Living the Natural Life by bluescorchio104 |  |
Neopets, this article is written for you, not your owners. But if caring
owners feel like reading this so they can take better care of their pets, go
ahead.
SOMEWHERE IN THE WILDERNESS - Just kidding, people. Look below for the real
location of this reporter. No, not below the screen, below this line of writing!
NEOPIA CENTRAL PHARMACY- In Neopia, conventional medicine is everywhere. Pills,
pills, more pills and Neopkins are often seen as the only way to cure yourself
of Neopia's many illnesses. Tired of owners jabbing you in the arm to rid them
of Neomites? Sick of donning thick, nerdy goggles, which look like blowtorch
safety gear? Fed up with eating strange, glowing fungus?
Well, Neopian alternative medicine has the answer to all these problems, and more.
(And for you radical oddball types, find a new owner, get a fashion consultant
and find a better restaurant respectively)
In this article, with the blessing of all the qualified naturopaths in Neopia
(there are none, if you're wondering), I'll guide you through Neopian alternative
medicine.
Acupuncture
Practiced by only the finest masters in the Neopian Orient, Neopian acupuncture
has evolved from a crude practice involving painfully sticking sharp thingies
into your body, into a skilful practice involving painfully sticking sharp thingies
into your body. The earliest acupuncturists, Neopets wielding Splykes, have
refined this practice into an art form, as well as a medical practice. The art
form is called 'see-how-loud-I-can-make-this-patient-yell-ism' or alternately,
'see-how-much-agony-I-can-inflict-ism'. The medical practice is referred to
as acupuncture. Note the 'puncture' part of the word acupuncture.
These days, acupuncturists use Cobrall daggers, and for larger patients, swords
of Domar or for those who are both large and rich, swords of the Air Faerie.
Traditional acupuncturists prefer to use specially trained Splykes.
Aromatherapy
A relatively new practice in Neopia, aromatherapy is all the rage these days.
However, until decent candles are created, avid supporters of this practice
have cleverly improvised, using dung as a substitute. The methane fumes burn
nicely, I'm told. Seeing as the word 'aroma' commonly implies a nice fragrance,
some practitioners have appropriately renamed it odourtherapy. This practice
is booming in both Meridell and Neopia Central- the former because of the abundance
of piles of dung everywhere, and the latter because of the abundance of piles
of dung at the Money Tree.
Odourtherapy is especially useful for treating Sneezles, as after prolonged
sessions, the patient's nostrils seal up, supposedly due to some biological
mechanism reacting to the pong. Unfortunately, the mucus glands still produce
their, uh, product, leading to periodic ejection of snot from other facial orifices,
such as the mouth, or in extreme cases, ears or even tear ducts.
Massage
This is mainly practised by dextrous, muscular Myncis, who are accompanied
by Mirgle assistants. However, recently there has been a splinter group of Bruces
who purport to masseurs, although they take the rather unusual method of using
fish in their massage, repeatedly smacking the whole fish onto the patients.
This is said it be particularly good for getting the kinks out of your back,
although I think the Bruces just do it so they can eat the fish afterwards.
This next section concentrates less on the general natural healing remedies
of Neopia, and more on some specific cures. Well, maybe not always cures, but
rather ways to turn a seemingly bad disease into a positive, productive one.
Bloaty Belly- Being bloated all the time seems a good idea to me. No expensive
food to worry about, no worrying about hurrying to the Giant Omelette every
day…hey, but what do I know? If you ask me, repeatedly sitting on the stomach
of the afflicted Neopet ought to flatten them out somewhat. Preferably with
a Skeith -- just be sure to get one that isn't too lazy to get off.
Shock-A-Lots- Just paint yourself Electric, and convince people you have magical
electric powers! Muhahahaha!
Watery Eyes- Use this sickness to produce Bottles Of Water. Alternately, become
a sad clown- people everywhere will congratulate you on your convincing performances.
Or sit in front of the Money Tree, pretending to be a dirt-poor beggar- guaranteed
to be a healthy income, even if it is morally wrong, evil, and exploitative
of the Neopian public. Which means it probably isn't a good idea.
Neoblues- Why buy one of those expensive Tasty Pies? Buy a Happiness Negg instead!
Or, start a great career as a jazz musician.
Floppy Tongue- Use that tongue for all kinds of household needs! Use it to
stop draughts from blowing in under the door, or clean mould from the shower
recess! Even use it as an emergency rope when climbing out of burning buildings!
When you have Floppy Tongue, party tricks are a must!
Cricky Neck- Great practice for looking snobby, for that time in your life
when you become a Neopian king, queen, or other assorted royalty! Hold that
head high with pride, even if it is only because you can't move it!
NeoMites- Start a Lurgee circus from all the Lurgees hopping around in your
fur. Roll up roll up, and see the amazing acrobatic Lurgee! He'll jump through
flaming rings, balance on a high wire, even balance several pies on his head!
Ooooohhhhh, aaaahhhhh.
Blurred Vision- Use this excuse to get a free Guide-Warf or Guide-Anubis from
shopkeepers.
Sneezles- Use all that excess snot to produce snot weapons, which will sell
for millions in the Hidden Tower. Just slap the "Meuka's" on somewhere on the
tag, and people will fight among themselves just to get one.
D'achoo- Trust me, sneezes will soon become the revolutionary new propulsion
system for boats, ships, and nautical vehicles everywhere. Goodbye masts and
sails, hello D'achoo!
Grumbles- Use the loud noises coming from your belly to settle riots, or scare
small baby Neopets.
Chickaroo- Who wouldn't want to be a chicken? And besides, the crowing at dawn
thing will mean alarm clocks are no longer needed.
NeoPhobia- Use this opportunity to catch up on housework.
Hoochie Goochies, Neezles, Itchy Scratchies, Neopox, Neowarts and Lumps- These
diseases, like the Grumbles, can be used to scare small Neopets, or play pranks
on unsuspecting Neopians.
Bubbles- Great for amusing younger siblings, trust me. They'll be popping those
bubbles all day long.
Fuzzy Fungus- Try the unique, soothing experience of being a fungus ball, and
be belted around by a Chomby for an energetic kick!
Ugga-Ugga- Become a translator, to interpret for those not fortunate enough
to know the intricate code of Uggas, Uggs, and more Uggas that make up the Tyrannian
language.
Eh, well we've come to the end of the article. Sure, some of the things mentioned
weren't exactly cures, but they were helpful, right? Kind of. Maybe. Well, wishing
you and your pineapples the best until next time!
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