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Vasputin's Guide to Surviving Terror Mountain
The Siberia of Neopia The glistening snow crunches underfoot as you trek toward the white mountain in the distance. You raise your bare arm to wipe the salty sweat from your forehead, only to shiver violently as a gust of wind blows by. «Meepits!! How can I be sweating when it's so freaking cold?!» you yell in frustration to no one in particular. «A question I suppose even the Meepits have no answer to!» a voice answers from behind. After your heart makes the obligatory attempt to jump from your throat in terror and surprise, you spin around and look about wildly. (Hey, it's normal to be a little crazy after two days of hiking alone in a frozen wasteland.) «Who's there?! Show yourself! I'm warning you, I have a dung bomb and I'm not afraid to use it!» you shriek, shaking your fists around for good measure.
Immediately a ball of teal and cream fluff pokes out from behind an innocent pile of snow. «Privyet! No dung!» The fluff ball then jumps into the open to reveal an elaborately dressed Wocky wearing rather strange clothes. Strange... but warm. You pay no heed to the covetous drool dribbling from your bottom lip as you stare at the clothes greedily. «Pri... priv what?» you ask, a little confused as you shake your head to regain your senses. The Wocky grins crookedly as his bushy tail, which you are fully convinced would serve better as a neck warmer for yourself, swishes around behind him. «Privyet! It is the native greeting in this land. That is, Terror Mountain, and the Siberian landscape surrounding it. I am Vasputin, and I would appreciate it if you would not throw a dung bomb at me. Who are you, strange dung flinger?» «Oh! Hi.. or, private, whatever... Err, I'm guest. Sorry about the dung. I guess I'm kind of lost.. well, not kind of lost. VERY lost.» You eye him dubiously. «Umm.. could, could you possibly show me the way to Terror Mountain? I've always heard stories and rumors about it, but I wanted to see it for myself.» Vasputin's eyes brighten and he jumps in excitement. «Ah! A stranger brave enough to make the perilous journey to my native land alone! Wonderful!» He runs around in a small circle quickly in his jubilation, making you doubt whether or not you should make a run for it now so you don't get stuck with this crazy Wocky. «Of course! Of course I will show you the way, as well as the ways of us natives who inhabit the land! Come along!» he yells and leaps past you to run toward the mountain, leaving you to scramble after him and scream for him to slow down.
After a while of running you are finally able to get ahead of him. Before your smug smirk has time to form, however, Vasputin skids to a stop, spraying you with a wave of loose snow. «Look friend guest, we've arrived!» Wiping the snow off your back and grumbling, you look around at the bustling city. «This is Happy Valley. It lies at the base of the mountain. It is the place that most natives of the mountain live, and most visitors to our land do not venture further. With good reason, too. It is a far cry from the name Terror Mountain has earned itself.» Vasputin looks at you to gauge your reaction to his Mountain Tour only to notice that you are shivering too badly to hear what he was saying. «Ah! My friend, you are cold! And it is no surprise, a shirt and jeans are no kind of clothes for mountain life. I know just where to take you.»
«This is where natives get decked out in proper snow attire. Come in and take a look around.» As you step into the cozy little store, you immediately sense the merry atmosphere (and thus understand where the shop got its name), but have little time to let it sink in.. because upon seeing the first rack of fluffy fur-lined coats you unhesitatingly launch into it and wrap yourself up like a cocoon. Vasputin laughs and pulls you out. «Yes, they are very warm! But here, let's take a look around first before you make a selection.» Vasputin pulls your hand along, leading you to each clothing section separately. He even models his own gear to help you make each choice.
«Ah, wonderful!» Vasputin cries as he watches you don your new wardrobe. He seems so choked up with pride that it looks like he's holding back tears. What is WRONG with this Wocky? They're just clothes..., you wonder incredulously as he sniffles. You begin to inch toward the exit, ready to sprint away, before he smiles and jumps around. «Yes, yes friend! I can see you are eager for me to take you elsewhere! No fear friend guest! I know just where to go next!» You don't even have time to groan before he is quickly nudging you out of this store and into a different one. 
