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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 14th day of Eating, Yr 26
The Neopian Times Week 108 > Articles > Neoschool Back To School Night

Neoschool Back To School Night

by stoneman3x

NEOSCHOOL - Back to school. Those three little words have struck fear in the hearts of thousands of kids since before the Fire Faerie was just a little spark Faerie. But here in Neopia, and definitely for the first time in the universe, school is something everyone is waiting for with breathless anticipation. That's probably because WE don't have to go; our Neopets do. And you can't go back to school until you have experienced one vital event, "Back To School Night".

If you aren't familiar with the term, Back To School Night is an orientation meeting where you get to meet your teachers. So that's what I did. I dragged my Neopets, kicking and screaming, I might add, to meet their teachers. It was wickedly fun to be the dragger rather than being the draggee for once. Since your pets obviously deleted the Neomail that the Neoschool sent you about Back To School Night before you could read it, I'll tell you exactly what happened.

When we arrived, we took a seat in the first row of the auditorium because those were the seats nobody wanted. We had to sit there because we arrived late. And we arrived late because I had three Neopets to drag there and only two hands. Eight teachers sat in seats lined up in a row on the stage. A blue Lenny rose and approached the podium. He was wearing the kind of plaid jacket that makes your eyes spin if you stare at it too long.

"Good evening, my name is Dr. Ballard. We drew straws and I lost... err... was elected to introduce your teachers. Each one will tell you a little about the courses they are teaching. If you have any questions, please ask them at the end of the orientation..."

Every hand, paw, claw, talon, flipper, wing and hoof in the audience shot up into the air, including mine. The Lenny stared at us in surprise for a moment. A blue Elephante in a drab brown dress rose to her feet from her chair behind the Lenny. She gave us a withering glare.

"Do that again, and all of you comedians will have detention for a week," she said in a booming voice.

All of the appendages in the audience shot down.

"Ummm... thank you, Miss Matthews, for those words to... live by..." Dr. Ballard said haltingly.

The Lenny was flustered and must have forgotten what he was going to say next because he stared up at the ceiling and started moving his beak like he was talking to himself. Then he looked at a stack of index cards he was holding and frantically flipped through his notes. The blue Elephante hissed sternly at him.


"Ah, yes..." Dr. Ballard said as if he had remembered all by himself. "Good evening, my name is Dr. Ballard. We drew straws and I lost... err... was elected to introduce your teachers. Each one will tell you a little about the courses they are teaching. If you have any questions, please ask them at the end of the orientation..."

Every eyeball in the audience rolled.

"I teach Basic Mathematics," he continued. "I am..." The Lenny shuffled through his notes again. "... Dr. Ballard. During the first part of the term I will cover basic addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. All Neopets will be required to know their times tables by the end of half-term. The lessons will become more challenging during the latter course of the term when we progress to formula and shape. The final exam is on the 9th day of Celebrating, which is very appropriate, isn't it?" he added with a chuckle.

Nobody laughed.

"Final exam... celebrating?" he echoed, trying to prod us into reacting to his joke.

Several Lennies in the crowd took pity on him and snickered slightly. He beamed like he had just won a Maths Nightmare trophy.

"Any questions?" he asked.

"I have a question," a familiar voice from behind me spoke. It was Noremac9. "It's about Neopian Times Issue 3..."

"Neopian times issue 3 would be written as (n) x (i)³ but that's Algebra and I don't teach that in Basic Mathematics," Dr. Ballard said confidently. "Any more questions?"

The silence was deafening.

"Excellent!" Dr. Ballard said with a sigh of relief. "In that case, I will turn the podium over to Mr. Noakes."

A blue Tonu sporting a green bowtie walked up to the podium and spoke into the microphone.

"Hello, I'm Mr. Noakes and I teach Starting Science. The first part of the term will be spent learning about weights and measurement. There will be a field trip to Meri Acres Farm where your Neopet will learn about petpets and crops, in particular potato and turnip farming. After half-term there will be a school science competition where one lucky student can win their own microscope!"

Before he even finished speaking, Tdyan's hand was in the air.

"Will my pet win?" she said with a proud glance at her cloud Gelert.

"Is your pet a Tonu?" the Tonu asked.


"Well, second prize is very nice too," he replied with a pleasant smile.

He then turned and motioned to a red Pteri. She rose quickly from her seat and strode to the podium. The microphone whistled loudly when she tapped on it to test it. She waited for a moment for all of us to come out from underneath our chairs before she spoke.

"Good evening," she said crisply. "My name is Mrs. Owen and I will be instructing your Neopet in Grammar and Language. The entire term will cover sentence structure and the use of nouns, adjectives, adverbs, conjunctions, prepositions and pronouns. Any student who comes to my class without a pencil and paper will be sent home immediately."

Even before she said anything, I knew what Oddhatter's question was going to be.

"Ummm... teach?" Oddhatter said, slowly sticking one finger in the air. "What if, like... you know... you were really busy and stuff and didn't have time to build your NeoHome? Like if you don't really have one?"

The Pteri peered over her glasses and asked, "To whom have I the pleasure of addressing?"

