Sanity is forbidden Circulation: 130,067,293 Issue: 259 | 29th day of Gathering, Y8
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The Truth about Neopoints

by plasmashadow


There are conspiracies all over Neopia, if you know where to look. What I am going to tell you today is one of the many idiosyncrasies of Neopian life. This, however, is one of the most fundamental, and it affects every Neopian everywhere. Brace yourself as this may come as a shock to many of you. Neopoints do not exist!

Are you confused, shocked, or unconvinced? You certainly should be. To all you naysayers out there, I have uncovered evidence that Neopoints do not exist. First, however, allow me to clarify. Neopoints exist as a concept, but they do not exist in substance. You may own Neopoints, but you cannot actually see them, hold them, touch them, throw them, or anything else one would normally be able to do with something of substance. In other words, they are nothing more than a number.

I, like many of you, play all sorts of games for Neopoints. Whether I'm solving the Library Faerie's crossword puzzle, collecting neggs in Meerca Chase II, or spinning the Wheel of Excitement, I would try to get as many Neopoints as I could. However, the troubling thing is that whenever I won Neopoints, nobody gave them to me. I was sort of told I've won a certain amount, and how many I have now. A while back, I won 10000 Neopoints from the Wheel of Excitement. However, the light faerie who runs the game never gave it to me. I just stood there and she told me I had won. I didn't even give her anything to play. She somehow calculated how many Neopoints I had on me, and determined I had enough to play and deducted it from this supposed total. I never saw the Neopoints I gave her, and I never saw the Neopoints I supposedly won.

I suspected something was up, so I went to investigate further. I went to Tyrannia to have a go at the Wheel of Mediocrity. I managed to win 100 Neopoints on my spin. The bored Flotsam running the game then handed me a bag labeled "100." I figured that it must be filled with 100 individual Neopoints, and that I could actually see the elusive currency. However, to my dismay, I searched my inventory and found no bag. I could have sworn that the Flotsam gave me a bag of 100 Neopoints, but looking in my inventory, in my shop, in my gallery, in my safety deposit box, I found no trace of the Neopoints filled bag. I couldn't have lost it; I just had it, didn't I? I went back to the Flotsam who assured me that I had won 100 Neopoints, and that I was 50 Neopoints richer than when I spun the wheel. When I asked about the bag, his response was of complete indifference. "Who cares about the bag, it's the Neopoints that matter," he told me. I wasn't going to get any information out of this guy, so I decided to leave.

I then went to the bank to check on how many Neopoints I had total. The bank manager kindly provided this information and reminded me to collect my interest. I collected my interest for the day, and was about to walk out when something peculiar dawned on me. How is the bank giving me interest? They don't give out loans to anyone, so they can't make any Neopoints by collecting interest on outstanding loans. They don't make any Neopoints, yet for anyone with a bank account, they are willing to provide daily interest. Where does this interest come from? How can the bank give away Neopoints it doesn't have? There was something very fishy about this, but I couldn't figure it out.

Speaking of fishy, Galzorg and I decided to go to Maraqua for a relaxing hour of underwater fishing. Galzorg had some good luck that day. After reeling in the line, what was on the hook? A Bag of Broken Neopoints, or at least that's what the Maraquan Grarrl running the place told us. I opened it up and sure enough, there were a bunch of golden metal fragments inside. I was quite excited; if I could piece these pieces together, I could finally see what a Neopoint actually looks like. I took the bag and Galzorg and we rushed back to our house. I emptied the whole pile onto the ground and started sorting the pieces. I spent hours working on it, but in the end, I was no closer to forming a whole Neopoint than when I started. Galzorg seeing how frustrated I was told me that there was an old Bori named Donny who lived at the top of Terror Mountain. Donny apparently was known as quite skilled at repairing broken toys. Maybe he could help me put the broken Neopoints back together. With a glimmer of hope, I made the perilous trek up Terror Mountain.

