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sacrifyce | classic application | 1.26.2013
Application For
Dalir the Converted Skunk Draik (to be Repainted)
Layout
I really, really, really love the layout. It's gorgeous and I adore the amount of detail in the background. Granted, I have a black bar at the bottom because I keep my Taskbar on the left side of my screen, but that didn't bother me too much. Granted, it did bother me, but I can't really think of an easy way for you to fix it (unless you make the text area a part of the DIV, remove the rocks and make them a seperate floating layer, and then - well, complicated. I'll deal with it for now. It'd recommend you fix this if you are chosen to adopt, though. Good headers. Nav would be nice. Good color scheme. Readable (always a plus). Very very very pretty.
Welcome
Remove the smilies. All of them. Formalize your diction. All of it. I'll probably repeat that multiple times by the looks of it. Alexandria is hardly a mouthful (so you should say Alex for short). Why did you put your about me into the introduction? Your introduction should introduce the application as a whole and the pet, not be a why you chose to make an application and a real life about you. You should have something that grips the reader's attention, like something that relates the page to the cave I'm currently looking at or some quote the character is saying or something. Remove the about you and why you chose to make an application entirely from the introduction. It doesn't belong there. Really. Furthermore, that's too short to be an About You if that was your intention. I don't see an overload of text while skimming this application. Change this so that it actually grabs my introduction. Maybe I meet Dalir here? Maybe it's in a dark and creepy cave? Just listing some ideas. And, um, yeah.
Hi I'm APPLICANT and this is my application for PETNAME style introductions went out of fashion quite some time ago.
A Note
Your sections are not in a standard order. I would recommend: Introduction, Character, Story, Plans, About You, Your Pets, Whys, Fin. There is no point of describing why you're the perfect applicant or why Dalir is the perfect pet for you if the reader hasn't read the application yet.
Why Dalir
Draiks aren't that rare anymore now that a month of Habitarium can earn one and none of the reasons you name are particularly unique. To summarize this section in a sentence, you wish to adopt Dalir because he is a well-named Draik. Why not apply for Miff, Ysira, Vitally, Organs, Koizon, or any of the other draiks up for adoption? What makes Dalir truly special? How did it inspire the character? If you cannot describe why you want this specific Draik, I would recommend removing this section.
Why Me
I personally hate these sections, so pardon me if I tear yours apart. Nobody cares if your pets are joyful; it's not hard to making it delightful either. You should link to all the work you do. Mention how many BC trophies you have. The contest doesn't really like anthro art, and it's not like BCing takes out of creating petpages. I still don't see anything super special that nobody else does for their pets. Granted, my standards are set incredibly hard since I'm friends with people that spoil their pets too much, but what you've written so far seems standard. Keeping a pet delighted takes playing with a toy every now and then, while working on petpages and BCing is stuff that most applicants promise. As for the comment that you spoil your pets
waaaay too much... Do you have thousands of dollars of Neocash? Some do. Do you have full rows of trophies for some of your pets? Some do. Do you have petpets and petpetpets that cost millions? Some do. And so forth. Anyway, my point is that just saying that you spoil your pets is very subjective; it depends on what the person considers spoiling - a true BDer might not care about character petpages but would care about stats. I'm not saying that you're not a good owner; all I am complaining about is the phrase. You (probably) don't know what the other applicants do - maybe they do some of these things. Maybe the foster does. Furthermore, you offer no proof of your intentions; I don't see any links to petpages or beauty contest trophies. Basically, remove this section and put that very same enthusiasm into the section you'll later have for plans. If you must keep this section, move it to the end, so that I actually know what you do to your pets before I read it.
It Begins
I love the story. Very well written and a good length. I also adore the picures that break it from being a single block of text. You have a good writing style. : )
Who am I?
Isn't the
I in your application you? So shouldn't this be called
Who is Dalir?. Change the first
Legend says in the first full paragraph of the personality to
Legend has it. Better phrase. I'm quite sure he had parents, so perhaps change
if he had parents... to
if he had parents he knew.... Very well written section. As stated before, moving the Whys to the end would have been better - you would seem less pretentious if a reader would have read this pt first. I don't have much to complain about here, other than maybe suggesting that you change up sentence and paragraph structure a bit. There's a fine line between rhythm and repitition and you're a toe away from it.
Random Facts
You should look into human echolocation and consider adding it to your character. It's really awesome - this one guy learned how to feel the reflections of sound waves using tongue clicks... and could easily fit into the heightened senses from the loss of sight. Once again, well written. I feel like you should have mentioned the petpet by adding a section in the character section, though. The character's motivations are easily understood by the reader, which adds a sense of realism and makes everything much better.
Artwork
You have gorgeous art, by the way. You need to put the customization in a future plans section. I see a bit of a crosspaint in there. You should submit Dalir to
WCPPN if you're chosen and once you're finished. In these plans, you should include everything from the proposed petlookup and customization/paint to planned petpet and promises of BC trophies and petpage. Basically, all the things you said that weren't about you in your Why sections.
