TOP SECRET FILES

Of paper cuts and other such ailments which may result from touching this file. This includes all paper related injuries save only suffocation by paper.

File code: 9849851469841 96519 84654198 0261231 09090984 54954984 954191 94985 4156494 point 2

File Size: One

PLEASE NOTE THAT IF YOU HAVE ALREADY READ THIS FAR, YOU ARE IN VIOLATION OF THE nEOPIAN sECRETS aGENCY AND WILL BE SUBJECT TO DISCIPLINARY ACTION IF CAUGHT IN THE FORM OF A WHACK ON THE HAND AND NO DESSERT. ALTHOUGH IF YOU HAVE GOT THIS FAR YOU PROBABLY WON’T GET CAUGHT AND MIGHT AS WELL READ THIS ANYWAY, IT'S NOT LIKE ANYONE CARES!

File Secrecy: 5.999/4 (quality hotel)

File Name: ‘My Diary – Shortened Version’

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Here is recorded the diary of one, Alice Airhead, the green Usul, who traveled to Krawk Island on a most enjoyable expedition to discover many secrets. She did, in fact, uncover many things of interest though not particularly to her. Please be discreet while reading this file. Do not read in a private place or else you may be tempted to read it out loud. Ensure that you have your back to a wall or other obstacle so that no one may read over your shoulder and ensure that you are not with anyone you know to avoid the temptation of telling them the awful things that this secret file contains. Good Luck.

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Wednesday

I feel like someone rode a Uni over me but today is a big day so I have to pull myself together. I’ve got to pack for our expedition to Maraqua and then on to Krawk Island so I’ll need a waterproof and pirateproof travel pack. I think TNT might have one but they’re not letting me borrow it.

Thursday

I left early this morning and am on a ship called the Destroyer. I’m not sure why they call it that but there are square holes in the side of the hull and huge big things covered up with sheets. The captain walks with a hood drawn over his head and one mitten on his right hand. I tried to shake his hand but he just sounded like he leered.

The rest of the crew aren’t much better either and they’re all wearing the most wonderful uniform of horizontal black and white stripes. The effect is quite stunning.

Saturday

I heard a strange sound coming from below deck yesterday evening and tried to get down there but one of the crew members caught me and ‘clapped me in irons’. I’m writing this with my teeth you see. The noise was like people's voices except more screechy and incoherent.

Saturday – Still

There is a bird outside my window.

Sunday

The bird is still there, I think it might be my own reflection but I’m not sure; I’ll have to investigate further.

The crew let me out of the irons and, as a result, I’m writing this with my toes.

Sunday – The Next Week

I had a most unfortunate accident. I stabbed my foot with the quill I was using and fell down. I couldn’t move my leg for a whole week and the crew didn’t seem to see me once I was covered in a thick coat of pitch; I’m not sure where the pitch came from but it must have rained. I was lucky to escape when a shiphand tripped over me in the dead of night.

Monday

Had nuts for lunch; they tasted fishy.

Tuesday

We’re due to dock on New Maraqua tomorrow evening; I hope they have a dry place for me to sleep and some water to wash up with.

Wednesday

I have been exposed to a large quantity of dangerous toxins which, I am told, will fuddle my mind. I have not yet felt any effects but the crew members look worried by this turn of events. I think they really care for my health and wellbeing and I love them all for that.

I was forced to swab the decks.

Thursday

There appears to be no damage done by the dangerous toxins and I put it down to my good health prior to exposure. One of the sailors, a most in-your-face Lupe, has caught a cold and he is hanging around with me a lot, I think he’s lonely and I am the only one who seems to care as the others are trying to make his illness worse, poor fellow.

Friday

I saw a wonderful green cloud! Fancy that, huh? I asked one of the crew and he said that it was merely the water reflecting its own colour back up to the clouds. He didn’t seem too sure, though, but it sounds perfectly acceptable to me. The fellow had no confidence and he had to go below deck, leaving me alone up top as the cloud drew closer. I thought I heard a buzzing sound coming from it.

Thursday – Two Weeks Later

I had another accident. It seems that, while I was sleeping, I tied myself to the ship's anchor and then walked ten meters, dragging the anchor along the deck before turning the huge wheel that let the anchor drop and then threw myself overboard. I woke up to find myself falling off the side of the deck with four crewmen leaning over the rails. I got stuck on the prow’s statue and they had to lift me back up again; apparently the four had tried to stop my sleepwalking rampage but I was just too strong for them.

Friday

I have made a shocking discovery. I never got to see New Maraqua! I just hadn’t thought about it till now but I strangely have no memory of this.

Also, on a different subject, there is a fish that, when eaten, will destroy your brain! I think I ate some but my brain is so big that only a huge one could eat all of it.

Sunday

We arrived at Mystery Island and the hooded shipmaster inducted me into a private club. The initiation consisted of me being tied up and carried to the native’s fires. They put vegetables all around me and covered me in something that tasted a little like barbeque sauce before putting me on the fire. They sang and danced and I tried to sing along but I got spittle everywhere and the fires all went out. I am so proud to be a member of this club.

Monday

The captain has asked me to dine with him this evening on the poop deck. I’m not sure what the poop deck is but I sure hope we’re not expected to eat it.

Tuesday

Last night I saw the captain’s face finally. The old Jetsam had some pretty earrings and a really nice eye accessory that he was rather reluctant to talk about. He’s also got a wooden leg, something I never noticed before and that might have explained the squawk-like human voices I heard.

Wednesday

We’ve docked in the harbour at Krawk Island and I saw the crew unloading lots of fluttering, squawking green things, they look like flying turtles. The captain’s hook hand got in the way of his work so I asked him why he didn’t just take it off. He looked away for a while and when he turned back he was as red as a carrot and his eyes were narrowed; I think he was sad.

Thursday

I have found the perfect place to conduct my research. It's a little shop off the main thoroughfare of the island and it has everything I need. I’m going to start work right now.

Saturday

I have now discovered everything I can and I have made my choice. It is a large green leather one that is both water and pirate proof and it comes with a Do-it-yourself desert proofing manual. I think my research has concluded well and my new travel case should make an excellent edition to my other expositional materials. The NT Destroyer is leaving today to take me home.

Sunday

I’m back on the ship and we set sail late yesterday afternoon, but this morning I ran into a problem. One of the crewmen came into my cabin with a sword. I asked why and all he said was that it was ceremonial and the Destroyer’s tradition called for me to lie flat on the ground and close my eyes. I got suspicious of his intentions but when I endeavored to question him further, he grew angry and tried to lunge at me. I fell off my bed into my travel case and the lid fell shut and locked itself. I guess I will find out if it is water and pirate proof after all.

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If you have read these notes without the proper permission from authorized personnel or have acquired and read this file through devious, unlawful, or Bathazarish means, then you will not be caught because we’re too stupid for you. However, if you are as silly as the writer of these most secret and dangerous of files, then we have a slight chance to catch you, so start running now. A good place to hide is in the Lost Desert because this committee is from Terror Mountain and we can’t stand the heat there. You might also try the Smugglers Cave where all outcasts, misfits, bandits, pirates, grumples and Unis are always welcome.

The End