SLOTH'S LAYER - I’ll cut to the chase and just start the‘column’. I don’t
think anyone wants to read a yet another one of my cheesy articles introduction
as well? Well, if you don’t. Guess what! Tough luck, you do have to read one!
I have some important news for all you die hard fans and/or article readers!
Did you see the picture that the editor chose for my article? Check out these
muscles. Like them? I have been working so out, so I can challenge the puny
Roxy to an arm wrestle. Come on! Don’t you like them? Don’t diss the Doc! With
muscles like these, who needs world domination?
(No, I didn’t choose that outfit for that picture shoot. I really don’t think
it compliments my figure,‘so-called’fashion experts such as Roxy lied that stripes
make you look thinner!)
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“How did you get the name Sloth? I don't think you look like a Sloth at all!
What's up with that?” Avid Namer
“My parents knew I was going to be famous but lazy person who still mooches
off their parents for money when they are older. Hence the name, Sloth.
Okay, I lied! When I was very young, I legally changed my last name to Sloth
from... (Well it sounded too like the name of a certain faerie)”
“What's the highest amount of NP you have taken off someone?” Bank
you, very much!
“Just out of interest, how much DID you have in your account? YAY! Hahahaha!!
Merry Christmas! A trophy with my face! Hehe. ”
"Sloth, why Neopian briefs? Boxers are so much better! Make some Neopian
Boxers!" (you can use my idea, if you think up a snappy name!)” Safety
Deposit Box-ers
“Every Neopian needs the comfort of Neopian Briefs. Boxers, interesting idea.
Sloth’s Shock Jocks! Catchy enough for you! Sorry, but I don’t think there is
a market for them. So don’t expect them to in your nearest retail store yet.”
“My pet has been acting very strangely lately. She has been continuously
talking on the phone and using the word 'like' several times when she talks.
All she ever talks about is fashion and when I ask her questions she always
replies 'I dunno' or just doesn't answer. What is happening?” Worried
About Her Pet
“That's like so terrible! I’m like so sorry! That's so bad she talks about
like fashion! I dunno what to like say. She might have like a problem or something.
Maybe you should like consult like a doctor or your nearest like beautician.
You know? ”
“Dear Dr. Sloth, How many neopoints do you have?” Neo-point of View
“Wouldn’t you like to know. More than 10 neopoints and less than 100 neopoints
at the moment. HAHA! And I bet you thought I was rich. Stupid old age villain
pension!”
“Why are the Virtupets shares on the Stock Market so low? When your next
plan to take over Neopia succeeds, will the shares go back up?” Stock
Taking
“Perhaps, I don’t know. Being able to understand Neopets Stock Market isn’t
a strong point of mine, so I don’t know why the shares are that low. I must
admit I’ll quite good at calculating percentages and sums in my head. 2+2=5,
right?
Since that isn’t my field of expertise, here’s a corny joke I made up about
the Neopets Stock Market.
Nigel the stockbroker was calling about a penny stock and found a taker. "I
think this one will really move said the broker, it's only ten neopoints a share."
"Buy me 1000 shares." said the client. The stock had risen to 20 neopoints,
the next day. The client called the broker and said, "You were right, give me
5000 more shares." The next day the client looked in The Neopian Times and the
stock was at four dollars. The client ran neomailed the broker, "Get me 10,000
more shares said the client." "Excellent!" said the broker. The next day the
client looked in The Neopian Times and the stock was at 90 neopoints. Seeing
what a great profit he had in just a few days, the client neomailed and told
the broker "Sell all my shares!" The broker said, "To whom? You were the only
one buying that stock."
“Dear Sloth, I like your advice better than Roxy. Will you please if tell
when your next battledome fight will be? I would glad to fight along side you.
Especially if it was against Roxy.” In the Dome
“What is the best thing she can do? Hit me with her notebook? I’ll be fine,
don’t worry your little head off!”
“Dear Dr. Sloth, My Ixi is so obsessed with the battledome that she almost
does nothing else. What should I do? She won’t even go to sleep at the right
bed time anymore, she is too busy battledoming. I can’t enforce any rules around
here.” Ixi-mum Potential?
“Tell you what to do. One night, let her stay up to whatever time she wants.
She will get tired and will probably end up putting herself to bed. She may
learn that rules are enforced for a reason.”
“Have you got some asparagus? Gimme!” Asparagus Stalk-er
“No, I don't serve sparrows and my name is not Gus. It's Frank. :) ”
“My Kau has been planning to take over your lair? He took over Lord Darigan's,
it was a BIG problem though. He couldn’t find the entrance! Short of
Lair
“It is pretty funny, your thick-headed Kau couldn’t find the little door that
said ‘entry’ to Lord Darigan’s Citadel? Typical of Kaus. Actually I usually
through the back door of his lair. We are actually trading in counterfeit Neodeck
cards at the moment. If you want TCG cards, come up to the door of his citadel
and knock. Then ask for ‘Bob’.”
