Deckswabbing can either be a tedious chore or a lot of fun--from my own experiences, I know that many people are having difficulties with this game. Whether you're looking for that "Swabby" avatar or a trophy, this guide will help you. Although I didn't care to get a trophy, the ideas and strategies in this article will assuredly give you your highest score ever... If you want to know how well they work, I got the "Swabby" avatar in two tries using these basics.

For those of you new to Deckswabber, here are the facts in a nutshell.

You play as a blumaroo, and you must change all the tiles of a level to a certain colour. This colour is indicated at the bottom of the game, where the word "Goal" sits. You must avoid enemies and water, and collect treasure if you wish.

For those of you trying to get the avatar, I'm ninety-seven percent sure the score you must reach is 825. I'm positive you need not score as high as 900. And another successful swabber told me they were certain that below 815 won't make the mark. (I personally scored 843 or so - not the 503 that my list of scores says. For some reason, Neopets couldn't or wouldn't post my score as my best. I got some frantic neomails from that mistake... "What?! You scored 503 and got the av? My score is higher than that!")

Now for the tips:

1) Always go around your enemies, always. Never go through them, unless you absolutely must. (The only way you must is if they are surrounding you on adjacent tiles.) The enemies you will meet are these (ordered from least annoying to most annoying): Cannons, Myncis, Techos, and Skeleton Kikos. (There may be another one or two - but if you're just looking to get the avatar, you probably won't meet much past the Kikos.) Cannons will hop onto random tiles and are not much to worry about. Myncis and Techos will stalk you; the Techo does it much more avidly, and the techo is probably the worst of your problems. At least until you meet the Kiko. The Kikos are faster than the Techos, and stalk even more avidly. Thankfully your enemies do not have the intelligence to go around bodies of water to reach you. So if there is a canal separating you two, you should be safe. By the way, if a sword and enemy collide, they both disappear.

2) Never go into the water. Ever. Chances are you'll accidentally hop in to the drink sooner or later, but you should always avoid the water, unless you'd like a watery demise. It might help to think of water as a stationary enemy.

3) Be patient! This is the most important rule of all. Everyone likes to rush through the levels, trying to get a time bonus. Rushing will not help! The rush factor is why many people hop through their enemies. Once, my timer ran over six minutes while I was waiting for some enemies to disappear. Patience truly pays off.

4) Don't be afraid to do and redo. If you need to dodge some enemies, don't hesitate to erase some of your work. You can always redo your tiles, but there's no guarantee you'll be able to fill your health back up. In the latter levels, you will have to be willing to do and redo a LOT.

5) Do collect health flags if you need them. The last thing you want is to be low on health - if you die, you can restart up to three times, at the cost of thirty points each time. Although the health flags may look different, i.e. one is at half-mast, one is at full, they both will restore your health.

6) Get rid of those boxes. If you are new to this game, what they do is erase your work. They will change the surrounding tiles back to their original colour, making you have to redo. However, if you're going to finish the level before the box disappears, you don't need to do this. And sometimes the boxes will disappear without disturbing your work. It's really your choice, though.

7) Follow a pattern. In the early levels, it is in your best interest to follow a pattern. Don't go willy-nilly. For a simple example, in the very first level I just spiral inwards. In the later levels you will not be able to follow a pattern due to the enemies. You'll be having to dodge them, making your tiles looks like a mad artist's work... but that's okay, you can always fix that. Most patterns focus on spiraling towards the center, and this works very well. Hwoever if you would like to vary your game, feel free. If you are starting at the center, spiral outwards. It's simple once you get the hang of it.

Lastly, collect treasure if you wish. Treasure gives a few small bonus points. You'll have to use your own judgement to know when to collect. It may mean messing up your pattern, or redoing several tiles. Generally, I like to collect any treasure no matter the denomination. But I always get anything higher than a twenty dubloon coin. (The different denominations are five, ten, twenty, a silver chest, and a gold chest. A gold chest maxes out your treasure bonus. Spiffy!)

