There are ants in my Lucky Green Boots Circulation: 142,874,434 Issue: 200 | 22nd day of Swimming, Y7
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The Cap'n Speaks

by pandabearb


Arr, what do ye need, younglings? This ol’ pirate Eyrie doesn’t want to buy any of yer cookies. Oh, ye be thinking of enrolling in me fine academy? Very well, come on in quickly, though--ye be letting a draft in through that doorway. I be Cap’n Threelegs, the owner of the Swashbuckling Academy, and the finest pirate in the Neopian seas. Erm, I mean the finest ex-pirate. I’m earning an ‘onest living these days, yes I am. Anyway, let me give all ye kits a tour of me place, alright?

The Swashbuckling Academy has been in existence for many a year now, and it be a fine institution, believe you me. We pride ourselves in trainin’ the strongest, finest, most brave youngins’ in Neopia. We don’t be taking weaklings here, understand? Ye got to want to be here, and don’t even think about quittin’, or yer leg will be gone just like good ol’ Cap’n Threelegs. Ohh, ye want to know about how I got in me three-legged predicament, do ye? Well, step on closer, and Cap’n Threelegs will tell ye.

Ye see, it was a dark, cold, storming night and I was at the wheel of me ship. The waters were slapping the side of me ship, rough as ever. Never had me eyes witnessed quite a storm like that one. Enough wind and rain to bring Terror Mountain under water, there was. Wait, what do you mean by “Tell the real story”? Ye don’t believe yer old cap’n? Fine, but I can’t be telling you what really happened, now. It is far less epic, and a secret only this here cap’n knows. But I will tell you this; it involved a hot dog, me fine iron sword, and a wrongly placed sticky hand. Now, no more questions ‘bout that, ye hear?

So like I was saying, if ye sign on to me training program, ye will not be quittting. Think of all yer Dubloons ye would be wasting, eh? Aye, ye heard me right. These here courses can only be taken if you fork o’er the Dubloons. A pirate, um, ex-pirate, can’t survive without his loot! O’ course, the money you’ll be giving Cap’n Threelegs is money spent well. Nowhere else will ye find better trainin’, lads and lasses. Cap’n Threelegs has got some handy tricks up his wooden leg yet, and he be willin’ to share them in exchange for the Dubloons. Arr, and before me forgets me mind, let me add that, ‘The Swashbuckling Academy is not responsible for missing limbs, lost or stolen items, and will not refund your Dubloons in the rare case that your time spent here is unsatisfactory. Thank you.’

Like I said before, not only do we have the best courses at Swashbuckling Academy, but we also have lots of ‘em to choose from. There be strength, endurance, defense, agility, and level-raising courses. All of ‘em planned and most of ‘em taught by the finest teacher ‘round! What do you mean by, “Who?” Yours truly, Cap’n Threelegs, o’ course! Honestly, you unfaithful, foolish--Arr, never mind. Anyhow, all these classes be made to raise yer stats and make ye younglings better lasses and lads.

Allow me to take you weaklings in a class being taught by one of me assistants right now. These here students are training as Cap’ns, which be the highest level there is at the Swashbuckling Academy. Believe you me; they’re going to be the best in the business. Well, except for me, o’ course. It doesn’t be getting any better than Cap’n Threelegs. It should be yer dream to get to this level, although by the looks of you all, there isn’t much hope.

Look at the blue Kacheek and the red Grarrl in the back corner, will ye? They be locked in an intense swordfight, with not one of ‘em stopping until the other one either quits, loses a limb, or becomes mortally hungry. It be a shame, but the count of students me Swashbuckling Academy has plummets like a traitor off the plank when the lads and lasses get to this here top level. There be lots of unfortunate mishaps, if you know what I’m saying. But don’t be worrying, eh? Like I said b’fore, ye don’t have a chance at getting this far anyhow, right?

Did me ears deceive me? Did ye just say somethin’ about that ol’ Techo on Mystery Island bein’ a better teacher than Cap’n Threelegs? Ha! I scoff at yer innocence. That “Techo Master” be a fraud, and crazy to boot. Ye’ll never get a decent trainin’ session out of ‘im. Don’t be trustin’ the ninjas, or it’ll be the last thing ye do. Now yer pirates, there be some decent fellows. And they be wise! Pirates know every tip in the book, not to mention the little cheats we wrote in ourselves. We don’t waste our time doing thinking or any of that nonsense ‘round here. It’s all about the action--sword fighting and whatnot. Aye, ye get better training in me academy, no doubt ‘bout it.

Notice me fine rooms, each one with the best and most legendary wood around. Aye, these rooms have a history in them, they do. Ye see, when me ol’ ship crashed--I mean landed--on Krawk Island, it somehow got smashed to pieces, but good ol’ Cap’n Threelegs managed to salvage the wood from me ship after three hard days of work. Then I used the wood in all of the two thousand, one hundred and forty-nine rooms in me academy. Me ship was a big one, and a beauty she was. But enough about that!

Aye, some intense work goes on in me Swashbuckling Academy, but ye will find it to be worth it in the end. We have the finest weaponry and assistants around, not to mention the fact that we be wielding that pirate-y edge that makes us the best. Many have had success after training with good ol’ Cap’n Threelegs, and ye too could have such a fate. The tour ends here, me friends, so what’ll it be? Will ye choose the right path, and train with me, or will ye not? Aye, ye say you will. That be a wise decision, me lasses and lads. But first me Dubloons. Hand ‘em over, kits, or ye won’t be getting no further into me Swashbuckling Academy!

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