All right, to be honest and everything, this feels a bit silly. You know, referring to you as "X" in order to keep crucial details in tip-top security. Apparently that's just the tip of the iceberg. They told me that more was yet to come, and to that I said, "Are you joking? There are more outlandish requests?" But no, your demands are going to get greater, and your challenges will not only be difficult but give me a splitting headache as well. I should have known what I signed up for, I guess. By the way, I don't know why you reached out to me. I presume that there's a special quality about me that others simply do not possess, for instance, my dashing good looks? I kid, for as you know I enjoy a good joke once in a while (but in my humble opinion, I am indeed quite handsome). They said that you don't really treasure jokes, so I will attempt to keep those to a minimum.

It would really help me if you just came out and revealed your identity. For all I know, the fearsome and powerful "X" could be a shivering Puppyblew wearing a pink dress and hair curlers. Don't take offence to that; I know that you are much more powerful than an idiotic Petpet. But some enjoy the sight of an adorable little creature that you can just pick up and snuggle and call cute names such as "Fluffykins" or "Mr. Cutesy-Wutesy." That just struck a nerve in my heart, which is very hard to do, by the way.

My solemn apologies, I got a bit off-topic. I'll be brief with this closing statement: I have the minions that you requested in order to carry out your mission. They will be ready for transfer whenever you give the command. I normally don't take orders from anyone, but they had insisted that you are one to contend with. And they are never wrong.

I am looking forward to your reply, X, along with more about this mission with which you need my help.

Most sinfully yours,

All right, I get that you're some sort of mastermind. I've heard it from enough of my sources to take it as fact.

But what in Fyora's name do you expect me to do with the seventeen so-called "highly trained minions" you sent my way? Given that sixteen of those are Grundos, I actually sent a few agents to double-check that you weren't actually Doctor Sloth. I'm now quite convinced of that point, thank you, but the fact remains that your insistence on going by the stunningly original pseudonym "X" means that I actually have to wonder. Wouldn't you prefer to prevent such future misunderstandings and, say, let me know what your name is? I assure you, I am the very soul of discretion, as anyone who's heard of me -- and who hasn't heard who was behind the Blighted Jelly Incident -- knows.

That aside, your instructions were cursedly vague. Train them to do what? None of them have any skill in dark magic, and there are only two or three I'd even think of using as informants, if that's what you intended.

I'm not a babysitter, X. If you want my help -- and I can tell you do, given what you've offered in exchange -- then you're going to need to work with me. I have enough room in my Bluff to house all of them, but I'm very, very tempted to teleport all of them smack in the middle of a certain someone's Glade. While this would amuse me greatly, I have the feeling it would be counterproductive to your plan. Whatever that is.

Still, as requested, I've enclosed my... special... muffin recipe along with this correspondence. Planning a party? Anyone I know invited? I have a few suggestions, if so.

Do get back to me before I get fed up with this whole mess and ship these blasted minions to Meridell. Which is to say, some time within the next two days. Possibly sooner.

Yours in wickedness,

Jhudora

Dear X,

Four thousand muffins? Are you insane?!

I'm a witch, not your personal baker!

Admittedly, those edits you made to that recipe you sent look intriguing. Given the fact that it calls for purple and green food colouring, I'm going to guess it was originally Jhudora's. I hope you don't expect me to work with her -- she's not known for her interpersonal skills, and coming from me, that's saying something.

But until you tell me what on Neopia you think you're doing, you'll get no muffins from me.

...I can't believe I just wrote that.

If you're currently feeling a bit slimier than usual, that's because the time-delayed Slorgification spell I've enclosed has begun to take effect. I'm not your errand-Zafara. Treat me with the respect a witch of my calibre deserves, or leave me out of this craziness.

You can start by telling me what, exactly, you plan to do with all of those baked goods. It better not involve the words "evil bake sale," or you can kiss your un-slimy self goodbye.

The spell taking effect right now should wear off after two hours or so. The next one won't.