The maximum amount of points for each level is 40, but you'll be getting 30 much more often. These factors tally into your score:

Health
Time
Treasure

The most important is by far Health. My whole strategy is based on this - You have finite health, and infinite time. Don't compromise your health for your time. I am not positive that your time is infinite - but you should easily be able to finish your level in the time allotted. The highest my timer ever reached was over six minutes, and I still got a time bonus! It was small, but it was there. If you follow these tips, be assured you will score higher than you ever have. Probably.

You may go through anywhere from twenty-five to thirty levels while trying to score over 825. By the time my score was sufficient, I was in the first level where Skeleton Kikos appeared.

Good luck deckswabbing!

(Interesting Deckswabber fact... when the game first came to Neopia, if you scored over 300, you won a dubloon!)

New update! Information missing from my guide...

Skeleton Kikos are instant death... yep.

My timer has now gone past fifteen minutes.

There is one more treasure chest - a solid gold chest - which gives 100 gold. Silver gives 50, I believe regular gold gives 75.

This is not so vital - half-mast health flags restore half of your maximum health, and full-mast flags restore all of your health.

To The Moon

Aylinn and Mabel chatted the entire way home from school. Aylinn was an aisha, and Mabel an usul. The two were the best of friends - inseparable through thick and thin. They had been that way for as long as either could remember. One was never seen without the other, and their friendship had become something of a legend at school - their peers had slowly developed sayings about them never being seen apart.

Today, they were talking about the school play, The Rainbow Polarchuck... Mabel wanted to see if her own dear Fulfum could play the part of the play's namesake.

Fulfum's so intelligent, I'm sure we could train him," she was saying. "And if my parents won't get a rainbow petpet paint brush, I'm sure we can improvise.

Aylinn was positive Mabel's parents would get one for her. After all, they had just bought a royal paint brush last month, and were keeping it in a gallery. Nearing Mabel's house, Aylinn noticed something different about her own house across the street. She'd lived in that cozy blue house for so long, she'd started to take its appearance for granted, and she had trouble pinpointing what was wrong. But Mabel spotted it right away.

Look, the flower pots on the window sills are gone," she mused.

Aylinn shrugged. Nothing important, after all. They turned into Mabel's front yard, and the two said their goodbyes in front of Mabel's house's front door. It was a ritual - they took turns every day walking each other home. The next day it would be Mabel's turn to walk Aylinn home.

Tell me what your parents say about the paint brush," Aylinn called over her shoulder as Mabel's door began to close. She heard a "sure," and then the door was shut. Aylinn raced across the street to her own house, excited with the day's events, and eager to share the news with her parents.

The disappearance of the flowers on the window sills made her realize how little attention she paid to the appearance of her house, and now she took in every detail of it, just to make sure she still knew it. There were two neat squares of grass to either side of the walkway which led to the front door. The front door had a semi-circle shaped window above it, which let in the morning light and cast a beautiful filigreed shadow on the granite tiles of the foyer. There were windows to the right and left of the door, and that was where the flowers had been removed. Rowzez and ring vines grew in front of the house, and some other vines crept up along the siding of it. The roof's eaves held several bird's nests, and beneath that the window in the attic shone dully like a sleepy eye. Aylinn loved the attic dearly; many nights she crawled up into the attice space with a mug of hot chocolate and a book and settled down. There was a bean bag chair up there, especially for her...

Aylinn's mother called a warm hello as the front door shut. And then the aisha's loving mother appeared herself with a beatific smile on her face. Her father wasn't home at the moment, since he was at work developing better ways to harvest sniddberries. After inquiring about Aylinn's day, her mother dropped some interesting news.

Aylinn, dear, I have news. Your father just called a few minutes ago to tell me. He's gotten a new job offer... it's in Kreludor.

Oh, really," said Aylinn, not really paying attention. Job offers were nice but they didn't concern her, she was just a student.

You know what this means? We're moving to Kreludor. We already have a place picked out - it's perfect..." Her voice trailed off as she noticed Aylinn's reaction - which was a rapid change from joy to shock and despair.

