Discovering the Denizens of the Deep

My name is Professor SQ. My real name is Squidillo, but people had a tendency of shortening that to ‘Squi’, then mispronouncing it as ‘squee’, which is a noise made by obsessed fangirls and is not a proper name to be associated with a person of my academic excellence.

I have lived for years in this laboratory, making occasional trips out in a submarine, to study squid. Yes, you heard me correctly—squid, the eight-armed, two-tentacled marvels that inhabit the deepest, darkest waters of Neopia. There are many different types of squid that can be found in our oceans. They range from tiny to enormous, and their diets are as of yet mostly unknown. They are part of our own diets, and are actually a rare delicacy in some places. There are many items named after the squid of Neopia and many tales written about these magnificent creatures.

But I’m sure that’s not what you’re here to learn about. Please direct your attention to the projection screen, and I will talk to you about squid—their whereabouts, their uses in culinary activities, and basic squid survival tips.

Squid: What and where in the world?

There are five living, breathing types of squid that can be found in Neopia. First you have the basic black Squid. Not very exciting, a little slimy, but otherwise, it is nothing out of the ordinary. This is the most common Squid; it has black skin and a yellow eye.

Next is a rather interesting specimen, with an oxymoronic name—no, it is not moronic, it is oxymoronic. If you cannot restrain yourself from immature displays, please leave, or I shall stick my tongue out at you and throw you out. The Small Giant Squid is smaller than the Large Giant Squid, but just how can a giant squid be small? It shall always, I suppose, remain one of the greatest mysteries of life. Another mystery is how this squid survives. It is bright pink, with a pale pink underbelly and small yellow eyes. It’s like a Fire Neopet hiding in the snow—how does this squid, which absolutely fails at camouflage, survive? In the future, I shall be conducting more research upon its defense mechanisms.

The older cousin of the Small Giant Squid is, predictably, the Large Giant Squid. This is perhaps the most common squid, along with its smaller cousin, in Neopia. Sailors have told tales of seeing Large Giant Squids everywhere. They are easy to spot, but their bright red hue warns away predators. They have green eyes. I myself have run into several Large Giant Squids. They were very appreciative of my work, seeming to be quite amused and playful, especially with my boat, and enjoyed my screaming like a girl, which I did solely for their benefit. If you do not stop that uncouth snickering, sir, I will fry you, paperwork or not.

The even older cousin of both aforementioned Giant Squid is the GIANT Giant Squid. I feel sorry for the squid, because they are not very originally named. But I digress. This Giant, Giant Squid is extremely large, and very temperamental. It is brown in color, with a pale underbelly, and also has green eyes. Because of its muddy color, I suspect that it lies on the seafloor, waiting for unsuspecting passers-by to come along so it can either devour them or poke them repeatedly, depending on what kind of a mood it is in. I personally think both experiences would be exhilarating.

Finally, we have come to the Squid that is the most feared, and most respected, in Neopia. The Titanic Giant Squid. This squid can be longer in length than the height of a building! It’s not your friendly next-door squid, oh no. This terrible and magnificent creature of the deep lives far, far down in the deepest parts of the ocean and is rarely seen. As far as I know, from my limited observations and few sightings of Titanic Giant Squid, this squid has a dark crimson coloring and a pale gold eye. It doesn’t actually need camouflage because it can crush anything in its path with its powerful tentacles. If you see a Titanic Giant Squid, and you are not immediately smashed into smithereens, drowned, or eaten, I would request that you notify me immediately so I may converse with the mighty sea beast.

Eating Squid

Naturally, squid are edible. However, about 75 percent of the Neopian population dislikes squid. I myself can’t say why—squid has a distinct flavor and is very tasty, though a little slimy.

Of course you can eat any of the five basic squid; of course, eating a Titanic Giant Squid (much less catching one) could cause some... problems. As you can see by this chart, the most-consumed basic squid is the black, regular Squid. If your pet’s stomach can handle it, it can be the rarest of delicacies.

However, I will suggest some food items that contain squid or are modeled after squid, and which may tempt you to try this underwater treat. First up is one of my favorites, the Squirming Squid Pastry. This tantalizing baked good consists of—there is a diagram on this slide—a dozen perfectly prepared squid, rolled in sauce and squished into a thin, flaky crust. It’s so good, the food is even squirming in anticipation! (Excuse me, ma’am, but I would ask that you not upchuck on the floor. Not only is it most unbecoming, but I just had the carpet cleaned. There is a sink down the hall.)

Now, where was I?

Ah, yes. Moving on from the Squirming Squid Pastry, we have the Catsup Caramel Squid Delight. The name itself rings in your mouth, just as the taste remains their long afterwards. This supposedly ‘Gross’ Food is actually quite delicious and exotic. The name is even fun to say. Catsup Caramel. Doesn’t it just roll off your tongue? ...I resent that comment, sir. It does not roll off your tongue as you eat it. If you cannot bring your mind to wrap around such delicacies as gourmet food, you may remove yourself from my presence.

For a little more alliteration, to make the eaters of squid sound even more intellectual (a very hard feat in my case, if I do say so myself), there is the ‘Slithering Squid Surprise’ and even a ‘Squid on a Stick’. The Slithering Squid Surprise, one of my personal favorites, including violet tentacles that twist and wriggle deliciously as you eat them, is aptly classified as a gourmet food. See, Squid can even be gourmet. I bet you can’t be a gourmet food! And Squid on a Stick. Everybody likes things that are on a stick—someday, Squid on a Stick may even become more popular than that silly Fish on a Stick. Who wants fish when you can have squid? No, that was a rhetorical question; you can all put your hands down.

These foods can be found in numerous places, the most common being the Old Fishing Vortex in the ruins of Old Maraqua. I have found many a squid there. Also, the Slithering Squid Surprise and Squid on a Stick may both be found at the Golden Dubloon, on Krawk Island. They appreciate squid on Krawk Island, please take note. Some people have told me that squid and squid foods can be found on the Money Tree, but I think that is silly. As if a Titanic Giant Squid would fit on the Money Tree.

Squid Safety 101

As magnificent as squid may be, they can also be extremely dangerous. Squid are playful, but some are also of massive size (Ex: The Titanic Giant Squid), and like many other large but playful things, such as pine trees, volcanoes, and the Snowager, squid can cause harm, even with the best intentions in the world. It is best to practice caution around large squid, including the Titanic Giant Squid, the Giant Giant Squid, and the Large Giant Squid. (In some cases, the temperamental Small Giant Squid is also a good one to avoid.)

The best way to prevent squid-related injuries is to simply avoid any time in which you may run afoul of a hungry, angry, or depressed squid. This means taking ship rides with other people, not diving deep into the ocean (who would want to do that, anyway?) and trying to avoid fishing up a Titanic Giant Squid onto the dock at the Ol’ Fishing Vortex. I’m surprised that dock’s still there... much less that bait shop.

In case you do run into a large squid, don’t panic. Save your available weapons and only use them if force is necessary. If the squid does not listen to reason, I would suggest you run or fly away. If you are out in the water, pretend you are a floating piece of wreckage and the squid will most likely poke you curiously before departing.

I will conclude my presentation with thanking you all... well, most of you, for your attention and your time. Return to my laboratory at any time, but please make an appointment first. I hope you have learned some valuable information about squid today, and how they are truly wonderful, misunderstood creatures of the deep. I’m off to brush my teeth with my Squidtoothbrushfish, which, by the way, has 150 guaranteed uses, isn’t it marvelous? Now, be off with you all!

...please stop feigning sleep and drooling on my floors. It is rather undignified.