The days and happiness that were surrounded by flowers have no meaning
Because they always reached you who was smiling nearby
That kind of a world you were in, that I was in
Is now too far away for even a voice to reach
The deep rain and the faint nights
I'll wait for the day they return
Your Flower and Rain, My Voice by Gumi
My chest feels painful and tight, and I can't breathe. I try to call for help, but there is no breath to call with. And I know then that I am going to die now. Peacefully, quietly, I will pass away from this world. This is how my story will end.
It is ironic that I dream of spring now, of blooms and buds and birds. The butterflies that flickered like jewels in the wind and fluttered into my garden. The soft clouds that scattered across the light warm skies. The soft murmur of voices that I could hear over the garden wall.
That last thought gives me pause. My life has always consisted of my house and my garden and I; nothing more, nothing less. In truth, I feel a little empty now, looking over my life so objectively like this. It's too late, but I find myself wondering: could I have done more?
No. I could not have.
The answer hits me hard, even though it is something that I have known since childhood. The garden, the house, and I. That's all.
The cold seeps into my bones like winter.
Is this all? Is this it?
I hope my next life is filled with spring.
Alleria is more like a butterfly than a living being; delicate, ephemeral, and short-lived, like a spring insect. Her health has always been unbalanced, her translucent skin easy to form bruises. Even more than that, it seems as though her mind itself has never been quite attached to the living. She always spent most of her time dreaming, her waking hours seeming more like the dreams than her slumber. In truth, she never felt the hard gritty emotions of hunger and want, or if so, only in a vague way as we do in dreams.
about allie
I adopted Alleria a bit over two years ago through a petpage application. At the time, my character and design for her were very well-known to myself, or so I thought; I knew her favorite color (lavender), her favorite person (her brother, Avon), and her greatest fear (death). Her persona was one that I had been working on in my head for a long time before I even knew she existed. Soon after she became a part of my family, I scrapped this design. Shortly after followed a string of interrelated designs, one after another, each loved and valued in their own way, but ultimately rejected. I have drawn her so many times (really, the displayed art is only a small fraction of how prominently she is featured in my lecture notes) that in a way, she is like my child.
Overall, Allie has been through over ten unique petpages and countless characters, although each character has always revolved around her core personality traits which never change throughout all her "lives". Now more than ever, Allie is deeply close to my heart, as she has become more than a simple design to me--she is Alleria, the girl who dwells equally in the land of the waking and the land of dreams, who cannot hold onto life, who chooses serenity over all earthly desires. And of course, I know more odd details and facts about her than ever--even the pH of her garden soil, which is very odd even to me. Visually, Allie's appearance is as variable as the wind; I draw her as I wish, without relying on a strict character sheet, making her my ideal model and muse.
In short, Allie is my darling, and will never leave me. ♥
Drag the image to the address to see full size.
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A ceramic Junpei done in Ceramics class. Unfortunately the proper glaze colors weren't available, so I had to settle with a blue-purple rather than lilac.
❖ Coding, art and writing by Solo (paws265)
❖ Background tile image by Impmon