Annoyedly yours,

While I like your tenacity, I'm sorry to say that I will not tell you where I've taken your logbook. I do see here that it seems to be of some value to you, and perhaps you will be needing this back sooner then later.

Maybe we could make a bargain of some kind, a fair trade for this very valuable item. I shall be keeping this precious volume where I keep all of my others, so well hidden from all of Neopia, that no one has ever recovered what I have taken from them.

There could also be a possible future use for my services, as I've noticed here in this log, you have a very big event coming up. An event that could use my skills procuring these particular items you seem to have a need for.

If you do so desire to retrieve your logbook, as well as make any future ventures we might create together, just leave a return letter on your desk. I'm sure I will find it.

I must go now, it feels like someone's trying to follow me...

Insincerely,

The Pant Devil

To X,

I appreciate your request for my skills as a bounty hunter. Though my expertise is strictly faeries, I am always up for a challenge. The Pant Devil is a slippery foe indeed, but I would be happy to track him down for you.

I also have those bottled faeries you ordered. Way more then I ever expected in an order, but once again, I'm always up for the job. I can say that it seems like Faerieland's been a little sparse lately, so you may want to trade some of those faeries their freedom for whatever favours you need from them, but who am I to judge? It just makes the thrill of the hunt more fun for me when they are harder to find.

I expect to find this Pant Devil fellow shortly, as I am already hot on his trail. I shall secure your item and wrestle out of him the other information you asked me to acquire from the shade. Not to make any suggestions for you, as I'm sure you are already very smart and are several steps ahead of me in your plan, but perhaps he could be better as an ally than an enemy I'm forced to track down. Then I can go back to filling all those empty bottles up.

Loyally yours,

Balthazar

S,

I would never usually lower myself to send a correspondence to someone of your stature, but my curiosity has gotten the best of me. These fool minions had your stench all over them, and their whisperings have solidified my idea that you now have a hand in this as well. Who is X, and what is this big plan?

Sorry for the delayed response. I get loads of requests sent on who to zap all the time, and these I generally ignore, but yours, 'course, piqued my interest.

Been thinking about the pros and cons, see. Zapping here's a fine art, and you gotta weigh the fun part against the looming consequences. And normally there isn't any consequence. I got legs like a Kougra, see. I know you wouldn't expect it, but man, can I run. Plus it helps that the Neopets I zap suddenly turn to babies and don't know how to chase after me. Yep, that's definitely a bonus.

But this here's an interesting proposition. What you're offering is risky, and I like it. And plus I've never operated a ray gun other than mine before, but I'm sure that won't prove to be a problem.

Folk say I got no common sense. Time to prove them right. So when should I start going Snowager-zappin'?

Cheers,

Boochi

Jhudora,

It pains me to be the bearer of bad news, but Dr. Frank Sloth has not received your letter due to travelling complications. Unfortunately, the letter has been intercepted by a third-party member.

I came across the situation and read your correspondence, to which I offer my alliance. This X seems to be a slippery creature, and I believe you will require assistance in obtaining information. And I, of course, am only the best at obtaining hidden information. In fact, I have something currently in my possession I am sure X is greatly in want of.

As the righteous being I am, I shall forward a letter of similar message to your intended one to Dr. Frank Sloth, returning what was unjustly stolen in flight.

I look forward to your agreement.

Evil greetings,

Pant Devil

Sloth,

Jhudora and I have recently come across a new name in what seems to make its mark on Neopian evil, which carries the name 'X.' We each possess some information which you might find interesting, and so I suggest we pool our information together to gather intelligence.

Leave your message on your desk and I shall come by to pick it up.

Dark regards,

Pant Devil

Dear Evelis,

Almost. I miss you.

With love,

01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01101001 01101110 01110100 01100101 01110010 01100101 01110011 01110100 01100101 01100100 01101001 01101110 00100000 01110111 01101000 01100001 01110100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01110000 01101111 01110011 01100101

Switching to inferior language mode: Your terms are accepted. As I meet or exceed all suggested operating parameters, I will arrange for mass delivery of your message via infiltration of all available electronic systems.

