Let me guess. You saw your dream pet UFA, and fell head-over-heels in love. You just have to apply, but where to start? Let's say you've already read the guides, found the perfect layout, and written down all you want to say. Let's say you're ahead of the deadline, and everything is going wonderfully. What comes next?
This is where I get involved. My name is Ray, and here at Poise I review pet adoption applications. Send me your app, a link to the rules page, and the pet you are applying for. I'll check for any grammatical errors, look for viewing problems, and overall help you improve your application. Why not give it a try? See the rubrics section for more details.
News and Updates
April 28, 2012+1 button
Currently working on Amy's review, all reviews should be finished by tomorrow (:
April 25, 2012+1 request
Poise is re-vamped and open again! Please neomail me and let my know how you like the new layout, by the lovely Emma. I'm also looking for more affies, so I think I'll post some sitely news in Simple Gifts tomorrow! (:
- Updates cleared -
Short & SweetA short pro/con review. Works well for neomail applications too!
Rated ReviewRecommended for petpage applications under a close deadline.
One and DoneFor applications that have only one section that needs to be critiqued.
All or NothingA full review of every aspect of your application.
Above are four different rubrics I could use to critique your application. Each of them are different in their own way - choose the one you think would be the most helpful to you. Please note that some styles are easier to complete and will be finished faster.
Once you send me your review form, I will neomail you back immediately to confirm that I will be reviewing your application.
After your review is finished, I will send you a neomail directing you to the "pick-up" section where you will find all of my recommendations. You may neomail me any follow-up questions, but keep in mind that I will not review the same app twice - UNLESS your first review was a Short & Sweet review.
Short & Sweet
This review consists of a list of pros that I like about your application, and I list of cons I would like you to fix. (The list of cons will come with suggestions.) I will also rate your application out of 5 stars, and end with a few sentences summarizing my review.
This review does not take very long to complete, so I highly suggest it if you are working under a deadline. You will get your review faster. Short & Sweet is the only review that is compatible with neomail applications.
Clean, simple layout
Adorable section about "The Family"
Beautiful artwork included in app
Lots of detail in the "Why PetName" section
Not much detail in the plans section (Maybe you could mention whether or not you will enter in the BC, choose a petpet, use Dress To Impress to design a customization, etc.)
Conclusion is hasty. (Say something like "thanks for reading, I look forward to hearing from you!")
No disclaimer. (Since your application is on a petpage, you should mention somewhere that you weren't forced to make a petpage app.)
Overall, I would rate your application 4/5 because although your app was very attractive-looking and well-organized, you really need to work on your Plans section and improve your conclusion. Also, a disclaimer is a MUST because if you don't include one the foster parent could get in trouble!
This review is basically a series of ratings out of five for different aspects of your application. I will then add the points
together and sum up the review with a quick analysis.
I will rate:
- First Impression (?/5)
- Layout & organization (?/5)
- Plans (?/5)
- Originality (?/5)
- Grammar & spelling (?/5)
Overall Points (?/25)
This review is recommended for petpage applications only. I recommend it for those working under a deadline as it will only
take two days maximum to be completed.
Layout & organization
Grammar & spelling
Overrall, your application rated 22/25 points. My first impression of your application was very good, blah blah blah. However, your layout could be improved in such and such way. Use borders from such and such site to improve organization. Very creative plans, so points for originality, but you should also mention such and such. Your grammar and spelling was perfect, good job!
One and Done
The one and done review is aimed towards one section of your application - basically, you pick one part of your app that you feel needs the most help, and I give you a paragraph about how to improve it. I am willing to critique writing, so if you need someone to look over your short story, roleplay ideas, etc. - this review is for you!
I recommend this review for people who feel good about the rest of their app, but need help on one particular section only. This review will take two days maximum to complete.
The section you chose to be reviewed was called "OOC".
This section was great. You gave information on a variety of topics and plans that you have for PetName. I especially loved your screenie, it fit perfectly with your character story. There were a few mistakes I noticed.
Reading your first couple sentences in this section, I noticed one that was kind of vague.
I am not applying for PetName specifically because she is her. I am applying for her for her species-colour combination.
