So You Want To Be A Thief: The Burden Begins

Well, you’ve clicked the right article. But if you answered ‘no’ to more than two of these questions listed above, I’m afraid you haven’t, and I advise you to hit the ‘back’ button. Unless, of course, you’re willing to stick around, that is.

Very well, welcome to the basic course to Kat’s step-by-step guide to becoming a perfect thief and entering the Thieves’ Guild. Ironically, a goody-goody wrote this guide, only compiling all she knows and all she got from the world of thieves. Now, without further delay or ado, the article begin-eth!

STEP ONE: DRESS FOR SUCCESS

Yeah, the first thing to do if you want to be a thief is to look the part. Most great thieves wear long cloaks of dark blue or black, or tenebrous hues, to camouflage or blend in the shadows. If you’re a female thief and your specialty is jewelry, make like Masila and wear your treasure. Show off your work, just like that. If your specialty is brute force and picking on the weak and helpless, you could just wear a loincloth and show off your huge biceps in a threat. On the whole, shady stuff is a very good choice for a thief’s outer covering. Just don’t forget the hood, long cloak and a rope around your waist if the cloak is too loose.

Of course, if stealth and/or shadows are not your strength, then slightly brighter stuff is OK. Just not too bright, because thieves must learn how to blend in with crowds, if not shadows, as they do their dirty work. Look as normal as possible so that no one will suspect anything. If you’re quite uh…popular, a disguise will top it all off. Make sure it’s not “transparent” though, or else people will know right away it’s you, and you’ll be shipped off to the stony lonesome before you finish my thieving course!

Did I mention that if you disguise yourself as a different individual, you are able to commit all the thieveries you want and blame it on the guy or gal you’re impersonating? That’s a nifty trick, eh? Of course, be sure that you pull it off nicely or else everyone will start suspecting something fishy.

STEP TWO: LEARN TO BLEND

Now that you’ve suited up and you’re dressed for the occasion, you must learn how to either mix with the shadows, or mingle with the busy, oblivious crowd. I mean, what’s the use of cool disguises or high-quality clothes if you can’t use them to the best of your ability, hmm?

Anyway, if you’re with the shadows-and-stealth style, when you do your spying and stuff, it’s highly advisable to move as little as possible. Some possible victims have sharp eyes and can see the slightest movement in some dark alley. Move only when needed.

As you mingle across the sea of busy individuals who know not the danger you pose, act as normal as possible. Wear a smile, say hello to anyone you meet, and engage in a conversation or two. Learn to blend in and make sure to show them that you are not a threat…yet. Don’t bring up the subject of thievery, or else you may find yourself in a hard-to-explain situation. It’s best to stick to pleasant things, like the weather or the latest in the Neopian Times. That will be quite hard for a wannabe baddie like you, but trust me, once you learn how to blend and camouflage, this’ll be a piece of pie.

STEP THREE: CHOOSING UNWITTING VICTIMS

So you learned the fine art of mingling with either shadows or busy crowds. So you got yourself a cool costume. So you can’t wait to get out there and show everyone what a thief you are. Now, we move on to the last part of the basic course and get on with your victim. Some are good choices; the others are not. It all depends on how they look like, how they talk and what they smell like – I mean, how they move.

Anyway, the best victims for a beginner thief are those who are not even paying attention. Those who daydream, wander off into some place in their heads or are too busy yakking their mouths off are excellent choices, because they know not the danger and treachery they will soon be victims of. Individuals who unwittingly dangle their bags and money for you to snatch are a nice way to start. Of course, you also have to make sure no one’s looking at you, or at the individual you want to cause deliberate treachery to.

I mean, you find the perfect victim and snatch his/her goods…only to find out there are four hundred seventy-three thousand eight hundred and fifty witnesses staring at you, right? I thought so.

Next, when you’re the shadowy, shady type of thief, it’s always a good idea to also snatch up the stuff of unwary people who wander amidst your realm. Either they’re too busy making sure they aren’t harmed, or too busy looking around some weird area that seems worth exploring, so the goods are free to be snapped up by a clever young thief like you.

Now, there you have it…Kat’s beginning guide to thievery, stealing and…uh…the stuff in between! Remember, all the great thieves had their own humble beginnings as well, so don’t be shy! Soon you’ll work your way up and become feared in the world of goody-goodies, and renowned in the realm of all those really good…baddies!

Hang on…something’s tickling my side…quit it! [Looks at her side warily] HEY! I know you’re supposed to practice, but don’t start on me, okay? Now get out of here and look for some real victims, or else I’ll…where did you go?

Oh well, this is Kat, signing off, after one of her cheesy, corny articles. If you’ll excuse me I’ll go raid the Thieves’ Guild for more stuff to dig up.