Precisely yours,

NPv2

X,

Everything is proceeding just as you planned. Jhudora even reached out to Sloth, and the Pant Devil, last I saw him, well... he was looking even more furtive than usual. Balthazar was a stroke of genius. It took a little persuasion, but I did get Edna to see the light... eventually. By the time you read this, she should be up to her ears in muffins.

I think we're ready to implement Phase 2. There's just the little matter of the second installment of my fee...

Contractually yours,

ZDA

Dear Sir:

This letter is to confirm the withdrawal from your bank account ending in #0000 in the sum of 200,000 Neopoints. We hope your transaction was a pleasant experience; thank you for choosing the National Neopian Bank.

Warmest regards,

The National Neopian Bank

Jhudora,

Considering where this muffin recipe came from, I have to think you're involved in this. I'm busily baking at the behest of X (after some initial reluctance, I was... persuaded) but I have to admit this whole thing has me itching, and no, no spells have gone wrong.

What do really know about this X? Rumour has it, this mysterious figure has reached out to -- and given orders to! -- Sloth, you, Balthazar. One of my contacts even said Boochi has been trying to zap the Snowager, and you can't tell me that's coincidence. (I, of course, have no means of contacting that little... ahem... Bruce, not after the last time he tried to approach me, although I maintain that's all for the best, but he's never gone around trying to zap Neopian villains before, so common sense says X.

Should all who are evil or dark bow to X? He has ME baking, Sloth is mysteriously missing some soldiers that he refuses to acknowledge, and rumour also has it that you're babysitting. Who's next? I'll tell you this, I didn't spend all this time studying witchcraft just to bow to some unknown...

Suspiciously yours,

Edna

Zafara Double Agent,

I'm sure by now you've heard of the vaunted and mysterious X; after much thought, I'm not convinced X fits into Neopia. Last time you and I spoke, we came to a mutual understanding... I'm sure we can do so again. Your discretion, as always, is appreciated; as a token of that, I have doubled the fee I paid you'd last time. This fee is, of course, enclosed; I wouldn't dream of not paying you in advance.

Darkly yours,

We're close. Your wait will be over soon, I promise.

With love,

Charrien

Dear Valued Customer,

We regret to inform you that we do not, at this time, stock "a helmet or something that makes minions who aren't even technically yours stop trying to rebel and get a clue".

Zafara Double Agent,

As I'm sure you know, I am extremely vexed with you. I do not appreciate your theft of the rightfully stolen logbook, and I wanted to let you know that in retaliation I have intercepted a very interesting letter from a certain faerie whose name starts with "J" and ends with "hudora". She enclosed an excellent advance fee, which I have, of course, appropriated for myself, and requested use of your services.

Putting our differences aside, I'm willing to pay you Jhudora's fee and more to ensure that I'll be a step ahead of her for as long as I need to be. I had thought we were in an agreement; apparently, she does not trust me, so I cannot afford to trust her.

So once you have gathered a usable amount of information, bring it to me, or you'll find out just how annoying I can be, and that is a solemn threat.

Yours in foulness,

The Pant Devil

X,

You'll be pleased to know I'm getting results. I don't know what you put in that ray gun, but it's making the Snowager... well, you really need to see it. I'm telling you, the results speak for themselves.

And of course I'll go after von Roo next. The guy just rubs me the wrong way -- what, you're too good to come out during the day like the rest of us normal Neopians? And the dude seriously needs to do something about those fangs of his. If I were using my own ray gun, he would make one freaky baby.

Toodles,

Boochi

01111000,

01001001 00100000 01100001 01101101 00100000 01110000 01110010 01101111 01100011 01100101 01100101 01100100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01100001 01100011 01100011 01101111 01110010 01100100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110100 01101111 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01110000 01101100 01100001 01101110 00101110

Once again, lowering server to lesser language mode: I am proceeding according to the program, but have encountered an error. The system I am infiltrating has already been corrupted by a strange green creature who calls himself Sloth, and I can advance no further until he decrypts the next section of code.

