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Cuddly Catastrophes

by pyrosquirrelx


Perhaps you will remember me from my work on The Asparagus Conspiracy. I have worked long and hard, with many paranoid glances over my shoulder and many plates of cookies, to bring to you research on another group of dastardly Neopets threatening to overturn our beloved world at any given point.

They're cute, they're cuddly, and they could mean the end of the world as we know it: the Chias.

Yeah, I'm sure we all know them as those little Neopets that rather resemble large blobs with arms, feet, and the occasional hair-like appendage on the top of their heads. But what are they really hiding behind those happy cutesy faces? Some of the most powerful Neopet minds in Neopia, plotting, planning, and waiting for their one chance to take over the Neopian world!

The first bit of evidence:

Those all-too-innocent Magical Chia Pops. Apple, Blueberry, Lemon... even Snowberry. According to those who have undergone mysterious transformations after consuming these pops, 'If you feed a Chia Pop to a Chia, a strange thing happens. The Chia may well change into a special fruity type of Chia'. A-ha! The Chias, in what may very well be their first step towards malicious domination, have demonstrated their skills in manufacturing potions, disguised as harmless foods that can change Neopets!

Supposedly, these magical pops only work on Chias. However, I'm positive that this is all part of the Chias' master plan. Many Neopets eat Chia Pops for enjoyment, as many of them are deemed 'non-magical'. But who would expect the Chias slowly changing the ingredients of the Chia Pops so that those so-called 'non-magical' Chia Pops begin to change? That instead of being delicious foods, the Chia Pops become weapons... weapons that will soon turn every Neopet who eats one, regardless of species, into a Chia!

The second piece of evidence:

The numerous Neopian games involving Chias. We've got Chia Bomber 2, Carnival of Terror, Feed Florg, Ice Cream Machine, and Jolly Jugglers! If we look closely at these games, we will realize that they give us invaluable insight into the world of the Chia, and the minds of these dangerous Neopets.

Chia Bomber 2 is a clear example of the aggressive tactics of Chias, and how they are often at war with each other, portrayed by the cannons wielded by both the star Chia and the Mud Chias. This proves that the Chias are quite warlike in nature and should be kept under a watchful eye. Jolly Jugglers involves two Chias sporting, once again, cannon-like weapons! Obviously the Chias have a great knowledge of weaponry.

The dreaded Carnival of Terror is one of the games at the Deserted Fairground, where none but the bravest souls venture in fear of the very Robot Chia Clowns that are the evil opponents in the game. It is all too clear that Chias, while hiding behind facades of friendly clowns, can 'go bad' and turn into evil, pie-throwing maniacs. But nobody has yet considered the possibility that Chias were bad in the first place.

Ice Cream Machine shows that, while seemingly resourceful, lucky, and fast, Chias are quite good at dodging projectiles fired at high speeds from very dangerous weapons. This would suggest that they have had much training in the subject of battlefield tactics and maneuvers. If they were really the 'cute little Chias' everyone supposed them to be, why would they need such knowledge?

Feed Florg also demonstrates the insatiable hunger for power that Chias have, and warns us greatly against Mutant Chias in particular. No Petpet is save from the voracious appetite of Florg! This leads us to wonder why such a Neopet is not contained - the answer is simple. Chias have influence everywhere, and no one wants to mess with the dark side of a Chia.

Third case of evidence:

Three words: The Jelly Chia. Many citizens of Neopia live in fear of this large, blue, gelatinous foe meeting them in an alleyway, day or night. It can bounce around at high speeds almost as fast as those of a Weewoo drinking NeoCola, and it can crush anything and everything in its way. Is that all? Of course not, as seen by the demise of its unlucky creator, the confectioner Wizzle, it can also slowly dissolve its victims.

But surely, you say, it's just another evil denizen of Neopia!

Not so.

Please remember that the Jelly Chia is an opponent in the single player Battledome, with a high strength, one of about a hundred and twenty-five. You might think this is easy, but why would a seemingly highly dangerous enemy be so much weaker than we would expect? I mean, looking at the high strengths of other Neopets, such as the Chiazilla, for example, (yet another malevolent Chia) you'd expect that the Jelly Chia would have a high strength and be extremely difficult to beat.

But what if that's what the Jelly Chia wants us to think? What if, every time it was defeated, it inserted a tiny piece of its jelly into the Neopet who was unfortunate enough to defeat it in battle? What if those little pieces of jelly could act as mind control, adding millions of Neopets to the throngs of slaves to the Chias?

Also, by looking at the Jelly Chia, you'd think that regular Chias (as if any Chia can be called regular!) would not want to encourage this view of themselves as vicious and aggressive Neopets. If that is so, why do they still sell Jelly Chias? Tasty confectionary, or evil plot to poison both the minds and the stomachs of Neopets? If it could happen to one Jelly Chia, it could happen to them all.

Fourth point of evidence:

Mika and Carassa are two Chias who live in an igloo at the very top of the highest peak of Terror Mountain. Their 'Igloo Garage Sale' is one of the greatest tourist attractions - it even has its own game! Every day, thousands of Neopets wait around for the Chias to pop out of their home with some new item that they've collected over the years. Everyone is waiting for a deal - and since they always seem to get one, nobody has seen the real evil intents behind those two smiling faces and puffy coats.

Why is it, how is it, that after all these years of practically giving away items, Mika and Carassa never seem to run out of any? Where is this seemingly endless supply of rare items coming from, and why have the two amassed so many things that we covet but that they never seem to need? My theory is simple. These many items are given away cheap because the Chias don't want anyone to question their REAL plans.

After all, they never answer any questions... and they only laugh when people wonder if it's all a trick to trap tourists into coming to Terror Mountain. I'm sure that using the business as a tourist snare is only one ulterior motive - the REAL plan must be to keep all those Neopets distracted from the secret activities the Chias are conducting elsewhere on the mountain. After all, they can't risk some foolhardy Neopet stumbling upon their underhanded operations!

Of course, we must also remember that, in handing out potions and liquids along with everything else, does anyone really check to see if the bottles, and the liquids themselves, have been tampered with? Of course not. And that's playing right into the Chias' hands, because it would be so easy for them to slip a little something into everything they give away that, someday in the future, can be activated inside any Neopet that has drank one of the tampered potions - and voila, thousands of brainwashed Neopets ready to join the Chia army of mindless slaves.

My brave Neopian friends, I ask you to stay on your guard around Chias! If you are a Chia, and you are reading this, you know that your evil plots will not fool me so easily! You'll never catch me near Mika and Carassa's igloo - unless of course it's with a fiery object in hand.

Remember: they may be cute, and they may be cuddly. But don't let their smiling faces fool you. For the sake of unoriginality...

It's all a conspiracy, a Chia Conspiracy.

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