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NEOPIAN TIMES NEWSSTAND - I can hardly believe I've gotten this question so
many times; How do you write an article for The Neopian Times? Do you get paid
for it? Can I write an article, too, or can you teach me to write as good as
you do? Did you know that Pterii can fly?
Okay, so I never really got the last one, but I wouldn't be too surprised
if I did. After all, almost all of the questions can be answered somewhere or
other - I believe on The Neopian Times itself, actually - and yet, somehow,
people will continue asking.
Ah, well. Gives me some fodder for writing!
Anyway, yes, I am chaos_shadow14, bringer of a couple of war articles and
maker of Cream Cheese Delights... No, wait, never mind. And today... This week...
Um... Whenever you're reading this, I'll bring to you an article on... (drum
roll, please) How to write articles! Cue the ticker tape!
Ladies and gentleman, please fasten your seatbelts and prepare for a bumpy
ride, as I have never instructed anybody before in my life... Don't run away
screaming, you ninnies! I haven't even started yet!
Step I - Thinking
Surprisingly, you have no idea how easily I can miss this step, and how easily
the step can be missed; in order to write an article, you must first think about
what you're doing. Generally, when you want to write an article, you'll want
to either continue a sort of article discussion with somebody else (I recall
a small line of arguments for the Beauty Contest once; I believe three people
sort of 'argued' amongst themselves to get their point across) or else set the
board for a new one. If you want to do the former, it's relatively simple; find
an article that you want to refute and let the insults... Er, I mean, well thought
out rebuttals... Fly! However, in the latter case, it's a little different;
let's go into both, shall we?
The Defendant may rise to speak!
Ah, yes, the Article Rebuttal type of thing. The easiest way to make one of
these is, as I said, find an article you want to refute and begin making arguments
to their points. This is one of the main reasons I even began writing my first
Week 77 Article, The Great Mysteries of Meridell, since I am a Darigan supporter
*dodges rotten tomatoes* and had seen somebody's article a few weeks prior that
sort of bashed Darigan... Sort of. Of course, I didn't make it a direct refute,
but you get the basic idea.
Anyway, the only fodder for planning you need here comes in the form of how
you'll argue. Do you take their main points, break them apart, then evaluate
them? Or do you take their main idea and put it in your own personal views?
You'll need a separate strategy for each, but I think it's pretty straightforward
as to what you should do. In the former case, you take their main ideas (which
are generally in lovely bold or italic print to set them apart and drill them
in your mind) and then begin making arguments against their cases. Alternatively,
like the latter idea, you take the article's basic idea and simply put it in
your own words; if you think the Beauty Contest is a load of dung but somebody
before said it was a brilliant idea, then say that you think the Beauty Contest
is a load of dung!
That's a bit of an oxymoron, isn't it? Beauty Contest... Dung.... Get it?
Heh heh heh... *cough*
Let's be original!
Nothing from the first idea sparks your fancy, but you still wanna write?
That's okay! Just make something up! As far as articles go, the board is always
set to begin looking into something new and unique like... Oh, I dunno... Lemon
Fish Pops. I'm not quite sure how you would make an article about Lemon Fish
Pops, but it's unique!
However, oftentimes the best articles to write are involved in something that
recently happened to Neopia; it doesn't have to be anything major. Let's take
an example now... How about the latest games that come out at the time of writing?
Those are relatively recent yet not ground breaking news. Or even rate Paintbrush
colors on the pets; that's always fun! I've spent many a phone conversation
with my friend looking through the Rainbow Pool and making fun of everything...
Erm... You know what I mean. Alternatively, you could look at an issue that's
been in Neopia for a long while but hasn't been touched upon directly; spark
curiosity in it again. Like forgotten Faeries, or... Um... Really, really, REALLY
old Gallery of Evil entries. Or something.
Armed with an idea for writing, you must now move on to step two in your journey...
Step II - Planning
I just went over thinking, and now I'm looking at planning. Seem redundant?
Well, it is, although the two categories are quite different. Thinking is getting
the article idea; planning is mapping out it.
Now, I'll be frank with you; the planning stage is almost compulsory, but
it's not wholly necessary. You'll need to have a basic outline of what you're
doing, of course, but planning can be as simple as merely knowing that you're
going to put something in chronological order or whatever to something as involved
as vowing not to use the word 'Kau' in the article... Hey, you never know! I
never used the word Kau myself, and... Well, there's goes that new years resolution...
There are a couple of different types of planning, as I explained; there's
the Extreme Basics, the Moderation, and the Obsessive style. Let's take a look
at them individually before I lose my mind if I actually introduce anything
else.
