Caution: Quills may be sharp Circulation: 138,002,725 Issue: 286 | 6th day of Eating, Y9
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Sand Balls

by goosher


Also by extreme_fj0rd

Sun. Sand. Surf. Alliteration. Sorry.

     The sun gently shone upon the shore, its light and warmth caressing and tickling my fur. I wore some cool sunglasses, hiding my lids from harmful... rays, of some kind. The surf broke a mere few feet away, and the salty air breathed on my legs.

     Perfect... boring! I needed some action!

     I stood up, shook off any sand that might have been lingering in my fur. I retracted my cool Kougra claws, double checked my lightning-streaked fur for sand, and strolled along the beach, while my owner was off searching the Deserted Tomb. Then, as I saw some sand balls, I got the perfect idea: Sand balls! How am I this creative?

     I quickly scooped up some sand and fashioned it into a crudely shaped ball. It crumbled, as did I. Emotionally, I mean. After I was finished sobbing, I decided to try again.

     I carefully scooped up some sand, packed it in so it was nice and tight, and sculpted it into an orb. It crumbled, as did I.

     “Why does nothing go my way?” I shouted to the heavens, ignoring the Lab Map piece that had floated down by my feet. I stormed down the beach, determined to find some sand that wouldn’t crumble, when I came upon the most ironic of ironies: The café nearby was serving PEACH CRUMBLE!

     Stop it! I told myself, frowning. I must stop being so shocked by signs in cafes! I braced myself, resumed my perfect Electric Kougra posture, and sauntered along the beach, my eyes darting slyly, searching for the perfect sand.

     “THERE!” I screeched, pointing and gesturing wildly at a spot on the sand. For there, amidst pointless things like Rarity 99 shells and Paint Brushes were...

     “SAND BALLS!”

     I greedily (not really, I’m flawless) leapt onto the patch of damp sand and started shaping an invariable army of sand balls. I relished the squishy wet dirt between my paws, absorbed everything I could about the sand. I made sand snowmen, sand castles, sand dollars, sand petpets, sand slushies, and so much more. I moulded and squashed and packed and poked and everything in between.

     Soon I had created a scale model of Neopia. I gently examined Sand Mystery Island. Squinting, I gently carved an X on Sand Mystery Island’s beach, right were I would be. Proud of my handiwork, I stood up to admire the sand.


     I gasped in genuine confusion. There was something on my face. That something had not been there before. It had reached my face with force. I had been hit by the something. But there was no way sand would hit me with itself. Slowly, the conclusion dawned on me.


     I was answered with an evil snicker. I softly wiped the sand off my handsome face and turned to face my malicious attacker. The ferocious sand-baller who had actually hit me with a sand ball!

     A small Kacheek, coated in sunscreen, was giggling maniacally at me! The horrible fiend, the meanie, the bully, had thrown a sand ball and was making another.

     This meant war.

     I valiantly scooped up a chunk of sand and flung it at my attacker. It smashed into his face. Success! The battle was on.

     Across the beach sand balls flew. He pegged me in the ear, but I returned with a shot in the back. The battle was fraught with effort and strategy. Kougra versus Kacheek. Antagonist versus victim. Good versus evil, if you boiled it right down! Sand flung in the heated epic battle as I fought ferociously on. I leaned back, sand in hand, and flung.

     It flew across the sky in slow motion, hanging in the air, and then finally landed, hitting--

     Not my opponent, but a sunbathing Blumaroo's prized pink Weewoo plushie. The blue Blumaroo rose, sliding off sunglasses, and stared at me, but I stared him down with my famous Electric Kougra eyes. He looked away.

     But he would not be defeated so easily! No. If there is anything I know it is that villains always come back in the sequel. The sunbather turned and plucked a coconut off a tree.

     He flung it at me with grace and poise. The Kacheek threw a sand ball at the same moment. They crashed together and then fell to the sand at my feet.

     I looked at one and then at the other, and like a brave Electric Kougra I made my retreat.


     But that did not stop this maniacal, villainous, nutsy Blumaroo. He ripped poor little coconuts from their homes and hurled them at me, as I retreated down the beach.


     I had no idea as to what he was talking about. I was walking--retreating--down the beach. And if I happened to sprint to avoid an evil crab, that wasn't running. Perish the thought.

