The most fantastic thing in the universe! Circulation: 175,178,569 Issue: 372 | 19th day of Celebrating, Y10
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

Christmas in the Stars: Holiday Customs on Kreludor

by arula


You may think of Kreludor as a remote and alien place. You are correct: it is visited by Alien Aishas, and many of them do control their robots with remotes. The barren moon has no fireplaces, only exhaust ports; no snow, only rifts bubbling with eternal lava; no fir trees, only fir-tree-shaped rocket ships. How could such an isolated place observe the season of Giving?

The answer is both fascinating and strange. In the absence of stable gravity, liquid water, and organic life forms, the Neopets of Kreludor have developed a whole suite of charming holiday customs unique to Neopia’s most festive (and only) moon. Why not incorporate a few of them into your own Christmas routine this year?

Deck the Halls with Kilotons of Tinsel

For eleven months out of the year, Kreludor is a harsh, barren landscape of desolate rock, interrupted only by the occasional garishly-colored geodesic dome. During the month of Giving, it is transformed into a harsh, barren landscape of shiny, shiny tinsel. The Grundos of Kreludor approach Christmas decorations with the same single-minded intensity that they approach strip-mining: If ten strands of tinsel are good, then ten thousand strands are excellent, and ten to the fiftieth power are even better. Each year, all Kreludan industry grinds to a halt as the factories shut down their usual production and start churning out tinsel by the metric ton. By the last week of Giving, Kreludor is entirely covered in a thick, shaggy layer of tinsel. The unassuming little moon takes on the look of a huge metallic Gnorbu in need of shearing, a sight that draws thousands of Gnorbu tourists each year.

The week after Christmas, the tinsel cleanup process is all-consuming. Much of the decoration is recycled or reused by industrious Neopets. It is ground and baked into tinselbread, molded into delicious tinselcanes, or served in a congealed heap as Roast Tinsel. In a pinch, it can even be woven into a haphazard spacesuit. Young Kreludans often host post-Christmas spacesuit-weaving contests, then launch the contestants into low orbit to see how their creations fare. Perhaps you can incorporate this quirky holiday game into your own Neofamily’s celebrations! (The Neopian Times is not responsible for resulting decompression, asphyxiation, or discoloration.)

Enterprising Neopians have occasionally tried to introduce non-tinsel decoration options into Kreludan society, but so far all attempts have flopped. The Mistletoe Debacle of Year 4 is still spoken of darkly by the Kreludan elders, and a recent attempt to introduce Poinsettias was met with disaster when the festive flowers burst into flames upon entering Kreludor’s methane atmosphere. For now and for the foreseeable future, tinsel is king.

The Stockings Were Riveted to the Support Beam with Care

Kreludor’s light, springy gravity makes traditional fabric stockings impractical: if they’re not riveted to a convenient hunk of titanium, they tend to drift away into the endless night. Instead, Kreludan pets set out their empty boots on Christmas Eve. As fashionable Kreludan spaceboots can weigh upwards of 90 pounds apiece (Neopian gravity), there’s little risk of these “stockings” tumbling away under a light breeze. In the morning, all the little Grundos wake up to two boots brimful of candy, which smells only slightly of feet.

Kreludan spaceboots are not easily available on Neopia proper, but fear not: if you’d like to have an authentic Kreludan-style Christmas, it’s easy to mimic the proper effect. Simply secure a pair of heavy-duty cast-iron cooking pots and a lump of the stinkiest cheese you can find. Smear cheese in pots. Fill pots with candy. You’re practically a native Kreludan!

HO -bzzt- HO -bzzt- HO

That candy, and the presents that follow, are brought by a figure of much reverence to Kreludan children: Sankloz VII, an Alien Aisha of legendary generosity and impressive girth. Sankloz VII is rumored to wear a mind-control helmet of his own design, which allows him to see Neopets when they’re sleeping, know when they’re awake, and know when they’ve been bad or good. Despite these clear invasions of privacy, he has yet to be apprehended by the Kreludan authorities.

Mind-reading is not the worst of Sankloz VII’s crimes. He is most notorious for his repeated and blatant trespassing. On the 25th day of Giving, he uses his transporter beam to materialize in young Neopets’ houses, which often causes irreparable molecular changes to the carpet and surrounding furniture. Like many repeat criminals, he leaves tokens at the site of his break-ins: nerkmid-shaped plushies, adorable robotic petpets, bits of radioactive meteor candy, and the like. Even the most advanced security systems have been unable to halt his yearly invasions, so most Kreludans have resigned themselves to his presence, and his presents. Some even leave him little tokens of their own: a mug of acidic goo is a popular gesture, often accompanied by a plate of spare gears and electrical wires. In the morning, Neopets awake to find that their offerings have been vaporized: a “thank you” from Sankloz VII.

Figgy Pudding in a Tube

After the boots have been emptied, the presents unwrapped, and the throw-rug draped over the oozing hole in the carpet, it’s time for that most treasured of holiday customs: the Christmas feast! All over Kreludor, Neopets and their robotic companions gather around the table for a celebration of their barren moon’s natural bounty. While Kreludor’s absence of soil, rain, and oxygen make it impossible to sustain any form of agriculture, the humble moon does produce one thing in great abundance: Congealed Food-Product in a Tube. The Kreludan Christmas table looks like a display at a toothpaste factory: hefty family-sized tubes of Liquid Ham, short stubby tubes of Potato Paste, and dainty little tubes of Piped Parsley for garnish. “Pass the Squeezable Tigersquash!” cry tiny Grundos, while their sisters squirt sticky swirls of Processed Pie Product onto their tongues.

Want to try this delightful Kreludan custom in your own home this year? It’s easy and fun, and all it takes is an industrial-strength food processor! Simply blend each course of your Christmas meal into a gooey gray-brown paste, add a few drops of food coloring for pizzazz, and siphon the goop into an empty toothpaste tube. One Kreludan Christmas, coming right up!

Merry Christmas to All, and to All a -bzzt- TRANSMISSION LOST

Now that you’ve learned of Kreludor’s appealing holiday traditions, we hope you’ll give them a try, and open your own home to their unique and gooey charms. This Christmas, take a moment to step outside and peer up at Neopia’s remote, mysterious moon. Its pets may not have snow, gravity, or non-liquid ham... but somewhere up there, they’re celebrating Christmas too.

Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


Fuzzeh Logic: The Holidays!
Holidays bring out the best in us.

by jackjack1234


Plushie Island: Part Three
"Look!" several plushies shrieked, pointing and causing the makeshift boat to tilt back and forth to the sides. "There's the island!"

by majikel


Friends Till the End
"It's the Christmas season, and nobody deserves to be alone on Christmas."

by jdb1984


Merry Christmas!
I'll go check my presents!

Idea by pseudo_philosopher

by cevierakasky

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.