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SEWER SYSTEM - Saturday evening found me, as always, sitting in my NeoHome
and reading my favourite and nearly occasionally on-time newspaper, the Neopian
Times. Over a cup of mint tea and a few Cheesy Neos, I glanced over the front
page, when something caught my eye: This week's edition was sponsored by one
Matt the Wocky, a self-proclaimed Sewage Surfer. After nearly spewing my tea
in amusement, I flipped to the News Brief section, and learned… they were quite
serious. Apparently, Matt the Wocky had the very unlucky job of repairing Neopia
Central's crumbling sewer system. Wait… they had a sewer system? Full of… sewage?
With the lack of proper plumbing in NeoHomes all over Neopia… where was it coming
from? I decided that, no matter how stinky the situation, I had to find the
poop…er… scoop on the situation.
I wasn't about to get my pretty white wings all filthy with whatever sludge
happened to be down into those sewers, and despite what some folks think - they're
not detachable. So I tucked them carefully into an extra-large pair of denim
coveralls (what do you know, they really do cover all!), and pulled on my Wellington
Boots. I tied up my hair and covered it with a blue bandanna and slipped a pair
of Ultra Rubber Gloves on, because there was absolutely no way I was touching
anything down there directly. Thus armed for battle, I left Faerieland and set
off for Neopia Central - seeking manhole covers. Have you ever wondered why
they call manholes manholes? I was pondering this fact when I fell right into
one! Shrieking, I flailed around in an attempt to break my fall (I couldn't
fly, after all, with my wings tucked into coveralls!) Fortunately, I caught
onto a ladder that was built into the wall. The stench here made me gag, and
I wished I had remembered to bring another bandanna to breathe into.
Sewage flowed by below in a brown, stinky river, complete with occasional
waves driven by an unknown source of flow. Offal and refuse floated in the brown
sludgy depths, and I was so ready to scrap this investigative report right there,
particularly when I saw the remains of a decapitated cut-out
of myself heading on down the stream. Note to self: construct new cut-out for
the Krawk Hunter and his Krew. I started to climb up the ladder when I heard
an echoing voice coming down the corridor "Cowabunga!" it said.
"Kau a whatsa?" I said, blinking, as a blue Wocky rounded the corner. He was
riding a pale surfboard, doing a manoeuvre that might have been called 'Hang
Ten', if he'd have had toes. I wasn't quite up on my surfer lingo. He was carrying
a bag full of pipes on the board, and wearing a pair of coveralls. He waved
a wrench towards me in a friendly manner, and I started climbing back down.
It was the sewer repairman himself, the only licensed plumber in Neopia that
I've ever heard of - Matt the Wocky! I decided to interview him, because I was
sure he'd have the… ER… dirt… on what went on here.
Shidi: You're Matt the Wocky, I assume? I'm Shidi Legarro, reporter
for the Times.
Matt: Yes, that's me - but you can call me Matt. I don't call you Shidi
the Winged Chick, after all. Hey, while you're down here, you can help me. Climb
aboard the surfboard and hand me some pipes, will you?
Shidi: Climb aboard… that little board… in the middle of that big brown
river of liquid poo? You've got to be kidding…
Matt: The only way to learn about the Sewers is to be one with the
sewer, dudette. If you want to learn to surf with Matty, you've got to ride
his board.
Shidi: Uh, yeah. The lengths I'll go to in order to get a story…
With a bit of a sigh, and some careful balancing, I climbed aboard the
surfboard, sitting in back of the pipe bag. Matt began to paddle… and he wasn't
even wearing gloves!
Shidi: Um… Matt… you do realise your hands are getting dirty.
Matt: Oh, don't worry about it. I'm used to it. A little sewage never
hurt anyone. Now, hand me a pipe, we're almost at the junction!
Shidi: Are these pipes… clean?
Matt: The pipe, woman! Do you want the whole sewer system to collapse?