Meet the Family
That's actually not that many permanent pets. Once again, you need a seperate About Me section. In that About Me section, you'll talk about what you like to do in Neopia, how many BC trophies you have, your reasons for still being in Neopets, links to your art page, and some things about you in real life. Back to this section. You should include how Dalir will meet most of these characters, even if it's only a short sentence or several words. Possibly write if they will be friends or foes? Also, be sure to link to petlookups in addition to petpages and any notable details (like if they have BC trophies). Otherwise, well-written.
Goodbyes
Make it character related.
Overall
As a petpage, this page would be gorgeous. As an application, it is decent as best. You show clear skill at the making of petpages - that much is undeniable. However, you should show this skill off at the beginning of the page, before the Whys. Furthermore, this application is in dire need of organized About You and Plans sections. If you add those, the end result will be gorgeous. I know I got a little harsh at the beginning of the critique, but there is so much potential in this application... you're clearly a good owner and if you improve the
application sections of this application, I would be confident in saying that you will chosen to adopt Dalir (as long as the foster chooses based on effort, application, or normal things like that).
Recommendation?
If this was a petpage, I would recommend you without a moment of hesitation; it's an amazing character based page. However, as the application portions are weak, I cannot do so yet. However, I am confident that you can improve this application in the short time until the deadline and make it a splendid work of art.
Survey Response
None.
/~COLU
driftingmist | classic application | 1.26.2013
Application For
Skeletal the Converted Mutant Draik
Layout
I adore the layout image, but the text area kind of ruins it for me. Make the background be somewhat transparent and lighter, maybe a light green? That way, you could use darker text and it would be more readable. Also, I would recommend making the text size one bigger. The box is just... a floating, ugly green box that's on top of an otherwise gorgeous background. I would change the background to a 50% opacity white or light green (not neon, light) and make the text be a dark green. Also, make the headers larger and more "decorative". Your page is image-based, not CSS-based, so you should have your CSS complement the image and not vice versa. Also, format the text justified with the
text-align:justify; code in your DIV rather than centered. it'll look nicer. Most people use italics to show spoken text because of the issues Neocoding has with quotation marks; I would recommend this as wel for you. But really. Please change the background of the text area to something pretty (by which I mean semi-transparent).
Welcome
I normally dislike anything where the reader is being spoken to, but this works. Good introduction, but I would set the tone more by describing the setting. The quotation mark at the beginning of the text went poof because of the quirks of coding on Neopets, so change spoken text to italics. Describe the forest and stuff. Write more. Otherwise fine.
History
The image has him playing a harp/lyre, but a cello. Just saying. I typically skim stories, but I actually read this one. I enjoyed it - great story. Good job. I like how important the music is. Um, yeah. Moving on.
About his character
Unnecessary section. Move the content to the end of the character section. Spell out words like
application instead of
app. Don't start sentences with words like
and or
but since that makes them fragments. Your sentences all sound the same. A lot of them start with
I so try to move their phrasing around. For example,
Zale means Sea-strength. I didn't get a chance to explain this yet, but I plan to incorporate it into his character. can become
Zale means sea strength, something that I have not yet had the chance to incorporate into his character but have every intention to later on. See how much nicer that sounds? Try playing with the sentences for this entire section. It would be better to try to add something about sea strength though.
Character Profile
I can barely read the text. Add more. Add a paragraph about his personality, briefly describe the stages of his life, describe what happens with each nickname, and such. This is your place to shine, seeing as you have such a complex character and all. Also, include hex codes for colors to make it easier for people that might want to make fan art to do so. Basically, elaborate on this. Make it longerrrr.
A Little About Me
You weren't kidding about the word
little. Spell out words like
Neopets,
Pound Chat, and
Beauty Contest. Remove the first sentence - About Mes are common for applications. You use dork twice in this section, so change one of them. Mention how many pets you have gifted an Beauty Contest trophies you have recieved. Link to your accounts instead of just mentioning them. Don't make excuses for not having work up for your pets; instead, focus on what you have. Don't put your planned account for Skeletal in this section. This section didn't quite sell you. This section should tell the foster why you are an awesome owner. Do you collect anything? Talk about it. Do you like to play games? Talk about it. Are you a NC comic star? Talk about it. Do you have any sites that help people? Talk about it. Do you chat on a particular board? Talk about it. Talk about the pets you've zapped, everything. This is your place to show the foster that you're an awesome Neopian.
