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The Perfect Villain

by kattrish


What makes the perfect villain?

Is it the dark mysterious cloak? Those hypnotizing eyes? Is it that evil grin? Or perhaps the hundreds of minions trailing behind you, ready to do your bidding?

The best of those evil masterminds have agreed to share bits of their secrets to fellow journalists, Cay and Caedir, so all you villainous aspirants out there, best sit down, grab a meepit, and read.

“My teeth are bared and my claws are drawn. Now give me your money.” ~Tax Beast

Tax Beast: First off, a villain must at least have a way to succeed in whichever take-over-the-world plan that exists. I mean, who ever heard of someone trying to take control of the whole galaxy with only one neopoint? Dude... you need several of those. Like 528 million.

Cay: But why would you need the money, Mr. Tax Beast?

Tax Beast: Duh. Minions cost money. Spacecraft, ships and other vehicles cost money. Even renting a secret lair costs money. The whole universe revolves around the shiny gold neopoint.

Caedir: Actually, the Alien Aishas use nerkmids.

Tax Beast: Whatever. It’s still shiny.

Cay: So, what do you suggest for all the young villains-to-be?

Tax Beast: *shows teeth and claws* Rawr.

Caedir: Eew. Bad breath.

Tax Beast: Hygiene is of no importance!

Caedir: I see.

Cay: That’s very... disturbing Mr. Tax Beast.

Tax Beast: Disturbing is my middle name.

Caedir: I thought it was *chuckles* “Malfred”.

Tax Beast: Insolent child.

Caedir: Thank you.

Tax Beast: You’ll make the perfect villain.

Cay: Okay. Can we get on with the interview please?

Caedir and Tax Beast: Fine.

Cay: So any other tips?

Tax Beast: Once you have the teeth and the claws, stay right outside the National Neopian Bank and wait. Trust me, a LOT of Neopians will be caught unawares.

Cay: Won’t you get told off by the guards and whatnot if you stay outside?

Tax Beast: I repeat: TEETH AND CLAWS. No sane person would dare tell you off once you have those two very important things.

“You need minions. Minions need you.” ~Dr. Frank Sloth

Caedir: “Minions need you”? That doesn’t make sense.

Sloth: It means, my dear emotional Peophin, that minions cannot exist without their masters.

Caedir: That still doesn’t make sense.

Sloth: Yes, it does. Several of my minions are under the power of *shifty eyes* mind control. And who controls the mind control device? The Master.

Caedir: Well, that clears up a few things. So, why minions?

Sloth: Minions are definitely better than cronies.

Cay: What are cronies, Mr. Sloth?

Sloth: That’s Doctor Sloth to you. I’m an evil genius, not some random person passing by. So, anyway, cronies are basically friends--Oh how I dislike that word--while minions are devoted servants who run around to do your bidding and only your bidding.

Cay: Oh. So how much is their pay?

Sloth: Who said anything about “pay”? *evil grin*

Caedir: So evil. *grins evilly as well*

Sloth: Thank you very much.

Cay: So any other tips, Mr--Doctor Sloth?

Sloth: When you have robotic minions, don’t assign them with water-related tasks. Like plumbing.

“Desire Power, and Power shall come to you.” ~Masila

Caedir: So, “Mistress of the Double-Cross”, what villainous tips do you have?

Masila: I sense sarcasm. Don’t you dare use that tone with me.

Caedir: Oh really?

Cay: Um... interview, please?

Masila: Where was I?

Caedir: You muttered something about power and blah.

Masila: Ah, yes. Power. That’s what every villain should strive for. Even if it takes a thousand and one treacherous acts, a good mastermind must never give up that ultimate quest.

Cay: Treacherous acts?

Masila: Oh yes. Betraying so-called “friends” and whatnot to achieve greatness.

Cay: But why betray friends? They’re your friends.

Masila: So? That’s life, kid.

Caedir: What a sad, sad life that is.

Masila: Who said it should be sad? That little sadness of yours would vanish when you have ultimate power.

Caedir: Right.

Masila: So... Power, children. Get that in your heads.

“Oewlkndeg si teh omts omrttapin htgin.” ~Eliv Thade

(translates to: “Knowledge is the most important thing.”)

Cay: Well, I can’t argue with him on that!

Caedir: Pfft... knowledge?

Eliv Thade: A perfect villain must always have a perfectly evil plan, and a perfectly evil plan requires tremendous amount of thinking for it to succeed.

Caedir: It sounds painful.

Eliv Thade: Not so.

Caedir: *looks at scars on Eliv Thade’s head* It even looks painful.

Eliv Thade: It is not.

Caedir: Sure.

Cay: So what do you suggest for all those young villains out there?

Eliv Thade: Read books, solve puzzles, challenge people to some mind games... those are a few that could help improve the villainous youth.

Cay: Speaking of puzzles, what of that puzzle that you were trying to solve several years back?

Eliv Thade: *hyperventilates, keels over, and faints*

Caedir: I don’t think you should have mentioned that.

“Fear the black sails.” ~Captain Scarblade

Caedir: Hopefully, you won’t talk in pirate, right? No “arrs” and “yo-ho-hos”?

Captain Scarblade: Insolen--

Caedir: Yes, yes. Insolent child. I get it. So, Captain, any tips or whatever? And perhaps hurry? This pirate ship is smelly.

Cay: I’d have to agree on the smelly part.

Captain Scarblade: My. Ship. Is. Not. Smelly.

Caedir: Awesome. I disagree.

Captain Scarblade: This is the problem with you young folk; you don’t know fear!

Cay: Fear?

Captain Scarblade: Fear! Fear is the tool all ye scalawags must wield to be able to have power! Arr!

Caedir: You won’t start singing that pirate yo-ho-ho song, I hope?

Cay: I think you’re angering him...

Caedir: So--

*a dozen pirates appear out of nowhere*

Captain Scarblade: Exhibit A: Pirates. Afraid yet?

Caedir: Nope.

*the dozen pirates bring out swords and cutlasses*

Captain Scarblade: Exhibit B: Pirates with swords.

Caedir: Fine. We get it. Fear. Woot.

Captain Scarblade: Thank you. Now may I go on?

Cay: Sure!

Captain Scarblade: Instill fear in the people’s hearts and they will do your bidding. Would a minion be loyal to you if you’re all kind and honest and sweet? Would the people willingly follow you if they do not fear you?

Cay: Actually--

Captain Scarblade: NO! They will not! That’s why the greatest of all villains wear those black spiffy outfits with a matching cape. That’s why the pirates of the seas wave their little black skull-crossed sails. Fear is the most powerful tool. Fear is the ultimate weapon!

Caedir: Pirate dude... chill.

Cay: Yup. Calm down, please.

Captain Scarblade: NEVER! ARR! *jumps off ship*

Caedir: Pirate dude’s lost it.

Cay: You got that right.


Money, minions, power, knowledge, and the ability to instill fear in people’s hearts... those make up the perfect villain.

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