     I noticed, after conducting a surveillance, that the crazy Blumaroo was still rampaging around the beach, throwing coconuts. I pursed my lips in a thoughtful, mature kind of way. Something had to be done. But not by me, of course. That could be fatal.

     For I was clearly too handsome for the world to lose so early. I struck a pose while contemplating who I could call upon for assistance--

     --and a coconut whizzed past, narrowly missing my head. I decided then that Jhuidah was clearly the best authority to call upon in a situation such as this. After all, she was a Faerie, and while Electric Kougras are clearly more fit for handling pure evil, the Blumaroo archfiend was still lobbing coconuts across the beach at me and I could not risk my fur getting mussed up.

     After applying some mousse, combing my fur, stopping to get a smoothie, and writing the next chapter of my autobiography, I strolled at a leisurely pace towards the cooking pot.

     Jhuidah stood there, slowly stirring a simmering concoction. I shoved her out of the way-- that smelled good. I delicately slurped the delicious potion, then gulped, then, while still being amazingly polite, jumped into the pot.

     "MMMMMMM!" I complimented, drinking more soup.

     "What are you doing?!" Jhuidah shouted at me. I climbed politely out of the pot, because there was no soup left.

     "There's a maniac chasing me!" I shouted back, suddenly recalling the Blumaroo. A moment later, he burst out of the forest. Now that's timing.

     "Chasing you?" Jhuidah said.

     "Yes, chasing me!" I didn't see why she needed confirmation. After all, he was right there, running at me and hoisting a coconut. How much more plain can you make it? Some people!

     "Who is?" she asked.

     At this point in time I would like to point out the hindered cranial capacity of Jhuidah the Island Faerie. Despite being told that I was being chased; despite seeing the chasee; despite me saying that that's THE GUY WHO'S CHASING ME, she still can't figure it out.

     We now return to our original broadcast.

     "The maniac!" I screamed. Which gave the Blumaroo enough time to throw the coconut. It missed. It went closer to Jhuidah, but it didn't hit her either. But she wasn't waiting around for him to throw another one. Instead she ran off, screaming. Some people.

     The Blumaroo and I faced off, staring each other down. His eyes burned with the flame of hatred, and the fire of enmity crackled in mine, too. He reached for another coconut, but there weren't any.

     "Ha!" I laughed. "Ha! Ha! Ha!" Victory at last. Sweet triumph. I gloated. I grinned. I did my special dance of triumph and victory.

     He stared at me. He was clearly envious of my triumph. And of my dance, which is quite good, if I do say so myself.

     I stopped the choreography when he picked up a rock. Rocks are harder than coconuts, you see, and doubly as painful. So, I did what any sensible Kougra would do: I tipped over the Soup Pot on him.

     "Soup's on!" I called wittily, amazed by my own wit. I wittily scampered from the clearing, wittily calling for help. All while being witty.

     The Blumaroo did not seem to be appreciative of my wit. He blundered around, the Soup Pot still over him, making muffled noises.

     Jhuidah appeared out of nowhere and stared at the Soup-Potted Blumaroo. "What have you done?" she shrieked at me, and tipped the Soup Pot off of him. Pausing only to lick some soup off his fur, the Blumaroo ran at me.

     Jhuidah, the maniac, started running at me too. I calmly took out the schedule for the Mystery Island - Neopia Central ferry and studied it.

     "Oh no!" I cried. "I'm late for my ferry!" With which pronouncement I took to running as well.

     The ferry was moving away from the dock as I came out of the trees. The wind rippled through my fur as I ran in slow-motion. I leaped off the end of the dock, flew through the air as sweetly as any Weewoo, and landed on the ferry just as it moved another inch away, making that five inches between it and the dock.

     The Blumaroo, coming to a halt at the edge of the beach with Jhuidah, finally remembered to throw his rock. It splashed into the water behind the boat.

     With the utmost dignity, I raised my head and stuck my tongue out at them. Then I turned back around and headed for the beach chairs laid out on the deck of the ferry. Settling into one, I let out a sigh of pure comfort. It had been, in many ways, just another perfect day in my perfect life.

The End

The authors would like to thank Zari (_ember_star_) for her sugar crazed babble. You are inspirational when you've had too much sugar, and we appreciate that.

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