He was getting to be one agitated Wocky, so I quickly reached into the
bag, thanking the Faeries that I'd remembered to wear my rubber gloves, and
handed him a straight length of gray piping. He took it from me, and with a
quick turn of his wrench, affixed it to an existing pipe. Maybe it was just
the stench making me light-headed, but I was pretty impressed.
Shidi: Wow, you know… that was pretty cool. You're like, the Wock Daddy
of pipe laying…
In retrospect, I think that statement was definite indication of my mental
state. Don't try this at home, kids.
Matt: More pipe! Hand me another pipe!
Shidi: Pipe! Coming up!
I was really enjoying this. I handed him the pipe, at which point he stared
at me in disbelief and refused to take it.
Matt: What? What is that?!
Shidi: Uh… a pipe?
Matt: The wrong pipe! I need a horizontal pipe! This one is facing
up and down!
Shidi: You could just, you know, turn it….
Matt: Turn? Turn?! There is no turning! They don't pay me to turn pipes,
lady! Just discard it, and reach in the darn bag again!
Shidi: I could turn it around for you…
Matt: Discard!!!
Shidi: Settle down, settle down! How long have you been in this sewer,
anyhow?
I tossed the pipe into the stygian depths of the nasty sludge stream, where
it sank with a blorp sound. This Wocky was obviously pretty out there from breathing
in the methane. I carefully took another straight piece out of the bag and handed
it to him the right way.
Matt: What year is this again?
Shidi: Oh, great… there is an exit to this place, isn't there?
Matt: Sure is… about fifty levels downstream.
Shidi: What?!
Matt: Well, forty nine, technically. This is level one, you see… Pipe!!!
Shidi: Aggh! Okay, okay!
Matt: Good work! One more…
Shidi: So, Matt… do you enjoy your work?
Matt: Enjoy?! Enjoy!! They won't pay me unless I get 5,000 points!
Shidi: (handing over another pipe) Points? Huh?
Matt: You see, the Neopian City Council gives me so many points for
each level I completely fix the pipe in. Ah-hah! I got it! Now, let's just turn
on the flow - twist that valve, will you?
I turned the valve marked Start Flow, and heard the joyful sounds of oozing
sewage.
Shidi: Ugh... there you go. Did you have any unhappy childhood or something?
How'd you get this job, anyhow?
Matt: Dodging the Tyrannian War draft, babe. But shhh… Grarrg might
still be looking for me. Ah, that's great… it's working perfectly. Thirty points
for me.
Shidi: Thirty?! And you need… five thousand to get paid? Have you ever
even received a paycheck?
Matt: Well, uh… once, I made it to level 27…
Shidi: And?
Matt: I got a little lost! I decided the best course of action was
to turn the board around, and start over again. But hey… I really think I've
got it this time. After 384 tries, a guy kind of gets to know what he's doing,
dudette…
Shidi: Uh, yeah, well. I've got to be going now, so if you can turn
this board around…
Matt: But wait! With you handing me the pipes, I could be done twice
as fast! I could actually get home in time to play a good game of Switch-A-Roo.
Shidi: Oh, boy… [I didn't quite have the heart to tell him that old
Uggaroo had packed that game up a while back when he'd been busted by the Chia
Police for running a shell game without a license.]
Matt: Come on… I'll split my paycheck with you… when I get it…
Shidi: I'm sorry… no amount of NP in the world is worth hours of crawling
around in a stinky sewer, trying to affix pipes that you can't even turn in
the proper direction in the hopes of someday getting to 5,000 points! In short,
Matt, your job stinks!
I hopped off the surfboard, thankful for the coveralls and denim boots, and
started wading my way back towards the way I'd come in, ignoring the broken,
bitter sobs of the overworked and underpaid Wocky. I still hadn't found out
how a toiletless nation had a raging torrent of sewage under it, but I supposed
some things are best left undiscovered. I climbed out of the sewers, and headed
straight for home. After a long bath, and the burning of my sewage-laden coveralls,
I felt much better about life. One thing was for sure - I'd never be a Sewage
Surfer again! | 
