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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 24th day of Swimming, Yr 26
The Neopian Times Week 61 > Articles > Les Scruples' Guide to Neopian Survival

Les Scruples' Guide to Neopian Survival

by wizardofaus

Written on behalf of Les Scruples

KRAWK ISLAND - Hello, mates... I'm Les Scruples, and as you may know, I've been canned from my position working on the Krawk Files show, and as such have found myself in somewhat dire straits. Unfortunately, getting published in The Neopian Times pays absolutely nothing, so this article will not help to change my status in the least. I figure, though, that the least I can do to help people while I'm in this state is to share some of my observations on surviving Neopia for Neopets who have lost their account.

First of all, don't bother turning yourself into the Pound. Not only do you lose your independence, your gambit to be adopted by a fair, kind-hearted sheila with an eye for a good-looking pet like yourself may end up getting you into a job as a twisted psychopath's lab ray experiment, a Battledome practice opponent for rigged fights, or worse. Also, while it isn't common knowledge, every now and then the Pound undergoes a 'cleansing' where all of the pets presently in the Pound go missing... and are never seen again. Better to take your chances on your own in the wild than locked in a cell, guarded by a manic-depressive Techo.

Now then, let's say you're an average Neopet who has been separated from their account (your owner left the world, your company folded, your friends abandoned you, or some such situation). First of all, do not rush out and try to find 'Traveling Neopia In Under 18 NP A Day'. It costs over 1,000 NP in the bookstore, and you are far more likely to find it hoarded in some collector's shop, priced in the tens of thousands of NP, and thus utterly defeating the purpose of attempting to save your meagre resources.

As far as food goes, remember, the Soup Faerie is the exception to the rule of faerie power corrupting, and dedicates her life to helping feed poor, malnourished Neopets. Between her nourishing soup and the occasional bite of omelette from Tyrannia, you shouldn't have to worry about being hungry. If you have some NP to spare, consider checking into the Cockroach Towers - the name might not be very appealing, but they provide an almost-comfortable bed and all the disgusting food you can eat for only 5 NP a night - a fabulous bargain.

Now, if you don't have even the money to settle into Cockroach Towers, or are just in a bad spot, don't worry. Meridell, while possibly the most boring place in the history of Neopia, is also the only place where a Kacheek will pay you 50 NP to count his sack of potatoes, and where you can meet Aisha women in fancy attire just by kissing a Mortog. (Or, alternatively, watch a Mortog violently explode. Either way, mindless fun.) As long as you don't become enamoured with any of the other dubious games of poor quality, you should be able to leave Meridell with more than you left - and hopefully that more won't be a case of Neopox.

Of course, since Maverick, Dr. Sloth, Jhudora, or some other vile horde will inevitably be along to utterly annihilate Meridell (we can only hope), this advice will doubtlessly become dated shortly. With this in mind, I recommend visiting the Lost Desert next - it's already undergone one massive devastation, so it's not due for another for a while yet. The Fruit Machine doesn't cost anything, and occasionally provides you with NP and/or items, so it's always good to visit. Paying homage at Coltzan's Shrine, aside from the lovely tourist aspect, may inspire the benevolence of the departed king if you're sincere (people who dig around his shrine for Dubloons are rumoured to suffer horrible nasty fates involving mummification and jar storage, so I wouldn't recommend that.)

While you're touring the wonderful sights of the Lost Desert (and baking from the terrible heat), there are several local games that you should visit and enjoy. If you're the adventurous sort, you can settle behind the cannon of a Wocky Tank in Swarm. Shooting bugs in a stone tank might not seem like the most appealing job, but it's certainly more worth the effort than counting a few thousand potatoes. If you're into dangerous explorations like I am, you'll find Mummy Maze more your speed - just keep an eye out for those traps, and be sure to catch your swords once you've thrown them, and you should do wonderfully.

Once you have a bit of money, you can play Pyramids and Sakhmet Solitaire - which you can usually earn more from than you pay for, and pass the time marvelously when you're trying to avoid feeling lonely. You can even earn trophies for doing well in them, which might make also make you feel somewhat better about yourself should you have been recently rejected and need some sort of sign of self-worth. Better, winning at Sakhmet Solitaire also occasionally gives you items, which are a vital necessity for the destitute. And, of course, an article on Neopian survival would be lacking without a mention of Mystery Island, home of the (almost) philanthropic Tiki Tack Man and his Tiki Tack Tombola. Like the Fruit Machine, it costs nothing, and it always provides you with something, even if that something is a Palm Fan. Mystery Island is also home to Gadgadsgame, the addictive fruit-destroying game that makes Destruct-O-Match look as slow as a Slorg in the desert - as long as your coordination skills are well-tuned, you should be able to turn a tidy profit from playing.

Of course, wherever you go, there are usually local games which will challenge your skill and increase your monetary status, and by playing enough of them, eventually, you should be able to afford your own NeoHome, and settle back into a normal life again. So don't worry about me, mates - I'll be seeking out new challenges and dangers in Neopia, and someday, I'll be on top of it all again. "The Les Scruples Adventure..." Hmm... That sounds like it has a nice ring to it... Until next time, mates!

Author's note: Les Scruples is a character created by Shidi, and is used with her permission. Those curious about Les' fate should direct their inquiries to the Krawk_Files, and hopefully guilt them into letting Les return to work instead of borrowing people's computers!

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