A Manly Man’s Guide to Neopian Femininity

All of the following things do not contain one manly thing about them: the color pink, Usuki dolls, shades of purple, the Rainbow Pool, faerie magic, Super Happy Icy Fun Snow Shop… And that’s nothing. Believe or not, Neopia is overrun mainly by femininity, which makes it increasingly difficult for a mega manly man pet to survive.

The effect that females have had upon Neopia is overwhelming and opens up so many questions. Why are all the faeries girls? On top of that, why do air faeries always ask for cosmetics on their quests? Is it because the Grooming Parlour is one of the most visited shops in the Neopian Bazaar? These are the kind of things all males ask themselves when they reach a certain age and knowledge level. Unfortunately, unlike crackly voices and growth spurts, these strange phenomena remain unexplained.

The advice “If you can’t beat them, join them” is a terrible path to take! There are male pets out there getting manicures and some are spending more time on their fur than playing football! Even worse, some are getting painted pink, purple, and even faerie, the colors that represent all Neopian femininity!

Now, that doesn’t mean that we need to start an army of tough masculine pets and go make Faerieland resemble a block of Swiss cheese with our manly weapons, despite how instigating those actions can be. Instead, there are tons of helpful, everyday tips that will allow most male pets to keep their manly man aura and survive in Neopia without being subdued to the feminine influence that females have unwillingly force-fed Neopia like the motherly creatures they are.

Firstly, there is etiquette. Manly men must present themselves in a certain manner while in public and even in the comfort and privacy of their own homes. When eating food, if it’s hot, chew with your mouth open to get air circulating. If the food is too cold, rub your hands together to get friction/warmth going and then yell “clear!” when you touch your food. If it’s just right, don’t eat it, because that’s what Borilocks did with the three Yurbles and she was a girl! Remember, no matter what your food’s condition is, everyone will understand; after all, they’re probably eating food of the same caliber, too.

If you spill a drink, (which is bound to happen) you can just suck up the liquid with your straw or with your mouth before it evaporates. Don’t forget; with drinks, bubbles are extremely entertaining, and slurping adds a wonderfully delightful melody to any meal.

Manly men are stubborn. Dissect the word “stubborn” for me. You get “stub-born.” I’m not sure what a “stub” is, but if you are stubborn, a manly man will be “born” inside of you! The word comes full circle! So remember these helpful tips: never ask for directions because you’re never lost, it’s just a slight setback; all great sports teams have experienced a setback during a game. Also, no matter how terrible living conditions may become, never ask for professional help when building, fixing, or maintaining basic household machinery. Yes, that includes pipes, because men are better than each other, and that sewage surfing Wocky has nothing on you.

Just because you must fix the Robo Aisha picking up after you in your home, doesn’t mean that you have to do its job for it. For those of you that don’t know what a Robo Aisha is, it’s a robot that will pick up trash, clean windows, run the vacuum, and dust furniture. In fact, most robo pets do all of that. And let them do it! Don’t worry, dudes, just lie on your back all day, drink soda, and belch really loudly. Ah… the good life.

Unfortunately, not all aspects of male life offer a good life. Sometimes, you actually have to get up and do something. Shopping is the number one thing that you have to do on your own. Manly men have a certain style they need to uphold when they shop for anything. That certain style is described as… cheap. Yes, cheap is most definitely a style. Manly men pets have better stuff to spend neopoints on then everything, causing them to hide it behind walls in their houses while they muttering about how they don’t trust the Neopian Bank. That’s why you need to spend less, to keep more.

You see, your style has to be cheap, because all of the feminine stuff is expensive. Marketers realize that feminine creatures and their brood are willing to spend more neopoints on products. Why else do you think a Light Faerie Hair Clip sells for 5,000 neopoints on the Shop Wizard? It’s an itty bitty hair clip! By buying stuff that is low priced, you can be sure you’re buying manly stuff, because all manly stuff is cheap!

Now, no matter how cheap products can be, never buy hair brushes, toothpaste, toothbrushes, or anything that promotes personal hygiene. It is a trick! There are some things that just have to be so cheap in order for anyone to buy them. After all, no one likes having to clean themselves. Embrace your manly smell of body odor!

Well, I do believe that if you’ve read this far into the article, I must say that you sure are dedicated. Too bad you aren’t a manly man pet! A real manly man pet would’ve stopped reading once they realized that their favorite Yooyuball team was playing! You disgust me. Since you’re probably still reading, I’m going to take a guess, you’re a gross feminine girl wanting to see what the masculine upper power is up to! I knew it! You obviously didn’t read the warning at the beginning. It’s called a warning for a reason! Too bad I didn’t have anything to back the warning up with…

On second thought, I suppose that you, the reader, could be a non-manly man pet trying to turn their life around. I sure hope that you found this article to be helpful, and that you’ve realized the error of your non-manly ways. Now, go out there and scratch!