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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 21st day of Eating, Yr 26
The Neopian Times Week 112 > Articles > Doctor, Doctor, Gimme the News!

Doctor, Doctor, Gimme the News!

by plushieowner

Hi! I’m Doctor Sloth! You may remember me from such articles as ‘Ask ‘Dr’ Sloth: The Doctor Is In!” in The Neopian Times and also ‘Flatulence 101’ in the Neopian Evil Villain Doctor’s Medical Journal.

Oooo... while I have your attention, I reckon this is the perfect opportunity for yet another plug and more shameless advertising!

*plays with a pink Poogle toy* Well you know where to find The Neopian Times, I assume since you are reading it right now. Where as the journal you may need some helpful purchase information. It is available at major newsstands all around Neopia!

A good value for money read with lots of thick pages, the journal would make a great gift idea. As well as being a wonderful piece of reading material to acquire and enjoy, it can also come in handy as a paperweight, flower press or drink coaster. It could even be good for weight lifting exercises. I guarantee your mind won’t expand but your biceps will.

Without farther ramblings, I present to you more questions answered by the one and only me. Me, egotistical? Nah, don’t know who you referring to! Mwhaha! I hope you enjoy them puny humans! As due to a request from some nameless user, I promise to try not to get off the topic when answering questions. Oooo... a butterfly just flew past my jail window!

Oh no! I have just been informed by the Times Editor I now have to include a health warning with my ‘column’.

(insert big, flaming bold red letters) Warning, reading this article may be bad for your health. You may die of laughter from cheesy jokes. Do not say later, you have not been warned.

“Whenever I drink coffee from the Deep Catacombs Coffee Shop, I get this sharp, agonising pain. What should I do?” Java Strip

“Try to remember to remove the spoon from the cup before drinking.”

Dear Dr. Sloth, I'm a big fan of yours and I would like to know why you don’t have your own line of paint brushes? Darigan does and I think you are twice the villain he is!” Paintball

“Nah, who wants to paint themselves like me! Actually Mr Pickles and I are bringing out our own line of Neopian Briefs. Mmm... stretchy...”

“I got this random event the other day ‘Something has Happened! A sudden gust of wind blew past your Neopet!’ What does that mean?” Ran-doomed event

“Er, grab a kite! The current weather is lovely at the moment with there just being enough ‘wind’ for kite flying.”

“What is your favourite Neopian Soap Opera?” Drama Queen

“Cheesy Neos. I keep missing it because it is on during the day and I work full-time. When I last saw it, Fyora had been left in a desert with no food and water. Also Jhudora had broken up with herself, she said she wanted to see other people. Stoneman3x promised to swear his undying love for Snowflake and he also said he would write for the Times for eternity to make her happy. Jhuidah has been accused with the disappearance of the Tiki Tack Man but she pointed the finger of blame at Plushieowner. Capara had found a baby Neopet dumped on her pouch and she vowed to take care of until she found who their owner really was. I'm surprised, I could actually follow all the storylines.

The Chia/Lupe Debate is good show too to watch too. My favourite episode which I have seen was about a two well known columnists for a famous Neopian newspaper. All in good fun, they tried to complete with each other to see if they could top it each other’s columns. I think it starred some Shoyru and with some evil, bald guy in it. I could totally relate to the storyline.”

“How many times have you entered the Beauty Contest?” Tell Tale Art

“Trust me, I’m not beautiful. Oh, you mean drawing pictures! Art?! Most people think my art looks like a crippled up chip packets on a white canvas. Don’t get me started on my numerous Art Gallery attempts. I have lost count. ”

“How do you get unfrozen? Surely you've been frozen more than once!” Gone But Not Forgotten

“Huh, you mean accounts? Yes, the Neopets Team cryogenically froze me in a time capsule and recently thawed me out. How old am I, do you think? 40?! Oh come on! I do not look bad for 200 years old.”

