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NEOSCHOOL - Back to school. Those three little words have struck fear in the hearts
of thousands of kids since before the Fire Faerie was just a little spark Faerie.
But here in Neopia, and definitely for the first time in the universe, school
is something everyone is waiting for with breathless anticipation. That's probably
because WE don't have to go; our Neopets do. And you can't go back to school until
you have experienced one vital event, "Back To School Night".
If you aren't familiar with the term, Back To School Night is an orientation
meeting where you get to meet your teachers. So that's what I did. I dragged
my Neopets, kicking and screaming, I might add, to meet their teachers. It was
wickedly fun to be the dragger rather than being the draggee for once. Since
your pets obviously deleted the Neomail that the Neoschool sent you about Back
To School Night before you could read it, I'll tell you exactly what happened.
When we arrived, we took a seat in the first row of the auditorium because
those were the seats nobody wanted. We had to sit there because we arrived late.
And we arrived late because I had three Neopets to drag there and only two hands.
Eight teachers sat in seats lined up in a row on the stage. A blue Lenny rose
and approached the podium. He was wearing the kind of plaid jacket that makes
your eyes spin if you stare at it too long.
"Good evening, my name is Dr. Ballard. We drew straws and I lost... err...
was elected to introduce your teachers. Each one will tell you a little about
the courses they are teaching. If you have any questions, please ask them at
the end of the orientation..."
Every hand, paw, claw, talon, flipper, wing and hoof in the audience shot
up into the air, including mine. The Lenny stared at us in surprise for a moment.
A blue Elephante in a drab brown dress rose to her feet from her chair behind
the Lenny. She gave us a withering glare.
"Do that again, and all of you comedians will have detention for a week,"
she said in a booming voice.
All of the appendages in the audience shot down.
"Ummm... thank you, Miss Matthews, for those words to... live by..." Dr. Ballard
said haltingly.
The Lenny was flustered and must have forgotten what he was going to say next
because he stared up at the ceiling and started moving his beak like he was
talking to himself. Then he looked at a stack of index cards he was holding
and frantically flipped through his notes. The blue Elephante hissed sternly
at him.
"Introductions!"
"Ah, yes..." Dr. Ballard said as if he had remembered all by himself. "Good
evening, my name is Dr. Ballard. We drew straws and I lost... err... was elected
to introduce your teachers. Each one will tell you a little about the courses
they are teaching. If you have any questions, please ask them at the end of
the orientation..."
Every eyeball in the audience rolled.
"I teach Basic Mathematics," he continued. "I am..." The Lenny shuffled through
his notes again. "... Dr. Ballard. During the first part of the term I will
cover basic addition, subtraction, multiplication and division. All Neopets
will be required to know their times tables by the end of half-term. The lessons
will become more challenging during the latter course of the term when we progress
to formula and shape. The final exam is on the 9th day of Celebrating, which
is very appropriate, isn't it?" he added with a chuckle.
Nobody laughed.
"Final exam... celebrating?" he echoed, trying to prod us into reacting to
his joke.
Several Lennies in the crowd took pity on him and snickered slightly. He beamed
like he had just won a Maths Nightmare trophy.
"Any questions?" he asked.
"I have a question," a familiar voice from behind me spoke. It was Noremac9.
"It's about Neopian Times Issue 3..."
"Neopian times issue 3 would be written as (n) x (i)³ but that's Algebra and
I don't teach that in Basic Mathematics," Dr. Ballard said confidently. "Any
more questions?"
The silence was deafening.
"Excellent!" Dr. Ballard said with a sigh of relief. "In that case, I will
turn the podium over to Mr. Noakes."
A blue Tonu sporting a green bowtie walked up to the podium and spoke into
the microphone.
"Hello, I'm Mr. Noakes and I teach Starting Science. The first part of the
term will be spent learning about weights and measurement. There will be a field
trip to Meri Acres Farm where your Neopet will learn about petpets and crops,
in particular potato and turnip farming. After half-term there will be a school
science competition where one lucky student can win their own microscope!"
Before he even finished speaking, Tdyan's hand was in the air.
"Will my pet win?" she said with a proud glance at her cloud Gelert.
"Is your pet a Tonu?" the Tonu asked.
"No..."
"Well, second prize is very nice too," he replied with a pleasant smile.
He then turned and motioned to a red Pteri. She rose quickly from her seat
and strode to the podium. The microphone whistled loudly when she tapped on
it to test it. She waited for a moment for all of us to come out from underneath
our chairs before she spoke.
"Good evening," she said crisply. "My name is Mrs. Owen and I will be instructing
your Neopet in Grammar and Language. The entire term will cover sentence structure
and the use of nouns, adjectives, adverbs, conjunctions, prepositions and pronouns.
Any student who comes to my class without a pencil and paper will be sent home
immediately."
Even before she said anything, I knew what Oddhatter's question was going
to be.
"Ummm... teach?" Oddhatter said, slowly sticking one finger in the air. "What
if, like... you know... you were really busy and stuff and didn't have time
to build your NeoHome? Like if you don't really have one?"
The Pteri peered over her glasses and asked, "To whom have I the pleasure
of addressing?"