I finally reached the summit after what seemed like forever and found a little house up at the top. I knocked on the door and was told to come in. It was indeed Donny's house. I asked him if he could repair my Bag of Broken Neopoints. He only responded, "Give me one o' yer broken toys, and some Neopoints, and I'll see if I can fix it fer ya!" I handed him the Bag of Broken Neopoints and he replied, "Yer sure ya want me to repair this thing? It'll cost ya 384 NP!" I agreed to this deal, and he went to work. I waited for him to finish. Finally, he looked up at me and said, "Ha! I told ye I could do it! Now begone, ye fur-bitin' good-fer-nothin' prawn." I stared at him, confused. He told me that I had received 1241 Neopoints. I was even more confused. "Where are my Neopoints?" I asked him. Getting cranky, as he wanted me gone, he just yelled at me, claiming I already have them. I asked him if he could give me back the bag that they came in and he just stared at me with the same stare I had given him earlier. He just repeated what he said earlier, that I had received 1241 Neopoints. This was too weird; it was making me upset. "Where is my bag of Neopoints?" I yelled at him. Again, he told me that I already had them. He didn't take kindly to me yelling at him, and showed me the door.

I stood there, on the top of Terror Mountain in the freezing cold, playing over the day in my head. Nothing seemed to add up. Just when I thought I was getting closer, I hit another dead end. Anyone I ask about these peculiar events looks at me as if I was crazy. "Maybe I am crazy," I thought to myself. Maybe I belong in a cell next to Number Five mumbling about Neopoints not existing or ranting about Jelly World. I then decided that a crazy person would never consider that they're crazy, and this must be a real phenomenon. I went home, but I couldn't get today's events off my mind.

Later, it dawned on me. I finally understood. Everything that happened today made sense. Neopoints didn't exist, they were just a number. When I collected interest from the bank, they merely added one number to another. Nothing actually occurred. They weren't giving me their Neopoints; they were creating brand new Neopoints. When I spun the Wheel of Excitement, the Light Faerie knew how much Neopoints I supposedly had, deducted 150 from that amount, and added 10000 brand new Neopoints. The 150 Neopoints no longer existed, but 10000 new Neopoints suddenly came into existence. When I spun the Wheel of Mediocrity, I never actually was given a bag of Neopoints. The Flotsam merely displayed a bag with a 100 on it claiming I won. Again, 100 new Neopoints were created, and the 50 I had were destroyed. And the Bag of Broken Neopoints? It was just a bag labeled NP with golden metal chunks inside. They weren't broken Neopoints at all. That's just what the Grarrl running the place told us. When I brought it to Donny, he never actually fixed anything. He kept the bag of golden metal chunks, sent it to the Maraquan Grarrl to be placed back in the fishing hole, and arbitrarily assigned me a Neopoints value that I had received. It was a huge conspiracy, a few Neopians are working in tandem to create, destroy, and manage every other Neopian citizen's Neopoints. The faeries, the bank, Donny, the Grarrl running the fishing hole, all of them cooperate to create a nonexistent currency. All the rest of us and even the shopkeepers are having the wool pulled over our eyes. The bank could give everyone a quadrillion Neopoints each day if they wanted to, as they can just debit our accounts, which don't actually exist. That's why the bank is not humongous. They don't need to store any physical Neopoints, because there's no such thing.

Now you understand as I do that we Neopians are being fooled. I have advice for you, however. I have discovered that the residents of Krawk Island don't use Neopoints. They use a currency called dubloons. I have seen dubloons, I have held dubloons, I have been given dubloons, I have given away dubloons, and I have stored dubloons in my safety deposit box. Dubloons are real currency. We need to switch away from Neopoints. Using money that doesn't exist is crazy. Dubloons are the way of the future. Take the power over Neopia out of the hands of the few and place it in the hands of the many. When our fortunes are tangible masses compared to irrelevant numbers, we can finally break away from those who try to control us with Neopoints.

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