Mechanically yours,

Von Roo is just the cutest little hoppy bloodsucker you ever did see. And your next target suggestion looks like even more fun. The Pant Devil, seriously? Darned wardrobe-challenged spirit tried to swipe my blaster yesterday, so I'm game.

Should I drop by for another spooky visit shrouded in mystery? Huh, should I? You got anything you can put in this to make things interesting, or should I just see if I can make him a Diaper Devil?

Phew,

Boochi

Dear Sir or Madam,

First, I resent being addressed as 'one of Neopia's greatest villains.' I have made some severe mistakes in the past, it is true, but I have come back to my senses and am trying to do what is best for my people. Though I hesitate to point it out given the resemblance to the childish argument of "They started it," which does not excuse some of the things I did in seeking redress, this even extends to making peace with the land that instigated our problems.

Second, I do not personally run the Darigan Toy Shop. I'm sure they would welcome your business, so I forwarded the order to them. However, I would note that our clockwork toys do not, as a rule, explode. Are you sure you aren't thinking of Clockwork Grundos?

Sincerely,

Lord Darigan of the Citadel

Jhudora,

A little Weewoo told me you'd been trying to get in touch, but your message seems to have gone missing. Perhaps you should employ better postal security?

I look forward to a renewal of our professional relationship.

Prospectively yours,

ZDA

To all electronic systems:

{{Establishing inferior communication mode}}

BEWARE THE TWENTIETH OF HUNTING.

X,

I cooperated with your decoding efforts and even with that annoying little subverted program. Was that blaring message on all systems really necessary? My Grundos are panicky, and even the robots seem a bit on the jittery side.

Of course, I imagine the ones you received are in an even worse state, what with the subcutaneous transmitters and all...

Yours retaliatorily,

Sloth

Evelis,

Can you answer me at all? There have been a few hitches, but I think we're going to pull it off.

Really.

Love,

Charrien

Dear Edna,

You know, I think I am getting a bit fed up. I have an idea.

Yours with a glorious cackle,

I see your point, but I still don't like it. And I'm pretty sure you won't like X's latest orders, either.

J

X,

Well... I found the Pant Devil. I think we're going to have to consider that part of our agreement null and void, though; looks like Boochi got there first. I'd never seen a baby Pant Devil before... can't say I’d like to again. Wasn't really what I imagined. At all. That, or something has gone seriously wrong with Boochi's ray gun.

Grimly yours,

Balthazar

P.S. I finished packing up that order of bottled faeries you ordered. Still can't imagine why you want so many of them (2,000 seems like a lot!), but it really isn't any of my concern. They'll be delivered tomorrow morning.

X,

I've been patient. I've even been POLITE. But you've been your usual reticent evil-prodigy self and have refused to do anything but give orders. And I am out of patience.

I got a note from FYORA asking why I sent five minions into her BEDROOM. You could have at least had the backbone to claim them as your own since YOU requested them.

And where are the other 12? What ELSE are you doing in my name?! Jhudora warned me I wouldn't like your latest orders, but at least she had the courtesy to warn me, villain to villain!

Furiously yours,

Sloth

Zafara Double Agent,

I hope this letter finds you in good standing, and more... securely... than the last one did.

Time grows short, so I shall be quick. Twice your customary fee is enclosed (again); I want the dirt on X. And I want it fast.

Impatiently yours,

Jhudora

X,

It's working. Jhudora is rebelling; Sloth is in an impotent fury; the Pant Devil is missing. The faeries have arrived, the muffins are baked, and the order of clockwork toys -- to your custom specifications -- are en route.

We're ready for Phase Three. That is, as soon as you send the third installment of my fee...

Obligatorily yours,

ZDA

INSUFFICIENT FUNDS NOTICE

Dear Sir:

We regret to inform you that your withdrawal from the account ending in #0000 in the sum 200,000 Neopoints has failed. It has failed because ERROR: YOU DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH NEOPOINTS IN YOUR BANK ACCOUNT TO WITHDRAW THAT AMOUNT. As such, we are unfortunately unable to honour your withdrawal request.

