Sanity is forbidden Circulation: 127,792,023 Issue: 260 | 6th day of Collecting, Y8
Home | Archives Articles | Editorial | Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series

A Rash Response to the Petpetpet?

by wookie_bear


A Call for an End to Rash Responses to the Petpetpet

With the shocking introduction of Itchy Invasion into the gaming world of Neopia, I would like to suggest that perhaps we should all take the time to look at exactly what it is that we are shooting with that Pest B-Gone Ammunition.

Are they pests? Are they Petpet companions with an unfortunate and itchy side effect? Or are they tiny little creatures from a far off world in the Neopian galaxy brought to Neopia to observe its inhabitants, eventually leading up to world domination, ruling with a firm, yet tiny hand?

Perhaps that is a question we will never really know the answer to. Llandiddlier the Vacana claims to have heard his Jermite (Llandiddliest) muttering something about the dearth stair not being fully operational. I have no idea what that means and Llandiddlier is known to have a very active imagination.

Regardless of their origin, the question remains regarding what their rights should be. Is it really acceptable to be blasting them with green goo? A decision needs to be made regarding whether they are the friend or foe of the petpet. How many hours have been spent by the dedicated Neopian refreshing their inventory page trying desperately to get that petpetpet they have just purchased attached to their petpet? Yet with all the time and money spent on this strangest of past times, we are now condemning them to death by goo.

This sudden and "rash" response to the itchy effect of the petpetpet is understandable. We do, after all, love our petpets and hate to think of them being uncomfortable. Unfortunate side effects of petpetpet inhabitation can be whining, scratching and running around in circles; to allow petpets to endure this discomfort seems cruel. The solution to the petpetpet dilemma is therefore unclear. However, I do have a suggestion of several steps that can be taken to prevent the situation reaching a stage where the only solution is the purchase of the Slime Gun loaded up with a full round of gooey ammunition.

1. The Petpetpet Circus - Yes, my friends, the first suggestion is the creation of a Petpetpet circus. But how can this be possible, I hear you ask. Well, firstly, using a pocket magnifying glass and some tweezers, catch the petpetpet. This can take some time and a little bit of skill. If all else fails, pop some Jub Zambra and the Cobrall Charmers on and observe the paralysing effect it seems to have on them. In the meantime, ask your pet to design exciting and thrilling stunts and tricks for the petpetpet to perform. Place the props for these stunts in a large glass tank, followed quickly by the little critter himself. After a year or two of training, he will be able to perform death-defying feats. Imagine the sight of a Cooty jumping through a hoop of fire or a Skidget walking the tightrope of terror!

The advantages of the petpetpet circus extend to all involved. The petpetpet is an attention loving creature and will love the adoration it receives, and not only can you rid your Petpet of an itch it just can't scratch, but you also get a wonderful new hobby... Petpetpet training. Think of the books you can write. Perhaps, if word spreads, then Neopians from far and wide will flock to see them perform. Think of the fame!

2. Of course the life of a Petpetpet circus trainer is not for everyone. I, for one, have a fear of clowns and even the Mootix looks pretty terrifying when wearing a red nose and a funny bow. It was during a dark and stormy night that the solution to my Petpetpet woes hit me. A Petpetpet army, of course! I know what you're thinking. Those little guys are weak. What good could they be in a battle? My answer to you would be to observe the behaviour of a group of Petpetpets around any sugary substance. Pop a gummy slorg on the floor near you and wait. Within minutes there will be a swarm of Petpetpets covering the gummy slorg, a wriggling mass of legs and arms and most importantly... teeth. In five seconds flat that gummy will be no more than a distant memory. Now imagine one of Sloth's minions coming towards you. Terrifying, yes? All you have to do is throw some melted gummies his way and call your Petpetpet army into action. Within seconds he will be covered, and just like that gummy, he will soon be no more. Hurrah! Everyone is saved.

3. The final solution to the Petpetpet dilemma is perhaps the most simple, and that is to encourage your Petpet to bond with their Petpetpet and show it the error of its ways. A close and caring relationship can rid most Petpetpets of the need to bite/ scratch/ generally torment its owner. This approach requires patience. Look at the Petpetpet's bad behaviour and what triggers it. Make sure no naughty actions are rewarded and instead reward the Petpetpet when it does something good (this does happen on occasion). A tasty little sweet or piece of cake act as perfect rewards and soon your Petpetpet will learn that biting is not nice and that a much better way of treating its owner is to play nice.

To achieve Petpetpet harmony in your life, it is very important to understand the little guy or girl inside out. What makes them happy or sad? What is their favourite hobby? What is their life's ambition? Once you know this, the bonding will begin. Each and every petpetpet is different. They may be ever so tiny and easy to stand on, but that doesn't mean they are not individuals. However, here are some examples of Petpetpet breed characteristics that may help you to begin the bonding process:

Aboogala - This little fellow lives to climb and will generally be found at the highest point of your Petpet. Research suggests that they are happiest when able to watch the world below from a great height. A simple platform placed in the topmost corner of the room will provide the Aboogala with exactly what it needs and will prevent its unfortunate habit of climbing up your Petpet's nose.

Blechy - A very careful diet is needed in order to create a happy and healthy Blechy. This Petpetpet's eyes are definitely bigger than its stomach and it will eat anything in sight. An unfortunate side effect of this is that most food will come straight back up again. Ugh. They do, however, appear to thrive on poisonous jelly. Mould the jelly into different shapes to add some excitement into their lives. I would love to be able to tell you where you can get this jelly from but unfortunately I can't. It doesn't exist. *shifty eyes*

Breebly, Cooty and Mootix - The sole motivation of all of these breeds of Petpetpets is simple. They love to dance. No one knows how or why but if you play them some tunes, any urge to bite or itch their owners vanishes and the dancing begins. They all prefer different types of music, so some trial and error is needed here.

Fleaf - The fleaf has one major problem. It feels insecure. Too often cast aside as being nothing more than a leaf, the Fleaf will take out its anger in the nearest petpet to it. Simple attention and recognition that it is more than a leaf is all that is needed to solve any problems in behaviour.

Grumblebug - The Grumblebug feels like no one ever listens to it. Solve this problem by sitting down for a few minutes every day and listening to its grumbles. Once it has told you about the woes of its day, peace will ensue.

Skidget - This petpetpet loves to jump. Unfortunately its squishy little body means it is often unable to. By carefully placing springs throughout your Neohome you will be allowing the Skidget to achieve its dream and its unhappiness at its lack of bounce will no longer be taken out on your petpet's ankles.

These are the species I have worked with. However, further research is needed to uncover the mysteries of the petpetpet. One thing is for certain, that they are misunderstood and full of confusion about their role in life. Teach them another way, be it through acrobatic training, army discipline or simply love and understanding and they may surprise you.

So I urge you please... put down that goo and spare the petpetpet. You may just find a life long companionship is formed.

Search the Neopian Times

Great stories!


"It looks like your Shoyru has a bad case of Neogitus."

by maiinoki


Ow! That hurt!!

by puppyluverz


The Right Kind of Family
During the course of three days, my little sister, Kell, or Kelly to call her by her full name, had ripped the head off of my Jeran plushie, eaten my secret collection of chocolate Jerans, stolen all my Neopoints which I was saving up for more Jeran stuff and spent it on Usukis. Who wouldn't want revenge?

by _ducky_dude__


Kadoatie Pinata?
What's that bat for?!

Art by xxdemexx

by amit_oryan

Submit your stories, articles, and comics using the new submission form.