Please, tell me you're joking, mum..." Aylinn half-whispered, eyes wide. "My entire life is here. My friends, my school... what about Mabel?"

I'm sure you'll find new friends at your school in Kreludor. Really, I've heard great things about the neighbourhood there. You and Mabel will still be able to write to each other - it's a big change, but your father and I feel this is an opportunity we shouldn't miss."

Aylinn didn't respond. She traipsed slowly to her room, and sank onto her bed. She couldn't believe it. Kreludor was a giant rock floating somewhere out there in space, and the only time it exhibited significance of any sort was when there was some sort of eclipse. She pondered vaguely why anyone would want to live on it. It was cold, there was no weather of any sort - except maybe electromagnetic dust storms - and, well, it was boring. Her whole life... she would be leaving her entire life behind to follow some job offer that wasn't even hers. And she would be leaving it for a rock in the sky. She flopped facedown onto her pillow and began to cry quietly.

The next morning, Aylinn woke to find her fur a bit damp and uncomfortable. She'd fallen asleep in her clothing. She was a bit confused, but a moment later it all rushed back to her. Kreludor. Moving. She twitched at a loud thump from the ground floor, and crawled out of bed. Maybe she could find a way to stay here. She could always try handcuffing herself to the sink. Mabel's family could take care of her... it was worth a try.

Going downstairs, Aylinn realized her house had been transformed. There were towers of cardboard boxes everywhere. And the walls were bare. A blue aisha plushie sat forlornly at the foot of the stairs, having fallen out of a box. Reaching it, she scooped it up gently and set to searching for the source of the thump.

ARGH... Marcy, please let me handle the heavy boxes," came her father's voice from the dining room.

Sorry, dear. Good morning, Aylinn." A box with a squished corner sat at her feet. Apparently, she'd dropped it. "I'm sorry, but I forgot to tell you we're moving right away... Your father's job starts tomorrow, and the shuttle to Kreludor leaves at two. It's very short notice, but I think you'll have time to say goodbye to your friends. I hope you'll forgive us for the sudden decision. You're not going to school today. I'll help you pack up your room, if you'd like..."

But Aylinn wasn't listening. She had a little time left --

She arrived at Mabel's door, huffing and puffing. Without bothering to knock, she let herself in. She and Mabel had been friends too long for knocking to matter, and the urgency of the situation excused her. In her rush, she ran headlong into Mabel's mother, who crashed to the floor.

I'm sorry!" panted Aylinn as she gave Mabel's mother a hand. "Is Mabel still here? I need to speak to her... we're moving today, I need to say goodbye..." Aylinn's voice trembled at the end.

Standing up, Mabel's mother shook her head sadly at the sorrow in Aylinn's voice. "I'm sorry, Aylinn... she just left for school. This is news - your parents didn't tell me anything about it." She began to walk to the kitchen, and motioned Aylinn to follow her. Once there, Aylinn sat down on the tile floor and watched the usul place various foods on the stove.

They just found out yesterday. My dad got a job offer, so we're taking a shuttle to Kreludor." Aylinn concentrated on her feet, trying not to let her tears show.

The older usul didn't know what to say, so she gave the downhearted aisha a motherly embrace. Moments later, the doorbell rang, and she shuffled off to answer it. From her location on the kitchen floor, Aylinn listened absently to parts of the conversation.

Oh, hello.... mmhmm... yes, she is... she'll be back in a moment.... I hear you're moving... oh.... that's a bummer... they'll still be able to write letters, though. Good luck in Kreludor." She closed the door.

That was your mother, dear," sighed Mabel's mom. "She needs you to go back to the house and get ready. I'm very sorry about the whole deal. But you and Mabel can still write each other... hold on, one second." The usul ran up the stairs, apparently with some mission in mind.

Returning within seconds, she cradled something in the folds of her dress. She descended the stairs carefully, and handed the bundle to Aylinn.

Aylinn gasped as she realized exactly what she was holding. It was soft... it was warm... and it meeped. It was a snowbunny. She opened her mouth to thank Mabel's mother, but no words would come.

