Name: Proctoru
Date Began: March 2004

I... I'm unsure of a lot of things. I don't understand my life. My parents are young, as am I. I've been in and out of a number of psychiatric institutions for "problems" I have. I don't think I have problems... but they told me that it's natural for me to feel that way because of them.

I'll sit and talk to the shrink... for hours at a time sometimes. We talk about things like how my week has been going. I don't know how that helps me. I don't know how anyone plans to help me.

I feel secluded. I feel alone. I feel lonely in a crowded room at times. Like everyone is avoiding me. Avoiding me, but staring at the same time. Staring at the freak. The hybrid. The crossbreed.

Sometimes I'll wander off to places I'm not supposed to be. I'll take things. Hide them. I forget about them and find them later, and I'll wonder where they came from. I'll get scolded for taking them, but not remember doing it. I'll blame it on my petpet. Then I remember I don't have a petpet.

The time I spend while at the institution isn't all that bad. Sometimes we get ice cream, but I also get to visit with friends I've made along the way. They have "problems" too, or so the shrinks say. Some have eating problems, others talk to people who aren't really there... and some are like me.

Not like me in the sense that they're crossbred, but like me in the sense that they are sad and feel alone a lot. Some of them have ways to try and get around it. Things that make them happy. I tried those things, and they don't work.

I have scars on my arms from all the times my mind made me do strange things. I'd watch the point of a piece of metal or a stick make a thin red line all the way from the inside of my elbow down to my palm, as if I was drawing it there with red ink. I liked doing it. That's when I'd go to the institution and talk to the shrink...

Entry #2
Dear Journal

I'm going to write about my parents today. I blame my parents for a lot of things. When I was born, I lived with my mom. She would try her best to take care of me, but there was always something she'd be preoccupied with. I was alone a lot, so I blamed her for not being there to raise me right.

As for my dad, he wasn't any better, if not worse, than my mom. He's never around. I hardly see him. What I do see of him makes me want more than anything not to grow up to be like him.

Both of them are very young... and neither of them know how to raise children. I was adopted by Elebrafe, and she gives me a lot of the attention I lacked when I was younger.

That's about all on my parents... I'd rather not write too much about them because it makes me mad sometimes.

Entry #3
Dear Journal:

I'm writing this from my outside fort. Xyeniko helped me build it. She lives out in the Lost Desert, but she comes to visit a lot. She's younger than me, but treats me as if I was her little brother. I look up to her, and I rely on her for a lot of things.

My fort is in a tree. I had to be careful not to hurt myself while we built it. I didn't want to see Xyeniko sad. She gets sad when I hurt myself. She doesn't like the red lines on my arms.

I want to take part in the things that normal people do. I want to go out and live like Xyeniko. Though I know... I won't be able to. At least not for a long time anyway.

I'm trying my hardest to get better though. I'm going to try my hand at the beauty contest. Maybe meeting new people will help. I hope so.

Entry #4
Dear Journal:

Someone asked if there were any pictures of me today. I haven't been in the beauty contest yet so I don't have many to show. I will once I start entering. That will be in a few weeks when Obsidhian is done. It's his turn right now. Xyeniko and Thaerah already had their turns, and I'm last. Even though I was the first born out of any of us, I'm last. I think that's because I'm still getting used to trying to fit in. I'm almost ready, and I can't wait until that time comes. Both of my parents have won their share of beauty contests. I want to show them I can be just as good, if not better, than both of them.

I was also asked what color I would like to be painted today. I thought it would be really cool to be electric. :) We're working on saving neopoints for an electric paint brush for me. I can't wait until we have enough. I want to be painted so bad!

Entry #5
Dear Journal:

Today I was painted electric! I'm so happy to finally be painted. I kept the paintbrush too. It doesn't work anymore, but it's a neat thing to keep around. My next goal is to get a petpet. I don't know what kind to get, though. We're eating in the soup kitchen nowadays though since my paint brush was so expensive. Obsidhian wants to be painted next. He's going to be shadow.

Thaerah is done in the beauty contest. I think I finally get to enter. :)

Entry #6
Dear Journal:

I'm not feeling well today. Things just aren't going as they should. I feel sad and angry at the same time. Nothing has gone wrong that would cause me to feel bad again, but I do. I don't know why. I... never know why.

...

I don't feel like writing anymore today... I just want... to be left alone.

Entry #7
Dear Journal:

It's official. Starting on May 14th, I will be entered into the beauty contest. When I heard it was finally my turn, I felt happy again. I just hope the depression doesn't come back for a while. I don't like feeling sad when there's no reason to be sad. Here is my picture in tiny form:

You can click on it to see it bigger. :)

Entry #8
Dear Journal:

I won my first beauty contest trophy! I'm so excited! My very first time entering and I won a pretty gold trophy. Here is a picture of it:

Isn't it cool? I'm really happy to win! I also got to spend some time with Nikki and Alex Endo last week. I was competing against Nate, and he's a really great guy. I don't get to enter next week, but this week I get to be in the contest again. Xyeniko is in the picture with me. :)

Entry #9
Dear Journal:

The result of that contest was a silver trophy. n__n Now I have two trophies... and I'm banned. :( That's the only problem. I don't get to enter again for a long, long time. So I'm now painted, I have two trophies, and I have a petpet.

I didn't write about my petpet before, but I will now. :) His name is Vasquez, and he's a gremble. He's what most people would call ugly, but I love him all the same. He's just misunderstood. Like me.

Entry #10
Dear Journal:

With all the good things that have happened lately it's hard to believe that there were even more good things headed my way. I got some adoptables of my own today. They're like mini versions of me. I think they're really cute.