What did you mean by that? You'll want to elaborate and be very specific, especially in this section. After that second sentence, you stated that "her name, however, did strike an interest." This led to some confusion on my part.
Another thing I noticed was this sentence:
Her story has been heavily influenced by the song See Who I Am by Within Temptation. It's sort of become her theme song.
My question is...why? This seems like something that could be very interesting if you explained it. I noticed that you used the phrase "See who I am, break through the surface," in your layout, but I didn't see the connection right away. If you explained this more, and found a way to tie it into the story, the message would be a lot more powerful.
Thank you for requesting, good luck!
All or Nothing
The All or Nothing review is pretty much a full, nit-picky, scale-down of every little thing on your application. I organize this review using your pre-existing sections, so a finished review would look somewhat like the one I have below.
This review is for petpage applications only. I recommend this review for applications that are completely finished, with at least a week's time before the deadline. This review will take me 1-3 days to complete, but is definitely the most helpful (in my opinion!)
I liked your color scheme for this application. It made everything interesting and bright. One thing I would change is your main font color...a darker gray would fit a lot better. I would also put more space between your sections, and possibly dividers. This would make them look a lot more even.
Your application looks good in IE, FF and Opera :)
Your introduction was pretty good. I liked how you kept it simple. One thing I was a bit confused about was this sentence:
All items in the everything else section are the items that were too small to have a separate page.
I didn't see an everything else section, so I don't know what you mean by that. This sentence was also out of place in your introduction, so you may want to re-write it and be more specific.
Character and Story
I thought that your character and story section was creative and interesting. However, there are a few things that I would edit. For example, I would put a divider between the PetName "likes" and "dislikes" sentences and the "what he's like section."
I also liked your "How PetName Met his Petpet" section. It was cute and creative. If you wanted to, you could add in a small picture of a Niptor petpet like you did with the Plans section.
Your plans section was fine, but it left me wondering about your character and story. Are you planning to roleplay PetName? Enter him for the pet spotlight? If not, why did you write the story? Maybe you are planning on keeping that story for his look-up. Elaborate on that! :D
I also liked how you have a niptor petpet and not UFT/UFA button on OtherPet's look-up. Maybe you could draw more attention the fact that OtherPet's look-up is modeled after what PetName's look-up will look like by saying something like "If you want to see what PetName's look-up would be like, take a look at OtherPet's look-up!" Your reader may not look at the link otherwise.
I loved this section. It was adorable and creative. However, the text was arranged a strange way. Maybe you could play around with the tags to fix the text a bit.
I really liked how you customized PetName, especially since it fits into your story. Maybe you could write a short caption explaining that.
Art and Graphics & Account History
There isn't much for me to say for these sections, but I did like the fact that you requested art (even though you didn't draw it yourself.) You did say that you aren't much of an artist, but the fact that you took the time to request art shows that you care.
I liked your About Me section, it had just enough information without having too much. I would, however, move your About Me section to the beginning of your application. After all, your reader will want to know a bit about who they are giving their pet to!
One thing that I noticed was that you are missing a conclusion. Before your Credits section, you should say something quick like "Thank you for reading my application, I look forward to hearing from you." That will wrap up your application nicely.
Overall, I liked you application. It was clear to me that you put work into it, and I think that your reader will really like it. Let me know if you get PetName!
Good luck :)
- You may only request one review per app, unless your first review was Short & Sweet.
- Please don't request anything if you are within 3 days of your deadline.
- Credit Poise somewhere in your application. (Does not apply to neomail apps.)
- If you have questions or need extra help, neomail me!
- Please neomail me if you get the pet you applied for, so I may add you to my "success stories" section! (coming soon)
Waiting List1. Amy
The FormsShort & Sweet
One and Done
All or Nothing (CLOSED)
Layout & organization
Grammar & spelling
My first impression of your application was good, although I wasn't amazed by your layout. The simplicity of it worked though - it was easy to navigate and read through, so that was nice.
Your story introduction was great - well written, and interesting. I thought that it was creative how you gave the choices I'd love to hear your story! / Thanks for the tea.... As I continued to read through your application, the story kept getting more interesting - and by the end, I wanted more. Great job with that! (Your story, your customization, and your gallery all added to your "originality" score.)