«Sluuuuuuuushies!» Vasputin exclaims, his eager eyes darting around. You notice that the striped Eyrie shopkeeper has a rather bemused look as he sees his newest customers.
«Hello again Vasputin, short time no see. Who's your friend?» the Eyrie asks, looking over to you. «This is guest! guest wanted to see Terror Mountain, and now wants a slushie!» Vasputin answers matter-of-factly. You raise an eyebrow, clearly not recalling any time you suggested anything of the sort. But now that you look around... well, your new winter wardrobe is getting pretty warm, and a nice cold slushie would be just the thing to cool you off. You vaguely wonder if the reason the heater being on at full blast is a ploy by the shopkeeper to get more business. The Eyrie looks delighted. «Well you've come to the right place, guest! Here, allow me to suggest some of our most popular slushies.»
You pull at your scarf warily as you slurp down your slushie. You are quite certain by now that the shopkeeper has intentionally turned his shop into an oversized oven and your slushie is melting. Before you can be ripped off any more (1,500 neopoints is really too much for a slushie...), you pull Vasputin out of the shop to salvage your frozen delight. It only occurs to you too late that he will take this as a sign to rush you into the next stop on his Mountain Tour... which he is only too happy to do. «Never before have I met a stranger so impatient to see all the wonders of my native land! I understand of course. Come now, there is one more stop in Happy Valley before we move on to the next part of the mountain!»
After you are herded to the next destination, you can see that your Wocky tour guide is literally shaking with excitement and joy. You smile despite yourself and look to see what he is about to explode over. You read the sign, «Wintery Pet...» «...ting Zoo!» Vasputin cuts you off and leaps into the store. The first thing you see when you walk into the store is the Bruce shopkeeper's exasperated face. «Vasputin, do I have to tell you every time? The Abominable Snowmen melt if you pet them too fast! This is not a petting zoo, it's a petpet shop...» The Bruce trails off as he catches sight of you. «Oh! Hello there, welcome to my shop.» He eyes Vasputin unsurely. «Err, feel free to have a look around. You may pet the petpets at your own risk. We assume no responsibility for any injuries.» The Bruce narrows his eyes at Vasputin before waddling back behind the counter, grumbling something about overexcitable Wockies. Vasputin throws you a wide grin and beckons you to him. «Over here! These ones are some of my favorites.»
You find yourself so enthralled by petting the small creatures that it is Vasputin who must pull you out of the shop. You sigh wistfully, «But that Snowickle was perfect! I want it...» Vasputin chortles and shakes his head. «My friend, I have lived here my entire natural life, and not even I have seen that shop restock a real Snowickle! That one you saw was just for display. But we have already loitered too long here! This is only the base of the mountain. Let's go see how Terror Mountain earned its name, shall we?»
The Wocky leads you up a steep, winding ice slope. You are just about to complain about the long journey when you realize that no one is listening. Vasputin has disappeared. «Hey, Vasputin! Pri... private? Privyet?» At that a teal head pops out of what seems like a wall of snow. «Ah, privyet, guest! But now is not the time for greetings! Now is the time to follow your friend Vasputin into the Ice Caves,» he says as he pulls you into a crevice in the ice. Once you regain your balance, your eyes widen as you look around at the silent, sparkling wonderland you have found yourself in. Massive, elegant icicles jut down from the ceiling as if attempting to stab those few bodies that dare to move along below. There is but a small fraction of the beings which populated Happy Valley. Yet even so you feel that no one belongs in this majestic place; somehow it should be forbidden to the mundane existences of living creatures. You blink rapidly, suddenly wondering what is amiss. Your gaze falls down to Vasputin beside you. He has been standing quietly beside you the entire time. ...Quietly, as in not chattering rapidly. That wasn't like him. Vasputin, understanding your confusion, nods toward the icy hollow. «We natives always respect the inviolability of the Caves. They have taken millions of years to form and must be respected. Come now, I'll show you what has found itself settled here.»