Plans
Formalize your diction. This is an application, not you hanging out and chatting on a board. So, if the foster doesn't choose you for Skeletal, will you pound Sen or something? You really shouldn't use applications to show off that you don't have plans for a permanent pet... Do a spell check (summary is spelled summary and not summery) (yes I know I make a lot of spelling errors but I'm critiquing, not applying). Remove the roleplay section entirely. Fosters rarely cared and do so even less now. You should make the petlookups now, at least for the pet that you already own. Sen not having anything could make the foster fear that Skeletal won't have anything either. I would really put up her parallel character now rather than later. How many BC trophies do you have? Have you ever placed in Draik? Draik is the most difficult one to place in, you know. I checked your accounts and don't see any trophies on your Draik or Lupes, so I'm sorry to say this but if I were a foster I would disregard that plan entirely. Everybody promises to BC every pet they apply for, but most never try and those that do don't always place... especially in Draik. Whenever I promise to BC pets in my applications, I always link to the pets of mine that have trophies. Don't you have a design for Skel that I would be looking at? Anyway. About this section. I really, really do not recommend you mentioning how little you have for Sen. Instead, focus on Skeletal but mention that he will have a parallel, citing Sen. Also, have something up for her. You can make the petlookup and screenie or keep it on a lab rat or something to show that you are seriously about that plan.
Meet the Family
You should include all of your pets to show how much you do for each of them. Also, remove the smiley. Link to their petpages and mention if they have anything notable (BC trophies, full petpage, etc). Why are some of the headers with background and some without? Try to write the same amount about each character and perhaps write about some kind of interaction they would have with Skeletal.
Farewell
... really? You're ending it like that? Try to make your fin match your introduction. Have Skeletal be saying goodbye to the reader or something and cut out the part you currently have, since it's what every applicant has.
Overall
Decent application, but it's just so short. I feel that you need to elaborate on every single section that you currently have. You didn't sell yourself well in this application - I didn't come out of there feeling that you're the best possible owner (even though I didn't read any other applications for this pet yet). Just add more. The ugliness of the text area never did stop bothering me, though. Overall, good start, but needs work.
Recommendation?
Because I am incredibly picky about recommending applications, I apologize but I cannot recommend you. This does not mean that your application was bad; it just was not the most spectacular application that I have read in the past several months. Regardless, I wish you all the best and sincerely hope that you will be chosen.
Survey Response
None.
/~XWEE789___
xxcutexbunnyxx | classic application | 1.26.2013
Application For
Beethoven the Converted Darigan Hissi
Notes from Requester
The owner preferred us to go off of the character she had in mind.
Layout
Reading the text of your application hurts my eyes a bit. At least it's not pure white on black, but it's still slightly annoying... especially since there is no actual border around the text area. I feel that your layout would be a lot neater if you added some kind of distinction between the area where the text is and the rest of the page... maybe even a light colored background to the text area and change the text to dark? Regardless, you need a background for the text area to make the page look more organized. Also, I feel that a slightly patterned background will be less dull than just a plain color. I can't say I'm fond of the back-area to the navigation either; I initially thought that they were books but now realize that they are some kind of wood? Furthermore, the colors don't match the dark grey and light grey theme of the page. Your navigation colors should highlight those of your page. I'd recommend you creating a navigation that matches the page, not choosing a random image from a search engine and adding a navigation to that. You also have too many highlight fonts - you should use the same decorative font in all of the places where you have a decorative font. For example, either use the one you use for subheaders or use the one for navigation. Personally, I would recommend the navigation one, since your page doesn't exactly match the one you use for subheaders. Anyway. Moving on.
Introductory Page
This section is going to be a bit of a personal tangent. Most fosters don't think like I do on this topic, but some do. Basically, when I see your introductory page, my first thought is that you're hiding a blank page or something behind it. It's not like the introductory page will be up if/when you get chosen, so it feels like you're hiding something. The alternative (and option that I prefer) would be to modify the coding with full page DIVs... but that's a bit complicated. Keep it if you like it; most people don't mind. : )
Introduction
I understand that you the serial killer design was requested by the foster, but I would recommend that you try to make a bit more subtle. TNT could get mad at you if you're too open with the design. That's why brutal and gruesome designs are often toned down. Putting that aside, good introduction. I appreciate the lack of any traditional introduction. However, I would recommend setting the scene of the night and woods more to get the reader's attention even more - for example, maybe comment on how peaceful the cool autumn night was and how the animals were ignorant (though that's a bad word)?
Character
Change the occupation to
Fugutive and add a section for
Crime with
Serial Killer put in. Do you have a ref later? If not, you need one.
In the first sentence, you use musician too much. Consider changing it to
When Beethoven was younger, his parents urged him to become a great musician, in honor of his famed namesake. Don't start sentences with
and - it's a fragment and the literary technique you tried to do there didn't work. Perhaps change the period at the end of the sentence I suggested to a semi-colon and add
so he did at the end? I highly doubt any father would murder the mother of his child right in front of his child unless he was already in an abusive home, and that had not been implied at the beginning. In the third paragraph, repeating that phrase seems off. Perhaps change it to
on the night his mother died? You fail to mention why... readers such as myself are sad when such details are left out. Also, if he was truly a good piano player, he would be playing it daily rather than once a month. Anybody that has true musical talent practices often, since they feel their skills deteriorating. But that all might be me overthinking everything too much.