We found him at Terror Mountain on our last vacation," smiled Mabel's mom. "You keep her. I hope she'll be good company in Kreludor... consider her a gift.

Aylinn nodded, speechless. But the usul understood perfectly.

The shuttle hummed as it sped towards Kreludor. Aylinn sat very quietly, stroking her snowbunny and looking around the shuttle's interior. It was full of shiny chrome, flashing buttons, and the smell of disinfectant. The pilot began to speak through the address system, and the speakers vibrated a bit as his magnified voice filled the cabin.

We will be landing in approximately fifteen minutes. Please take the oxygen masks offered to you by the stewards...

The shuttle had landed. Aylinn was wearing her oxygen mask, and had fitted another onto her snowbunny. She had to wear it for a few weeks until she was acclimatized, whatever that meant. She stared at her new home.

It looked like a large purple egg. Large pipes jutted out of the sides and sank deep into the rock of Kreludor - her mother said that was to anchor the house, since the gravity of Kreludor was five times less than that of Neopia - and the windows and doorway were circular. The windows appeared dim, to protect the inhabitants from radiation, but from the inside Aylinn knew they were as clear as regular glass. All in all, the house looked like a purple blob with three eyes, a mouth, and some silver roots.

Aylinn entered through the circular doorway. The house smelled like the shuttle - like disinfectant. She jumped as the door snapped shut behind her, seals making sucking noises. The house was readjusting its gravity, she supposed. She slowly climbed the stairs, eyeing each room with curiousity. The walls were bare, and a few cardboard boxes were lying around, waiting to be unpacked. Her parents were busy talking with the governor of Kreludor, leaving her alone to get used to the new house and pick out her room. She continued up the stairs.

Aylinn reached the top through a door in the ceiling. This was as high as she could go - from the window, it seemed as though she could see for miles around. Kreludor reminded her of a sponge, in an odd way. It was pocked with holes and craters. There were no trees, no flowers, no birds. She told herself she would get used to it - it was just a different environment...

Her snowbunny started to squirm, and she set it down. It began sniffing the edges of the room, as though to make sure everything was in order.

Aylinn returned to the window. It was all so different... She remained looking at the landscape for several minutes, lost in thought. She could see Neopia over Kreludor's horizon. Dark clouds roiled over a landmass currently in shadow, that would be the Haunted Woods. Currently, it was in shadow, facing away from the sun. Bits of sunlight made the clouds of Faerieland sparkle, even at this distance. A large expanse of golden sand marked the Lost Desert, which had a completely cloudless sky above it. In the middle of it all, her beloved Neopia Central sat. She closed her eyes to imagine her home one last time - she refused to call it her "old home" just yet. The other neighbourhood kids would be playing gormball right now, practicing their timing and tossing in the street. A soft, golden, russet glow would just be descending on her neighbourhood, lighting up front porches and tinging everything with a warm shade of colour. Darkness would settle so gently over the street that the inhabitants would hardly notice the change - still sitting on their front porches or playing tag in the dusk, they would gradually notice it was time to retire. Aylinn knew it all so well she could see it clearly inside her head, with not even the most trivial detail missing from the happy scene. Flowers bursting from a window sill, a hose left running on the grass, warfs running amok in the flowers--

A soft thump behind her made her jump, and she turned in time to see a flash of her father descending the stairs of the trapdoor. But then she saw something else - and her face lit up.

Her bean bag chair sat in the middle of the floor, looking familiar, inviting, and comforting all at once. Atop it lay the book she'd been reading, and on the floor rested a mug of hot cocoa.

Scooping up her snowbunny, which had been investigating the hot cocoa, she sank into her chair. She couldn't remember ever feeling more relieved - and she decided she could get used to Kreludor after all.

A Treasure Lost

Aylinn sighed as she dabbled her long ears in the water of the Rainbow Pool. The water glistened and sparkled as it rippled away from her, and her distorted reflection stared moodily back at her. The Aisha winced as the water shone sunlight into her green eyes, and she clapped her ears over them, where they dried quickly from the heat of the sun. Her fur prickled as a breeze swept over the pool – the air felt as though it had been baked in an oven. A ring of green surrounded the pool, but elsewhere the grass had withered, and the grass became lighter and lighter the further away from the water it grew.