I liked your plans section, and especially loved your customization! There is one thing you could change though - you mentioned how you don't want to make empty promises, so prove all your points - by linking to your existing pets! I know that you linked to your accounts, but it would be nice if you specified certain pets as examples. You could link to your favorite customizations, your favorite pet lookups, and to pets of yours that have read many books. You could also take it a step further by adding a picture of a mutant delfin petpet to your story. I included the coding for both a mutant and regular delfin picture below:
Lastly, I would make your link to your gallery more obvious, by putting the link on a page instead of just on your sidebar. (A good place for this might be your plans section, especially since you mention the books and the customization.) This is because I was really impressed by your gallery items that all related to Beiki's story or your plans for her, and I feel like the reader might miss it since it's the very last link on a scrolling sidebar. I thought that it really added to your application, and it would be a shame if they did!
I loved reading your application, thank you for requesting - and good luck!
My first impression was...wow. Not only is your initial layout extremely creative and attractive, but it's also very clear to me that you worked very hard on it. I loved clicking on the different links to get to pages. After reading application after application, I think your foster will love something cool and different like this.
Just a few things -
On your disclaimer page, the text is small and a bit difficult to read. I would definitely suggest adjusting your font size.
Also, the bullets you use for navigation on your "application" page are hard to click on. I suggest using a bit of a bigger graphic - I looked around a bit, and I think that these blue scribbled asteric bullets from Whirligig would work perfectly, and fit into your layout well. Just a suggestion!
Otherwise, I liked your "petpage" page. I thought that it was well done and looked neat and impressive at a first glance.
The layout for your "application" page was also nice - I loved the colors and the artwork on the side.
I have to say, at a first glance, the sheer amount of text on this page was extremely intimidating. But once I started to read, I really enjoyed the content. I especially liked your straight-up connection to your initial layout - imagine a place where it does not rain / here it does not rain.
I had been wondering about that, so the connection made me excited to read more.
I really loved your story - not only was it very creative, but I liked how you tied it in with other pets of yours, and also those white boxes spread throughout that had extra information. The section with quotes from other users was definitely a nice touch, and the art section was very impressive.
This section was essentially flawless - I wouldn't change a thing!
Like I mentioned earlier in my First Impressions section, I would definitely change the navigation bullets. I would also emphasize this sentence somehow, (either by making it in italics or bold) as your reader may skip over it.
To navigate, hover over the bullets before the section titles to see where they will lead if you were to click them.
Another thing that I would fix is this sentence:
I am well aware of that market, and would prefer to avoid losing my pets to it... and my sides are significantly more secure.
Reading this, I was a bit confused. Why are your sides more secure? I would elaborate on this - or just take it out. Also, you mentioned that I will, when applicable, be linking to pets where I have done before... To fulfill this promise, I suggest you put at least one example in your Petpet/Petpetpet section. All of my pets have matching petpets, and most have matching petpetpets
Your pet lookup section was well done, though I might add a sentence underneath the screenshot of Nimorika's future look-up, saying "drag to enlarge."
For your customization section, you might want to mention how you plan on obtaining the items you mentioned. Do you have them already? Will you trade for them? If you already have them, stick them in a gallery and link to it. This is just a minor detail, but fixing things like this will improve the quality of your application.
Your blurbs on the Beauty Contest, Art, Story, Notable Neopet, Trading and Rotting were also well done.
Moving forward, I did not find anything else you should change - except that I might take out this sentence: Alas, I am a slow artist, and this shows when one examines my recent art produced. You keep mentioning this, again and again. I would take this out so you don't repeat yourself!
Your onsite and reality sections were also nice; as well as your "Companions 'Til the End" section. The foster will enjoy reading these as they really give some good insight on how you treat your current pets.
Your Why The Wind section was logical, although to tell you the truth, by the end of your application I didn't feel like it was necessary. Obviously the foster will need it, but it reflects well on your app that I was fully confident in your plans for Nimorika Wind before reading this section.
Your Farewell, for a While was also solid.
I really enjoyed reading your application for Nimorika Wind. I have to say, it was certainly difficult to critique, as I could find little wrong with it. I know that the foster will love it. Feel free to neomail me if you have any additional questions! Thank you for requesting, and good luck.
