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Mayhem for Millions! a Minion’s Memoir

by algy13


So, you think that all minions are evil, malicious, repulsive, and destructive? I hate to tell you this, but you're right! Minions are not only evil, but they understand evil in a way that only an evil minion can. For instance, chocolate and asparagus ach y fi? If you understand that you must be an evil minion. Also you must understand that minions know who they are and we know each other, but for our protection you don't know us. You can call me Moonstruck Maniac. Anyways, we have a little saying: madmen are merely strange; minions go to meetings.

     For me it all started on one beautiful sunny day… Soon after the brilliant and gifted Dr. Frank Sloth launched his attempt to take over Neopia I ran across the Space Faerie in Faerieland. Now, like the intelligent faerie Kacheek I am, I wondered what brought her to Faerieland as she is so rarely seen. Deciding that her business in Faerieland was much more important than my errand to pick up some faerie pancakes for my owner, I followed her. She headed towards the castle and I crept along behind her. Once at the castle she entered the gardens. Slipping from one rainbow shadow to another, I followed, straining my ears for any sound. As I turned a corner in the hedge maze I suddenly heard voices. One was the Space Faerie and with her was no one other than Fyora, the faerie queen herself. Craning my neck to see, I heard them mention the illustrious and magnificent Dr. Sloth. Just as they began to talk in earnest, I heard a pair of faerie guards enter the maze. I quickly ran out of the gardens.

     Having heard so much about this fantastic and elegant Dr. Frank Sloth, I determined to learn more. I asked faeries and other Neopians and everyone I saw until I knew everything there was to know. Then one evening I was contacted. Dr. Frank Sloth himself was making a secret trip to Neopia and I was invited to be there. I was so excited. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I started seeing things, and began to dream of Dr. Frank Sloth. Everything in my room was green, and Dr. Sloth posters were everywhere. Frankly I believe my owner suspected something was going on but she never said anything…

     Finally the special day arrived. I snuck away from my room at night when my owner was asleep and hurried to the meeting. It was everything I had hoped it would be and more. I was given my own "I Support Sloth" badge and fully indoctrinated into minion-hood. I went to meetings several times a month where I reported my successes of my experiments and snitched on the innocent-seeming Neopians that were attempting to foil the glorious plans of my master. As my experience grew I got the greatest honor a minion could have; I was allowed to fire the gigantic ray gun and turn someone's priceless paint brush into a pile of sludge. Ah… that fine moment shines in my memory even now as a definite highlight as my career.

     Being able to blend in with normal Neopians became my greatest advantage. I moved in the shadows, sneaking transmogrification potions into the food of innocent Neopians. I wreaked havoc wherever I went. The more chaos the better! I was always careful that no one would notice that I was the cause of anything. I loved the mischief I carried out. Turning small items and the food of Neopians into sludge with my portable ray gun was magnificent! Ah, those good days…

     So that is how it began. Once I was started I was hooked. It was as if I had finally found my true calling. Once a month I would sneak out of my neohome and travel to the secret lair of the vilest of villains, most magnificent and wonderful Dr. Frank Sloth. His laboratory was magnificent. It was all run by Grundos, you know. They are the loyalest of all creatures. Even now in their "freedom" still working for the glorious day when Dr. Frank Sloth will rule Neopia… oops… I say too much. Anyways, in his lair he would wine and dine his most loyal of minions and share with us his plans for a greater, better, more beautiful Neopia. A Neopia where all the neohomes are painted and decorated in greens, where every day is Sloth Appreciation Day, and all Neopians recognize him for the genius he is. Then he would give us the most secret missions of mayhem there were.

     Have you ever heard of Operation Sludge? No? I didn't think you had. That was a magnificent move indeed. In one fell swoop, Dr. Sloth used his ray gun to eliminate all the gift boxes in Neopia and replace them with a pile of sludge. Even now I cannot reveal to you how that magnificent work was carried out, but suffice to say: it was amazing.

     Then there was Operation Meepit. I am sure you have heard of all the recent controversy surrounding the meepit, its so-called evilness and its "innocent" cousin the feepit. Heh heh heh! Little does the average Neopian know that while their minds were occupied by this dilemma the real threat to their safety was slipping by in front of their noses. In fact, you know that faellie that you absolutely must have for your collection? They are the real threat. Still they are out there... costing Neopians hundreds of neopoints, one millionth of which goes through obscure channels to secret numbered accounts in the National Neopian Bank that belong to Dr. Frank Sloth himself. Not only that, though; they are secretly infiltrating the neohomes of the richest Neopians, poised to create mischief and seize millions of neopoints when their owners' backs are turned.

     Ah…the brilliance of the mastermind Dr. Sloth. How he commanded and we made his evil clones. Evil clones to impersonate him and make appearances that the Space Faerie could not ignore, allowing the real Dr. Sloth to make his moves.

     Then he had us make his line of licensed Sloth retail. His books and his toys with the subliminal messages that would eventually turn the user into a mutant were brilliant. There was transmogrification potion on the pages, you see. When the unsuspecting Neopian licked their fingers to turn the pages they unknowingly ate the potion as well and were changed into the beautiful mutants that are so underappreciated. Really, mutants are the most appealing of creatures. Their clean, asymmetrical lines and those rich colors that make them really stand out in a crowd, not to mention their extra features, make them really the most classic beings in Neopia.

     As a minion I dedicated my life to seeing Dr. Frank Sloth as the ruler of Neopia. One month at his secret hidden lair he announced that the pressure from the Space Faerie was getting too strong and he was going to do the unthinkable. I was horrified and confused, but as he explained his plan I saw that it was one of the greatest pieces of genius that I had ever heard. Soon after this meeting I rejoiced with the rest of Neopia when the Space faerie "defeated" Dr. Sloth. But really I was rejoicing because I knew that it was all a ploy by Dr. Sloth. I knew he wanted to be able to work his mayhem in the shadows once more and to slowly drive Neopia to recognize him as its one true leader.

     To that end he continues to work. Hidden in his secret lair, far from the eyes of the Space Faerie, he plots the mischief and plans the missions that his other loyal minions and I carry out for him. Forever we will strive until Neopians everywhere recognize their true leader as the genius he is rather than the failure the faeries would have you believe he is.

The End

Note: Virtupets Inc. apologizes for any physical or emotional hurt that may have resulted from the reading of this article, especially from the realization that you were manipulated into buying that Faellie who will now proceed to steal all your neopoints.

All views in this memoir are the property of Virtupets Inc. All Neopians who now see their true calling as an enlightened member of society and wish to become a minion feel free to contact the author of this article. Neomail is the preferred method of contact as all other methods can and probably are intercepted by that pesky Space Faerie. The author will put you in touch with the local chapter of Massed Minions United which will induct you into minion-hood complete with your own "I Support Sloth" badge.

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