Entry #11
Dear Journal:

My parents are going to be in the beauty contest again soon. Not sure when, but regardless of how much I dislike them, I hope they win. Being in the contest will hopefully keep their minds off of... other things...

Entry #12
Dear Journal:

My dad won first place in the kyrii division of the beauty contest last week. My mom got second place in the cybunny division. We had a family get-together of sorts, and I got to see the both of them. My mom gushed about how big I was getting (or something like that) and I played some video games with my dad. He's just like a big kid it seems, and I think it's because of that we're somewhat closer now. I asked him a few things... things about how everything was and stuff. It seemed to me like he sobered up to the world recently... he's a lot smarter now and thinks before he acts. I'm glad for that. :)

Entry #13
Dear Journal:

I feel weird today. I'm not sure what's wrong. It's probably nothing. Xyeniko gave me a hug and told me she loved me and that she'd always be there if I needed her. She didn't need to tell me that though. I knew that already. I just wish I knew what was wrong... I think I'll just lie down for now and sleep for a while. Sometimes that helps. Sometimes not.

Entry #14
Dear Journal:

I'm in the beauty contest again. Whatever was bothering me before is still nagging at the back of my mind, but I've pushed it away for now. I'm not going to let it distract me from trying my best in the contest. Here's my picture:

Entry #15
Dear Journal:

My picture won first in the kyrii division and third place overall! I'm so happy! I've forgotten about what was bothering me before, but I'll think of it later. Right now I'm really proud of myself. I got two new trophies, and I'm entered again. I love being entered in the beauty contest. There are all sorts of new people to meet. :)

I've got a new picture in the contest as well. I think I'm a bit too blue in this one, but that's okay. I have a butterfly in a jar. After the picture was done, I let the butterfly out and it flew away.

My picture won first place in species, so I have another gold trophy now. :)

Entry #16
Dear Journal:

It's been a while since I've written anything... sorry about that. I've been busy doing other things... nothing worth writing about though. I will say that since my last entry, I've been in the beauty contest again. I have a picture of myself and Vasquez. I won another gold trophy. It looks like this:

That's all for now. Maybe I'll have more to write about later.

Entry #17
Dear Journal:

It's been a while since I last wrote. I'm thinking about entering the beauty contest again, since the last time I won was back in April. It's December now. Xyeniko wants to enter too, but she told me she'll wait until I'm done so we don't have to compete with each other. She's always been so nice to me.

Earlier today we got a neomail that had a poem in it. The poem was written by eatik. I'm excited that someone took the time to write a poem for me. :)

I locked up my door,
So people can't come in.
But I've done this before,
So they know how to win.
I want to run away,
To escape this cruel world.
But why, I cannot say.
I'm never really sure.
In case they try to call,
I unhooked the telephone.
So I won't hear them from the hall,
I turned up the radio.
There's no reason why at all,
But I want to be alone.
I just want to be alone.

Entry #18
Dear Journal:
Disorganized

After a long time, I finally found you. I don't like cleaning my room... I can't ever find anything after I do. I guess I put you in a drawer I thought I would remember... but I didn't. I started keeping track of everything on regular paper, but then I couldn't keep track of the paper. I'm not very organized. :( Xyeniko says I should keep better track of my things... she knows what's best for me. I got a labeler for my birthday, which was also in the drawer that you, my journal, was in. I think maybe I'll use it.

Or maybe not.

The beauty contest is now off-limits to me and Xyeniko. That makes me sad. Some new rule... oh well. Thaerah moved away. I will miss him even though we didn't talk very much. Xyeniko said we can go to see him sometimes. He moved away to a farm I think. Obsidhian has been packing lately... I wonder if he's going away, too?

Entry #19:
Dear Journal:
Frightened

Sripaln moved in today. He's really frightening. He has to stay in a cage all the time because all he ever wants to do is break things. He got a hold of Vasquez... poor Vasquez. He had to be all bandaged up and stuff for a long time, but he's better now. I'm terrified of Sripaln... I hope he moves away so that Thaerah can come back! I want Thaerah back! He was much nicer. I went to see him with Xyeniko yesterday... he told us he was very happy and that we shouldn't worry. He also told me not to worry about Sripaln. Eventually he'll get nicer... at least I hope so. :(

Entry #20:
Dear Journal:
Relieved

Sripaln moved out. Or rather... he was taken away because it wasn't safe to keep him here. I met a friend of my dad's today. His name is Piraktos. He's really eccentric and he talks with a funny accent. I can't understand what he's saying. My dad said I met him before when I was really little, but I don't remember. Xyeniko said she had heard of him before from Deemontai. She said that Deemontai is really good friends with Piraktos, and she knew Deemontai a long time ago. Who is this Deemontai?

Entry #21
Dear Journal:
Ashamed

I did something bad today. I took something that belonged to someone else. It was a dusty old koi plushie with a creepy eye that kept watching me wherever I went. It belonged to Kirodorn and I took it because I lost the plushie that I had. I didn't know it had a creepy eye. Xyeniko scolded me and told me to return it. I was scared to because Kirodorn is usually very mean. I haven't done it yet. I hid it in my room. The creepy eye still follows me, but I don't mind anymore. I've named him Embellishments because of all his stitching. I still feel bad for stealing, but it's been too long to give him back now, hasn't it? Right? :(

Entry #22
Dear Journal:
Down

I can enter the beauty contest again. I don't know when. For some reason I'm not very excited about it. I thought I would be. I have a headache. I think I'm going to lie down for a while. I haven't seen Xyeniko in a few days. I miss her already. :(