Neopia was suffering a heat wave. The heat had begun over a month ago, but only now was it reaching its zenith. The heat made buildings appear to shimmer, and it was making the Rainbow Pool dry up. The water was at an all-time low, and a strip of mud lined the banks of it; the Petpet Puddle was in danger of disappearing. Neopets and their owners alike drooped; the heat seemed to make everyone drop into a languorous torpor. These days, most creatures napped at midday and became active at dusk when it became cooler. Aylinn normally would have taken one herself, but she had decided to stay awake today. And now I'm regretting it, she thought. No body in their right mind is outside today. Everyone would be in a building of some sort with fans blowing at full speed.

Aylinn had begun to doze off when an acorn toy bounced off of her head. She gave the smallest of flinches, and turned around to confront Deki, her owner. Deki was an odd one – today, she had on a massive straw hat to keep off the sun. Underneath the brim, Aylinn could see the dampness of sweat on Deki's face. She had an eternally mischievous -disallowed_word-or the lack of) are what makes a first impression at the NeoBoards. It only makes sense that good manners will create a good impression... so why not take a step back and just look at your manners? Try to see what others are seeing to get a good picture of yourself. Do other see you as irksome? Angelic?

The Power Of The Polite

The most important part of having good manners at the Neobards... (drumroll, please) is politeness. Not too hard to believe. If the first topic you post at Neopets declares how dumb everyone else is compared to you, you won't be greeted kindly. This goes for any topic, actually. If you're asking a question, such as "How do I get _____ avatar?" and someone gives you an answer, don't chew them out if they accidentally give the wrong one. Maybe they couldn't tell you meant the other Angelpuss avatar. They're not likely to try and help you again if you're ungrateful. Also, if someone doesn't immediately reply to your topic, don't get upset and start accusing the people of being rude. Some boards move so quickly that after two seconds they'll disappear off the front page. Well, this isn't such a hard concept to comprehend, so let's move on...

n00b

If you've ever gone to a topic on the Neoboards, chances are you've seen this word. Many times. Basically, this is a word that means a stupid person, reserved for people who post any sort of "stupidity." The difference between a newbie and a n00b? A newbie refers to someone who is actually a Newbie in status--someone who has a very young account. So "newb" doesn't necessarily mean the same thing as "n00b."

Lately it seems as though the new fad is calling people n00bs right and left. Some people ask questions that might seem silly to you, but the asker usually doesn't know the answer. It's true, it would be better if everyone with a question went to the Help board, but calling them a n00b isn't fixing anything. Either answer their question or redirect them to the Help board.

On the occasion someone is being genuinely irritating and knows it, don't bother calling them a n00b. Ignore the board. If you post there, you'll just bump the topic back up to the top, giving it more attention than it had before. It's irritating when people keep bumping up boards that stretch out the screen (a recent problem at the Avatar Board).

Personally, I've always thought that calling someone a n00b just proved your own n00bishness. If you've gone out of your way to insult someone with the word, it doesn't add to your character. You and your alleged n00b will both look foolish...

Posting Contest Answers

I have a huge issue with this. Every time the Lenny Conundrum comes out, someone can be found blabbing the answer all over the boards. I'm not sure if this goes for the Mystery Pic as well, but I'm guessing it does. It's extremely unfair for users who actually worked to find the answer. You might think you're doing a favor to everyone, sharing your infinite kindness by giving them the answer, but it's more likely you'll get reported, booed, hissed, and end up with a warning. But really, if you were bright enough to figure out the answer in the first place, you should be bright enough to read the note about not sharing answers...

