before bedtime. His Neoschool teacher is getting tired of those "I slept late because I was up all night with bathroom breaks" excuses.

3. Swear to cut down on your pet's sugar intake, or at the very least stop the intravenous sugar injections. Those things are expensive!

4. Resolve to clean out your pet's closet. Yes, that includes the ten thousand identical Magical Hair Usukis that she's hoarding for when they "shoot through the roof".

5. Limit your pet's pizza rations to one slice at a time. It's getting to the point where they don't even need a Bottled Fire Faerie to use flaming breath.

6. Promise yourself that you will have at least 1,000,000 Neopoints saved up to buy your pet an expensive present when he starts screaming that you deprive him of everything.

7. Insist that you will not crack under pressure when the cutest Kadoatie you have ever seen begs for just one teensy-weensy Blue Draik Egg.

8. Take a solemn oath that you will never use the word 'n00b' again, because it is mean and hurtful. Although you may have to clench your teeth when someone repeatedly Neomails, promising that he will give your Faerie Paint Brush right back once he's used it.

9. Resolve to sit in front of King Skarl all day, every day, spouting nonsense until he either gives you the avatar or bursts into tears. And if he does the latter...well, break out the camera!

10. Swear that you will get a Garlic Kiko or Jubjub no matter what it takes, and proceed to feed your Kiko or Jubjub garlic until the tears start to flow, either from all that garlic or a stomach that's about to explode.

11. Feed jelly to your Poogle/Ixi/Kyrii/whatever, until they either turn into a Jelly pet, or the Giant Jelly begins to look suspiciously small. It DOES last forever, right? Oh, wait. It doesn't exist. My bad.

12. Vow that this time, you will actually beat Punchbag Bob. Yes, even if you have to drop ice cubes down your back to stay awake!

13. Decide to donate to the Money Tree every single day. Unless, of course, your pet is hungry, or you're saving up for something, or you saw that one plushie that just...oh, never mind.

14. Promise to read every single Neopian Encyclopedia, even if it takes an entire month. I did it, after all. And no, that's not a beard sprouting on my chin, smarty-pants.

15. Make yourself to get a pass to the Gourmet Club, no matter how crazy its members are. If they say "Ants on Ants" is gourmet, then, well...I hope you mastered suppressing your gag reflex!

16. Resolve to play Eliv Thade until you get that avatar. And don't panic and stop when you start instinctually unscrambling even regular words--that means you're almost there!

17. Go all-organic for the new year! And don't sweat the weird, broccoli-like ear hair--it's the true sign of an environment-conscious Neopian.

18. Put all your efforts toward beating Spectre at Cheat!.

19. After you finish number 18, resolve to cure the pathological lying that you've mysteriously developed.

20. Vow to collect every single real-life Neopets plushie. Yes, even the ones outside your country. A true fan doesn't let measly plane ticket costs get in their way!

21. Resolve to obtain every single stamp. Then wear them around on your head, since you worked too hard to just let them sit in an album.

22. After your friends notice you doing number 21, resolve to be on your extra-best behavior so you can get released from the Neopian Hospital's psych ward.

23. Start off the new year by conquering your fear of the dark. You can start with the Lair of the Beast. Honestly, that giant roaring pterodactyl is just a hologram. It won't eat you or anything. I think...

24. To supplement number 23, conquer your fear of heights by persuading the Poogle Racers to let you join.

25. Resolve to get a job. You need Neopoints to pay for the surgeries after number 23 and 24.

26. Resolve to quit playing Neopets and get a life. Wait...that one was for my April Fools Day article!

27. Resolve to break a Neopian record! Try for Most Time Spent Chewing Globs of Chewing Dung--that one can't be set too high.

28. Go for the Neohome Spotlight. It's not as hard as you think! Just imagine: How could any judge resist a house covered in wall-to-wall Dung Carpet?

