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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 14th day of Eating, Yr 26
The Neopian Times Week 101 > Articles > Living the Natural Life

Living the Natural Life

by bluescorchio104

Neopets, this article is written for you, not your owners. But if caring owners feel like reading this so they can take better care of their pets, go ahead.

SOMEWHERE IN THE WILDERNESS - Just kidding, people. Look below for the real location of this reporter. No, not below the screen, below this line of writing!

NEOPIA CENTRAL PHARMACY- In Neopia, conventional medicine is everywhere. Pills, pills, more pills and Neopkins are often seen as the only way to cure yourself of Neopia's many illnesses. Tired of owners jabbing you in the arm to rid them of Neomites? Sick of donning thick, nerdy goggles, which look like blowtorch safety gear? Fed up with eating strange, glowing fungus?

Well, Neopian alternative medicine has the answer to all these problems, and more. (And for you radical oddball types, find a new owner, get a fashion consultant and find a better restaurant respectively)

In this article, with the blessing of all the qualified naturopaths in Neopia (there are none, if you're wondering), I'll guide you through Neopian alternative medicine.

Acupuncture

Practiced by only the finest masters in the Neopian Orient, Neopian acupuncture has evolved from a crude practice involving painfully sticking sharp thingies into your body, into a skilful practice involving painfully sticking sharp thingies into your body. The earliest acupuncturists, Neopets wielding Splykes, have refined this practice into an art form, as well as a medical practice. The art form is called 'see-how-loud-I-can-make-this-patient-yell-ism' or alternately, 'see-how-much-agony-I-can-inflict-ism'. The medical practice is referred to as acupuncture. Note the 'puncture' part of the word acupuncture.

These days, acupuncturists use Cobrall daggers, and for larger patients, swords of Domar or for those who are both large and rich, swords of the Air Faerie. Traditional acupuncturists prefer to use specially trained Splykes.

Aromatherapy

A relatively new practice in Neopia, aromatherapy is all the rage these days. However, until decent candles are created, avid supporters of this practice have cleverly improvised, using dung as a substitute. The methane fumes burn nicely, I'm told. Seeing as the word 'aroma' commonly implies a nice fragrance, some practitioners have appropriately renamed it odourtherapy. This practice is booming in both Meridell and Neopia Central- the former because of the abundance of piles of dung everywhere, and the latter because of the abundance of piles of dung at the Money Tree.

Odourtherapy is especially useful for treating Sneezles, as after prolonged sessions, the patient's nostrils seal up, supposedly due to some biological mechanism reacting to the pong. Unfortunately, the mucus glands still produce their, uh, product, leading to periodic ejection of snot from other facial orifices, such as the mouth, or in extreme cases, ears or even tear ducts.

Massage

This is mainly practised by dextrous, muscular Myncis, who are accompanied by Mirgle assistants. However, recently there has been a splinter group of Bruces who purport to masseurs, although they take the rather unusual method of using fish in their massage, repeatedly smacking the whole fish onto the patients. This is said it be particularly good for getting the kinks out of your back, although I think the Bruces just do it so they can eat the fish afterwards.

This next section concentrates less on the general natural healing remedies of Neopia, and more on some specific cures. Well, maybe not always cures, but rather ways to turn a seemingly bad disease into a positive, productive one.

Bloaty Belly- Being bloated all the time seems a good idea to me. No expensive food to worry about, no worrying about hurrying to the Giant Omelette every day…hey, but what do I know? If you ask me, repeatedly sitting on the stomach of the afflicted Neopet ought to flatten them out somewhat. Preferably with a Skeith -- just be sure to get one that isn't too lazy to get off.

Shock-A-Lots- Just paint yourself Electric, and convince people you have magical electric powers! Muhahahaha!

Watery Eyes- Use this sickness to produce Bottles Of Water. Alternately, become a sad clown- people everywhere will congratulate you on your convincing performances. Or sit in front of the Money Tree, pretending to be a dirt-poor beggar- guaranteed to be a healthy income, even if it is morally wrong, evil, and exploitative of the Neopian public. Which means it probably isn't a good idea.

Neoblues- Why buy one of those expensive Tasty Pies? Buy a Happiness Negg instead! Or, start a great career as a jazz musician.

Floppy Tongue- Use that tongue for all kinds of household needs! Use it to stop draughts from blowing in under the door, or clean mould from the shower recess! Even use it as an emergency rope when climbing out of burning buildings! When you have Floppy Tongue, party tricks are a must!

Cricky Neck- Great practice for looking snobby, for that time in your life when you become a Neopian king, queen, or other assorted royalty! Hold that head high with pride, even if it is only because you can't move it!

NeoMites- Start a Lurgee circus from all the Lurgees hopping around in your fur. Roll up roll up, and see the amazing acrobatic Lurgee! He'll jump through flaming rings, balance on a high wire, even balance several pies on his head! Ooooohhhhh, aaaahhhhh.

Blurred Vision- Use this excuse to get a free Guide-Warf or Guide-Anubis from shopkeepers.

Sneezles- Use all that excess snot to produce snot weapons, which will sell for millions in the Hidden Tower. Just slap the "Meuka's" on somewhere on the tag, and people will fight among themselves just to get one.

D'achoo- Trust me, sneezes will soon become the revolutionary new propulsion system for boats, ships, and nautical vehicles everywhere. Goodbye masts and sails, hello D'achoo!

Grumbles- Use the loud noises coming from your belly to settle riots, or scare small baby Neopets.

Chickaroo- Who wouldn't want to be a chicken? And besides, the crowing at dawn thing will mean alarm clocks are no longer needed.

NeoPhobia- Use this opportunity to catch up on housework.

Hoochie Goochies, Neezles, Itchy Scratchies, Neopox, Neowarts and Lumps- These diseases, like the Grumbles, can be used to scare small Neopets, or play pranks on unsuspecting Neopians.

Bubbles- Great for amusing younger siblings, trust me. They'll be popping those bubbles all day long.

Fuzzy Fungus- Try the unique, soothing experience of being a fungus ball, and be belted around by a Chomby for an energetic kick!

Ugga-Ugga- Become a translator, to interpret for those not fortunate enough to know the intricate code of Uggas, Uggs, and more Uggas that make up the Tyrannian language.

Eh, well we've come to the end of the article. Sure, some of the things mentioned weren't exactly cures, but they were helpful, right? Kind of. Maybe. Well, wishing you and your pineapples the best until next time!


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