Basic Training
Ah, yes, Extreme Basics; this is when you just barely make any effort to plan
and leave most of the article up to chance. I only recommend this for either
people that are extremely spontaneous and let their writing carry them away
with it, or people that are professionals in the field of writing period. I,
personally, use this style - my planning involved knowing that I was going to
write an article to help all those poor saps that want to do the same... Wonder
if that means I'm extemporaneous or well versed in the matter...? Most likely
sporadic... Most definitely sporadic.
Anyway, there's only one thing to the planning itself; knowing you're going
to write something, and knowing the subject you're writing. It may be a little
more involved, like knowing a few more things, such as section dividers, but
it's still pretty basic.
All things in moderation... or something
The Moderate planning idea. When you think things out better and jot down
notes for sections and the like. You know your plan of action, you know what
your sections are divided into and what they basically say.
Although I usually use the Extreme Basics style above, I have resorted to
use of Moderate planning on one occasion; on a story I'm working on. I think
it's a good thing I used this planning method as well, because I realized that,
at the rate I was going with it, the story would have around forty chapters...
Wanted to brace myself for that...
But, since an article will never have more than forty chapters in it, I would
say that the Moderate planning stage works pretty well overall. I suggest it
to everybody to at least try it out (especially to put it together during school...
Relieve boredom and begin a reputation of sorts on Neopets!)
No! I missed an 'A'!
I have never seen anybody plan like this, and with good reason; the Obsessive
planning is an extremely scary style of planning; I can't even call it planning,
really. It's when.... When... Well, let's put it this way:
Say that the planning styles are like maps of your neighborhood, okay? The
Extreme Basics has everything you need; the streets and junctions, maybe a few
names of the streets here and there, sections marked as housing and sections
marked as field, and maybe an arrow pointing to your house and your best friend's
house, assuming they're on the map. Moderate is a more advanced map; all of
the street names, the names of the neighbors you know of, perhaps more direct
names on everything; marking a plan as a golf course, and making little boxes
for houses and all that. Nice little maps of your neighborhood.
Now, Obsessive comes up outta nowhere. It's a map of every house on ever block
with every street name and the name of every person in every house plus their
spouse, their children, their pets, and the number of bathrooms and bedrooms
are in the house. The golf course you marked has a little flag at each hole,
and the houses no longer look like miniature models. To top it all off, you
even bothered making the little lines in the road, drawing individual bricks
on a stone wall and, yes, even making little gravel marks on the asphalt along
with those little lines and manhole locations.
Obsessive planning isn't really planning; it's writing the entire thing out
on a scrap (or box full) of notebook paper while paying meticulous attention
to details and then transferring it to the computer. You could call this writing
it, but you're officially in the writing stage when you get on the computer
and write it all down there. I suggest you avoid this type; not only is it somewhat
odd to watch (I think) but you'll get some major writer's cramp from it. Ouch...
Once you've planned out your steps, you're ready to move on to the fun part...
Step III - Writing
And thusly, we get to the brunt of the article; writing it out! This is my
favorite part, really, for obvious reasons; apparently I never really plan out
things and all that since I use the Extreme Basics style, but that's about it.
Let us learn how to write!
Introduction
First of all, do this immediately: Prepare for the writing by opening up a
word processor program - most computers with a Windows based engine come
complete with Microsoft Word, although I personal prefer Corel WordPerfect
(which was actually recommended by my history teacher, so it must be good).
You must write your article in a word processor in order to run spell check,
grammar check, and save. It is vital! So go do it now!
Ready? Okay, let's continue.
I'll be blunt with you; I hate doing introductions, but they are necessary.
The introduction is very, very simple on paper; all you have to do is tell the
person you're talking to about what you're talking about... Writing about...
Whatever.
Introductions are pretty simple things unto themselves; just make certain
that you do one thing when you write them. You need to write a hook statement;
that is, the first line of the article. It's one of the hardest things to do
(Truthfully! I mean it!) for not only does it involve stating your topic (across
the whole of the thesis statement, which is the first paragraph) but it also
has to be interesting. Grab the readers attention! Jump outta the computer and
strangle them and force them to read the rest of the article... Okay, not really.
But it should grab their attention just the same, even if you're not holding
them at the point of your Fake Rod of Ultranova and telling them to read it.
Hopefully you can make a good hook, and from their a good thesis statement.
Now, the introduction itself tends to be a couple of paragraphs in total, so
just rant on a bit more about what you're going to say, maybe give reasons for
writing if it's appropriate, that sort of thing. Got it? Good. Now we can move
on.
Get Your Point Across
Now, this may be a bit late to tell you this, but there are two kinds of articles;
persuasive and... Um... Well, okay, I forget what the other one is called, but
I know that it said it on a test I had to take, and I know that it was annoying.
And it began with an 'E'. I think. I'll tell you if I remember it.