29. Resolve to spend a day cleaning your Neohome after number 28's spectacular failure.

30. Keep trying at the Coconut Shy until you win that prize. No, of COURSE that's not a jumbo bottle of Super Glue you saw behind the counter...

31. Get through the entire year without ever asking anybody else for Lenny Conundrum answers. OK, well, maybe just one look at the Boards. Or maybe just two. Or...oh, forget it.

32. Spend a day working towards getting a Mystery Pic trophy. It's not so hard. Just compare every picture on the site to the blurry image. There can't be that many pictures on the entire site, right?

33. Vow to spread more cheer throughout Neopia. Start by bringing the Snowager a warm cup of borovan. I don't mean anything by this, but you may want to pick a day when the Healing Springs Faerie isn't busy.

34. After recovering from number 33, continue your mission by sending angry Neomails to owners of Grey pets, telling them that they are contributing to Neopian sadness. You may want to stop when you get an official warning from Neopets. But then again, that's just me.

35. Resolve to stop wasting perfectly good items! For example, Musho Mushy Peas are free, low-calorie, and a good source of eight essential vitamins. I can't imagine why nobody eats them! And no, that's not a whole can of them that I just dumped down my sink. What kind of person do you think I am?

36. Take a vow to live the simple life for Year 7--live completely off of items from the Tiki Tak Shop. Just be creative--you can actually brush your teeth with a Hularoo!

37. Or, if the Tiki Tak doesn't suit you, fulfill number 36 by moving to Meridell for a year. I hear that they don't even have bathtubs there...but then again, that's just based on input from my nose. Bring clothespins, people.

38. Swear your New Year's allegiance to Jhudora. Hurry up now, only 10 minutes left to get a Plushie Chomby Morphing Potion!

39. Swear your allegiance to Illusen. Hey, don't blame me if trying this and number 38 together is harmful to your health.

40. Resolve to win the jackpot at the Scratchcard Kiosk. Oh dear, you only got TWO matching symbols? And after spending 115,000 Neopoints on that Icetravaganza Scratchcard? Sorry, you need three of a kind to win--hard luck!

41. Resolve to learn HTML and make your pet a big, beautiful, spotlight-winning pet page. What, you don't know what CSS framsets with interspersed blogs are? Better get cracking, then!

42. Promise that you'll never eat another Apple Chia, no matter how hungry you are. You've never eaten an Apple Chia, you say? Oh, good. It's only me, then. Wait, I didn't say that!

43. Vow that this will be the year that you FINALLY limit late-night holiday cookie binges to the actual holiday season.

44. Resolve to eat an apple a day--it keeps the doctor away! You know that you're scared of that terrible, terrible Gelert Doctor. Face it, every night you're terrified to close your eyes, for fear that his face will appear on the insides of your eyelids...Oooh, I just gave myself the shivers!

45. Resolve to reorganize your inner priorities, find yourself, and influence lives by the year's end. I don't exactly know what that means, but it sure sounds nice, doesn't it?

46. Promise to make one new Neofriend within the year. I wouldn't trade my Neofriends for all the Neopoints in Neopia! Well, maybe. Hey, guys! Where are you going!? I didn't mean it!!

47. Resolve to get your comic strip in the Neopian Times. Who knows, maybe you'll write one so funny that readers will laugh, they'll cry, they'll fall off their chair, they'll...well, I don't think you necessarily need to know that...

48. Resolve to write a short story that "touches the soul with hidden dreams, shocking frankness, and poignant metaphoric representation." I don't know what that means either, I read it when I accidentally picked up Elite NeoSnobs magazine.

49. Resolve to learn one new word every day of the year! By next Christmas, you'll be defining 'brobdingnagian' with ease!

50. Resolve to buy your pet that item he has begged for every day of Year 6 as a belated Christmas present. He's not the only one getting a gift--just try and tell me that smile he's wearing doesn't measure up to a prettily wrapped box!

There you have it, 50 resolutions I know it's a bit late, but as they say, better late than never! You've still got around 50 weeks--what are you waiting for?