The moment Mrs. Owens used the word "whom" we all knew we were in deep trouble.
"Ummm... Oddhatter..."
"Well, Miss Hatter, I am assuming that you wish to ask a question. However,
since you have not formulated a grammatically correct question for me, I cannot
give you an answer. But I will give you this word of advice. If I were you,
I would buy a LOT of Wobbly Pens." Mrs. Owens then turned her attention to the
purple Lupe behind her. "You may speak now, Mr. Lupid, and may the Faerie Queen
help us all."
The purple Lupe fairly galloped to the podium. Not only was the smock he was
wearing splattered with paint, but his beret and his face were speckled with
paint too. I knew I was going to like him when I noticed his fur was tied back
in a ponytail.
"Hi there! I'm Mr. Lupid, the Learning Art teacher. I haven't a clue why my
class is called 'Learning Art' since you're supposed to be 'doing' art, but
oh, well. In my class students will learn about the use of shape and color.
The term will start with finger painting! Won't that be fun? When we have mastered
the skill of painting our fingers, we will progress on to charcoal sketches
and pencil drawing by the end of half-term. I know learning to draw pencils
will be a little tricky, but I'm sure you will all get the hang of it! The second
half of the term will explore the use of textiles and clay. There will also
be a school art competition with Neopoint prizes!"
My fire Lupe actually raised his paw to ask a question. I wasn't surprised.
My Lupe only paid attention to other Lupes. It must be some sort of Lupe-thing.
"I just read this book on art..." Stonewolf3x began.
Mr. Lupin cut him off with a winning smile and a wave of his paw.
"Oh, I know what you mean! I've red art books too! I've also greened, blued
and yellowed them, which is why I highly recommend book covers in my class!"
The purple Lupe galloped back to his chair before my fire Lupe could actually
ask his question. Miss Matthews, the intimidating blue Elephante, strode up
to the podium next.
"My name is Miss Matthews," she said in a voice loud enough to be heard in
Tyrannia. "My class is designed to teach students common spelling mistakes and
how to avoid them. And you WILL avoid them," she said, glaring at us. "Simple
rhymes and ditties will be taught so you will be able to spell almost anything
correctly if you just try hard enough. And you WILL try hard enough," she added,
with an even more fierce glare. "Any questions?"
Not only did no one raise their hand to ask a question, but we all slumped
down in our seats so she wouldn't call on us just to see if we were paying attention.
The Elephante snorted in satisfaction and returned to her seat. Next up was
a very young-looking Zafara in a flowing black robe. He had a vial in his paw
that was actively bubbling.
"Mr. Leer is my name and Potion Brewing Basics is my game!" he said with a...
well... leer. "I will be taking your Neopet through the basic components of
spells and where to find the ingredients. One third of this class will be spent
doing practical experiments such as this one," he said, holding the foaming,
seething vial up in the air for us to see. The mixture sloshed on his paw and
he immediately disappeared.
A yellow Kau strode up to the podium and said, "Thank you for that lovely
demonstration, Mr. Leer. I'm sure your trip back from the Virtupets Space Station
will be as nice as it was the last time. Anyway, I'm Miss Stryke and I'm the
Physical Education teacher. I will be teaching your Neopet a variety of sports
designed to promote ball skills, balance, proper breathing techniques and team
spirit while on skis. There is a ski trip to Terror Mountain planned during
the latter part of the term. And next term I will be teaching Basic Geography
also. There is a field trip to Terror Mountain planned during the latter part
of the term, where we will study the geography of Terror Mountain while skiing
through the countryside."
Laurensama raised her hand timidly and the Kau pointed to her.
"You plan to teach ball skills while on skis?" Laurensama asked with a confused
look on her face.
"Of course."
"Are you part Usul?"
Miss Stryke placed the whistle she was wearing around her neck to her lips
and gave a loud, shrill blast.
"Unnecessary roughness!" she bellowed. "Two minutes in the penalty box!"
The Kau pointed to a large cardboard box in the front of the stage. Laurensama
rose slowly to her feet, walked over to the box and climbed in. By the time
she had done this, a pretty brown Wocky had approached the podium.
"Hello! I'm Mrs. Green," she said brightly. I teach Early Neopian History.
My class is aimed to give a brief overview of life in early Neopia. Where did
Neopets get food before the shops existed? What did the first houses look like?
When did Neopoints get introduced? If you have the answers to any of these questions,
please Neomail me right away so I can have them before Neoschool starts. Thanks
so much!"
She turned and fairly skipped back to her seat. There was a strange silence
in the audience. Dr. Ballard stepped back up to the microphone.
"Good evening, my name is Dr. Ballard. We drew straws and I lost... err...
was elected to introduce your teachers. Each one will tell you a little about
the courses they are teaching. If you have any questions, please ask them at
the end of the orientation..."
"Conclusion!" Miss Matthews hissed.
"Ummm... yes... so this concludes tonight's Back To School Night orientation.
We thank you all for coming and look forward to seeing you on the first day
of... on the first day of..." The Lenny began to flip through his note cards.
"School!" all of the teachers hissed in unison.
So there you have it. That's exactly what happened. Aren't you sorry now that
you missed it?
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