Narrator: (in a fake British accent) Hello, and welcome to Ecology, What Will You Think Of Next? Today, we will attempt to track down Nitrogen, a magnificent element. Wait!- (pause) Do you hear that? It sounds like a thunderstorm, the mother of Nitrogen! (looks around) I think we might be approaching one now… [Thunderstorm stands with Nitrogen behind the sheet Thunderstorm is holding up] (slinks around until they spot it) There it is! Shhh…

Thunderstorm: (holding up sheet) BOOM! CRASH! CRASH! (drops it dramatically, revealing Nitrogen) [Thunderstorm exits. Nitrogen comes around front of desk]

Narrator: (gasps) What a marvelous day! There she is! NITROGEN!

Nitrogen: (looks around seemingly bored while scratching rear until she sees audience.) Oh… um… Tada?

Narrator: I told you it was marvelous, didn't I? I'm always right, aren't I? Yes. Yes, I am. Right, back on track! Though this element is gorgeous in its original beauty, it is useless! Yes, just like the mysterious creature Paris Hilton, it is totally and utterly incompetent! But plants and animals alike need Nitrogen to make proteins [Road Kill is placed atop Mrs. Legard's desk] fore if we had no proteins then we'd be…well…like him. (points to Road Kill)

Road Kill: (holding up sign reading: "DEAD)

Narrator: Right…Moving on (throws Road Kill offstage). So, this is when Nitrifying Bacteria comes in. And there's one now! Oh, we're in for a show! (giggles like a schoolgirl)

Nitrifying Bacteria: [Nitrifying Bacteria pounces on stage] GR! (laughs manically)

Narrator: Nasty buggers, Nitrifying Bacteria. Vicious. You will see that Bacteria will cause Nitrogen to undergo Nitrogen Fixation-

N. Bacteria: (clamps hands around Nitrogen's neck and shakes her)

Narrator: (tries to continue on)

Nitrogen: (Gurgles (and other such noises) loudly)

Narrator: (growls) I said FIXation! Not Asphyxiation.

N. Bacteria: Aw…

Narrator: Vicious.

N. Bacteria: Why, thank you.

Narrator: Why are you talking?! You're bacteria; you don't even have vocal cords let alone a mouth!

N. Bacteria: Spoil sport.

Narrator: As I was TRYING to say (N. Bacteria sticks tongue out), Nitrifying Bacteria captures Nitrogen (N. Bacteria grabs Nitrogen in a strangle hold.) and morphs her into Nitrate! (N. Bacteria pulls shirt off of Nitrogen revealing another different colored shirt)

Nitrate: (starts to sing) I feel pretty. Oh, so pre- [N. Bacteria exits and puts on Hanky costume]

Narrator: It's MY show, people! Is that concept so difficult to understand?!

Nitrate: (pouts)

Narrator: Now, Plant [Corn enters] can use her to make much needed proteins…

Corn: (locks arms with Nitrate)

Narrator: and, in turn, the animal, [Cow enters] after consuming the plant, can use his protein to make some of their own.

Cow: (locks arms with Corn)

Narrator: And then the animal…excretes… wastes.

Mr. Hanky: [Mr. Hanky enters holding Road Kill] HIDEY-HO!

Narrator: And…What is your name, um, good sir?

Mr. Hanky: (singsong) I'm Mr. Hanky, the Christmas-

Narrator: That's quite enough of that.

Mr. Hanky: Awww.

Narrator: And "Mr. Hanky" delivers nitrates back into the soil along with his buddy, Road Kill.

Mr. Hanky: (locks arms with animal)

Narrator: The Nitrogen Cycle at it's finest!

Nitrate, Plant, Animal, and Mr. Hanky: (cheer)

Narrator: But-

Nitrate, Plant, Animal, and Mr. Hanky: Huh? (scared)

Narrator: All good things must come to an end. (shoves Plant, Animal and Mr. Hanky away from Nitrate) [Corn, Cow and Mr. Hanky exit]

Nitrate: Whaddaya mean?

Narrator: I mean, there is a Snidely Whiplash to our little heroic tale here.

Nitrate: There is?

Narrator: Oh yes, (pulls out flashlight, shining in own face) someone more vicious and dastardly than Nitrifying Bacteria!

Nitrate: Gasp!

Narrator: Yes, and he brings about disaster for you and your newfound confidence! He causes…

Nitrate: Causes what?!

Narrator: Denitrification!

Nitrate: NO!

Narrator: Yes! And he's going to get you! [Denitrifying Bacteria enters]

Nitrate: (screams like a little girl)

Narrator: (evil laugh)

D. Bacteria: (grabs Nitrate and places Nitrogen shirt across her)

Nitrate: NO! You can't make me! I don't want to be Nitrogen again! I have friends now! (dragged out of classroom) [D. Bacteria and Nitrate exit out door]

Narrator: (fixes hair) Thank you for watching Ecology, What You Think Of Next?. Tune in next time for Water: What A Finicky Molecule!