The point is, there are two types of articles. I'm sure that persuasive speaks
for itself - your point is to state your opinion, give your reasons, and bend
the audience to your supreme will! Or not. But the other one (with the 'e',
I think) is also self explanatory if I can ever remember what it's called -
simply put, you just state the facts of what you're writing and leave it at
that. Simple, no?
So said, you'll be taking two different paths depending on which one you went
with.
Persuasive yields the fact that you must state your points, tell your audience
what you're talking about, and give your opinion and why you feel that way about
it. For instance, let's take my Lemon Fish Pop idea from way up there; you could
write an article persuading people to try one. Your reasons might be 'because
of their lemony-fresh goodness!' or shiny exterior... Dunno why on earth it
would be shiny, or what that has to do with anything, but it might me. Taking
their lemony-fresh goodness for the example, you cannot simply state the fact
that they are lemony-fresh and, thusly, good. Nope; you must explain how the
lemon flavoring makes it good. Or why the shiny exterior is pretty (and what
that has to do with anything... Please inform me, I'm curious).
And now the other style... Oh, man, I just had the name! Ah, whatever. Anyway,
for this one (which I shall call the 'fact file' method for lack of a better,
or proper, name) you'll need to resort to listing facts, figured, and occasional
opinions. But the opinion can only be occasional, because the point of this
is the get the facts across. These can be easier or harder than a persuasive
article, depending on what the topics are; for instance, giving war news is
pretty easy since it's posted a lot and you can put a unique spin on it. However,
researching Battledome weapons and rating them takes real research... and if
you, like me, hate research, this probably isn't your forte.
All right, now you're getting to writing your article ('bout darn time, too),
you'll have a couple of basic rules laid for you. And they are called the Rules
of Grammar.
Shouldn't Have Slept Through Language Arts
If you're at all like me, in addition to hating research, you'll doubtless
also hate grammar. Adjectives and adverbs and nouns and verbs spinning through
your head... Sentence mapping... Come on! Who cares if 'run' is an adjective
or pronoun, we all know it's a conjunction! Whatever that is...
However, that's not why I've called you here today... In fact, I didn't call
you. Ah, well. You see, the main reason for this grammar section is not to map
sentences needlessly using techniques you'll never utilize again as long as
you live; it's actually to tell you not to commit misdemeanors that people will
care about!
Punctuation is something you must know about. Sentences usually end in a period
or an exclamation point, breaks are always signified by commas, and really important
breaks in two independent clauses - those being two sentences that go together
but aren't relying on each other - use semicolons; much like this, actually.
Dashes and parentheses are used for varying fluctuations in adding author notes
- depending on the importance, you might end up with a function similar to a
semicolon (with the dash) or one that simply adds to what you were saying but
isn't part of the sentence, much like that last parentheses up there.
Okay, enough of that! That was annoying to write out... Punctuation down,
make certain that your sentences flow properly, and that they are worded correctly.
After all, the phrases "The Lupe bit the boy" and "The boy bit the Lupe" have
two hopelessly separate connotations... I hope I never see that latter sentence
pulled off. Really. Make certain that the structure is not too awkward, or else
you'll leave your readers (and possibly yourself) confused. Now, here's one
sentence that is worded improperly:
"He spoke to the Battledome champion holding his lemon fish pop."
That either means that he spoke to a Battledome champion while holding a lemon
fish pop, or the champion was holding his lemon fish pop for some bizarre reason.
Now, to make things a bit clearer, you'll end up with:
"He spoke to the Battledome champion, holding onto his lemon fish pop," or
"He spoke to the Battledome champion who, for some bizarre reason, was holding
his lemon fish pop." There; now those give you a proper mental image, AND they
sound ludicrous!
Finally, on the subject of grammar, I caution you all to not confuse your
words. A Grammar Check will help you in several instances with certain sentences,
but it does not know the difference between to, two, and too or their, there,
and they're or... you get the idea.
Once you've written out the article, run a Spell Check to make sure you didn't
do anything too wrong (And, perhaps, add Neopian terms to your computer's dictionary;
I know mine did not pick up on the word Blumaroo the first time I put it in).
Now that you've written the article, you can move on to the second-to-final
step.
Step IV - Proofreading
Again, this step is not necessary (I rarely do it myself) but it will probably
help you have a better chance of seeing the light of the Times.
If you haven't done so already, run the Grammar Check and Spell Check across
your article and make sure that nothing is blatantly wrong. Now, on your own,
read through the entire thing again. Now that you've done that, read through
it a second time, this time saying it aloud to yourself and making sure that
nothing sounds awkward. If it does, it probably is, so correct all mistakes
you here.
