Main Page Go to Short Stories Go back to Articles Go to Comics Go to Continued Series Go to Editorial Go to New Series

Show All | Week 1 | Week 2 | Week 3 | Week 4 | Week 5 | Week 6 | Week 7 | Week 8 | Week 9 | Week 10 | Week 11 | Week 12 | Week 13 | Week 14 | Week 15 | Week 16 | Week 17 | Week 18 | Week 19 | Week 20 | Week 21 | Week 22 | Week 23 | Week 24 | Week 25 | Week 26 | Week 27 | Week 28 | Week 29 | Week 30 | Week 31 | Week 32 | Week 33 | Week 34 | Week 35 | Week 36 | Week 37 | Week 38 | Week 39 | Week 40 | Week 41 | Week 42 | Week 43 | Week 44 | Week 45 | Week 46 | Week 47 | Week 48 | Week 49 | Week 50 | Week 51 | Week 52 | Week 53 | Week 54 | Week 55 | Week 56 | Week 57 | Week 58 | Week 59 | Week 60 | Week 61 | Week 62 | Week 63 | Week 64 | Week 65 | Week 66 | Week 67 | Week 68 | Week 69 | Week 70 | Week 71 | Week 72 | Week 73 | Week 74 | Week 75 | Week 76 | Week 77 | Week 78 | Week 79 | Week 80 | Week 81 | Week 82 | Week 83 | Week 84 | Week 85 | Week 86 | Week 87 | Week 88 | Week 89 | Week 90 | Week 91 | Week 92 | Week 93 | Week 94 | Week 95 | Week 96 | Week 97 | Week 98 | Week 99 | Week 100 | Week 101 | Week 102 | Week 103 | Week 104 | Week 105 | Week 106 | Week 107 | Week 108 | Week 109 | Week 110 | Week 111 | Week 112 | Week 113 | Week 114 | Week 115 | Week 116 | Week 117 | Week 118 | Week 119 | Week 120 | Week 121 | Week 122 | Week 123 | Week 124 | Week 125 | Week 126 | Week 127 | Week 128 | Week 129 | Week 130 | Week 131 | Week 132 | Week 133 | Week 134 | Week 135 | Week 136 | Week 137 | Week 138 | Week 139 | Week 140 | Week 141 | Week 142 | Week 143 | Week 144 | Week 145 | Week 146 | Week 147 | Week 148 | Week 149

Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 14th day of Eating, Yr 26
The Neopian Times Week 112 > Articles > Surviving On the Streets Without Not Surviving

Surviving On the Streets Without Not Surviving

by noremac9

DUSTY STREET - Imagine walking down a dusty street. It could even be a clean street -- I'm just trying to set a mood here. On this street, the market traders are everywhere. They try to sell you this and that, haggling and shouting. But they sell to all the yous BUT you. You aren't on their radar. You are a street rat. You have no money, no credibility, and most importantly, you have a pointy little red hat with a funny tassel. You will go hungry when everyone else is dining on gourmet food. And that's not even what you're worried about. There are Chia Police searching everywhere for you, since you're wanted for Grand Theft Ultimate Burger.

Okay, so stop imagining. Seems pretty rough, right? Well, some of it's kind of rough, but the really bad part is obvious: little pointy hat. On second thought, those are probably the fashion police. All this, and it's just a mere fraction of life on the street. Or life on the cloud, in Faerieland. And they're really sort of tunnels in the Darigan Citadel. Not to mention Maraqua, where you're just swimming around evading a giant Slug. But the point is really quite simple: you've got to survive, one way or another. Welcome to the another.

We're going to do this in chronological order -- beginning with becoming street scum. In other words, we'll start off with the bad luck. I'm not going to go through every possibility you may have lost all your cold hard cash through. For instance, I'm not going to guess gambling, poor investing, robbery, excessive spending, poorly chosen lending, a very hungry Skeith, a very hungry Grarrl, the Pant Devil, an overly greedy Tax Beast, or Alien Aisha abduction. I'm not going to mention any of that in a long string of guesses -- we're just going to cut to the chase. You have no money. You are dead broke. Deal with it.

Your first priority is probably finding food. This is both good and bad. The good news is, I know you haven't gotten desperate enough to sell your organs off. The bad news is, you're really hungry. When faced with this fact, most of unfortunate members of the elite poor guys society steal cheeseburgers and purple fruit. I don't really recommend this: mainly because I have a reputation to keep, you know. Of course, that is a bit of a stretch, but... we're moving on now. I recommend eating your own leg. Seriously, that sounds crazy, but it works. In fact, you can eat both your legs. You don't need those. You can just hobble around like a crazed maniac. But more importantly, you will get a new class: handicapped. This gives all sort of advantages. Let's see, there's getting some respect, getting a really cool chair with wheels, getting to go really fast down hill, and you even get some money for having no legs! You get NPs for eating FOOD! Insane, I know, but one of the greatest secrets in life. However, before you get out the Sinsi's Sword and a fork, read the rest of this article. If you eat your legs, you'll no longer be a street rat. That won't do.

Assuming you've got a full tummy for a few moments of nutritious bliss, you need to worry about a lot of other things besides food. Being on the street is like being from a meat factory -- in other words, you're dead meat. There are predators around every slightly sandy corner, mildly run-down alley way, and slightly in disrepair curb. They're waiting, watching, spying on your every move. Whether they're really hungry, out for revenge, or just woke up on the wrong side of their Straw Bed, they still have one common intent: to get you. Since this is a pretty big problem, I have compiled a list of all the most famous tramps throughout the centuries' writings. Here they are:

Might I mention that all the most famous tramps are illiterate. This poses problems when looking for Street Rat Handbooks 'sides this one. Looks like you're stuck with me. You're probably illiterate, too. Anyway, I should stop stating you're illiterate and move on. Keep reading.