“Dr. Sloth, I must ask! Which colour? Pink or Yellow?” Adore the
Colour
“Black. It's a unhappy in between.”
“Hi Sloth, why is my Shoyru turning my pet Grarrls into mutant Lupes? ”
*looks at his now mutant Lupes* When Good Shoyrus Go Bad
“Does he shoot lasers out of his eyes as well? Ever thought of suggesting
this idea to Neopets to market a new figurine? They will be like that book called
‘Attack of the Meerca Bots’ but with figurines...
I can see the market being unhappy, bored high powered people who like playing
with gadgets. Like me? Whee!!”
“Dear Sloth, Why do go on about Roxy? Who is he, she or it?” Yours
Sincerely, Confuzzled
“Don’t get me started... WHO’S ROXY?! What’s a Weewoo? Same answer. They are
both living creatures who are so cutesy, it makes me really quite ill just thinking
about either.
“Dear Dr. Sloth. Why do bad things happen to good Neopets? I need some
help, I have been wondering this for a while. ” Dashing Hero
“Seeing I’m a major in Neopian Arts and Literature, I can answer this. The
quote you can referring to is “Bad guys always finish first.”
“I am a great fan of your unsurpassed evilness and hope to follow in your
footsteps to become a slimy green Chia-like villain just like yourself. However,
to do that I must ask you an important question! Where did you get your cape?
I believe that it is essential for every villain to own a cape so...evil looking
and black as yours is. Please reply ASAP. Now, I will go off to practice my
evil laugh.” Cape Town
“Shucks, it's just something I have in my wardrobe that I can throw together
with a black t-shirt or whatever. My capes are stolen from the store ‘Great
E-Cape’. He’s a great designer. Mwhaahaa!!
By the way, the cape is a trademark, no stealies! :) You don’t want to be
another one of those superhero wannabes.”
“Please I want to know where Dr. Sloth gets his hair done, we're running
out of hair gel because all the boys keep using it. ” Bro with the Fro’
”Slick your hair (if you have any, that is) with any fresh dung pile you find.”
“Hello, Dr. Sloth! I have the BIGGEST and HEAVIEST backpack in NEOPIA!
Neoschool teachers should be fired for assigning this much homework a day! Anyway,
I need some advice on it! What should I do?” Sack the Pack?
“That’s terrible! Poor you! How about dropping the backpack on their foot?
No, don’t do that!
Perhaps you can sway your teacher into your teacher’s new books with some humour.
Teachers are all underworked and underpaid, so I’m sure that would appreciate
a good joke once in a while. Don’t make me suggest one for you! Make up your
own!
Oh, alright! Here’s one! How about a Christmas/school joke? What do elves
do after school ?
Gnomework ! (Lame. :P) ”
“Why do you Doctor Frank Sloth, call Darigan "Dari"? To make him sound
like a girl?” Spy Hard
For such a cute little villain, he actually punches like a little girl with
pigtails. So I tease him by calling him ‘Dari’. When I first read New Features,
about Darigan fighting in the war, I laughed so hard. I spat Neocola all over
my computer keyboard at my Space Station Neohome.”
“My Cybunny has a crush on you! What do I do? She wants to meet you really
badly!” Iced Bunny
“Eww... this is a family site! Paws off the Slothinator, darling! Tell her,
I’m really flattened. (You said crush?)”
“Dear Sloth, In the last article you said you didn't know where Garoo was
because he didn't fit in your cooking pot. But I heard that he was the highest
of your ranks, your top man, your most trusted minion. I'm all confused. ”
Dice-a-Garoo
“He ran away (he would of gone well with some roast veggies), I haven’t heard
from him in a while. The last time I saw him was on a trading card mat for the
Neopets TCG. Darn it! I want that publicity. He used to be a minion of mine
back in the old days..
That's just say, world domination shouldn’t be attempted by amateurs or A-Grade
idiots.”
“Can you help me turn my Zafara into baby?” Big Boo Boo
“Sorry, I can't. I'm not Boochi, he is so childish. Which grown up Neopian
likes toilet humour. Spoke too soon. lol”
“Sloth, why did you become evil? Why can't you be a little faerie that
likes to frolic in fields? Oh yeah, one last question -- what type of Neopet
are you?” Flutter in the Gutter
“Evil? I’m Neopia’s favourite columnist also such as ‘OH SO’ likeable guy
loved my all! Who said I was evil? (Just messing with your head!)
Faeries sit on their behinds all day and do nothing much but summon people to
fetch things for them. Who said I did? Are you inferring, that I’m lazy? *sobs*
I did one of those ‘What Neopet are you’ quizes and got this:
“Witty and smart. Your bad personality traits such as your nerdiness and sensitivity
make you a target from being teased. Or it be me a blessing.
You are a Lenny.
Ah..that’s explains the chicken like hair-do Neopets gave me. Right!”