As you are staring up at the slightly terrifying ice ceiling, it is suddently blanketed by a shock of bright yellow. You look around in confusion and realize that Vasputin has taken you to your first stop. The atmosphere is unrecognizable in comparison to the caves. Vibrant colors are everywhere, accented with happily flashing lights and trilling whirls and noises. The room seems entirely out of place in the caves, and just as you are wondering who could have the sense (or rather nonsense) to put it here... «COUSIN VAS VAS!» comes a shriek from somewhere in the brightness. You yelp in surprise as a goldenrod flash knocks you down and pummels the tour guide behind you. You scramble back up to glare in indignation. As you get ready to begin your rant about the lack of manners in goldenrod flashes nowadays, you find yourself tounge-tied. The flash, now materialized, was a yellow, feminine, shorter version of Vasputin. Since when did Wockies practice mitosis?
«Vaspuuuutin! Where have you been? Why haven't you been here to see me?!» the yellow Wocky demanded in her high-pitched wail. As she is pinning him down you notice that their tails swish around exactly in sync. «Kiki, my kiosky cousin! Do not be angry with Vasputin! I have been outside the borders of Happy Valley in search of the perfect fir for next Christmas.» So THAT'S how this crazy Wocky found you. Huh. You make a mental note of how odd it is that he is already looking for a tree for next Christmas. «But Kiki, my kiosk conoisseur! Look what I have found! A visitor to our land! This is guest.» Kiki jumps off of Vasputin and hops around in glee: a perfect imitation of her cousin. «Ah! A visitor, yay! Oooh but you must have heard of my Scratchcard Kiosk, new friend guest?» You blink and shake your head side to side slowly, too distracted with the horrifying thought of a snowy wasteland full of Vasputin clones to remember if you actually had. «But my kiosk is famous!» Kiki whines, obviously upset by the thought that someone in Neopia hadn't heard of her. «Well, any friend of Vasputin deserves a freeee scratchcard!»
You grimace at the circles and begin to scratch them off tentatively, hoping that any prize you may get won't be as crazy and potentially dangerous as the Wocky who gave it to you.
Kiki's face seems to fall in disappointment, but you have a feeling that her reaction is completely fabricated. «Awww, sorry guest, you didn't win. Maybe next time! Come and buy more scratchcards and you'll definitely win eventually.» Vasputin's head shakes sadly beside you. «Life is full of hardships, my friend. But anywho! Cousin Kiki, we must be going now if I am to finish showing guest our land before dark. I must show you later a fir so perfect that it will make you cry in happiness, as I did when I saw it. Farewell fair cousin!» Kiki smiles crookedly and waves as you leave the eyesore kiosk with Vasputin.
On your way out, you notice a deep cave with the wide, yawning entrace completely deserted. You begin to gravitate toward it, but Vasputin gasps and immediately pulls you back. «No, no, no! I thought my friend valued life!» You furrow your eyebrows and reply, «Of course I do, but I want to go see what's in there. Why isn't anyone around?» Vasputin eyes the cave entrance nervously and shuffles you away even quicker. «That is the dwelling of the notorious Snowager. The Snowager is a monstrous beast that sits atop a pile of treasure and EATS anyone who comes near. Avoid him unless you would prefer life in the belly of a worm.» You seriously consider this as possibly being a step up from being dragged around by an insane mountain Wocky, but are dragged out of the ice caves before you have time to act on the consideration.
Immediately upon stepping out from the caves, the wind bites at your exposed skin relentlessly. It is as if raging starved Meepits were let loose... on your face. «OW!» you cry out in tortured pain. «WOW is right! This is Terror Moutain,» Vasputin shouts to you over the howling wind, «we aren't exactly in Happy Valley anymore! Now let's see what it has to offer us!»