Of course, there are party poopers out there who're thinking, "Ha, I don't care if I get reported/booed/hissed at." So they post a board with the answer. WHEN YOU SEE A BOARD WITH THE ANSWER, LEAVE IT ALONE!!! DON'T POST ANYTHING! YOU'LL JUST BUMP IT BACK TO THE TOP FOR MORE PEOPLE TO SEE! Posting something to make them feel foolish, or telling them you're reporting them, isn't helping. With each fresh post, the board goes back to the top... which negates the purpose of your raving mad post. I hope that in the near future, the staff will make posting the answer to any contest a freezable offense (hint, hint). Of course, that isn't very likely, but one can wish...

Stay on Topic

There's not a lot to be said here. Boards such as "I ate a cookie" and "omg my bf dumped me i'm gunna cry now" aren't welcomed. They clutter up the space, have absolutely no relation to Neopets, and are likely to attract n00b-callers. The majority of people couldn't care less, and instead of showing sympathy they'll show contempt. Now, if the Pant Devil just stole your Regulation Meridell Crossbow, you will receive sympathy; that's fine to post. Do keep your one-on-one conversations in Neomail, please. Don't expect privacy on the Neoboards--for every active chatter there are probably at least ten lurkers (people who read the boards but don't post, usually for lack of anything to say). Telling someone to go away because you're having a private conversation is a surefire way to make them stay. (The wonders of reverse psychology...)

Item Giveaways and Contests

Contests are against the rules! You can get your account iced by promising any sort of item for any sort of contest (yes, this includes avatar simon says). Feel free to hold a competition, however, as long as you make it clear that you don't intend to give away a prize. People should be competing for the fun of it, not for an item. The reasoning behind this rule is that scamming is a problem. Some chatters say they're holding a contest in their shop--whoever buys the most stuff wins an item--but this is most likely a scam. There's no guarantee they'll do any such thing... they just want your Neopoints.

Item giveaways? I know what you're thinking: What's wrong with those? Unfortunately, making boards about item giveaways promotes begging. Some of the less wealthy Neopians see these topics and develop the notion that they too can subsist on the handouts of others. Random boards of kindness attract beggars--who can resist free stuff? So then we see topics that look like this:

can i have some NP?"

will u give me stuff u don't need?"

And variations of the sort. Some beggars are polite and say please but the message is still the same... I usually ignore this sort of topic or neomail, and reply to it saying "Yes, you can have some NP. Try the Games section, there are lots of opportunities to make NP there."

I'm not saying you should be a complete penny-pinching scrooge unwilling to commit any act of kindness. I just don't think it's a good idea to make a topic about it... keep it fairly discreet. If you want, send items to people if you think they deserve it. There's no reason not to give gifts, just try not to promote begging while you do it.

Chatspeak and Grammar

Chatspeak is becoming a cliche issue in the Times. But unlike other articles, I'm not going to condemn it. I really don't care if you use chatspeak, to be honest. Well, I do prefer regular English, but chatspeak won't make my brain explode or anything. I'm certainly not advocating it, but as long as people can understand what you're trying to say without difficulty, feel free to use your chatspeak.

If you are going to use regular English on the Neoboards, try to keep your grammar decent, please! I don't mean you need to dot your i's and cross your t's perfectly (not like you actually could do anything about that with a keyboard). I don't care if a typo sneaks into your sentences. If you accidentally misspell a word, that's fine, too. I'm talking about horrifically bad grammar. The sort that's SO BAD that if it really was your best try, you wouldn't be able to operate or understand a computer. There are people who have difficulty spelling out there, but when you start putting spaces in the middle of words (even if they are spelled wrong) there's a problem. Let me give you an example.

omg i le iik fownde a chucota onn et h flore"

Translation: "OMG, I like found a Chokato on the floor!" Could you tell what it was supposed to be? Neither could I. It's no joke, this sort of topic shows up every now and then. It's rampant with mistakes... either the person who wrote it was typing WAY TOO FAST for their ability, or was doing it on purpose, in which case they fit into the "intentionally irritating" category. Either way, it takes the skill of a cryptographer to decipher the horribly mutilated English language, and typing like that doesn't say much about your intelligence.

