Keeping Away the Scary Folk by noremac9 |  |
NEOHOME NEIGHBORHOOD - Ever been walking late at night, mere yards from your NeoHome,
and then... "Clip, clop, clip, clop..."-- the sound of hellish horsemen! Or possibly
the Uni that lives next door, but hey, it could just as easily be hellish horsemen.
Could be a giant Minotaur, too, or a an evil mage mirroring the sound of a faraway
Moehog! Why, it could be the GHOST of an malignant Ixi, long since past, but returning
to strike fear once more! The fact that you're hearing hoof-clopping means that
your very life is more than likely threatened! And how much safety does you NeoHome
really lend? Well, that's what your old buddy Noremac is here for-- I'm
going to teach you how to secure your NeoHome for every kind of onslaught, be
it straight from your deepest nightmares, or slightly irritating. Overlook the
fact that I don't even have a lot, much less a NeoHome.
Criminals
Keeping criminals away is probably the number one thing people try to do.
They eat, they sleep, they work on keeping the criminals out. Unfortunately,
this usually means that they have no time to keep a job, or make any money,
so there only asset is a criminal protection system. So if they ever do get
robbed, and the crook is successful, all he can lift is the device attempting
to keep him out. Now that's what you call irony. But that's all aside the ominous
point.
I've found the best way to keep criminals out is to give away all material
possessions. Keep only one thing -- a one room, totally empty, cardboard NeoHome.
If someone robs you, they are guaranteed to cry, stomp their feet, say something
not-so-nice, and leave. What more can you ask for?
If you want to keep ALL your stuff, and be safe (you greedy miser!), there
are other options. One is to build your NeoHome entirely out of Jelly, then
put a sign in the front saying, "Welcome to Jelly World." Since Jelly World,
uh, "doesn't exist" (WINK-WINK, COUGH-COUGH), neither would your house! And
how can someone steal from something that doesn't even exist? Of course, if
they didn't exist... oh no, that wouldn't work -- then all the robbers that
don't exist will be able to steal from your non-existent house. New plan.
Your next best bet is to put a Disco Toilet in your foyer. This will more
than likely render them temporarily blind. Or permanently blind. It could also
give them the need to reboot their brain. Any way you put it, you win. The disadvantage
is you have to... yeah... in your foyer, and that you will be equally blinded.
Permanently.
Evil Beings
The other thing people really don't like is evil beings. Personally, I never
have seen anything wrong with a bloodthirsty giant, straight from the depths
of Hades, in search of wanton satisfaction. He probably just wants a hug. But
for all you not-so-nice-kind-of-mean-and-sort-of-ornary-towards-monsters people,
we have plenty of advice to help you.
I like the good ol' "Light of a Thousand Suns" trick, myself. See, the "Light
of a Thousand Suns" is an ancient artifact, hidden away for a dozen millennia
by the powers that created the world. It's actually a lot easier to get than
it sounds -- just go to the den of Darkshornak, King of Bonereaper, and slay
his guard, Bragnork, enchanted with the greatest power of all the beasts ever
to roam the barren plains. Then enter the secret passage the beast guards, pass
through the waterfall of sure and sudden pain, through the lake of fire, out
the passage of tragedy, up the ladder of mishap, into the cradle of darkness,
and then fight the Guardian of All That Has Passed, Will Pass, and Does Exist.
When he's vanquished, enter the tomb of assimilation, grab the little night-light,
and get out of there. Pretty easy, all in all. With this light, all evil shall
be forced to turn away. The light is powerful enough to illuminate a 10 by 12
foot room. Hope you have a small NeoHome! Nice crusade, though.
Option number two, however, is a bit simpler, just much more expensive. Put
torches in your NeoHome and build it out of stone. Keep a few attack forks lying
around, plus some funny armor. Then, whenever you see something suspicious cry,
"A CALL TO ARMS! ALL PEASANTS RALLY!" Hopefully, a bunch of your friends will
come and grab everything, then rush that mother and get it out of there. Note
that it really helps if you live in Meridell, due to the general spirit of "Charge
the Dragon!" there. Also, it's really, really, really helpful if you're the
king of Meridell when taking this approach.
