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A Career in Villainy Part 1: To Evil Or Not To Evil

by bindi026


Take a moment, please, to consider those tireless villains of Neopia: Lord Kass, Captain Scarblade and our great leader- uh, our great enemy, Dr Frank Sloth. What do they all have in common? Why, their admirable desire for power, of course - be it rule of Meridell, Maraqua or the whole of Neopia. All noble ambitions, I think you’ll agree. So what could be better than joining the ranks of these lords of evil and masters of destruction? The answer is, I tell you, nothing. Nothing can top the satisfaction of seeing a world’s destruction and knowing it was all down to you! Or being in the headlines and all over Neovision every single day! Or even having a beanbag chair with your face on it sold at the Furniture Shop! A career in villainy is certainly THE most rewarding occupation in Neopia.

I am Bindi026, special correspondent, and I will be guiding you to becoming a renowned force of evil, feared by Neopets and Neopians alike.

Now that we’ve finished with the dreaming, it’s time to start on the scheming! Before you make the big decision to become a villain, there are a few things you need to consider:

#1. Do I have the right temperament for a villain?

As a villain, it’s very important to be nasty, demanding and unreasonable, otherwise how else will you torment and frighten your enemies? A nice villain will never amount to much in this world, and love? Forget it, you’re disqualified.

#2. Do I have what it takes to become a villain?

Villainy’s hard graft, let me tell you. Not that I have any personal experience in the matter. *shifty eyes* Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that you’re going to need every ounce of intelligence, cunning, and skill that you possess to get you to the top. Having a full purse (no, a wallet, villains don‘t carry purses!) helps too, although later on you should be able to rely on fearful minions to get you what you want.

#3. Do I have/can I easily obtain the necessary requisites?

Just a small amount of experience can get you a long way in the evil world. Before you embark on your voyage of villainy, I suggest checking that you have completed at least one of the following:

Plotted or co-plotted an evil scheme on the Virtupets or Evil Things and Monster Sightings board.

Played at least a few adventure/action games on the site. I recommend Evil Fuzzles from Beyond the Stars as it contains valuable life skills.

Won at least 10 rounds at the Battledome.

If possible, participated in a plot on the ‘bad guy’s’ side.

So now that you know what is needed, why not take this short quiz to see if you’ve got what it takes. Answer yes or no to the following statements and keep a record of your answers. No cheating, now, because villains never cheat. *cough, cough*

1. I’m good at games involving strategy.

2. One or more of my pets is painted Baby or Faerie.

3. One or more of my pets is painted Mutant or any other evil colour (yes, asparagus counts).

4. I always participate in plots on the ’good’ side.

5. I always participate in plots on the ’bad’ side.

6. My Neopets are afraid of me.

7. My Neopets are always willing to serve me, no matter what.

8. I always win at the Battledome.

9. I always lose at the Battledome.

10. I love scaring the wits out of people.

OK then, here are the points for each question:

Q1. Yes = 2 No = 0

Q2. Yes = 0 No = 2

Q3. Yes = 2 No = 1

Q4. Yes = 0 No = 2

Q5. Yes = 2 No = 0

Q6. Yes = 2 No = 0

Q7. Yes = 2 No = 0

Q8. Yes = 2 No = 1

Q9. Yes = 0 No = 1

Q10. Yes = 2 No = 0

So, count up your score and let’s see if you’re worthy enough to become the next Dr Sloth.

15-19: Evil Genius in the Making!

Wow! You’ve definitely got the smarts/scariness to become one of the world’s top villains. You could take over from Lord Darigan, easy. Keep up the great work; it won’t take you long to be one of Neopia’s finest.

10-14: Successful Villain

You’re nearly there, keep it up! Just try to be a bit more menacing and cunning, and you’ll be on the world stage soon (just swing by the Trading Post and pick up a transmogrification potion, hey? Baby pets really don’t help you on your evil way).

5-9: Strange Sidekick

You’re going to need a serious attitude and style makeover a if you want to be successful in villainy. I’d suggest that you throw away your Tooth Faerie quilt cover, ditch any Neofriends who aren’t upcoming evils and focus on being horrible to everyone you meet. Start practising on baby pets (easy) and work your way up to mutants (very, very hard). It could take some time and effort, but if you’re sure, then go ahead and get fighting!

0-4: Kind Faerie

OK, forget it. No offence, but you’re just not cruel enough to be an evil icon; I guess you’re just not cut out for that sort of thing. Never mind. You could try reading A Career in Kindness or helping out in the soup kitchen or something.

So now you know if you can (or can‘t) make it big in the Gallery of Evil, it’s time to get your career off the ground. Good luck out there, and happy scheming! I hope you enjoyed this article and found it informative and/or amusing. There will be more where that came from - stay tuned for part 2 of A Career in Villainy, Creating the Character, which covers names, evil laughs, attitudes and much more, and will (hopefully) be published soon.

This is special correspondent Bindi026, signing off.

My first article in the Neopian Times! W00t!

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