How to Know When Your Neopet Needs Glasses by neoguinea |  |
NEOPIA CENTRAL - Have you ever wondered why you see your own or other pets walking
into things, squinting to read books, or mistaking piles of dung for chocolate?
It's not always a case of Blurred Vision -- it may be because they're losing their
eyesight.
Just how do Neopets lose their eyesight? Well, it could be from old age, maybe
having read too many books in the dark, or possibly that three-year-old rotten
omelette from the back of your Safety Deposit Box that you fed them.
If you think that one or more of your precious pets have seeing problems,
don't worry. You (and your pets) are not alone. Approximately twenty-two percent
of the Neopian population has some trouble with their eyesight. Last year, my
Zafara read ten books in one evening and complained about his eyes hurting.
I just told him to stop reading, but you will have to take more drastic measures
to ensure your pet's eyes stay functional. But, whatever you do, don't go crazy
and buy a jar of pickled eyeballs to try and replace your pets' eyes. I have
enough cures to satisfy your insane side. Ask yourself this instead: Do you
know when or how you should help your poor Neopet? Of course you don't. So,
if you can, read on for the symptoms and cures for the semi-blind.
#1 - The Symptoms
No matter whether your Neopet can read fine or not, there may be other signs
for you, the (hopefully) caring owner, to look out for. These include:
- Walking into objects/people
- Low grades in Neoschool
- Not noticing major changes in surroundings (such as a new home)
- Unable to tell time
- Starts referring to you as 'they' or 'them'
- Talks to inanimate objects
- Mistakes a rubber duck for a Battle Duck in the Battledome
- And, the very common "mistaking the pile of dung for chocolate" as listed
above.
Although some of the warnings may not seem very serious, they can become up
to five times more deadly if not treated, which brings us to the next section:
How to treat this 'illness'.
#2 - How to Treat This 'Illness'
Wow, what a creative heading. I'll bet you didn't see that one coming (well,
for some of you, you didn't see it at all). Anyway, now you know if your pet
needs help to improve his/her eyesight. You realize that your pet has one or
two of the above signs, and you try and get help. You search the shops, the
hospital, the Shop Wizard, trades, auctions, etcetera. And, what did you find?
A nice pair of normal, prescription glasses? Nooo.
You might as well stop searching right now. It's obvious that Neopia doesn't
actually HAVE any nice pairs of normal, prescription glasses. I guess I should
have told you before you went and spent thousands and thousands of Neopoints
on things like "Faerie Kacheek Glasses" only to discover they didn't work, right?
Oh well... Put the pitchfork down...
"Why aren't there any normal glasses in Neopia?" you may ask. Well, I can't
help you there, but instead, I have some home-remedies to get your Neopet seeing
straight again.
Warning: The following procedures may have some serious side effects, such
as complete loss of eyesight, permanent dizziness, or crossing eyes.
Okay, let's get started. To recap, you've discovered that your Neopet needs
a way to correct his or her eyesight, but there is nothing available that can
help you. Unfortunately, I am here to help. Here I have listed five of my most
popular proven-to-work cures using common, household objects such as Jhudora's
Crystal Ball.
5.) Make your own glasses. Yes, folks, with this simple, cost-effective
plan, you can make your own stylish pair of glasses for your pet. All you need
is one Jhudora's Crystal Ball, a Striped Hammer, one tube of Super Strong Hair
Gel, a pair of Disco Aisha Glasses, and loads of bandages. First, take your
hammer and smash the crystal ball into as many flat pieces as you can. Arrange
them on a table or the floor into oval or round shapes, then glue them together
with the hair gel. You now have the lenses for your pet. Now, pop the lenses
out of the Disco Aisha Glasses, put your own in there, and, voila! You have
your own, custom glasses that work well and only come to a grand total of… 3,075,900
NP!
4.) Turn your pet into a robot. Yet another Neopoint-saving plan! (Why
are you looking at me like that?) What you need is a full set of Secret Laboratory
Map pieces, about two years' worth of education on technology and computers,
and Ultra Rubber Gloves to cure the Shock-a-lots. When you have the needed equipment,
take your vision impaired pet to the Lab Ray using the map. Eventually, after
your pet has lost a lot of its stats, changed gender, and become a different
species, it will most likely turn into a robot. If not, just keep trying. When
your pet is a robot, just use your knowledge and rewire him/her so that he or
she can see again! It's easy, and will only cost you 420,600 NP.
3.) Bribe Adam to make glasses for Neopets. Pretty self-explanatory.
Just grab anything that has to do with asparagus, go to the Neopets Headquarters,
and explain your case. It's foolproof (as long as you have lots of asparagus).
Cost: 600 NP.
2.) Petpets to the rescue! If you don't have time or money to waste
on any of the procedures above, but still want to help your pet, then buy a
seeing eye Puppyblew! That way, you have the cure AND a petpet for your pet!
Puppyblews are smart, small, and can be easily trained. They only cost 3,500
NP. What a deal! Of course, that means your pet will have to be completely blind...
1.) Forget it. If you are a busy, point-pinching Neopian, and don't
want to spend time or money at all, then just leave your pet as he or she is.
Don't feel too guilty, though. There are many pets out there whose owners don't
have enough money or time. Who knows, maybe your pet's vision will correct itself
in a few years of teasing and torment.
Well, that pretty much wraps up my article to help those with eye problems.
If any of these cures worked for you, then… you must have done something wrong.
Thanks for taking the time out of your life to read this, and any comments are
greatly appreciated! Until next time, I'll be hiding under a rock! Goodbye!
Author's note: This article was meant to be humorous. Neopets do not
actually develop eye problems, but you might if you read this article 300 times
without a break. Besides that, I appreciate opinions, comments, or constructive
criticism.
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