Minions 101 by noremac9 |  |
LENNY LIBRARY - There are plenty of guides out there on how to be evil, how to
take over Neopia, how to be an evil overlord, and the like. But the fact of the
matter is that some of us don't have that much ambition. I mean, there can only
be so many overlords, and someone has to do their bidding. You know what they
say-- behind every evil ruler, there's a minion fetching his socks. Never heard
that? Man, you need to get around more. Anyway, point is that a lot of people
would like to be minions, but haven't a clue where to begin. Well, that's what
this guide is for, for people/pet/creatures/blobs who want to know EXACTLY how
to be a minion and how to do it well.
Okay, there are four different categories minions fall into. You either fall
into one, or choose one, take your pick. Some minion positions are better than
others are, and some are harder to get, while others are extremely… painful.
Oh, and don't worry, this isn't becoming a personality test.
If a small petpet came up to you, what would you do? [check one]
A) Ki--
Ehe, I mean, it's REALLY NOT a personality test. Not sure what that was… ehe…
you didn't see that…
The Techno-Wiz
Okay, so basically, this guy's job is to make whatever kind of gadget/evil
death gun/genetically manipulated beast-thing/shiny watch the evil overlord
asks for. And no matter what he asks for, this guy can make it. He always comes
in to a meeting expecting the worst, knowing it's going to be the worst, and
then building it (contrary to what you may be thinking, the best). And then,
he tests them out in this HUGE dome-place, and things explode, and like, then
there are all these little mannequins, and they go like "BOOMBOOMBOOM!" and
then shrapnel goes EVERYWHERE, and there are all these little buzzers going
"WELL DONE-- WELL DONE-- WELL DONE!" and then, like, all these little screen
pop up, and he analyzes the data, and then, he blows some more stuff up like
"BOOMBOOMBOOM!" and the overlord comes in, and he's like… anyway, uh, you get
the point. Oh yeah, and here's this guy's vocabulary, for those who'd like to
practice.
"Okay, this little anti-grav-O-zap should work fine… oh, dung, there goes
Philburt again, floating into the infinity…"
"Eh, sir, there's a little hair on your shoulder there… let me just zap it
with this little pocket thing like so-- oops, there goes your head, ehe."
"See, with this little explosive device-- I'll just put it in your pocket,
like so-- whenever you want, you can detonate yourself with the touch of this
switch right… OOPS… I really didn't mean to destroy you…"
The Little Personal Servant
Okay, first thing's first, you need a disease. It can't just be, say, the
Sneezles, no, it has to be either a genetic defect, or something equally horrible.
If you don't have a genetic defect, like a hunchback, or a lisp, go to the NeoHospital.
Find a pet with a horrible disease, and stay next to him for a few months… you'll
get sick. Then you'll be fit to be the little personal attendant guy. Okay,
so anyway, the job description's basically going "Yeth, Masther..." and then
shuffling around (something we'll get to in a minute). You'll be pulling levers,
pressing buttons, nodding you head, and saying, "Yeth, Masther," A LOT. So get
used to all of the above. Anyway, as promised, here are the highly advanced
instructions to the servant-shuffle.
Right foot forward, don't pick it up. Left foot forward, don't pick it
up. Right foot forward, don't pick it up. Left foot forward, don't pick it up.
If that's too much to think about for some of you, here's the simplified version.
Right foot forward, don't pick it up. Right foot forward, don't pick it
up. Right foot forward, don't pick it up. Right foot forward, don't pick it
up.
Trouble is, you'll be going around, and around, and around… but hey, if you
can't master the other one, what can you do? And here's what you'll end up saying…
A LOT.
"Yeth, Masther,"
"I'll get it, Masther…"
"Here it is, Masther…"
Big Brute
Okay, so not everyone has a hunchback, or a mind for gadgets. And let's face
it-- some of us can't even pronounce the word 'Dur', can't spell eju-kay-shun,
and wouldn't know what intelligence was if it bit us in the face. Well, if you
fit into all the categories above, how the heck are you reading this? You must
mean a FRIEND of yours fits into all those categories. That makes sense. Well,
if they do, here's the job description. The basic idea of being a Brute is to
basically get this ONE idea through your head-- pick up, move, pick up, move.
Master that, young one, and you will go far as a mindless brute. As said above,
you move things. Boxes onto ships, crates up mountains, goats through deserts,
etc. It's a simple life, and a simple job, but for the simple-minded, it's simply
the best. The only trouble is, you're disposable, so don't expect being rescued
or anything… or paid… or given good food… or food, PERIOD. And if your vocabulary's
like this, you'll KNOW this job's for you. I mean, your friend's vocabulary,
because you couldn't possibly read this.
"Grnnnnngh!"
"Uh-gruhng."
"MERFULGRNGHTNEE!"
The Guy With the Weapons
Okay, you knew it was coming. All those guys who come down to Neopia, or out
of Neopia, or are just in Neopia and suddenly pop out, all have guys with weapons.
They've got pointy sticks, shock rods, and some have mega-artillery, but they
all do the same thing-- use weapons to blow stuff up/poke stuff/shock stuff
for someone/something. So if destroying things ruthlessly is the kind of thing
you've been dying to dedicate your life to doing, well, I recommend being this
breed of minion. I also recommend you turn yourself into the Chia Police. But
be warned-- there are always some other guys with pointy sticks poking back,
so this is a HIGH-RISK job. Maybe you should just get a strange fungus and be
a little personal attendant. Also, if you expect to get fame, glory, good pay,
and a nice hammock, a life time supply of Neocola, and that Aisha from Defenders
of Neopia to retire with, guess what? You're really confused. Not the comic,
I mean, you're REALLY really confused. Because the se guys get nothing but the
advantage of beating the dung out of pets and people, and then getting fired
when they're old and weak. No lifetime supply of Neocola, no white Aisha. But
hey, minions can only expect so much… things you're most likely to say are below.
"I feel as if the strategically planning department needs to layoff a few
folks-- WHOSE IDEA WAS IT TO CHARGE HEAD-FIRST INTO THE RAMPAGING FORCES OF
GOOD ARMED WITH NOTHING MORE THAN BARE FISTS, BEARING NO HOPE OF SURVIVAL?"
"I shall poke you with bamboo, you insolent-- whoa, nice… uh, nice… massive
rocket launcher… REINFORCEMENTS PLEASE?!"
"Okay, so my job is to leap off a cliff with a patched-up parachute, open
fire on a small mechanical firing unit, and hope to live? And I'm getting NOTHING
for this but my life spared? And I signed up for this? And-- ahhhh, why'd you
have to push me! Ahhhhhhhhh…"
Okay, so you've gotten an overview of what it's like being a minion. Just
choose your path in life, and serve some freak who gets all the credit without
thinking about you. It's not an easy job being a minion, but hey, it's got to
be worth it… somehow, somehow it must be… I'm sure…
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