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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 25th day of Hunting, Yr 26
The Neopian Times Week 59 > Articles > Probably the Most Disgusting Article Ever Written

Probably the Most Disgusting Article Ever Written

by kelandra

MERI ACRES - A few weeks ago, Neopians were enraptured by the launch of a brand new world: Meridell! We now had a medieval flavoured world to explore and play in! Neopian's heads were surely filled with images of Aisha damsels in distress, handsome Lupes riding on shining white chargers, heroic quests to destroy dragons and vanquish dark sorcerers, and ancient swords that granted the owners amazing powers. I too was swept up in the excitement and anticipation of Meridell, especially with the possibility of a medieval paint brush being released (my Shoyru would look quite fetching in a suit of armour methinks). But sometimes we set our hopes just a BIT too high. Of course Meridell still isn't complete at this point, but one thing in particular about Meridell has made me wonder if the creators of Neopets, have a wider sadistic streak then we previously imagined.

Within the last year, Neopia seems to have taken on a very cruel attitude towards its Petpets. If you are a veteran Neopian like me, you will remember when Petpets were first released, and how coveted they were and how much we cherished our little Petpets, and worked so hard to earn the NP to buy JUST the right one for our pets. With the recent additions of Feed Florg, and Extreme Herder; games in which Petpets are gobbled up with gusto by hungry Neopets with unethical taste buds, the sanctity of the Petpet was forever violated. Even highly expensive Kadoaties and Hasees were reduced to nothing more than fodder for the heartless gourmet. I had no idea that the Petpet situation could become any worse but then the Turmaculus was introduced, and any and all hope that I had of the Petpets of Neopets being returned to their former sanctuary was squashed.

I'm going to be blunt. Turmaculus eats Petpets; Meridell is full of piles of dung. If you can't make the connection on your own, I shall elaborate.

Pick Your Own was one of the early games introduced to Neopets after Meridell was opened. It seemed like a fairly good deal, 200 NP and the chance to pick up to 6 berries that you can use to feed your pets. Unfortunately, the berry patches of Pick Your Own are littered with barbed wire bits, wool, old boots and piles of gross-looking dung. I could understand there being piles of dung in a berry patch, after all, what could be a better way to fertilise the plants in the berry patch? But when we stumble across a pile of dung in a berry patch, why on earth do we pick it up and put it in our basket? I could see maybe picking up an old boot, you never know when it may come in handy, but dung? I thought perhaps Meridell would open up a fertiliser stand where you could resell your dung to farmers for Neopoints, or that some strange contraption would surface where you could input your dung and receive dung furniture in return. But then Turmaculus was released.

Luckily when Turmaculus was first released, I was unable to wake him up with any of my pet's Petpets, however my older sister didn't have such fortunate luck. Turmaculus happened to be in a waking mood when she went up to him with her Noil, Shabeera. She awakened him several times and received several items from the Petpet king, but when she went back for a fourth time, Turmaculus leaned down and swallowed poor little Shabeera whole!

My sister gaped in disbelief when she realised that the 40,000 NP+ Petpet that I'd bought for her as a present had been unceremoniously chewed and swallowed by the giant Turmac. I was sorry for her, but also breathed a sigh of relief that my own Petpets had been spared the horror of being digested alive in the stomach of the cannibal monster. But soon after, the gears in my head started turning and I made the terrible connection:

Turmaculus eats Petpets. Meridell is full of dung.

Meridell Dung is Petpets!!

Imagine, you visit the Turmaculus one day, only to have your pet's beloved Slorg gobbled up, the next day you're walking through the berry patch playing Pick Your Own and you step on a pile of dung, not realising that you are ankle deep in the remnants of your former Petpet!

Keep in mind this is only speculation, but it seems to be the only logical explanation to me. Why should Meridell be the only place with so much dung? Sure there is dung furniture and chewing dung in Tyrannia, but in primitive cultures NOTHING went to waste, so it makes sense that dung is made into furniture. In Meridell dung is just everywhere in raw piles waiting to be picked up. And look at the size of those dung piles! Before they removed dung piles from the Money Tree, it was a veritable SEA of dung every time you went there. Surely only a monster of a Petpet like the Turmaculus could produce SO much dung at such a LARGE size!

So why would Meridell allow such a sick practice to continue? My theory is that the Turmaculus must have some sort of deal going with the cranky old yellow Gelert who runs Pick Your Own. In exchange for all the Petpets he can eat, the Turmaculus provides the owner of the berry patches with all the dung he could possibly need to fertilise his berries. All that just so he can get his 200 NP from the people who pay each day to go about picking berries from among the piles of digested Petpets.

Perhaps someday Neopets will offer a solution to this unsavoury problem, perhaps a magical machine like the alien Aisha vending machine, where you can insert your dung piles and maybe have a chance of getting your Petpet back good as new. In the meantime however, I'm content to stay far away from the Turmaculus, lest my pets' Petpets get reduced to fertiliser, and I'll scrutinise every pile of dung I come across, hoping that maybe I'll see one that resembles my sister's lost Petpet.

*Disclaimer: The above article was simply written in fun and reflects absolutely no opinions whatsoever, so kindly do not Neomail me complaining that I am mean or unfair to the Pick Your Own Gelert, or the Turmaculus. They're not real you know.

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