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Neopia's Fill in the Blank News Source | 14th day of Eating, Yr 26
The Neopian Times Week 99 > Articles > Tiki Attack! : Tacky Tombola

Tiki Attack! : Tacky Tombola

by plushieowner

MYSTERY ISLAND - Though I must admit I admire his determination trying to keep his failing business running instead of just calling it quits and shutting down his shop, is the Tiki Tack Man, a really good role model for Neopians? I don’t think so.

A) The lack of fashion sense. One thing he always seem to wear are overly gaudy tropical T-shirts. It gives the impression he either got caught in a time warp back in the 70s or was painted with a disco paint brush.

I’m not a fashion expert but is retro back? I surely hope not. I hope I won’t live to see the day. Most people can’t bare to go into his shop because of the fluorescent glare from this shirt.

B) Since Tombola is always running out of NPs and he is asking donations to get it back up again. I surely think he has declared bankruptcy several times. Why run it, if you can’t fund it? Not a very good example of being a good, successful businessman.

C) Who could forgot the “most successful shop” in Neopia? Yes, didn’t Tiki Tack win the ‘Best Neopian Business award’ last year ?

What?! You thought I was serious there was a minute ?!?

I’m being really sarcastic! If I bought shares on the shock market in the Tiki Tack Merchandise Shop I would be paying someone to get them off my hands.

One main reason for the failure of his business is the fact is he overprices virtually everything in his shop. It is understandable that he would rather not make a profit than a loss. Though it would be all well and good if his merchandise was useful and well constructed, but to be honest, it is just Tiki Tack-y!

Got Sand? The Tiki Tack Man does and one of the thing he really overcharges for. Who wants to pay 2101 NPs for a Bottle of Black Sand when you can easily pay about 1 NP for the same thing in someone’s shop on the shop wizard.

D) I don’t believe I need a D. I have caught him misleading people... tsk tsk Tiki! Here is the statement on the page for Tiki Tack Tombola.

“Welcome to my Tombola! Great prizes to be won, just put your hand (or paw) in, pick up a Tombola ticket, and see what prize you win. Anything ending with a 0, 2 or 5 is a winner!”

Palm fans, gross food and so on are supposed to be GREAT?!? Nothing says winner like a piece of dung?

Yes, I do realise you can win Faeries and Codestones from Tombola too, but let me ask you how often does that happen. Quite frankly the Tiki Tack Man is a sham.

But the Tiki Tack Man told me in an exclusive interview (which I won’t include in this article because the ‘often cheesy interview type’ article with the Tiki Tack Man has already been done, surely) said “he is planning to change.”

How, you may ask? No, he isn’t dropping the floral shirt.

Though I can reveal his new plans for a new marketing campaign that he hopes to make a comeback. To quote the Tiki Tack Man. “I‘m back and this time it's tropical....

He’s made a new marketing campaign with the slogan “Finding bad service here is like finding a needle in a Tiki Tack”.

I’m sceptical, I personally think his shop won’t do any better than it does now. I wouldn’t be surprised if his shop got destroyed in a new world plot. *wink, wink, nudge, nudge*

He has bought out a new advertising campaign including pamphlets designed to influence people that is his merchandise isn’t completely useless.

A quick flick of the merchandise pamphlet given out at the press conference I attended didn’t convince me either.

Here are my suggestions to add to the pamphlet bought out by the Tiki Tack Man, given out to customers (or should I say potential customers, who buys this stuff?) :

“Finding Uses for Rubbish 101”

Here is a list of possible uses for any useless Tiki Tack Island Merchandise. Yes, the items I sell are absolutely rubbish if you want be too honest to you. I don’t why you bought or were thinking of buying something from me.

Acorn Toy: A favourite toy for a neopet, especially a Usul. Once bored with it (I give this the novelty value of this toy two minutes), becomes a edible chew toy. Not for Neopets under three, though.

Grass Skirt (any colour) : Push your tree and shake your pineapple... or is it the other way around? Make unconventional looking lamp covering to any type of room furnishings.

Bottle of Sand (any colour): Cheap, inexpensive paperweights. Anyone think of anything else that they can be used for?

