A Surviving Player's Guide to Neopia by noremac9 |  |
NEOPIA CENTRAL - In Neopia, life can be tough. Sure, life on any planet's pretty
tough, but Neopia's in its own league when it comes to a rough, tough existence.
Okay, so maybe that's not entirely true-- there's the Tombola, the Healing Springs,
giveaways, free contests, and, well, there's a lot of great stuff. But it's
still a rough place, because if you think it's a nice, happy saunter in the
park, you're sure not to buy our guide, "The Surviving Player's Guide to Neopia,"
the best selling book in Neopia. Right behind a bunch of other books. But anyway,
the point is, if you want to know everything needed to know to survive, you
need to know someone who's got the guide, or better yet, own the guide itself.
The first thing you need to know about Neopia is that the only way to survive
is to get a pet. Without a pet, you can't really do anything. Without a pet,
the only thing to do is Neo. Let's see what the guide has to say about Neo.
The Surviving Player's Guide to Neopia says that Neo is a prefix to the
word "pets". It also says that without a suffix to a prefix, all you have is
a Neo. A Neo is defined as a different way to spell "Oen". No one knows what
Oen means. That's pretty boring. The Surviving Player's Guide to Neopia also
recommends that you get a pet, because that's pretty much what the rest of the
guide is about, and without one, this guide will be irrelevant to you.
Okay, so if THAT didn't put it frankly, I don't know what could. It's pretty
easy getting a pet, you just go to "Create-A-Pet" page, and pick the first one
that says restricted. It'll then tell you that you can't get this pet because
it's restricted. You now have an accurate definition of the word restricted,
so you never have to try to create one again. Here's what the guide says on
restricted.
The Surviving Player's Guide to Neopia says that restricted is a word to
save you. If you somehow, and through more than likely shady means, obtain a
restricted pet, you will know why it says restricted. Several Neomails a day
are sure to land in your inbox, and it's certain people will ask you for some
of that restricted pet, too. Just heed the message you get when you first try
to create one, "This pet cannot be made this way - you'll have to visit some
place and figure it out J"
Anyway, the guide needs to stop accessing entries and get on to creating a
pet. Okay, so you created a pet. Now you’ve got to do some things to please
this pet. Oh, so now you're wondering why you first got this pet in the first
place, aren't you? In short, without the menace, you can't have any items. Without
items or a pet, all you've got is a Neo. We've been over that, and it's pretty
darn boring.
So, the first thing you should do is getting this pet some food. The food
in Neopia is great-- if you're from there. Here's what the guide's got to say
on it.
The Surviving Player's Guide to Neopia says that food in Neopia is abundant.
First off, you've got an omelette. It's a really big omelette. It sits in the
mud all day as the hot sun bakes down on it, dirty pets stick their paws in
it, and Sabre-X sits on it. Furthermore, when it isn't cracked, Tonus hatch
out. In other words, the guide is saying that you're eating muddy Tonu. Then,
we've got the Giant Jelly. But it doesn't exist, so the guide can't really mention
that. There's also a place called the food shop, where everyone rushes at a
certain time to grab a certain food for a certain price. The trick is having
fast fingers, to buy chicken fingers, so the shopkeeper can finger your cash,
and maybe, one day, buy some fingers. He has none. Another excellent choice
is the Alien Aisha Vending Machine, but you'll need an extremely expensive token.
With this token, you can purchase all kinds of horribly disgusting food. The
guide recommends a nice bit of mustard ice cream, just for the sake of your
liver.
So there you have it, food in Neopia. Might not be the best in the world,
but hey, it's not in the world in the first place, since this is Neopia. Your
other best bet is the money tree.
The Surviving Player's Guide to Neopia says that the Money Tree requires
more skill than anything else in Neopia does. The contenders must train hourly,
focusing on speed, strength, agility, and sight. They will run, oh yes, as fast
as they can, at rocketing speeds to the Money Tree. Their nimble limbs shall
sweep up the reward of their hard work, the prize they lust after: junk. The
guide also says that they're the number one consumer of grog.
Now that you know how to get food, somehow, one of these hows, you should
be set for food. Now you have to do some other things.
One of the most common choices of things to do first is make NP. However,
the guide recommends that you first learn what NP is.
The Surviving Player's Guide to Neopia says that NP is pretty much the
only thing most Neopians care about. No one knows what they look like, what
they're made of, or where they come from, but most Neopians are obsessed with
getting them. They hoard them in little boxes called Bank Accounts, and brag
about how many they have. They sometimes, but rarely, spend them on things,
mainly the Battledome. The Battledome is a place where you spend all you NP
on your pet, and then toss him in a fight with another pet, and the winner gets
absolutely nothing. This is what many Neopians spend their NP on. Also, they
spend their NP on making their pets look like various vegetables, cloud formation,
volcanic eruptions, paint accidents, and the most coveted of all, fat little
pets who cry and need their diaper changed. NP is a strange thing, and although
none of its uses seem worthwhile, you're going to need it anyway.
So you see, NP is really important. Now, there are several ways to make NP
most Neopians use. One, is to play games. The idea being to do something entirely
pointless, then get NP from nowhere in particular, just for driving some cars
into each other. Then, there's the stock market. The stock market is a place
where you give a Chia with a nice car some Neopoints, pick a bizarre company,
and wait for that bizarre company's 'stock to go up. But what is a stock exactly?
Let's check the guide.
The Surviving Player's Guide to Neopia says that stocks are something
you find in shops. The shopkeeper puts a bunch of stocks in their shop, and
this is called restocking. Then, the idea is you rush in to the shop, give the
shopkeeper a number of NP, and they give you the item, which you then sell for
more NP, so you can restock some more, to get more NP, and thus it loops forever.
However, in the stock market, the goal is to put money into stocks, or restocks
as they're called, for more money. How this works, no one knows, but it's similar
to restocking. And Nigel gets rich, we do know that.
So you see, the stock market is a very interesting place. The final way most
people make NP is restocking, but that's just a variant of stocking, or the
stock market, so you pretty much know how that goes.
As you can see, NP is extremely important, though no one knows why. The final
thing you must do as a new player is build a NeoHome, then you're on your way,
and you can ignore this guide (but don't, please don’t). The idea of a NeoHome
is simple-- you take a bunch of bizarre material, make a house out of it, live
in it, and get a robot Quiggle to go around, and around, and around, for no
apparent reason. Let's see what the guide has to say.
The Surviving Player's Guide to Neopia says that picking your material is
the most important thing when building a NeoHome. While there are loads of materials,
the guide will brush over the three basics-- basic, nice, and extravagant.
Cardboard - Cardboard is better than no home at all, right? The guide says
not. It gets wet in the rain, and tuns soggy, it rips as easily as a Skeith
without Flat-U-Less tablets, and it's really not all that comfortable. The guide
says live on the streets before you use cardboard.
Stone - Stone is like a giant rock-- hard, cold, and stony. In fact, it's
so much like a giant rock, if the guide didn't know better, it would say that
it IS rock! But we all know it's just Stone. The point the guide is trying to
make is that Stone is very boring, and thus the guide had to talk about something
else.
Transparashield - Since this stuff's so weird, the guide will break it down
via Latin. Trans means to change, or transition. Para means next to. Shield
isn't Latin. So basically, this means "Changing Next To Shield." Very odd, and
expensive.
As you can see, NeoHomes are bizarre-- truly strange.
That pretty much sums up getting started; now you can go terrorize Neopia!
Anyway, hopefully all the new players have seen a warped view of Neopia, are
now entirely confused, and will spit on this guide. Thank you for your time,
and remember, buy the guide!
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