Caution: Quills may be sharp Circulation: 143,141,548 Issue: 299 | 6th day of Swimming, Y9
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Not as Cute as You'd Think, By a Concerned Neopet

by missunpopular


Fuzzles. They are not as popular as they used to be. In fact, some people do not even know what a Fuzzle is. You know what they are, right? Those fluffy little plushies with giant grins on their faces? The things your pet plays with and sometimes screams in terror over? The description for a normal fuzzle says, “Hello, I am a cute little Fuzzle. I want to be a friend” while an evil fuzzle’s says, “Hello, I am a cute Evil fuzzle. I want to take over the world *cough* I mean be your friend.” Either way, these fluffy creatures should not be regarded as merely cute little toys. Their true nature is dormant, and must be kept in mind.

I, the lovable Desert Shoyru Caleomi, decided to get to the bottom of this. I talked to the two people that seem to know a lot about Fuzzles, my older brother Brat and my owner, also called the Fuzzle Guard. Within moments, I realized that Brat knew nothing about Fuzzles at all. He has collected 25 of the silly things, but knows virtually nothing about them. Frustrated, I turned to my owner, Missunpopular, for some answers. I found her in our shop, Odds and Ends, and asked her if she would be willing to talk to me about the fuzzles. She gave me a dark look, but wiped her hands on her apron and said yes nonetheless. The following is the interview that she gave me:

Caleomi: So, fuzzles are cute toys, aren’t they?

Missunpopular: Not in the least. They are cute, yes, but toys? I just don’t think so.

Caleomi: Really? What do you think they are?

Missunpopular: I don’t think, I know they are beings bent on world domination.

Caleomi: World Domination, as in, they want to take over the world?

Missunpopular: Well, just Neopia for now. Maybe other places if they find out about them.

Caleomi: What makes you say that?

Missunpopular: Well, I have had some interesting encounters with them in Kreludor.

Caleomi: Oh, is that where you got the idea for your adventure story?

Missunpopular: For the most part, yes. Some of it I made up, but most of it happened at some point. Like the cookie thing; fuzzles really will go ka-boom if you give them that much sugar. Also, it’s not in the story, but getting toy fuzzles wet is what makes them animated! Sand or other dry things are the only things that will return them to their dormant state. So, it’s a good idea to hold onto some of the bottles of sand you get from Tiki Tack or from Tombola.

Caleomi: So, overall, what is your opinion about fuzzles?

Missunpopular: They are adorable, even the evil ones. But like I always say, never trust anything with a smile wider than a Smiley’s. That means it’s probably up to no good. Other than that, though, they are great little things to collect and respect. But, for Samrin’s sake, don’t call them plushies; they hate that!

Caleomi: Thanks, Missunpopular, you have helped me greatly.

Missunpopular: *laughs-* Oh Caleomi, you’re so cute when you’re serious. Don’t forget, dinner is at 6 tonight, okay?

Caleomi: Yes ma’am.

Well. After that enlightening interview, I decided to go visit Harusame Gallery, where Brat keeps his fuzzle collection. I looked at each of the plushies- er, toys- and wondered why anyone would want them anyway. Yes, they are cute and fuzzy, but that is it. They don’t do anything but sit there. This was very mysterious to me. Perhaps the fuzzles could make people want them with some sort of magic or charm that I just didn’t get. Perhaps talking to Brat again would shed some light on the subject.

After downing a Neocola, I went back to the house to find Brat. Icy told me he had went to the Merry-Go-Round with a few of his faerie friends, so I set off for the ride as well. When I arrived, however, he was nowhere to be found. The dude running the ride said that a group of faerie pets had come and gone about ten minutes before. I asked him if he knew where they went, and he said that they had headed out toward Mystery Island. Without further ado, I thanked the guy and set off for the Island. Again, Brat and his friends were nowhere to be found. This was getting downright ridiculous. A moment later, as I investigated the Tiki Tack store, a paper airplane neomail hit me in the nose. It was from Brat! It said his friends had gone home, and so had he; it also said that he was waiting for me to get home since I showed interest in talking to him. Quick as a Lupe, I rushed home.

When I got there, I found Brat in my office, cardboard desk and all. It was time to be serious. “Brat, I have a few more questions for you.”