When I first opened your application, I had some problems with your layout. The whole thing did not fit into my screen, so there were this big scroll bars across the top and bottom - very unattractive with your dark layout. (My screen resolution is 1280x800, and I viewed your app using Google Chrome.) I experimented a little, and I found that your layout looks best in full screen (press F11) and using Firefox. If you can't change your coding, you could at least ask your reader to view the app this way, as it really helps.
Your main text area has a big scrolling bar also - I believe that there is a way to code this so that it doesn't show up - please neomail me if you need help with this.
What I loved about your layout, however, was that you created the artwork yourself. It's always really impressive to a foster when someone makes a custom layout for their app, so great job!
Another thing I liked was your navigation bar - it made it a lot easier to get through your application, and I liked how the text was highlighted in blue when you hovered over it.
Finally, your dividers between sections was a good touch - this graphic really added to your application!
Your welcome section was pretty thorough - I liked how you mentioned your plans for Nim's gender change right away, and how you thanked the foster for reading also. One thing I would change is your two separate welcome sentences.
Welcome Josey, or any other person viewing this page. Welcome to my application for the wonderful UC Faerie Xweetok nimorika_wind, or as I call him, Nim.
If I were you, I put these two sentences together into one, like this:
Welcome Josey, to my application for the wonderful UC Faerie Xweetok...
There is really no need to address anyone else but the foster, and your double welcome seems strange.
I really liked your about me section! Fosters love to learn about who the potential new owners of their pets are, so this was great. I also liked the artwork you included.
One thing I would change is the font color you used for the links to all your accounts. The dark purple was a little hard to see.
One thing I liked about this section was your honesty. I just like Nim. I really do. This showed well on your part.
There is, however, such a thing as being too honest. Remember, you are trying to convince the foster that you are the absolute best choice to adopt their pet. I suggest completely removing your "why not me" section. It is unnecessary, and after all, if you don't believe in yourself - why should the foster?
Your customization section was great! I loved all your different ideas, especially the second and third ones, which were my favorites. If I were you, I would add more np-only customizations, since you mentioned that you can't buy nc. Also, it would be nice if you made/specified a customization that specifically fit your character for Nim/his story.
I would take out your little painting section, as it is unnecessary. Only a fool would destroy something like that. If anything, I would just include a small sentence, possibly in your introduction where you mention your gender change - something like "I would never paint or morph Nim..." etc.
Otherwise, I liked your petpet section, because it was clear that you put a lot of thought into that.
Also, in your petpage and look-up section, I would link to some of your other pet's petpages/look-ups as examples.
I really loved your story! It was well written and detailed.
I'd like to point out that the other page you linked to ... if that's the case go here. did not have your story on it. I'm assuming you were planning to fix this.
I don't have much to say about this section, as it was very short. What you have so far is good, however! I would possibly put the character section before the story, but that's up to you.
Since you already used this piece of art in your layout, I would take this section out. Unless, of course, you add more drawings.
Meet the Family
This section was really nice. There isn't much for me to say, but I did find one small detail to change.
In this sentence, I would specify what "this" is. Something like "Adopting Vespical showed me..." would look better. ("This showed me...")
Your farewell section was really well done. I especially liked your "promises to you," and your signature. Great job!
I really enjoyed reading your application, and I loved your content. I think the foster will be very impressed. I wish you the best of luck!
When I first opened your application, what really struck me was your beautiful layout. The artwork at the top is very attractive. One thing that concerned me, however, was that your layout does not seem to have much to do with the pet you are applying for. The layout looks like it should go with a completely different theme. However, I did like how you organized everything - the long page seems to work for the amount of text you have. And the navigation bar was definitely an important touch.
One thing that really bothered me, however, was your white text on a black background. After a while, it was just giving me headaches to read.
To improve, your existing layout, I suggest changing your font color to a lighter colored grey and using a different graphic for the banner. If this isn't possible, That Kills Me has some great layout templates you can use. I would also recommend Sugary Premades.
I noticed that in your introduction you mention the disclaimer. The Disclaimer is at the sidebar. So please, please don't freeze anybody!. I don't think this is neccesary - your disclaimer is perfectly visible where it is. Feel free to take this out!