Your relief from getting out of the storm is forgotten in the face of a swarming tight pack of Neopets and Neopians. Everyone is yelling and waving around wads of neopoints. You immediately begin to feel claustrophobic as you try to shoo the strangers out of your personal bubble.
«Hey! I was here first buddy, you're going to have to pry this Green Frost Cannon out of my hands if you want it for yourself!» another Neopian scoffs as he snaps the colorful cannon from in front of you. Your eyes widen in amazement; you hadn't even seen it appear there before someone was rearing to take it. It isn't until you see the price that you understand. «50 neopoints?! For a Green Frost Cannon?! I could sell that for over a hundred times that! Hey, you...!» Vasputin watches in amusement as you join the frenzy and start trying to snag a good deal. After a few minutes, though, you realize that everything is gone.
«This, my friend guest, is why many people make the perilous journey to the mountain.» Vasputin looks beside you at the approaching yellow Chia. The Chia looks conciliatory. «Hello there Vasputin... and, well, Vasputin's friend. My name is Carassa, my brother Mika and I have been having this garage sale for what seems like forever. I'm not even sure where all our stuff comes from, since it is physically impossible to fit all of this into one igloo. Anyway, I'm so sorry that you missed a good deal, but you came right at the end of our restock. We do them about eight times an hour, so stick around if you want a lot for a little.» With that Carassa scurries off back to her brother. Too annoyed and bitter to concentrate, you fold your arms and look outside. To your surprise it is already dark. There is no way you would be able to navigate down the mountain without light. «Oh, Meepits... Vasputin, I need to go home. Soon. But it's too...» The Wocky smiles and holds up a paw. «I understand, it's too wonderful for you to even think about leaving. But sadly you are right, the top of Terror Mountain is no place for the unfamiliar traveller at night. Never fear, Vasputin knows just the solution.»
After once again having your face bitten off by the Wind Meepits, you enter a rather strange room. The floor, walls, and ceiling are all a dull beige color with no adornments or markings of any kind. It's kind of creepy, actually. You shift your weight uncomfortably, which makes a tiny clopping noise. You blink. You shift again: another clopping noise. Since when did your weight shifts emit colliding sounds? Just as possible diet and exercise options are going through your mind you see the source of the noises. A red Ixi has appeared through a square hole in one wall that you did not even notice. You peer into the hole and see a long corridor sloping gradually downward. «Tarla!» Vasputin cries in mirth. The Ixi looks up, apparently not having expected visitors, and smiles warily. «Hi, Vasputin... err, what do you want? I mean. Uhh, how can I be of service to you? Everything's in the warehouse now.» Your tour guide shakes his head and nudges you forward. «This is my friend guest. I have just shown guest the entire mountain from the bottom up, and now it is too dark to go back down.» A look of relief washes over the Ixi Tarla's face. She seems to be glad that the favor does not have to do with dealing with Vasputin at all. You sympathize and hope that the favor will be extended to yourself as well. «Sure, I'll take guest back down.» Tarla replies as she eyes the hole she came from with a sly smile. «The Shop of Mystery has more than items and neopoints up its sleeve.»
Tarla waves you over to the hole in the wall and climbs in, waiting for you to follow. A small look of sadness crosses Vasputin's features. His tail has stopped its happy swishing. «I am grieved to see you leave, my new friend. I hope you will come back to visit me.. uuhh, I mean, the mountain. Yes, the mountain will miss you, guest.» His ears fall down and you, despite all this crazy Wocky has put you through, cannot help but feel that you will miss 'the mountain' as well. You smile and put a hand on his strange furry hat. «I'll miss the 'mountain' too, Vasputin, but only for a little while. One day I'll say privyet to the mountain once again.» With that you step into the hole and follow Tarla down the corridor, glancing back just in time to see Vasputin scurrying out into the storm muttering something about the undeniable perfection of a certain Christmas fir.
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