I like the explanation of character traits, but throw in one random one to keep it from being too cliche. Also, look into psychopaths and sociopaths and pick which one he is, since the list you mentioned is a mixture of both and such people tend to not exist. Basically, I'd recommend making him into the former to make the piano stick, but in that case he'd be overconfident. I know I'm being picky, but making characters feel real to the reader helps applications shine.
Moving onward_ .. How is he a normal 18 year old boy if his skin is gray/purple? My skin is tan... I've seen white, pink, tan, brown, and every hue inbetween, but I've never seen purple... clearly he's not a normal human boy. Maybe say he's a normal 18 year old reptillian boy? Better yet, create a species for anthro hissi. Especially if his skin is cold - humans have warm skin, you know. It comes with being warmblooded. His skin is a shade of purple, by the way, not a shade of grey. I would recommend adding a hex code reference for every color (like white is #ffffff and stuff) and also adding a ref. This makes it easier for other people to understand the colors we're discussing. Plus, the hex codes can serve as a color scheme for the page (as prevously mentioned). People's eye colors have nothing to do with the blood they see. If they did, my albino buddy would be a vampire (at least I hope they're not). Cute phrase, but maybe instead put something like
Perhaps Fate had predicted his future occupation instead. Something like, not exactly (unless you like that phrase haha). Never say
pretty much the same color. This is why you should add hex codes for colors. Pick either hood or cape (I believe they're called a cloak when put together) instead of putting
hood/cape each time. Also, you start almost every sentence (and every paragraph) in that section with either
Beethoven or
His. Either change it to a list format using
ul li codes or mess with sentence structure. As a matter of fact, do that for the trait section as well. You need more variety. Add in some non-cliche things too, though. Maybe he likes oranges?
Story
Make the textboxes wider - same width as the rest of the layout. Also, write a tad bit more so that there's an actual reason for them to scroll. Always write at least double the scroll (though I would recommend over triple). I would also recommend keeping it to Beethoven music rather than Rihanna. I don't get the purpose of the first part. Stories need several sections - beginning, climax, and resolution. I only see a description of a scene? Also, is Beethoven
I in this? If so, make that clear somehow since he hasn't been the narrator for the rest of the page. Those look more like journal entries than stories... I would recommend changing it to journal entries or something. Why is the the third story suddenly third person? Choose a point of view and stick with it (throughout the page). Uh yeah. There kind of go no where since they're not remotely stories and have weird point of views. Them as snippets of journal entries would be cool, though.
Plans
Burn the smiley. Remove the note. Fosters generally lurk accounts of applicants they consider whether they're free to or not. I feel like adding an account check so I will after I finish critiquing this page. By the way, good order for your application - it's my personal favorite order. Don't bold or italicize random parts of sentences. Make your paragraphs longer. It's great that he's a skeleton now and that you plan on improving it, but most people promise that and never actually improve it. This would be a great place to link to full characters or petpages that you have... if you have any. Combine the minigraph with the story plan with the one where you plan on providing a character. You seem to have a character already, though. If you change the story to journal entries, you could promise to add backstory to each journal entry. : ) Never insult your art skills. Link to your art doesn't work. Add more art of him in this application itself.
as I'm one heck of a lazy person XD I wouldn't choose you because of that phrase alone. Instead say something like
I adore this layout, so it will probably remain as his petpage layout. I plan to change it eventually, but I tend to be slow as I work on most of my pets at once. See how I magically removed the negative connotation from that? You can make the petlookup and screenie it, you know. That's what most applicants do. Or they put it up on some non-permie pet. Remove the part about not being a fan of customization. Remove the part about your wallet and Neocash. Say something about how you love playing with Neopoint items because you like proving that pets can be just as nice as without Neocash. Remove the drag and drop part - I can see it clearly without that. Change the centerring of the explanation to justified like the rest of the page and fuse the two paragraphs. Might I recommend adding that one stake? Pretty customization, by the way. Change
if I do adopt Beethoven to something like
if I am honored to be chosen to adopt Beethoven. To be honest it wouldn't hurt for you to formalize your diction everywhere in this app. Mention at the end that him being on your side doesn't mean he's not loved or something. You completely forgot about petpets, by the way. Petpets make fosters happy.
Who are you?
You're asking me who I am? I don't get it. The point of this page this entire time has been you, so this section would best be titled
Who am I?. Burn the smilies. Talk about your current pets and list your permies.
