Name: Swamp Ghoul
Species: Cotton/Polyester Blend, DRY CLEAN ONLY
Location: Bilgy Bob's Drycleaners, 1376 Tombstone Road, Take a Left on Dark
Forest Path, Go For About Five Minutes, You Can't Miss It
BILGY BOB'S DRYCLEANERS, 1376 TOMBSTONE ROAD, TAKE A LEFT ON DARK FOREST PATH,
GO FOR ABOUT FIVE MINUTES, YOU CAN'T MISS IT - That's the last time I ever take
directions from Balthazar... "Take the scenic route," he says, "It's
so much prettier!" In the Haunted Woods, 'pretty' is defined as the mud
is actually made of mud and not... well... oh, hello, and welcome to the eighth
installment of Background Voices of Neopia, the article series that intends
to teach you about various Neopians but nearly always ends up running away from
them. This week, I can assure you, will be no different.
I've traveled to Bilgy Bob's Drycleaners, renowned for its... well, it's probably
renowned for something, though I'll try to stifle my anticipation and get on
with the interview... anywho, here I am at Bilgy Bob's, where my starry Draik,
JadePaw, and I will interview the ghoul and learn more about him. I must warn
you, JadePaw's just a teensy bit miffed about me not choosing her as an interviewer
in the past. Just a teenesy bit, remember.
JP: THANKS-A-LOT-YOU-GOOD-FOR-NOTHING-PIECE-OF-DUNG!
TK: Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, OW! Sweetie, punching daddy's neck really hur--
no honey, kicking daddy's back is not a-- GET YOUR TEETH OFF OF MY ANKLE YOU
SON OF A--
See what I mean? Only a teensy bit. But I digress... Bilgy Bob's Drycleaners
is a pretty interesting place. By interesting, I mean big wooden box with no
windows and two doors. Behind a counter stands Bilgy Bob... if you overlook
the dirty face, tattered clothes, putrid smell, morbid obesity, and the green
something on his paws, he's actually a really handsome looking Kacheek.
So there we were, my little glowering princess and a queue of various Haunted
Woodlanders waiting for their angora and silk breeches to be finished. Even
villains are smart enough to heed a 'Dry Clean Only' tag.
TK: Hello there! I'm TK, and this is JadePaw. You must be Bob. I was
w--
Bilgy Bob: The name is Bilgy.
TK: You mean your parents actually named you Bilgy?
Bilgy Bob: Uh-huh.
TK: So if your first name is Bilgy and your last name is Bob, then what's
your middle name?
Bilgy Bob: Cornelius.
JP: Lovely. By any chance have you seen the Swamp Ghoul? He's a big
black rag that has little Christmas bulbs in his hood.
Bilgy Bob: Hold on a 'sec.
The Kacheek walked (or better yet, waddled) over to one of the doors. He entered
a room that sounded distinctly like washing machines before closing the door
behind him. A moment later he returning clutching a black garbage bag that he
shoved it in Jade's hands. We walked over to the side of the room and deposited
the contents of the bag on the ground. A drenched black cloak fell out.
JP: How peculiar, it's some kind of coat... it could be have dangerous
reactions beyond our wildest imaginations if put it on. TK, you try it.
TK: Sure!
JP: Uh-oh... TK, are you supposed to be writhing on the floor like that?
SG (coming to life): MUAHAHA! Your mere mortal of an owner has donned
the Cloak of all Endings, therefore forced to face the consequences of such
a powerful magic. His mind has been transported to another dimension of infinite
darkness. He will never be the same person again.
TK: Wheee, that was fun! Let's do it again!
SG: Curses... note to self, Cloak of all Endings needs repairs...
JP: So you're the Swamp Ghoul!
SG: Yes, it is I, the Reaper of the Souls, Harvester of the Heart, Bretheren
of the Shadow--
TK: Queeeeestion number one: How come you're such a B-rated super villain?
I mean, you have a Collectable
Card that just says you smell bad and you're so poor you mug Neopets. You
also have that wimpy Random Event which you only swoop down and stare at pets.
SG: I... I... uh...
TK: Not to mention you're not even in the Gallery of Evil. You act like
you're so scary, but you're not even good - or bad - enough to compare to a
fat Skeith in a trenchcoat and a Chia made out of jelly! What kind of monster
are you?
SG: But... I... the... a... uh...
JP: And how come your Collectable Card picture has red stuff dripping
from you eyes? What, did you put your eyeshadow on in the dark?
TK: Or was your mascara dripping because you were crying? Were you crying
because you're not good enough to be in the Gallery of Evil? Is that it? 'Cause
you can tell me. Were you crying because you stink at--
SG: I AM THE REAPER OF SOULS! THE REAPER OF THE SOULS SHALL NOT FEEL
JEALOUSY! THE REAPER OF THE SOULS SHALL NOT WEEP!
JP: Use your indoor voice. Indoor voice.
SG: THE BRETHEREN OF THE SHADOW CAN INDUCE FEAR FAR MORE INTENSE THAN
ANY SUCH MORTAL! THE BRETHEREN IS FAR MORE TERRIFYING THAN ANY SUCH LESSER BEING
THAN HE! THE BRETEREN--
TK: --is very annoying because he refers to himself as a second person.
Queeeeestion number two: Where do you live?
SG: Pah, I shall not divulge the location of my abode unto ears of such
a lesser being than I. You--
JP: Hold on, it says on the back: 'If found, please return to 1121 Dark
Forest Path'
SG: Right... I forgot about that...
TK: I was wondering, are you related in any way to the Lava Ghoul? I
mean, you do share the same last name.
SG: He is my orthodontist's car dealer's former science teacher's pet
white Weewoo's former owner's arch-rival's favourite painter's--
TK: Sorry I asked.
JP: Mr. Ghoul, are you even a Neopet? I mean, to me you bare a striking
resemblance to a baby Aisha.
SG: I was woven by the Thread of Malevolence and the Needle of Darkness.
I brought to life with a jolt of almighty--
JP: Try it without the dramatic bantering.
SG: I was a cute little Kacheek walking down the street when I found
this rag on the ground. I tried it on and presto, I'm a freak. Happy!?
JP: Very much so.
TK: Rats, I can't find the cards with the rest of my questions on them--
I mean we're running out of time. Swamp Ghoul, any last words?
SG: Next time you're hurrying through the darkest region of the Haunted
Woods, and you sense a chilling feeling in the pit of your soul, know that--
TK: This is really eating up a lot of time. Peace out!
And that concludes my interview with the Swamp Ghoul. Got to run, my pets just
came back with the Halloween candy... hehehehe. This is too_kule, signing off
from Bilgy Bob's Drycleaners, where the motto is: 'Mysterious disappearances
of jewelry is a complete coincidence and therefore cannot be pinned on us!'.
Merry Chris-- I mean Happy Halloween!
Disclaimer: We make quite a few jokes in this article, but there's something
serious that I cannot stress the importance of enough: going to your drycleaners.
You may be thinking, "What's the point? I already have a washing machine, and
shrunken clothes are all the rage!" But it's a known fact that not going to
your drycleaners teaches violence to children and cuts 20% of your life away.
Remember THAT next time you shove your cashmere garments into the washing machine.
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