Now, if you really want to make sure everything is perfect, print out the
article and take it to somebody you know, trust, and (preferably) that plays
Neopets. Allow them to read it over and make sure that nothing is wrong, and
if something is... Well, you know the deal. That's right! Correct it! Or toss
it into a bucket full of Slorgs. Whatever you prefer.
Having checked it several times (or not) you may now, finally, submit your
article. My, this was a quick section, wasn't it? Now comes the real challenge...
Step V - Submission
Submission itself is a breeze; just go to the link in the Times, click on
it, and copy-and-paste your article into the little box. You DID save it in
a Word Processor, right? I hope you did...
And now that you've done that, all you have to do is wait.
And wait.
And wait some more.
Quite checking your watch, this takes time! Neopets probably gets hundreds
of submissions per week, and yours will come up eventually.
Now, while you're waiting, I'll share an anecdote with you; Once upon a time
I wrote my first article. It was in Week 77, and it was called The Great Mysteries
of Meridell. That's not my point.
You see, I submitted it relatively early into the week and waited with only
half a flare of hope for the end of the week; the article had really been just
a random run through, actually, and if they published it, great. If not, oh
well; not the end of the world.
Naturally, I didn't see it on the Saturday, but I shrugged it off and went
on with life, and the following Saturday morning I had a dream... A dream that
involved my article being in The Neopian Times. Of course, the paper was suddenly
in my old geography teacher's room and was tall as the ceiling and spanned the
entire wall, and I think that people were running around with pogo sticks, but
that's not the point. I woke up, figured I had too much sugar the night before,
and time passed by before I check the computer at about ten in the morning,
only to find that I had a Neomail. Congratulating me on my article.
What article? You mean the one that I submitted two weeks ago and just had
a disturbing dream about? That one?
Yes, indeed. You see, on average, unless you submit the instant the Times
is up, there's a chance that you'll have to wait an additional week before it
comes up. Don't get edgy now, though; I believe that if you check your User
Lookup on Friday, you'll see if you have the coveted golden quill or not. If
you do, great! If you don't and it's still the first week, then wait another
week. If it still doesn't show up, then go back and look at your article again.
Step N - Revision
Why is this step N? Because it's not a step proper, per se. It's not mandatory.
Then again, neither is planning, but you get the idea.
Now, there are only a few things I can say might be wrong with your article
if you followed the above. Your points might have been too weak to be a real
argument, you might have written on a dry topic that nobody cares about (I seriously
do hope that you didn't follow my lemon fish pops example... Please...) or else
you made several grammatical missteps that you hadn't noticed.
However, there is only one thing that I can really say you should do; spice
it up.
If your article is about as dry as a piece of toast, you need to go back and
realize "Well, gee, this could really stand to be a bit more... amusing." If
your article is as exciting as a burnt Sutek Muffin, than you really need to
pepper it with something.
Jokes are always good. I don't mean a sudden; "A Chia, a Gelert, and a Kau
all walk into the coffee shop...", I mean something randomly input that, although
not being outright laugh-out-loud funny, makes you smile somehow. Even if it's
as stupid as mentioning that somebody stepped in your lunch box for some reason
or that the mystical artifact has geometry homework on it.
Also, you must exercise your right to use adjectives and adverbs; they're
the little things that modify words and make sentences more descriptive. What
sounds better, "The Bruce sat down", or "The small, glowing Bruce sat down hard,
stunned." What gives you a better mental image? Any of you say the first one
and I'll personally find out where you live and... I dunno... send you a fruitcake
or something. That's it.
In addition to modifiers, vary your verbs (But avoid annoying alliteration,
much like what I just did here). You can say the word 'said' only so many times
before people get the idea and want a better term.
Again, what sounds better? "'Get out of my house!' the Lupe said" or "'Get
out of my house!' the Lupe growled." What makes you feel more like you're there,
being commanded to exit a house or suffer the wrath of the Lupe? Please, just
don't say the first one...
After you've made everything better again, resubmit the article and see if
anything happens. Hopefully, you'll get lucky and be able to see that shiny
quill in your lookup, and if you're not... well... try a different topic and
a different approach.
I wish you all luck on your writing endeavors, and I hope that, in some way
almost completely unrelated to the actual article you wrote, this somehow helps.
I like helping people.
Then again, I also like corn. Oh, well.
Author's Note: The author would once again like to apologize to anybody
if they suffered any sort of mental trauma. She would also like to apologize
if anybody happened to actually take her advice and spends an hour and a half
writing an article about Lemon Fish Pops. Finally, she would like to say that
she finally remembered what the other writing form was; it's called expository,
as in exposition, as in explanation, as in... You get the idea. She would also
like to (once again) apologize for the length of this one. Thank you, have a
nice day, good luck, and remember the Twig!
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