I'm currently in the process of adopting out many of my pets who I don't pay much attention to anymore. As a foster, I would read that section as
I get tired of my old pets and like to replace them. Change it to something about how you feel bad for having pets that people would adore that you don't appreciate much anymore or impulsed or something and include a link to your up for adoption page (unless you do board adoptions, I guess). Or since you just came back from hiatus (remove the quitting part), you want to reprioritize your pets and keep only the ones you truly care about. You don't try to come online daily - you do come online daily. What's with the Otaku thing? Random and unnecessary.
Add more to this section. It should sell you as a great owner, not just
hi i'm olly and i like da pc and here are my accounts and offline i'm quirky. Believe me, I hate writing About Mes as much as the next person, but you might as well get used to them since you'll be doing them for everything from college apps to grad school apps to job apps to cover letters and so forth. They should tell the foster why you are an awesome owner. Do you collect anything? Talk about it. Do you like to play games? Talk about it. Are you a NC comic star? Talk about it. Do you have any sites that help people? Talk about it. So I glanced at your main and understand your issue. You don't even have all of the clickables and haven't done the altador plot... and don't seem to participate in site stuff. In that case, talk about how much you work on your pets (and link to it), introduce your pets, talk about how you like Cybunnies but want some variation as well, talk about what you like to do on the PC, and so forth. Meanwhile, go get all the clickable avatars. For the offsite, make a joke or something about why you keep it short. I used to claim that I live in a cardboard box equipped with wifi and that that was all they needed to know about me (and then Ollykad began to live in said cardboard box for the Kadventures). Basically, make this section longer, and turn it into a Why you (without it actually being a why you).
Why
I hate this section. There was a brief time three years ago when they went out of fashion. Man I miss those days. Anyway. Decent enough why, but I'd throw in something about why he's not a cybunny (since you seem to like them cys). Remove the why you. Move the part about Beethoven being a character to the why him, though.
Extras
Oh neogod. Please remove the GIFs. They make your application appear so incredibly unprofessional and earn you nothing. If you must keep them, make them smaller - they take up half of the scrollbar of your app (and people notice stuff like this that's meant to take up space). But really. I mean, this is you walking into a job interview wearing your pajamas.
Art should be it's own section. Actually use that piece of art drawn for you - I'd go as far as recommending you use it as the main art for the application.
Farewell
Decent section. Keep it. Burn the smiley though.
Account Check
I'm just going to glance at your main. Get to 100 avatars (not hard, there are 86 clickables and at least 14 really really cheap ones). Remove that thing about your neofamily being complete (you're applying for a pet, so it's clearly not). Remove the thing about none of them being UFT/A since you stated some are UFA. And um yeah...
Overall
This was a decent application, especially in the beginning. However, from your story until the the end of the GIFs, I was not impressed. You clearly have a good character in mind, but do not sell yourself well enough as an owner.
Recommendation?
Because I am much pickier with recommending applications than petpages, I apologize, but I cannot recommend this application. Formalize your diction, fix up this layout, make the About Me better, remove the GIFs and smilies, and then this application will be a lot better, but it has a long way to go from being the perfect application. Regardless, I wish you luck in being chosen and sincerely hope you will be.
Survey Response
None.
/~IREC
_stars_of_chaos_ | classic petpage | 1.23.2013
Notes from Requester
This was an old application that I am revamping to fit my pet. As a result, the name on the reference image is outdated and the petpet information is slightly off (species).
Layout
The page is incredibly slow to use because of how heavy the background is. Do not change it, but make it be fixed rather than scroll. This will make the page significantly lighter and easier to read than it currently is (since it lags quite a bit every time I scroll). Also, center formatting gets really really annoying in walls of text; use text-align:justify; to make it look nicer and easier to read. I talso think you might need to add some more padding to the edge of the DIV. Make the flower on the right link to the top or something (or petlookup...petlookup seems like a better idea). That way, it won't be awkwardly hanging out there and will have a purpose. Maybe add a nav on the roots of the tree? Otherwise, I like the layout. It's just a bit heavy and lacks a nav.
The Shadow of the Wind
Man scrolling is slow. It makes my entire browser lag. Definitely make the BG lighter. Just to warn you, I generally do not do grammar critiques (in case you haven't noticed the millions of typos I make while typing up critiques in Notepad). However, I will comment on some things that jump out at me. I would move
More beautiful, however, were the gardens. to the beginning of the next paragraph, since the next paragraph is about them and begins awkwardly. Good descriptions.
May I help you? is missing the front quotation mark because of a coding issue on Neo. I would recommend just italicizing spoken text instead. Man, even highlighting to copy-paste is slow because of the background. The third to last paragraph of this section suddenly becomes present tense for a bit. This is awkward. Fix it. Overall, relatively interesting.
