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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 19th day of Swimming, Yr 26
The Neopian Times Week 136 > Articles > So You Wanna Be a Pirate?

So You Wanna Be a Pirate?

by saneeya1000

Aye, notice this new pirate madness spreading over Neopia? Well I sure do see. Now let me tell you somethin', pirates are not cute, handsome, brave, courageous, kind, or even be cleaning up after themselves. In fact, they be yellow-toothed, greedy, dim-witted, messy, brave-less, selfish, bad-tongued scurvies! Ar, but why I be badmouthing pirates? I am actually a pirate, not just a pirate, a Capn'! Capn' Dragon-Tooth! Yeah, I know not the best name in the world, but I think ye can get used to it. Now one thin' that I always get asked while sailin' the big blue is: How can I be a pirate?

Well now since I get asked that silly question so many times, I decided to write a little err, um something-that-you-learn-from-thingy. Yeah, I told you ye pirates aren't the smartest things in the world. In fact we ain't good a countin', writin', or even spallin'. So here be some things that ye need to qualify to be a pirate:

- Don't be seasick. (I think this be a given.)
- Be bad to the bone. (We don't need no goody-two-shoes pirates.)
- Be greedy.
- Be messy. (Oh by the way, we be takin' turns cleanin' the ship!)
- Have a soft side. (Yes we all have one, and ye need to show it sometimes, that's why I keep maroon curtains in me cabin!)

Now that we covered the basic qualifications, let's start with some of the things you actually gotta do when you become a pirate.

1. Give yerself a name.
Yep, ye need a name, cause' that'll be what you'll be remembered by the most. And I mean a pirate name, unless yer parents gave you a cool enough name. But of course, usually they give ye some lame name such as Charles (my real name). Now let me just tell you somethin', all the good names are taken. So don' even think about naming yerself Black Beard, Capn' Hook, or even a names that sounds like one of those, cause they probably be taken too. And yes I'm pretty sure even Pink Beard be taken. So be original, I know it be hard, but you can even base it on yer personality or looks. Me fer example, I have this large tooth, so I call myself Capn' Dragon-Tooth. Of course sometimes the names may sound silly like: Big Tummy Bill, or Socially-Enjoyable Stogy. I think I'll leave you to figure out a good enough name.

2. Get a catchphrase.
Besides yer name, ye'll also be remembered by your catchphrase. No I don't know about you, but I be sick to death of all the cliché catchphrases, like: "Yo ho!" , "Thare she blows!", "Aye yah Capn'!", "Ahoy matey!", "Shiver me timbers!" and even "Well slap me silly, an' call me a parrot's uncle!". Okay well the last be not so common, but I still have heard it enough times to hate it. Again like the name, get somethin' original. And don' even think about copyin' that annoyin' "Yo ho" song! If you do love that infernal song so much, then at least revamp it a little like so:

Yo ho, Yo ho! A pirate's life for me!
It be fun, unless of course ye be barfin' in the sea!
Take some gold, take some silver, and grab all the loot!
Quit whinin' cause' no one ever gives a hoot!
Yo ho, Yo ho! A pirate's life for me!

3. Dress like a pirate.
Well it's not really hard to dress like a pirate, all ye have to do is get your clothes dirty n' torn. Or if you really want to be "special" about it, then ye can buy a pirate paint brush, or if you want to be "special" about it and cheap, then ye can buy form some pirate designer brands such as: Ahoy Shirties!, Long John's Suits, and Skull Wear. And also ye can get some nice eye patches, and fake wooden legs. My personal favorite is Loot & Go, they have eye patches available in over a hundred colors!