Also, I noticed that your introduction is very, very, short. You want to make a good impression on the reader before they dive into your app, so add more detail to this! Also, you may want to edit this sentence. I have edited my story (a lot!) so Kobami would have more character. Hope you enjoy it! Reading this, I was under the impression that your whole application would just be about Kobami's story, since this is the only section you mentioned before saying "Hope you enjoy it!." I would either change this sentence, or take it out.
I really loved your story. I have to say, this was probably my favourite part of your whole application. Not only was it really cute and sweet, but I liked how you connected it to the foster's customization of Kobami. I've read many stories in applications that are so long and boring that I know the foster will never read them. This was just the right size! I did find some small grammar mistakes, however:
Here, you mispelled the word "shining". by the gentle sunshine shinning above.
Also, there were quite a few inconsistentcies with past/present tense. For example: My notebook is my most precious and most private item. It contained.. In this sentence, the phrase My notebook is is in present tense, while the phraseIt contained.." is in past tense. I know this is a bit confusing, so if you need more help with this feel free to neomail me. I just wanted to let you know! :)
Also...(you could feel movements underwater~). This sentence isn't necesary, and it takes away from the mood you are setting for the story. I would just remove it.
There isn't much to say about this section, other than that I like it! I think it's really cute and fits in with your story. Having said this, I would put this section before the story. Check out my Final Notes to see the order I would recommend you put your sections in.
A Bit About Me
This section was nice. I like how it wasn't too long. I found one spelling mistake, however. out of my busy High School schedual.. You mispelled the word schedule. :) Also, I thought this section was a bit out of place. Again, see the Final Notes section.
Meet The Family
I really liked your Meet The Family section because it had just enough information, while not being overbearing. I could tell that you put time into your pets, and I really like how you clearly value all your pets equally - even though some of them are more valuable than others. I think your reader will like that. Also, I liked that you were honest about possibly giving some pets to your friend.
Why Kobami?/Plans for the Future
I like this section - your customization is great! I would, however, add more detail if possible. Otherwise, there isn't much else for me to say!
Again, not much for me to say in this section. :) I might add to the end a simple "I look forward to hearing from you!" But otherwise, great job!
I'll start off this section with the promised recommended order of sections. If I were you, I would put my Intro first (obviously), then my About Me section (the reader wants to know about you first and foremost!), then the Why Kobami, then the Character Description, followed by the Story, and finally the Family & Closing sections.
This order of things just made more sense to me, and I feel like your application would flow more if you arranged them this way.
Overall, I really liked your style of writing and your creativity, which definitely shined through (especially in your customization and story sections.) I wish you the best of luck adopting!
Character section is cute
Customization is well done
Artwork really adds to the application
Meet the family section is really nice (esp. artwork!)
Main text is difficult to read (I suggest changing the font - if you need help with this, please neomail me)
Inefficient layout (Your layout is difficult to navigate - I suggest using an anchored layout instead. Try one from That Kills Me.)
Him (The "him" you refer to in your character section is a bit fuzzy - I got the reference in your story, but you might want to make it a bit more clear so that the reader doesn't miss the connection.)
Overall, I liked your application - although one thing that I thought really brought down the appeal was your layout. For the type of app you are trying to do (especially with your toy box), you really need something anchored - or at least something with a navigation bar. Also, the main text was a bit annoying to read - but this can be easily fixed. These two things brought down your score - but otherwise, I really enjoyed the other aspects of your application listed above - like your artwork and the family section.
Extra 1Coming soon!
Extra 2Coming soon!
Extra 3Coming soon!
Extra 4Coming soon!
Neomail me at rayyli to become affies!
Neomail me at rayyli if you listed Poise!
Layout by Emma, content and coding edits by me, Ray.
Some coding inspiration from That Kills Me.
All resources from The Lunch Box.
Rubric inspiration from The Lodge.
All pixels linked to their appropriate sites.
All buttons linked to their makers.
NEOPETS, characters, logos, names and all related indicia are trademarks of Neopets, Inc., © 1999-2011. ® denotes Reg. US Pat. & TM Office. All rights reserved.