“Dear Sloth, Do you ever get take a shower or let alone get wet?” H to Whoa

“Are you referring to my smelly armpits? Why, how dare you!” *thwap*

“Dear Dr Sloth, You are the most awesome super villain in all of the Neopian Galaxy. Did you really take over Plushieowner’s inbox the other week? You know that is hacking. Bad, bad Dr Sloth. You are still my hero, though. One last question, did you really enslave my Grundo a long time ago? I don't think he likes you.” Yet Another of Your No.1 Fans

“Mwmhahaha!! Yes, Plushieowner is long gone! I was at the Neopian Bakery and grabbed a cookie. It just so happened to be her cookie to her account. Your Grundo? What Grundo? Er, he might of gone in someone's a Grundo Goo Sundae. Oops! Hahaha!”

“Hi again, Sloth! Captain Sloble isn't in a Grundo Goo Sundae. He says he never met you. He also says ‘Hi!’ Do you ever plan to let Plushieowner come back? What did you do to her?” Still an Adoring Fan

“Hi Captain Sloble! Must be another Grundo I ate.
Er, I need to blackmail her to write more Neopian Times Articles in my name. I want trophies!!!” *strokes Plushieowner's NT trophies*

“Are you ever going to give her account back?” Disgruntled bunch of Plushieowner’s Neofriends

“Yeah, when White Weewoos fly! NEVER!!! Mwhahahaha!”

“Yo Slothinator, I didn't know you were married! That's so funny! What if I told your wife you had an ‘ickle’ crush on Jhudora? That'd be fun!” I'm Afraid of Myncis and Asparagus

“Oh Shoyru! You think I like Jhudora. Tell! See if I care! *cough, cough* Sarcasm. Oh please! I would rather go to Meridell to marry a pile of dung. Why world I want to marry an awful cook? The only thing she can cook is Lemon Chicken.
By the way, if you read my biography you would know how much Jhudora tortured me as a child. I called her 'Purple People Beater'. Cruel little brat! She called me 'Three-toed' and made fun of me because I wasn’t very tall.
Her nerve! Luckily I’m now taller than her even when she wears her tallest pair of high heels.”

“In your Neopian Times Article, you kept saying you're married. Who is the unlucky girl?” Curious Socialite

“Neopia has such a large bunch of nosy parkers. Why don’t you stop annoying famous Neopians and start a guild to gossip your little hearts out together. Okay let me set the record set, I'm married to my work. That's it, my work is my life. And my Pupplyblew, Checkers which I adore to pieces. Who said I had a wife and two snot nosed children? *wink* ”

“Dear Doctor Sloth: I am concerned for my Kougra. He has recently begun to grow large purple lumps all over his face, and has been muttering something about llamas in chicken suits stealing his asparagus. He's never eaten asparagus before. Can you advise me on how to help him?” Thanks a ton, Concerned for her puny Kougra

“Did you try to zap under the lab ray two Neopet staff members and two Lennies at the same time? Shame on you!”

“Did ‘you know who’ really and for real actually Neomail you? Did he? He's my hero, oh please tell me!” Founder of the ‘We love Donna and Adam!’ Guild

“Yes. He said to tell you Neopians ‘no more Draik eggs!’ Whatever that means. Is that a cryptic clue for the Mystery Island plot or possibly a new TCG card coming out?”

“People keep ignoring me? What should I do?” Silent but Deadly

“Next question, please! *coughnewbie* ”

“|)0 j00 |_||||)3|25+4|||)? (4|| 1 |21+3 |/|3554935 1|| 133+?” (0|/||o|_|+3|2 933|

Moo? Why is this language called Elite, when you can’t even read it? OH NO! That must mean, I'm a commoner. Well this language can't be as bad as Latin. *shivers*

“Heh heh. You know the cure you gave for a big ego? I have another one. Noremac9!!!” Obsessed Stalking Fan Girl

“What is with all the stalking fan girls? Hahah! I'll tell that to Stoneman3x, he's a good buddy of mine. Yo, Stone my man, how about another round of drinks at the Golden Dubloon this weekend! I’ll pay! :) Nah, Noremac rocks too!”