If we can be of any further assistance, please don't hesitate to let us know. Thank you for choosing the National Neopian Bank!

Regards,

The National Neopian Bank

Evelis,

Yes, really.

Things are almost perfect, almost exactly as planned. Only one major snag so far, but that may yet work to our advantage. Tomorrow... it should all be finished tomorrow.

Love,

I have acquired the previously zapped babies in a basket as you last requested. The baby Snowager seems to incessantly try to blast the Count, but can only manage a small spray of ice cubes. The Pant Devil... well, I'm not really sure if he's in the basket anymore, it's just kind of... you'll see.

I will deliver the basket to the address you enclosed by 5 PM as ordered. It was a pleasure working for you.

Loyally yours,

Balthazar

X,

I regret to inform you that due to your inability to continue financing my work on your plan, I must depart from your services. It's nothing personal, it's just business. Good luck. I'm sure we'll be in touch again in the future, when you have a little more Neopoints in your pocket. Until then, I have other jobs to do and other fees to accept.

Perhaps, I shall do you one last favour, but never expect any again. Think of it as my gift.

No longer yours,

Zafara Double Agent

Jhudora,

Did you get that message as well? Has the Zafara Double Agent been leading us all on? Yes, I paid rather a large sum of money to her as well. She must have been working for X too, and the two of them are making rather large fools of us all. I will be there tonight with a fully loaded ray gun, ready to take back my minions and my pride. As for the last order X gave us? I will do it, better to surprise him by letting him think we're in check than about to take down his entire scheme. What are you bringing to fulfill his order of a wrapped offering of monetary value?

Deceptively yours,

Dr Frank Sloth

Dearest Evelis,

It's time. I hope you're there, just like we planned. I'm sure you'll remember this forever.

Love,

Try to bottle ME, will you? Enjoy your case of Scourgies!

Jhudora

Jhudora,

I will not stand for this. I thought we had established a mutually beneficial if contemptuous working relationship.

Sloth,

You are an idiot. I don't even know where they were after they left my Cloud. Er... Bluff.

Also, your title of conqueror would be more effective if you ever actually conquered anything instead of getting kicked around off-planet by my "sister" Mira.

Jhudora

Sloth,

I will forgive the Zafara Transmogrification Potion only on the generous assumption that you meant it for X, rather than expecting the "gift exchange." I suppose being a Zafara would probably have been an improvement on that party.

Edna

Edna,

Have you got any more of those Friendly Slorgs?

Itchily,

Balthazar

Hey Jhudora,

How do I get this ring off?

Boochi

Balthazar,

Didn't you say something about how my muffins would be more useful in the Battledome and if this was an example of my skill, you couldn't believe my potions ever worked?

No... no, I'm afraid I'm fresh out.

Edna

Jhudora,

Is it just me, or was there someone missing from that party?

Watching Von Roo, the Snowager, and the... ah... Diaper Devil play with the exploding clockwork toys was pretty funny, though.

Edna

Dear ZDA,

Good work.

Queen Fyora

Dear, darling Charrien,

You're wonderful. You're utterly wonderful. I'm so glad to be out of Dr. Sloth's labs. As soon as I get out of quarantine, I'm going to come and hug you.

Love always,

Evelis

Dear Evelis,

I couldn't have done it on my own.

Love,

Charrien

Dear Xandra,

Thank you for all your efforts on behalf of those two sweet Grundos, Evelis and Charrien. It's so nice to see your talents for scheming turned to good use, and while Charrien shows some natural talent, this was surely an education for her. I think your rehabilitation is proceeding apace.

I hope you'll forgive me for stirring the pot a bit here and there. Contrary to his reputation, it actually takes quite a bit to get Dr. Sloth sufficiently out of temper to stop thinking.

Yours affectionately,

Fyora

P.S. You still have to let the bottled faeries back out.

Fyora,

Pbbbbbt.