Introductions
Once again, quotation mark issue. Seriously, just italicize. It's easier and people have come to terms with the fact that that is how Neopets stuff is often coded. I find
I have lived here for only a short time, a few years at most, yet they blend together. awkward because one would assume that years blend together. I don't know. I don't like the yet. Again you switch to present tense; generally speaking, it's best to hang out in one tense during any form of creative work. Relatively good introduction to what the page will include.
Into the Forest, Fireflies, Rest of Story
And now everything becomes italicized? It's a bit hard to read; if you're going to do this, make the font slightly bigger. However, I would recommend changing the color of the text instead of forcing everything to be italicized since this will be going on for a while. Reading the story. It'd be more interesting if Irec was telling it, but it's okay the way you put it. You used Into the Forest twice as a header. Overall, relatively interesting story. As stated, I hate being a grammar checker and no major things jumped out at me. Some sentences seemed awkwardand could use some commas though (especially the longer ones that have few of them). Otherwise, nothing seems off. You have a nice writing style. Once again, I am going to complain about the heaviness of the page, because it makes scrolling almost impossible for me (and I linked several of my online friends to it - they're experiencing lag as well). Very nice stories though, they make me get to know the character better. However, I might be old fashioned, but it would have been nice to have seen a character section before we jumped into the stories. It would just act as a good preface of what was to come. You definitely need a ref to help readers navigate the many sections, though.
Meet Irec
Move this section wayyyy up. Finish the ref sheet. Center the ref sheet and don't start the description next to it. Add two breaks between sections - it keeps it from being too much of a wall of text. I would highly, highly recommend adding a section like the petpet as well; many people consider this too much, but it adds a nice little bit to pages. Also, make a seperate art section. At the end, include a sort of sitely section and some links; I'll gladly link exchange with you with my lupes if you would like.
Missing Sections / Section Order
Your page would be better if it looked something more like this: Introduction, Meet Irec, Stories, Maybe random sections between stories (art, adoptables, petpet profile) to break the walls of text, and then a fin. More people would be inclines to read it rather than be scared off by the rather frightening walls of text. Many people, fosters included, often hate to read stories. Furthermore, it would change the page from being monotonous by adding new and fun things. Even random sections (like favorite things) would be fun.
Overall
This page demonstrates spectacular writing. Granted, I got very, very tired of reading the italics after a while and the laggy scrolling never stopped bothering me, but the writing made up for it. Most of my complaints are mainly with formatting and orderring, not with the content itself. Wonderful page. : )
Recommendation?
I was debating this the entire time that I was reading your page. On the one hand, the writing is in fact spectacular, whereas on the other, the page consists of a very laggy and virtually impossible to scroll wall of text. Many people dislike reading stories, so this is something to consider. Furthermore, the page ends rather... abruptly. However, at the same time, I can see the amount of effort that you put into the page, and it came out relatively nicely. With this in mind, I will make you a deal: I will recommend you right now as long as you promise to make the background not scroll and thus make the page lighter and easier to read. If there is only one thing you change, that has to be it.
Your recommendaton reads as follows:
Tango had /~Irec critiqued by Olly at (H)CBO on /~kri#HCBO on January 23th, 2013. This page was deemed recommended due to the wonderful storyline and style of writing displayed. Tango has demonstrated high levels of writing ability and a talent for storymaking. The staff at (H)CBO believes that this page should be read by people interested in creating writing long stories for their pets as an example of a high quality work.
Survey Response
My critique was /~Irec on 1/23/13. This was my first critique. I was satisfied with my critique because it was quite apparent that Olly had spent an amazing amount of effort in wiring it and gave me precisely what I was looking for. The critique was very in-depth, precisely as it was advertised, and provided constructive criticism in all of the areas that I requested. I felt that Olly was just harsh enough, though I wouldn't have minded harsher, during my critique. In regards to her rambling, I found it quite helpful and entertaining, and would recommend that she ramble the same amount. As for the site itself, I was satisfied with the layout (though the frequently asked questions do not work on my browser). Overall, I would say that I was very satisfied with my experience with (H)CBO, but would recommend that Olly change the FAQ section. I do plan on using this critique service again, and would recommend it to my friends. My additional comments are as follows. The critique was submitted only two days before I received a response, which is remarkably quick given how long critiques take to write and the fact that it was a weekday. Olly was very helpful, polite, and provided exactly what she claimed to with a little added entertainment thrown in to boot. Her critiques are thorough, thoughtful, and very honest. Anyone who is looking for help should look no further than this page. I'd like to thank you personally for your help. You provided me with exactly what I needed and I'll get started on making those changes. Bravo to you, and thank you again! -Tango
/~BANAMEIN
seahorsepond | classic petpage | 01.23.2013
Forward Note
I will be entirely honest with you - I do not know what kind of quality of a critique I will be able to provide for this page, seeing as it is unconventional. However, I look forward to reading through it and trying! It always makes me happy to see unique concepts in character-based petpages, and I surely was not expecting to see a mostly comic one like this.