“Dear Dr Sloth, There's this Striped Shoyru going around saying that advice columns are her turf and you shouldn't be writing them. Should I buy the green Mynci plushie or the Yellow one?” The same Confused Kid from Roxy's article

“About the plushie thing, I say go with the green one. Green goes with everything, darling! Why don't Neopet make honeydew coloured plushies? Whatever Roxy didn’t pick. Opposites attract, you know. :P I must admit she is one pretty Shoyru, I have to hand it to her. She would win hands down for Neopia’s Prettiest Advice Columnist. If there is no such award, someone should make one.”

“How tight is the security at the Space Station jail?” Nuts and Bolts

“Basically put it this way, I can escape anytime I want. I’m too lazy to hop the back fence.”

“I think my Aisha is secretly plotting world domination and I think she is way too young. I want to know the vital signs of her doing it, so I can stop her.” Carmen Ghetme

“Awwww, what a dedicated fan! They have decided to follow in my footsteps with what I did when I was younger! You go girl!
Signs your Aisha is plotting world domination to look out for (Not that I think you should stop her but anyway.)
-Behind your Kauvara Sofa you find a forged passport and blue prints of their master plan.
-Your Aisha reads your Neopian Times newspaper in the morning and carefully reads the Comics and Articles section for ‘coded’ messages.
-Your Aisha is now sleeping only 19 hours a day, instead of the usual 22.
-Aisha Chow is spilled on your NeoHome floor spells out "Leave the door open before you leave."
-When your Aisha now only enjoys being patted on the fur by bald evil villains such as myself.
-Your Aisha appears to be notably absent from home during a surprise invasion of Aishas who flood Faerieland.
-When you enter the room your Aisha stops whatever they are doing and starts playing with their Neonip toy mouse.
-Somehow, you're now subscribed to ‘Cat-ch me if you can’ magazine. ”

“How come Ghost Neopets can get hurt in the Battledome?” Ghost Writer

“You can still see the pet. *coughliketheinvisiblepaintbrush*”

“Do you like toilet humour?!” Potty Mouth

“Booyeah! I mean, who told you?! Plushieowner has a weakness for it too.

Plushieowner: *walks into the room where Sloth is* No, I don’t!

Sloth: Yes, she does! She even has a dung shrine devoted to the old editor. Also one of her Neopian Times goals is to have one thing published devoted to dung.

Plushieowner: *blushes* Okay, I admit it. It is all true. You laugh now but wait and see. Its going to be a spectacular! I think I’ll call it ‘All That Dung! The Musical!’

Sloth: *coughlamecoughstupid* Wait a minute! I thought you were on that two week holiday in Mystery Island? Oops!

Plushieowner: I was but I came back early. There are too many tourists on the island because of the Mystery Island plot. Heheh. Look what I got you! *gives Sloth a T-shirt with the words ‘I went to Mystery Island and all I got was this lousy T-shirt’ *

Sloth: (sarcastically) Great! Just what I always needed. You shouldn’t have. Um by the way, I have something to tell you. I raided your inbox while you were away.

Plushieowner: WHAT!?! *runs after Sloth with a rolled up Neopian Times and starts thwapping him* Give me my Neomail inbox back!!!!

Sloth: Never!!!! Mwhahahaha !!!!”

Author’s Note that doubt anyone will bother to scroll to the bottom of the article for: If you would like me to answer any questions or give you some advice, drop me a line via Neomail. I still have got a hold over Plushieowner’s inbox and don’t plan to give it back for at least week. I would love to know what you humans, think of my article.
Who knows there may be another article. *wink* I won’t Roxy get the last piece of advice in, if you know what I mean.

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