Fans
Some people really wish they had fans. Some people really wish they didn't.
However, almost without fail, those that wish they did don't, and those that
wish they didn't do. So for the latter, who have creepy old guys approaching
them on a regular basis, let's talk about having a fan-secure home.
Usually, what happens is that you're walking in your yard, and then all of
the sudden you hear, "WAIIIIII! IT'SYOUIT'SYOUIT'SYOUOMGOMGOMOGM!" Generally,
this is the part where you run. However, if you use the below method, you can
just stay inside and continue sipping your Festering Coffee.
Make a cardboard cut-out of yourself. Yes, you do have to take a picture of
yourself, and then look at it as it gets printed, so that can be a pretty painful
process. Next, position is somewhere in your yard-- probably right in front
of a Blood Mole Plant. Then, just add the finishing touches. Like a tape-recorder
saying, "Howdy, Neighbor!" or "Bizzomb to the mizzle, Homie!" or whatever floats
your Super Toy Sailboat. Just something you usually say ("I'm with stupid!"
and "Ugga gal glurg!" are both good choices, too). Then, when they run and jump
on you, the cardboard falls over, they land on the plant, and you snicker evilly
as they struggle for life, safely indoors. Warning: if you are a renowned
writer for the blind and deaf, your fans will probably miss the cardboard cut-out,
and continue walking. But in that case you don't have anything to worry
about anyway. Also, if they see your look-alike from the side, well, unless
you're a cartoon, you're probably in deep and stinky dung.
Relatives
From the darkest depths of the darkest abyss, comes the darkest incarnation
of evil-- the relative. A relative, for those who are living in the darkest
abyss, is someone who only shows up when you're really busy, raises cane if
you can't see them, eats your food, sleeps in your beds, stays as long as they
like, and does it all for free against your will! Such parasitic monsters should
have been stamped out many ages ago, but sometimes evil cannot be vanquished
so easily.
See, relatives are merciless in there hounding. They act like it's all about
you -- "We wanna see ya," "Missed you, sugar-pie!" "Thought we'd drop by to
see how you're doing. Nice place!" and so forth. However, you may notice that
their persistence increases when you live on Mystery Island, and severely decreases
when you live in the Haunted Woods. However, it can't be YOU becoming more enjoyable,
and less enjoyable (of course, sometimes worried about getting eaten by stuff
from nightmares can dampen your spirits, and sipping cocktails on the beach
can make you happier.) So that only leaves location, location, location. So
relatives can basically be considered Locale-Leeches -- creatures who come if
they like where you live, and inhabit YOUR home. But I think I've got the point
across. We must get rid of them now.
Option one is to move into a damp and sickeningly dirty dungeon of eternal
pain. No one will "Miss you, sugar-pie!" anymore, for some odd reason. Option
two, of course, is to be your own parent. This means that you came from nowhere,
have no relations, and no ancestors. While it's a great idea, it will cause
many peoples' heads to implode. This can actually be quite amusing. But your
overall best bet is to change addresses and never tell anyone again. So what
if you miss all that great food at the 'reunions' (read: torture), you'll be
safe from the invaders.
And of course, if they keep tracking you down, do what this guy did. I imagine it worked.
Visitors
Some people just don't want people to come by there house. Period. At all.
In which case, this section is for you -- the hermit!
The best way to begin hermit-dom is to buy a Seasonal Attack Pea. Then, place
it in a giant sling and hurl it 400 miles away. Guaranteed, and without fail
-- which is are same things -- all of your neighbors will run all the way there
and search until they've found it. More than likely, it will land in a small
swamp, be swallowed by a Mortog, and never found. This will keep them looking
for some time. Hence giving you instant peace and quiet.
If you don't have 20 million NPs hidden in a shoe box, that's okay. There
are other options. You can just put a bunch of Dung furniture in your house
-- and a fire place. Eeeeew. I don't even want to think about that. Or you can
build your NeoHome from stone, and put no door! This is sure to result in slow
and painful starvation, but no one but spelunkers will want in.
And if all else fails, which it probably will, move onto some mountain, for
Fyora's sake!
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