4. Organize the Loot.
Now, I'm not asking ye to take a bath everyday, or clean up all the mess ye make, I'm just askin' you to organize the loot. Now granted, even if yer a bad pirate, you'll be able to get some loot. Of course you'll store it in some safe place, but still ye'll never know whether some of it gets stolen or not. So keep a little inventory. Firs' you separate the types of treasure you have into piles, and count how many of each ye have like for example: 30 gold coins, 4 golden goblets, 2 fancy dresses. And if yer no good with numbers, get a buddy to help you out. Or if you don' trust no one, then use your fingers to help keep count, and in you have no fingers, will I'm sure you could force some smarty pants into doing the work fer you. Soon ye'll be able to find out if that sneaky-good-fer-nothin' cook has been stealing those coins.

5. Get some form of punishment.
Now knowin' pirates, which I do, they love seein' someone walk the plank, but even the plank gets old sometimes. So get somethin' new, fresh, exciting. No, I don' mean torturing a guy by poking him with a sword. I mean, make someone who's bein' a major pain to scrub the whole ship with his nails, or clean the bathroom with his tongue. Now that's torturous and fun to watch (for the most part anyway)!

6. Relax a bit, and don't act tough all the time.
Pirates do get stressed out ye know. We've got a lot to worry about, an' sometimes it gets all overwhelming. Ye could even kidnap of those psycho-trist (I think that's what ye call em) to help to calm down. Relaxin' won't just help you, it'll reveal your soft inside from your rough n' tough exterior. So do some yoga, an chill a bit. If that guy pushes, instead of throwin' him in the water, talk it out. Well that don' seem like a pirate, you ask. Well I know, but pirates aren' robots, they do have feelings. I've seen many pirates cry, which reminds me, don' be afraid to express your self (Unless on a raid, or hangin' with other pirates, you don' wanna get teased, now do you?). So if you like pink then wear pink (unless in one of the occasions stated above), member real men wear pink (but not in occasions stated above).

7. Bond with your shipmates.
Sure, they may not be the friendliest lot, but with your shipmates, ye'll probably spend the next few months, or your life with. So get to know em at least, you don' have to give them anything at all. Now some ways of bondin' with your shipmates can be something as simple as talking or fighting, yep some people just get along better after they've walloped each other. Or maybe your Capn' might do something special, like me, I take my boys on picnics every weekend, an' it works pretty well. In fact, next week I think we'll take go to the carnival. 8. Plan a strategy.
So when ye go plunder some rich guy's ship, or some other band of pirates, who are big meanies, don' just charge blindly at em, plan some sort of strategy. And again, just like organizin' the loot, I don' want planning a strategy to be too difficult. Just have a few guys go over on one side, and have a few go on the other side and yer done. Of course, kidnappin' some smarty-pants might help some more (which also might require some strategy to kidnap em).

9. Listen to the Capn'.
Yep, the Capn' is the cap' for a reason. Ye won' start off at the Capn', but by listen' and respectin' the Capn', you can get to become a Capn', like me! So member just do whatever the Capn' says, and if the Capn' really is a good-fer-nothing-pain in the neck, then ye can do a mutiny. But most captains aren't like that, they're nice, and fair, and absolutely wonderful (like me!). So listen' to the Capn', and give them gifts, and money, and praise them, okay so you don' have to give em gifts, but you should. And any crewmembers of mine (who can read) my birthday is on Oct. 20, and I'll be expectin' something!

Aye, so we have noted those things down now? So hopefully after this, I won't be pestered with any annoyin' How-can-I-be-a-pirate questions. Now yer not done yet! Ye got to take the pirate pledge! So raise your right hand (if you don't know what your right hand is, then both up both hands, or wings, or whatever ye have) and say:

I (whatever yer name be) solemnly take this pirate pledge, and promise to uphold the pirate rules, which are to plunder and raid. I will not play with my sword foolishly, get into unnecessary fights with other pirates, or do anything the captain tells me not to do. I will praise the captain at all times, and worship as a god. Also I will pay for any misdeeds I do. I will also buy "A Complete Guide to Pirates" by Capn' Dragon-Tooth in Capn' Dragon-Tooth's shop at 1459 Doubloon Ave, Krawk Island.

Author's Note: Please feel free to give feedback to me!

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