The moment Mrs. Owens used the word "whom" we all knew we were in deep trouble.

"Ummm... Oddhatter..."

"Well, Miss Hatter, I am assuming that you wish to ask a question. However, since you have not formulated a grammatically correct question for me, I cannot give you an answer. But I will give you this word of advice. If I were you, I would buy a LOT of Wobbly Pens." Mrs. Owens then turned her attention to the purple Lupe behind her. "You may speak now, Mr. Lupid, and may the Faerie Queen help us all."

The purple Lupe fairly galloped to the podium. Not only was the smock he was wearing splattered with paint, but his beret and his face were speckled with paint too. I knew I was going to like him when I noticed his fur was tied back in a ponytail.

"Hi there! I'm Mr. Lupid, the Learning Art teacher. I haven't a clue why my class is called 'Learning Art' since you're supposed to be 'doing' art, but oh, well. In my class students will learn about the use of shape and color. The term will start with finger painting! Won't that be fun? When we have mastered the skill of painting our fingers, we will progress on to charcoal sketches and pencil drawing by the end of half-term. I know learning to draw pencils will be a little tricky, but I'm sure you will all get the hang of it! The second half of the term will explore the use of textiles and clay. There will also be a school art competition with Neopoint prizes!"

My fire Lupe actually raised his paw to ask a question. I wasn't surprised. My Lupe only paid attention to other Lupes. It must be some sort of Lupe-thing.

"I just read this book on art..." Stonewolf3x began.

Mr. Lupin cut him off with a winning smile and a wave of his paw.

"Oh, I know what you mean! I've red art books too! I've also greened, blued and yellowed them, which is why I highly recommend book covers in my class!"

The purple Lupe galloped back to his chair before my fire Lupe could actually ask his question. Miss Matthews, the intimidating blue Elephante, strode up to the podium next.

"My name is Miss Matthews," she said in a voice loud enough to be heard in Tyrannia. "My class is designed to teach students common spelling mistakes and how to avoid them. And you WILL avoid them," she said, glaring at us. "Simple rhymes and ditties will be taught so you will be able to spell almost anything correctly if you just try hard enough. And you WILL try hard enough," she added, with an even more fierce glare. "Any questions?"

Not only did no one raise their hand to ask a question, but we all slumped down in our seats so she wouldn't call on us just to see if we were paying attention.

The Elephante snorted in satisfaction and returned to her seat. Next up was a very young-looking Zafara in a flowing black robe. He had a vial in his paw that was actively bubbling.

"Mr. Leer is my name and Potion Brewing Basics is my game!" he said with a... well... leer. "I will be taking your Neopet through the basic components of spells and where to find the ingredients. One third of this class will be spent doing practical experiments such as this one," he said, holding the foaming, seething vial up in the air for us to see. The mixture sloshed on his paw and he immediately disappeared.

A yellow Kau strode up to the podium and said, "Thank you for that lovely demonstration, Mr. Leer. I'm sure your trip back from the Virtupets Space Station will be as nice as it was the last time. Anyway, I'm Miss Stryke and I'm the Physical Education teacher. I will be teaching your Neopet a variety of sports designed to promote ball skills, balance, proper breathing techniques and team spirit while on skis. There is a ski trip to Terror Mountain planned during the latter part of the term. And next term I will be teaching Basic Geography also. There is a field trip to Terror Mountain planned during the latter part of the term, where we will study the geography of Terror Mountain while skiing through the countryside."

Laurensama raised her hand timidly and the Kau pointed to her.

"You plan to teach ball skills while on skis?" Laurensama asked with a confused look on her face.

"Of course."

"Are you part Usul?"

Miss Stryke placed the whistle she was wearing around her neck to her lips and gave a loud, shrill blast.

"Unnecessary roughness!" she bellowed. "Two minutes in the penalty box!"

The Kau pointed to a large cardboard box in the front of the stage. Laurensama rose slowly to her feet, walked over to the box and climbed in. By the time she had done this, a pretty brown Wocky had approached the podium.

"Hello! I'm Mrs. Green," she said brightly. I teach Early Neopian History. My class is aimed to give a brief overview of life in early Neopia. Where did Neopets get food before the shops existed? What did the first houses look like? When did Neopoints get introduced? If you have the answers to any of these questions, please Neomail me right away so I can have them before Neoschool starts. Thanks so much!"

She turned and fairly skipped back to her seat. There was a strange silence in the audience. Dr. Ballard stepped back up to the microphone.

"Good evening, my name is Dr. Ballard. We drew straws and I lost... err... was elected to introduce your teachers. Each one will tell you a little about the courses they are teaching. If you have any questions, please ask them at the end of the orientation..."

"Conclusion!" Miss Matthews hissed.

"Ummm... yes... so this concludes tonight's Back To School Night orientation. We thank you all for coming and look forward to seeing you on the first day of... on the first day of..." The Lenny began to flip through his note cards.

"School!" all of the teachers hissed in unison.

So there you have it. That's exactly what happened. Aren't you sorry now that you missed it?

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