Brat snickered. “Well, what is it now? You want to know what I feed my fuzzles? Or maybe what colors they come in? Perhaps why some are evil and others not?” He continued laughing.

I gave him my best serious glare, and answered, “No. I want to know why you, a rich neopet that can afford all the books and toys in Neopia, like fuzzles to begin with.”

Brat stared at me and pondered the question. Minutes rolled by, with no response from him.

I waited as patiently as I could, but after 15 minutes I could not stand it any longer. “Oh come on, Brat! Why? Why do you collect fuzzles? Just tell me already!”

He looked at me with clouded eyes. “Actually,” he said, “I don’t really know why I collect them. Mom got me some a long time ago, but Dr. Sloth zapped them into sludge. So, she stuffed all the valuables into the SDB. He zapped all of them, which was really rude, I think. Just recently she got me another one, and a bunch of her friends gave me some because they knew she and I both like them. But why? Can’t really say. Guess it’s just their friendly façade that gets us. Goodness knows they aren’t the most exciting toy on the market.” With that, Brat finished speaking, but continued to look as if he were pondering the question. It seemed to baffle him that he could not pinpoint a reason for liking fuzzles.

Completely confused now, I decided to talk to someone other than my relatives. Maybe someone else could shed some light on the subject. I fluttered my wings on over to the Plushie Palace to talk to its owner, a blond haired, um, lady. “Excuse me, ma’am. May I ask you a few questions about fuzzles?”

The shopkeeper bustled over in my direction. “Oh, you want to buy one, honey? I have a blue one right here, only 180 neopoints!”

I cleared my throat, and tried again. “Um, no thanks. I was just wondering where you got the fuzzles from? They don’t seem to be based on any neopet or petpet I have ever seen…” I trailed off as the shopkeeper opened her mouth to speak.

“Well, darling, if you don’t want to buy one, I can’t really help you right now. I’m kind of busy!” She pointed to the massive crowd of people filling the store, haggling and buying plushies like it was the Igloo Garage Sale.

“Okay then. Thanks.” I walked out of the Plushie Palace, letting the door swing shut behind me. “Hmmmm,” I thought. “Brat doesn’t know why he likes them. Mom gets them, but knows of their danger. Wait a minute, why would she buy them if she thinks they are dangerous?” I ran back to our shop to ask her why.

“Dangerous? I never said they were dangerous, sweetie. I merely said that they want to take over the world.” My owner smiled down at me as she put bottles on sand on the shelf.

“So, why do you collect them, despite knowing that they want to take over?”

She laughed lightly, and took my hand. “Follow me; I think it’s time you see this.” We walked to the gallery, but we didn’t stop there. She walked right up to the wall beside the fuzzles, pushed a button, and led us into a hidden room! The inside of the room nearly made me faint with shock. Fuzzle stuff, everywhere. Fuzzle coins, fuzzle pictures, fuzzle furniture; you name it, it was fuzzle-themed and there.

“B-but why?” I stammered.

Missunpopular laughed. “Well, sweetie, I am the Fuzzle Guard. That is the title the fuzzles gave me. That means that they will never ever harm me or any of my friends and family. In return, I help them out by getting them out of stores and from other people that don’t understand them. People give them to me because they know I can understand them. And also because when the fuzzles are gone, weird things happen less often in their homes.”

I stared at my owner. “That’s it? You collect them to help other people?”

She laughed. “Well, no. I like them. They might be bent on world domination, but that’s okay. Isn’t everyone?” Her laughter after that comment made me think of Dr. Sloth. I thanked her, and edged out of the room.

Fuzzles. They aren’t as popular as they used to be. Apparently because they scare neopets and drive owners wacky with their ability to make weird things happen. After all my hard work and research, I have come up with one real truth: my mom and brother are completely ridiculous. This is Caleomi, over and out. Next time, I will be looking into the mystery of Usukis. Why do people like those things anyway?

Disclaimer: Nothing in this article is meant to be taken seriously. If you have fuzzles, it is highly unlikely that they will become animate or anything like that. If, however, any of your fuzzles begin talking or floating, please contact me immediately!!! I would love to be right about something for once.

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