Layout
There is not anything wrong with the layout per se, but it is quite boring. Black and white with a stripe of red is a bit dull, to be honest. I would recommend you add a dark pattered background instead, such as one from Subtle Patterns or Colourlovers. Also, I would get rid of the bar at the top and add some sort of navigation. If possible, maybe even move the ordering? Like start with the image or poem and then put the pet's name? The image can easily be turned into a header. At least the layout is readable. : )
Comics
My first suggestion would be to actually create a seperate Meet the Characters section and put it in front of the comics. In this section, elaborate on the characters - add the tiny "profile" section, likes and dislikes, maybe a catchphrase, and a link to petlookups if they are based on pets. This could help potential readers get to know the characters before they even begin reading the comics.
Another formatting suggestion just came to me. By my understanding, some of these comics are continuations of the same strip. I originally thought that the text explained the comics, but now see that it is simply your commentary. I would, in this case, recommend hiding the text so that it only comes out when the image is hovered over (just add a title= code to the image's URL, like in the button below) and put your commentary in there. You can even include a phrase at the beginning talking about how your commentary can be seen if the images are hovered over. Furthermore, move the welcome to before the first comic. Above each strip, include a short title (Like New Butler) and at the end of the page you can even make an index of them. Or at the beginning. Your choice. That way, it would be more like the professional webcomics that you find elsewhere.
Moving on. Try to change the ordering around so that they're at least somewhat chronological (if they have chronological aspects); for example, the Thank you for Hiring Me one should be closer to the top. I love the ones where the comics go around screenies. Also, try to mess with the contrast on the comics to make the backgrounds white. They'd look nicer. Yeah, I'm really liking the caption-on-hover-and-title-before idea. It would look much more professional haha. I love the almost too quiet one.
Cutting hair is just like reaping souls, right? Yes. You should introduce side characters too, in the beginning. You can label them as side characters too. You need more comics. Just saying. That was too quick and I want to read more haha. I enjoyed them - funny and had character.
Questions and Answers
Justify your text (text-align:justify; in the coding) to make it look neater. He could be Plushie too, instead of Zombie... though that would be a little cliche. Good questions; nice comic relief (though the entire page is comic relief). Maybe Banamein should answer them, though, since this is his page? Or he could add to your answers?
Neomails
I like how you add captions to those. Move this section to be above the FAQ, perhaps, since it still includes comics? Very nice idea, though. I enjoyed reading these. : )
Artworks
Good ref. Make the art below it bigger but resize the art in the fan art box to make it always fit. I like the commentary.
Random Things
You could move the comic to right below the uncolored one and put that in the caption. Adoptables sort of count as fan art. So, in essence, this section can be removed. : )
Overall
The comics were great and I really enjoyed reading this page. Most of my recommendations were primarily about formatting since that is, in my opinion, the only thing that can really be improvered (other than adding more comics). I would even go as far as recommending a more "click through" layout but that would be complicated to code. Regardless, this is a really creative and fun page. Keep comiccing!
Recommend?
Due to the creative nature of this page, I feel confident in providing my recommendation for others to visit it. This page shows people how character-based petpages do not need to have the traditional format, and thus I feel that it deserves to be recognized for all of the work and effort that you put in.
Your actual recommendation reads as follows:
Bookkeeper had /~Banamein critiqued by Olly at (H)CBO on /~kri#HCBO on January 23th, 2013. This page was deemed recommended due to the creativity and effort displayed in the comics. Bookkeeper has demonstrated high levels of comic-making and has created a lovable but slightly disturbing character that readers will adore reading about. The staff at (H)CBO believes that this page should be read by people interested in creating untraditional character pages or comics about their pets as an example of a high quality work.
Survey Response
My critique was /~Banamein on 1.23.13. This was my first critique. I was satisfied with my critique because it let me know how others see my page and it offered suggestions on how to improve. I felt that Olly was just right during my critique. In regards to her rambling, I found it entertainingly helpful, and would recommend that she ramble the same amount. As for the site itself, I was satisfied the layout (thanks for fixing the F.A.Q.!). Overall, I would say that I was satisfied with my experience with (H)CBO, and would recommend that Olly give herself a pat on the back. I do plan on using this critique service again, and would recommend it to my friends, my petpage stalkers, and random people I meet on the street. My additional comments are: Thanks so much for critiquing my nontraditional page, it's great to know what's working, and what's not. Also, I'm not exactly a coding wiz, so I really appreciated your tips about justifying text and adding titles to images. Can't wait to get working on my page again! ~Bookkeeper
/~DEVICLOUD
ephedra | classic petpage | 1.16.2013
Forward Note Solo, you would be the first to request a critique. Regardless, I am happy that you did, as I always adore your petpages. Regardless, thank you for being the first of (hopefully) many people that come to me for critiques! Also, for all of the readers that will inevitably come here and ask why I was not harsh, I would like to inform you that I have always been an admirer of Solo's work and thus will not find much to complain about. Furthermore, I tend to be nicer on character petpages than applications.
