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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 13th day of Swimming, Yr 26
The Neopian Times Week 126 > Articles > Sloth Situation

Sloth Situation

by perstephonie

SOMEWHERE IN HIDING - Dr. Sloth. Whether the name brings tears of laughter to your eyes or a shiver down your spine, you can't deny that Sloth is back and more -- um, stereotypically villain like than ever. Those of you that were around in his last attempt to conquer the world should remember Sloth's obsession to assimilate people and Neopets, and if you don't and that part of your mind is very blank except for a desire to paint your self green and sprout antennae, then you have probably been assimilated, in which case could you stand up. Don't be shy, stand up, walk around a bit, show the big funny mark on your skull ect. because now we have to make sure we are not like you and not get assimilated by the evil, mad dung smelling Doctor.

Some words younger Neopets may find difficult.

1. Assimilate (ass-im-il-ate)- to be subconsciously into doing Sloth's bidding, I mean to do any thing he wants, even *gasp* clean his feet.

2. Stereotypically (stare-eo-typic-ally)- to be a basic idea, example, Sloth is a stereotype villain because like most evil villains he has an evil laugh and is intent on world domination, and green cheese.

3. Brain (brane)- a human and Neopian organ that allows logical thought. Some people however appear to be missing this organ, they are the safest people from assimilation.

4. Decibels (des-ib-elles)- A logarithmic unit of sound intensity; 10 times the logarithm of the ratio of the sound intensity to some reference intensity. (Mwahahaha, you'll never understand my word, never!)

5. Cerebra (ser-eb-ra)- no idea what so ever, but it has something to do with the brain and you can't deny it sounds cool.

6. Transmogrification (trans-morg-ifi-cation)- The act of changing into a different form or appearance, usually a really yucky mutant like Sloth's potions will.

Basic everyday anti-assimilation ideas.

1. Straight forward brain assimilation

Sloth could appear at any time, he could be very public, or very sneaky about his attacks. But there are things you can do to stop him from taking over you in the short run. Firstly, the main point of assimilation is the brain. Not having a brain will stop this but lets not go that far. Sloth's main weapon of assimilation is (dumb people look away) a miniscule particle projectile, hand held laser beam which fires a 200th of a millimeter light beam indivisible to the naked eye but creates a sound with the pitch of about 200 decibels that sends out a row of particles to attack the cerebra cortex of the brain and move on to the left hemisphere to the right hemisphere. Cannot penetrate some glass or Sn + 2CO otherwise known as tin. Okay, forget ALL of what you just read, grab a large piece of tin foil and wrap it around your head. There you know have an anti-assimilation hat and with it, you get the added bonus of blinding anyone that looks at it in sunny weather! Well done.

Carrying a mirror isn't a bad idea also. Mirrors, for whatever reason seem to deflect most rays, be them sun, laser or death ray. If Sloth decides to bring his attempt out in the open, then hold the mirror up to your face. Also buy a Warf, Spardel or Puppyblew because dog-like petpets can hear the sound Sloth's assimilation thingy makes, and can also hear the ice cream carts as they come around the corner faster than most other petpets so you can get a head start before the queue :-D

2. Food

Sloth also has a strange technique were he'll (or rather, his already assimilated slaves) will try to give you micro-chipped food or food containing a transmogrification potion. Yummy? Anyway, basic safety when dining.

· If the Soup Faerie is looking particularly large and green, don't eat the soup.

· If some stranger goes up to you and gives you a large, rare, expensive yummy cake or something, don't even think about eating it.

· Stay away from the Grundos cafe, because it's mostly bad for you and that's probably Sloth's first target because he owns it.

· If you can hear a strange beeping from the Ice cream you just bought, then give it to someone you don't like.

· Don't drink potions that you haven't gotten from Kauvara.

3. Slimy anti-assimilation techniques

All I have to say is that this is just a rough guide of how to protect yourself against Sloth and his many attempts to assimilate people. I'd really be on my guard if I were you, Sloth has been in hiding for ages and I really doubt he was on vacation during that time, I think he was planning something worse than ever. What is even worse is that some fruit cake (no names used) has accepted Sloth as a Neopets employee, and he's already taken over the news and has given himself a day. So at this time, it may be a good idea to get on Sloth's good side although this means becoming sickly chummy with Sloth, and that's why it's called slimy.

Getting on Sloth's good side requires patience, Neopoints and cheese cake (Sloth looooooves cheese cake). Firstly, don't make fun of him. Okay, so maybe the concept of a large green guy that has three hairs that look like asparagus coming out the top of his head and is called Frank conquering the universe is a bit- er- funny, but Sloth really doesn't like it, and making fun of him like this would probably be enough for Sloth to make you sprout antennae on the spot. So don't do it. Secondly, DO NOT call him Slothy, and even worse, do not, under any circumstances, in your life ever in a million years even think about calling him Lil' Slothy. It is rumored that Slothy was Sloth's mean nickname at school. Stupid bullies, now look what they've done. Lil' Slothy has gone and become a super Villain. I hope they're happy. If you see Sloth anywhere in Neopia, do not call the for help, because Sloth gets vengeful. Instead, steer well clear or go be really nice to Sloth so he does not blast you.

4. And finally

Sloth is evil, but he is back, so live with it. And until a full war breaks out use these simple techniques. When a war does break out, I suggest you support the opposition of sloth. If you want to battle him or his followers, I suggest these attacks:

Water Jet (Allows your pet to shoot a powerful jet of water at an enemy.) Because Sloth needs a bath.

Flash (Blind your enemies with this flash and escape from combat easily) All those years or hiding must have given him sensitive eyes.

Sun Ray (A bright beam of sunlight that will help you defeat evil creatures) Same reason as above.

Fireball (This powerful ability lets your pet shoot magical fireballs at its enemies) Because it's cool.

Also, carry around grooming supplies because Sloth has an extreme mortal fear of them (which explains a lot). So that's all I really have to say about Sloth. I hope this little guide has given you useful information about him and what he'll do to get followers. All I have to say now is Good Luck and-- *Zap*-- Forget Everything I have told you and tear down the Grooming Parlor and bring Sloth Cheese cake. Mwahahaha!


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