Other stuff

Every board is different, and every one has its own "customs." It's really cute, actually. There are different turns of phrase at each board, and only the inhabitants of that particular board will know what it means. For example, going to the BD board for the very first time can be quite confusing, because you won't know what all the initials mean. SuAP? H4K? WotDF? (Super Attack Pea, H4000 Helmet, Wand of the Dark Faerie) There are some really silly acronyms at the AC (avatar chat). BAD stands for the Boiled Avocado Dumplings (or something like that, I believe). These little customs and terms become second nature once you have chosen a board for your home... but in the meantime, don't hesitate to ask someone if their board considers a certain action/phrase taboo.

In summary...

It's not too hard to maintain your dignity on the Neoboards. Actually, it's easy. Do be courteous to everyone--and they'll usually be courteous to you. If someone's bothering you, ignore them or leave the board, but don't start making sharp retorts--it just gives them more firewood to burn. Don't post contest answers... you'll just make a lot of new enemies. Do stay on topic; it's really easy. Throw in a comment about your avatar, your new Battledome weapon, your newest short story, a question, and you should be able to rustle up people's interest in what you have to say.

Try not to announce the fact that you're giving away items; every random board of kindness that you'll ever see is a beggar magnet. Don't guarantee prizes in contests... you're risking being frozen! And please do make your topics on the coherent side...

So mind your manners at the Neoboards, and you'll find them to be a useful, entertaining, and cheery resource.

The New Neopian Order, As Ordained By Sloth

Late Thursday evening, I received a thick envelope from an unknown address—4826 Grundox Street—delivered by the Express Messenger Weewoo service, which was odd, seeing as Weewoos have no wings. I was dubiously eyeing the postage, which consisted of seven Ring of Sloth stamps, when the envelope began to writhe and peel away from my hands. The paper curled up and fell in strips to the ground, leaving me staring dumbly at a sheaf of paper in a nauseating shade of green, neatly folded into thirds. I knew who had sent the envelope as soon as I saw the seal in bold black ink.

WHAT could that mad doctor possibly gain by writing to me? I thought.

The answer became clear as I unfolded the sheaf of paper—more like a novella-length book, really—and perused the first few lines.

As a reporter for the Times, my journalist's instincts told me I must spread the news. This was top-notch stuff, fresh from the hands of everyone's favourite villain. This news would make Neopians scurry to hide under their beds, it would make neopets quiver in fear of getting zapped by the lab ray, it would destroy the stock market, turn the clouds black and thunderous, make shopkeepers stay home from work, melt Terror Mountain, topple Coltzan's Shrine, close the banks, ruin the economy, and send the world of Neopia into a swirling abyss of economic depression and fear. At least, that is what I believe the writer intended to imply. Dr. Sloth always did have a flair for the dramatic.

Anyhow—the contents of Doctor Frank Sloth's letter, or more precisely, his terms for conquering Neopia—are as follows.

Dear Shakky:

You have been chosen to receive this very important message because… your name was pulled from a hat. Anyhow, I am entrusting you with the duty of informing the world of my plans and terms. You have twenty-four hours to do so, and after the given twenty-four hour period, any Neopians failing to comply with or recognize these terms will be zapped with my ray gun. I am sure you would not want any harm to befall your fellow Neopians, so I trust you will make sure this information reaches all eyes and ears.

The plan: I'm taking over Neopia. There's nothing you can do about it. Any other information regarding this plan is top-secret, so don't try to pry any hints loose.

I expect the following terms to be recognized within twenty-four hours, unless specified otherwise.

The New Neopian Order

1. Starting next week, Dr. Frank Sloth may only be referred to as His Majesty, Sir Sloth, Emperor Of All Neopia Excepting The Lost Desert Because The Heat Is Intolerable While Wearing A Black Trench Coat. Failure to do so will result in use of the ray gun.

2. Seventeen percent (17%) of all neopoints spent in the marketplace, collected from the bank, withdrawn from shop till, and earned from games will belong to me. This tariff will be called the Sloth Tax. On Sloth Appreciation Day this tax will increase to thirty-one percent (31%). Mutant Grundos will be unleashed upon anybody found to be avoiding these taxes.