Layout I like the color scheme you chose; I cannot say that I see green and purple together often in favorable light, but it looks nice here. The purple bar at the top adds just enough to keep it from being a boring image next to a text area. My sole recommendation would be to add a navigation of some sort - perhaps on the purple bar above the image in a semi-transparent way? Also, maybe try making the petname a dark shade of purpose rather than black? Otherwise, no complaints.
Introduction Gorgeous lyrics; they set the tone for reading the page very well. Beginning the tale by using the animals also works quite well; at least, it is not they type of introduction that one sees very often. I would change ( to each other ) to ( to one another ) in paragraph two. In paragraph 4, split the sentence beginning with ( He was interrupted ) into two, perhaps simply by removing the ( and ) and splitting it there. Very good ending to this section; it leaves a good ring.
Story The main team of Ollies normally refuses to read stories, choosing to skim them instead, but fine we'll read it. The Nature of Angels. Good use of quotes at the beginning of the section; I always love things like that. ( The blah to blah ) is a very lovely sentence indeed. Perhaps try ( The feeder to the food ) (which is still awkward) or ( The member to the herd/pack )? Interesting shift to first person. Change ( only ) in ( Our only duty is to the truth ) to ( sole ). The paragraph where this is is a little awkward... maybe try listing without the use of periods and with a hyphen or colon? Perhaps try something like this - ( Our sole duty is to the truth. If our actions seem cruel or insensitive, it is only because we see things that no other being can - the past, the present, and the future; the futures that never will come to fruition, whether by our mistakes or those of others. A pure angel is the most perfect, beautiful entity that can exist, and, yet, an angel is only pure when he does not yet exist. ) Still not perfect, but idunno. Good ending to the first section. The Fall. You use fault several times in the first paragraph; perhaps change ( For all my faults ) to ( For all my flaws )? The description of the physical realm, it being full of half-truths and such, was wonderful. Nice sentence structure. Quite fascinating how he became a Creator and thus stopped being an angel; nice twist. Life on Earth. Oh my. The Lincoln quote. I may or may not have had to stop critiquing for several minutes while I laughed... and half of the team of Ollies that critique may or may not still be laughing. Great description of gravity and pressure. I like the sentence you starred. No, bad. No to be continued, write it nowwww. Overall, good story. I like how you wrote it and the sections you chose - not too long and not too short.
Profile Short, but sweet. Perhaps add hex color numbers for things all of the colors? Now, this might just be my pickiness and harshness coming through for once, but I don't like how the Curse Markings thingy takes up the entire line whereas none of the other thingies do. Maybe move it down to below fur? Also, move the Animal Species up to maybe right below Entity... and maybe order stuff Name Friends Entity Animal Species Gender Height Fur Hair Eyes Markings? Brahman better be a buddy as well when I finally morph him and work on his page. Add ( relatively ) before ( new to the physical realm ). I don't like structure of the second paragraph... Maybe change ( So it is in large part due to this that he feels ) to ( In no small part due to this, he feels )?
Art, Fanart, Adoptables Pretty. Maybe add hover-over titles to add a caption?
Link Out I feel like there is an outro missing from this page. Like, maybe something that the anaconda and orangutan say... or a storyteller ending. I'm not quite sure, but it ends rather abruptly. Also, change the height and width of the textarea to match that of the button /picky.
Overall Good page. Soloesque quality never fails to be nice to read. I'd write more here, but this page isn't complete yet so there isn't much for me to complain about. Basically, add a navigation, finish the story, and add an outro and you'll be fine.
Recommended? Despite this page having the ring of being incomplete, I will recommend this petpage. The character is complex and the everything currently on the page, from art to writing to layout, if of very high quality. I feel that this page, in its current state, can serve as a good example of how work in progress pages can be gorgeous, whereas when you finish I am certain that the page will be outstanding.
Your actual recommendation is as follows:
Solo had /~devicloud critiqued by Olly at (H)CBO on /~kri#HCBO on January 16th, 2013. This page was deemed recommended due to the complexity of the character and quality of the work displayed. Solo has demonstrated high levels of skill and talent in creating both a character and world despite the limitations of Neopets. The staff at (H)CBO believes that this page should be read by people interested in making characters of their own as an example of a high quality work.
Survey Response My critique was /~Devicloud on 1/16. This was not my first critique. I was satisfied with my critique because it was in-depth and thorough. I felt that Olly was just right during my critique. In regards to her rambling, I found it helpful, and would recommend that she ramble more. As for the site itself, I was satisfied with the layout. Overall, I would say that I was satisfied with my experience with (H)CBO, but would recommend that Olly double-check for typos. I do plan on using this critique service again, and would recommend it to my friends.
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