Cherry Wish Stick: Wave it around, hop three times and chant “I wanna to be rich! I wanna to be rich!” and watch yourself slowly transform into a Christmas pudding.

Oak Wish Stick: Throw it on the ground, dance around it and say “I feel like a piece of asparagus,” and watch yourself transform into a piece of asparagus.

Claw Necklace: For any cool neopet to wear, give the impression “I’m a cool and stylish neopet but claws off! I don’t want a boyfriend or girlfriend! Neodating is gross and against the rules!”

Clay Pot: Use it for target practice for Ultimate Bullseye. Bring out your Archery Set and get shooting...

Clay Vase: You could use for flowers? NAH! Too obvious! Pot breaking is a big event at some parties I have been to...

Coconut God Souvenir: A door wedge that resembles a god, so you can worship the ground and keep a door shut at the time.

Coconut Keyring: Not only does it hold keys, it pokes you in the leg to let you know its still in your pocket! For the little coconut inside all of us....

Cub Tooth: A try and test decoy to catch the Tooth Faerie? (Wonder if lures people to shops?)

Hularoo: Bribe for your sister to clean your room and to do your algebra homework.

Lava lamp: Oooo... pretty bubbles... aren’t this bubbles in this lamp so pretty?! What was I saying? Yes, this item can be used to distract people in the Battledome. While they sit and marvel at the prettiness of this lamp you sneak off with their Jade Scorchstone.

Native Mask: Scare off any remaining Darigan footsoldiers that try to trespass onto your NeoHome land.

Neopets Beachball: Ouch! Watch out with Kougras or other Neopets with sharp claws. Or pop! No more ball! Very light Neopets can use this ball for back exercises to keep fit, if neopet is too heavy the ball might burst.

Official Coconut Mask: Wear it with pride at the next Mystery Island party you gatecrash...

Palm Fan: Make an inexpensive waterproof bikini with multiple palm fans. The Water Faerie has done it in the past? Talk about dressed to krill...

Pickled Olives: Try to pass them off as something edible. Offer them to your someone in your family you don’t like and watch them pull a funny face and say “Yuck!”

Plush Cub: I can think of many uses for it. Can be used to cuddle... nothing else. My favourite piece of Tiki merchandise. Then again, maybe that's because I have brainwashed by an army of plushie Neopets... oops! I said too much...

Sandals: Stick a high heel on them and watch them become the next big thing in fashion...

Souvenir Magnet: Stuff up the transmission of your bratty little brother’s television by running it up and down the television screen.

Toy Sail Boat: A fun little thing you can put in your fishtank for your Baby Blu to play with and hide under. Or you could use multiple Toy Sail boats to have races down a river, but a word of warning, they are single use. These boats aren’t exactly very waterproof, the material is prone to holes and leaks.

Surfboard Keyring: Dangle it in front of a Kadoaties or Angelpii faces, and watch them go berserk.

Tiki Tack Keyring: They are cheap, buy lots of them. Go around to your school and sell them “for charity”. Tell them it is for the Tiki Tack Man because he needs help, and watch people “empty their pockets” full of Neopoints in sympathy.

Then keep the Neopoints, it not your fault the Tiki Tack Man is always going broke. What is there, to worry about? Be careful not to accidentally reveal your scam, you don’t want a bunch of people running after you with pitchforks demanding a refund? Only kidding.

Visor: A handy dandy hat that also doubles as something to shoo flies away.

Volcanic Rock: For any Al_the_chia the scientist wannabe. Take it to ‘Show and Tell’ and fascinate your science teacher. Tell him or her that you acquired it from a Tyrannian volcano that erupted and you risked your life grabbing it. Make your story interesting interesting so you don’t bore your class to sleep, though.

Well, I have reached the end of my article, hope you enjoyed this article! If you enjoyed this article (or totally despised it), feel free to send me any comments, flattery, fanmail (blushes, no I’m kidding! I’m not that good), constructive criticisms or whatever you seem fit to send to me via Neomail.

Also after reading this article, if you have any suggestions for any funny uses of Tombola merchandise I didn’t think of, feel free to send them to me as well. If this idea is popular enough, I may make a whole article devoted to them. I’ll give you credit (with your permission) if I use any of your ideas.

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