To evade scary people, look over your shoulder a lot. While you'll be able to see a lot of people coming up behind you, this will make people think you're carrying something of value, and you'll get a small army following soon enough. This is actually a very good thing, because it's a necessity for your big musical sequences. And as we all know, any street rat worth their Salt Mote has big sequences questioning morals and such.

One really important aspect of bumming it1 is to get a strange little animal friend who carries out your every whim. Actually, I think they're just there so you can talk to something besides your hat. Talking to a hat can be extremely boring. Much less interesting than talking to a Pet Rock. Some recommendations of mine for a petpet are the following -- Pet Rock, a Pink Pet Rock, a Halloween Pet Rock, a Blue Pet Rock, a Green Pet Rock, Purple Pet Rock, Plushie Pet Rock, or a Glowing Pet Rock. These are all very friendly petpets who will never say no. They'll never say much of anything, but, uh, that's a definite bonus when sneaking around in the guard house!

But all this is like a grain of sand in a Skeith's second-to-last tail spike compared to what I am about to tell you. That is to say, like a a pile of Spooky Jelly Brains in an Old Boots open heel in comparison to the following information! And this speck of Mootix antennae, this piece of prosthetic limb, is so earth-shattering, so Faerie-Pancake-ripping, so awe-inspiring... okay, I'll get on with it and leave the hype out. It's kind of cool, anyway. It's called Begtopia, all right? It's where beggars live like kings, and don't do any work -- where you sit around and your NeoHome cleans itself. Where you actually HAVE a NeoHome. Maybe I should just show you this ancient poem describing it. Here you are.

There is a land quite far away, Unless you live really close to it, In which case it's not really far, But kind of close, I guess.

It's a place of wonder; place of awe, Place where you can eat coleslaw, No matter if you're rich or poor, No matter if you something that rhymes with poor.

It's where the beggars go when all is lost, Where there's not a single lodging cost, You can sleep anywhere and eat anything, You can and play and dance and sing!

All this and so much, much more, It's really not that far away, Oh wait, I said it was earlier, didn't I? But if you're close it's not that far, So I'm right. So there. And, uh, something, something day!

It's called Begtopia, where the beggars go, I already said that too, um, snow. And I there's a hole in the bottom of the sea, Ohhh, there's a hole in the bottom of the...

So there you have it-- Begtopia described in a Chocolate Covered Peanut shell. I guess beggars never were the greatest poets. Second greatest, I guess. Right next to the Monoceraptor and the Cave Chia.

There's one finally thing us-- er, you-- beggars need to know. It's a contradiction to the phrase, "Beggars can't be choosers." I intend to fully prove that phrase wrong. There are several types of beggars you can be!

The "Do What You Gotta Do, Man!" Street Rat

These are people who just have to steal to eat, since they gotta eat to live, otherwise they get along. Just an Ummagine here and a Bagguss there -- nothing that anyone will miss. Just tell the Elephante guards that. Or the Kau guards. Whoever's after you, just tell them that! See what they say right before they tackle you to the ground and drag your sorry rear off to jail. Also, this is a good choice for really, really dumb people, since you can play games and buy an Ummagine for around 1 NP, rather than risking your whole livelihood on the purple lump.

The "I'm Dirty, Stinky, and My Name is Dumpy!" Bum

This guy is one tough customer. Actually, if he's in your shop, don't let him get to second base-- the customer part. Just kick him out. Anyone like this is usually referred to as a plank in Neopia's eye, a green lump you found in your armpit that morning, or Stoneman3x. Those are all next each other in the thesaurus -- I checked, double-checked, and re-double-check, trust me. These guys are just nasty criminals who will eventually end up in an ice cube; and I don't mean for a soft drink.

The "I'm rea' laaazy..." Guy Rat Thing

These people are very hard to write about, because the do very little. They just get by on what hits the ground, five second rule notwithstanding. If you see one of these folk lying around on a street corner, be careful to keep your Spotted Sludgy away from them.

And that sums it up folks -- hopefully, I've taught Neopia how to be more slothful, dishonest, inconsiderate, and generally stupid in a mere several hundred words. My work here is done.

1A very difficult word, which should be quarreled about and blamed on other geographical locations.

Search :
Other Stories

Dear Roxy Forever
Nothing will stop Roxy from offering her advice not even an evil mastermind. As long as problems are submitted, Roxy shall always answer.

by roxycaligirl101

Lifestyles of the Affluent and Illustrious: Captain Xelqued
To allow our guest to not be attacked by mobs of Faeries… I'll have to talk to him here, in the Virtupets Space Station. You know him: It's CAPTAIN XELQUED!!

by nindail

Extreme Sports -- Neopian Style: Part One
It's the thing we all crave. And I'm not talking about that tasty Dung & Pineapple Pie. I'm talking about that adrenaline rush, that surge of excitement.

by bluescorchio104

Doctor, Doctor, Gimme the News!
Warning, reading this article may be bad for your health. You may die of laughter from cheesy jokes. Do not say later,you have not been warned.

by plushieowner

Wubba's 'Beginners Guide to Role Playing
So what's appealing about role playing? The ability to create your own character, past, and present.

by wubba_tha_lop_minion

Neopets | Main | Articles | Editorial
Short Stories | Comics | New Series | Continued Series | Search