“Hi Slothy, What's your favourite Neopet? (Pleeeeease say Jubjubs!) ”
Signed, Jubjub Fan
“That would be a hard choice. I love every SINGLE Neopet species. Except Shoyrus,
they kind of creep me out. The eye thing still freaks me out.”
“SCANDAL! Hey everybody! Roxy has one eye!”
“Where is Mrs. Sloth? Neopia, hasn’t seen of a picture of you two in public
for a while!” Up Close and Tropical
“I keep her in a cage. I feed her asparagus through the bars of the cage.
Sometimes she has free roam around the house, just like my Puppyblew Checkers.”
“Hello Dr. Sloth, I don’t know how to make anything in the Cooking Pot! I can
make sand sculptures. That is all! It doesn't take a doctor to make that! (No
offence!) Could you please tell your fellow readers and myself, what things you
are able to make?
Also, is there a way to make a Jelly Llama? I seem to have lost my pet
llama. Is there a llama on neopets? There should be! A llama ate my hat at the
zoo once. It was an ugly hat, I'm sure it tasted bad! (Umm, that was not my
point...wait, what was my point? ahh!) ” Your devoted follower, Melissa
the Jelly Llama Mama
“I’m strong in the arts, my minion. I can make lots of differentfartsarts
and crafts. I can make anything when I set my mind (and for the person who asked
me. Yes! I do have a brain!) to it.
You can’t make a Jelly llama. You have to WANT the llama. You have to NEED
the llama. You have to BE the llama.
I could of sworn blind that I saw a Jelly llama among the Myncis at the Space
Station Zoo. A part of my ice cream got stolen. When I went to report it, that
thought I was blooming insane. Since there isn’t technically a Jelly llama Neopet,
it only exists in the hearts and minds of every Neopian.”
“If you put a coin in an empty bottle and insert a cork into the neck of
the bottle, how could you remove the coin without taking the cork out or without
you breaking the bottle?” Trick Star
“You get someone else to break the bottle! Then it won’t count!”
“Who is your favourite staff member to whack in Whack-a-Staff-member? I
can’t decide who to hit. ” Very Whacky Indeed
“Don’t make me choose. I like that staff member who burps when you hit them.
Man! That's right, burping!
But those staff members get away with nothing compared to what a certain sauve,
green villain can get away with almost anything around Neopets...
My least favourite staff to whack is Snowflake, of course! :D”
“How did you get your Evil Ph.D.? How is it different that a regular Ph.D.?”
Sonic
“How? heh. I threatened to turn my Neocollege professor’s Moltenore into sludge
with my Sludge Ray. (Kiddo, that is how it is done!)
The different between them is that a Evil Ph.D. stands for Power, Hungry Doctor
while a normal Ph.D. stands for something different.”
“AHH!!! WHAT? You fought AGAINST DARIGAN?! ARGH!!!” Asparagus
“Blibble! (Take note fans, this is my new catchphrase!) Rough translation:
“Huh?” and “Oh my goodness!” (depending on the situation.”
“Do you find amusement in trapping things? If so, a little help would be nice.
*moves fingers to no avail* ” Stucto Gether
“Hahaha! I finally learnt how to catch a human! I have finally learnt how
to! You can’t lure people with ‘I can’t believe it's not Jelly llamas’, only
bags of neopoints left casually lying on the ground seem to work.”
“Dear Mr. Sloth, I greatly admire you. I cannot wait until you execute
your revenge on Neopia. You are a great man. I have a question, though. How
can my Neopets become your servants in your revenge against Neopia?” Plan
It Neopia!
“Aw, you are too kind! If you were a booger, I'd pick you first. Sorry, but
I’m not hiring at the moment for servants.
“Heya Sloth! I need some of your trusted advice. I’m a white Tonu and I
want a White Ona to match with my pet colour! The Advent Calendar gave them
out and I missed out. What should I do?
A) Beg on the chatboards.
B) Set an Ona Trap! or
C) Do a happy jig and busk for neopoints to get one.” Going One Step,
Fir-uther
“If a Tonu did a jig would it started an earthquake? That may be a dangerous
thing to do. I suppose, I can do something nice for once. One White Ona coming
up for you! :P
Take it before I change my mind! *hums* It is the season for beggars... hahaha..
it's the season for expensive wishlists... hahaha...
ROTF: (Rant of the Fortnight-but not really in the sense of being every
fortnight!)
The Advent Calendar! It's all good to give out white Onas but replacing it
with an asparagus item! The shame! Not pointing any fingers. Then we got on
the 6th day, a rather disturbing flash animation with dancing Onas.
ATTTACCKKK OF THE BUM WIGGLING ONNAAASS!!! AHHH!!! (I have found my one, real
weakness..)
Author’s Note:
Got Sloth? You must be Issue 110, 112 and 117 of The Neopian Times. For more
Slothy goodness, check out these back issues of The Neopian Times. Feel free
to send any questions/advice questions to me and I’ll pass them onto to Doctor
Sloth to answer.
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