3. The blimps in that silly game, Skies Over Meridell, will henceforth be used to transport ice from Terror Mountain to the Lost Desert. Those who volunteer to slave away at the mountain will have a reduced Sloth Tax rate of thirteen percent (13%). As soon as the Lost Desert has sufficiently cooled from the ice, I will extend my reign over that land, completing my goal of world conquest.

5. The Sloth Tax will be used to fund the transportation of ice to the desert. Any remaining revenue will be used to raise legions of clockwork Grundos, which will obey my every whim.

7. All Neopians must, when I venture out in public, make the proper obeisance. I will accept kneeling, bowing, or groveling.

11. When making the proper obeisance, I expect to see crowds flocking towards me begging to be used as an ottoman. However, any disruptive mobs will be remedied with a ray gun. If you turn out to be an uncomfortable ottoman, you too will be zapped with a ray gun.

13. All Neopians must learn to count using only prime numbers (and the number 'one'). All the other numbers have factors, which means they can be broken down. If something can be broken down, it is weak—and I refuse to have weakness in my dominion. So start studying. I expect all Neopians to know their prime numbers up to seven thousand fifty-seven (7,057) as of one week from this document's publishing.

17. All Neopians must set "I *heart* Sloth" as their active avatar on Tuesdays and Thursdays. The random "Sloth!" avatar will work as well. Neopians who have neither avatar will have a twenty-three percent (23%) Sloth Tax, as opposed to seventeen percent (17%).

19. Neopians sporting the Space Faerie avatar will be promptly blasted with an extra-strength ray gun.

23. You know that Splat-A-Sloth game you play? Don't.

29. Lately, I have noticed several pieces of artwork featuring yours truly in only his undergarments—namely, white underpants with red hearts. I am shocked that my loving fans would publicize such scandalous media. Such frivolous undergarments are beneath my dignity. As future ruler of Neopia, I demand that such libelous documents be deleted, and never contemplated again. Besides, the hearts are pink, not red.

31. Neopia must recognize that I am not the Happiness Faerie. I had been hoping to keep it a secret, but the Happiness Faerie is actually a relation of mine. He… it… happens to be my very, very, confused cousin. Any mention of this relation, unless used with my permission, will incur my wrath.

37. I want my own line of interior design products. This includes but is not limited to chairs, desks, lamps, bean bags, chandeliers, rugs, paintings, and various other household fixtures. One room in every Neohome is required to be dedicated to my dashing image.

41. Those fat little neopets, what's their name…Chias! Yes, those—they come in forty-four different colors. Why isn't there a Sloth Chia yet? I demand that they also be painted Sloth. Neopia hasn't lived until it has seen a Chia that looks like me!

43. There will be no more Sloth Invasion Tax, because I will already have made Neopia my own. I can't call it an invasion tax if there's nothing left to invade.

47. Arbitrary taxes will be imposed on all Neopians to make up for the loss of the Sloth Invasion Tax. These will include but are not limited to: Smelly Sock Tax, Kielbasa Tax, and Tuesday Tax.

53. The Island Mystic will be appointed as my financial advisor. He will be in charge of collecting all aforementioned taxes and assigning new ones. Such a smart Kyrii, he is. He's got a head full of good sense.

59. Taelia has her own Negg, so why can't I? Every Negg collector needs a Sloth Negg in his or her gallery. It'll be green with red eyes and black trench coat. It also needs that funny little hairdo…

61. Sometime in Year 7, I expect the Usukicon to be advertising an all-new Sloth Usuki doll. The Sloth Usuki will be superior to all other usukis, come with a removable black trench coat, and have red eyes that shoot real lasers. The Usuki industry (and Doctor Sloth, for that matter) is not responsible for any injury, damage, loss of visual acuity, or global warming caused by the Sloth Usuki toys.

71. Random events in which transmogrification potions are given out will be increased by 17%. The more mutants, the better. Neopia doesn't need pets in silly faerie get-ups.